When people talk about those that help, or put others needs ahead of their own, they use words like nurturer, kind hearted, altruistic, selfless, or giver. They might say that he or she has the ‘caring gene’ and that giving just comes naturally to some people. While there might be some truth to this, I would argue that the real reason behind why some people over-give isn’t so divine and is in fact, quite disturbing.
What people don’t understand is that this over-giving gene is not a gene at all. It’s more likely a behavior that was learned in childhood. We’ve talked a lot, in other blogs, about how our childhoods shape our adult behavior and how concepts, beliefs and coping mechanisms are all skills we learned to survive to adulthood. But sometimes these beliefs, concepts and coping mechanisms, which were necessary then, aren’t healthy now that we’re full grown. We find ourselves acting out as we would when we were children, but now we have adult bodies and we’re in adult situations and these behaviors, that we’ve cultivated, throughout our lifetime, are no longer appropriate.
The Fixer
The need to fix others stems from an environment where a child was put in situations where they had to be the parent, the one in control of themselves, their siblings, or even their parents. This was the result of either parental substance abuse, or neglect. Fixer children take control because well…someone has to.
These children will often have to get themselves ready for school, make their own breakfast and lunch and head out the door, while their parent is absent (physically or emotionally) and or is sleeping off a night of excess.
These children learn to suppress their own needs, because expressing them either gets them nothing, or, if they do it at the wrong time, could mean punishment in one form or another. The constant repression of a child’s needs, in favor of someone else’s, teaches the child that the needs of other people outweigh and carry more importance than their own. They learn that other people cannot be trusted or depended upon and they internalize the belief that they deserve to be neglected and that their parents behavior is somehow a reflection of them.
If there is already a codependent parent in the home, a child is going to model that codependent behavior and call it normal. If mom is tip toeing around daddy, while he is drunk, trying not to give him any reason to act out, a child will copy this behavior.
When they reach adulthood this fixer behavior manifests itself by the type of romantic partners they choose. They will look for partners that mimic their abusive caregivers in some way. A child of alcoholics might subconsciously choose an alcoholic partner, or one who needs to be taken care of. They feel comfortable around partners who exhibit unstable behavior, which then requires them to always have to be the stable one. The end result is that fixer adults take on the role of always having to be in control, choosing partners who are unpredictable and who cannot meet their needs.
The Empath
People throw around the word empath a lot. I’ve seen tons of articles on social media entitled, ‘Are You An Empath?’ I get it – empathy, it’s a sexy word. Who doesn’t want to be called an empath? What it means is that you can pick up on other people’s feelings, that you have extra sensory powers.
I’ll admit it, I’m a Star Trek nerd. I loved the character of Deanna Troi, the empath that could sense other people’s emotions. She was invaluable to her captain, letting him know when people were being deceitful. Who doesn’t want that superpower?
But Star Trek is fiction. The reality is, the ability to sense other people’s feelings, just like the need to over-give, please, help, and fix others, is part of codependency. It’s not a superpower, it’s not an extra sensory ability and it’s not the common mode of communication from inhabitants from the planet Betazoid – It’s a skill learned in childhood, where one had to learn how to read the behavior of their caregiver, because a wrong interpretation could mean physical harm, verbal abuse, withholding of affection….or any number of other harsh punishments that a parent should never visit upon a child. It’s the picking up of subtle and sometimes not so subtle physical and emotional cues and vibrations that let the child know when it’s safe to approach, or when it’s best to be invisible.
The ability to sense other people’s emotions is an important skill and codependent adults inadvertently use this skill to hook up with others that match the emotional vibration they are accustomed to. Empath’s, due to their sensitive nature, are also easily detected by Narcissists and Psychopaths, who are also experts at reading people. Empaths are extremely empathetic and sympathetic and are a sucker for a sob story.
The Over-Giver
People over-give because they have a deep seeded belief that alone, just by themselves, they are not enough. They believe that in order to be chosen, get attention, or get affection, that they have to be more, have more and give more than everyone else. They believe they have to sweeten the deal, so to speak, just to be on a level playing field with everyone else.
Over-Givers come from toxic environments where they received the message that there was something wrong with them, that just being you was something to be ashamed about. They were taught to feel guilt, or shame for being human and having human needs.
The partner of the Over-Giver is often a user, a parasite and a lost boy or girl. The over-giver is prone to self-flagellation, but is more than willing to let someone else step in to inflict their personal method of pain. Over-Givers stay in relationships way too long, enduring horrific relationship behavior, because endurance is the M.O. of the over-giver.
This is because Over-Givers are taught that there is no way out in childhood, you just have to bear it, which is why they adapt well to most types of treatment. The over-givers try their best to please others and usually find themselves with partners, who show them by word or deed that their best will never be good enough.
Over-Givers are too willing to part with their resources to save their drowning partner, even to the point of their own ruination. This isn’t to say that they are doing so blindly. Many give begrudgingly,while fully knowing that they will face hardship or some adversity, but do so because of their over developed skill of endurance, over-responsibility and their belief that the needs of others trump their own.
These behaviors were born of necessity in childhood. They were are coping mechanism and how we learned how to survive, but in adulthood they perpetuate toxic relationships. It is in breaking these behaviors that one breaks free of the abuse. To do that through one utilizes the skill of mindfulness. These destructive behaviors are programmed into us and are our automatic response to the behaviors of others. What you must do is recognize when you are engaging in it. Once you get used to recognizing it, you must:
- Stop what you are doing and take a step back.
- Think about what you are doing and why you are doing it.
- Ask the questions: Is this good for me? Are my needs being met? Am I practicing self-care?
When you repeat an action enough times it becomes a habit. Taking these steps are necessary to ending toxic behaviors that lead to and perpetuate toxic relationships. Practice, practice, practice. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that practicing self-care makes you selfish. Normal, healthy people make sure they are not being taken advantage of and they make sure that their needs are being met. Having a toxic partner that uses and abuses you is not self-care and it will never make you happy. The biggest hurdle in reaching this step is realizing that you are worth it. You are worthy of being treated better and having a happy life.
Just having someone does not make you worthy of love. It doesn’t show the world, ‘hey look someone loves me, so I must be ok.’ Too many people are so desperate to be loved that just anyone will do and too often they seek out the same abusive patterns in their partners that they experienced in their childhood. Breaking these patterns is the key to self-care. It’s the key to creating new habits and it’s the key to creating a happy and healthy lifestyle. It takes work and it takes a commitment to yourself. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be committed to myself and self-care and be alone, than having someone, who was just out to use me and take all my stuff. You’re better than that – it’s time now for you to believe it.
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Many empaths/fixers I encounter are female, but I encountered a male one in my neighborhood. He seemed so needy but gracious. When he learned that I was renting a contaminated back house, he offered to discretely put out the word to his network to help me find something safe. I accepted his offer. Unfortunately, he soon took an authoritative tone with me and began being critical in ways that were not reasonable. He seemed to need to “fix” someone and was conjuring up reasons to do so. He admitted to being mentally ill but then announced that he had a mental illness to diagnose me with. He brought up various topics, each giving him the authority in his view to take control in my life. He intruded on my privacy in various unusual ways. I extricated myself from the situation. He’d instructed me to send him profiles of myself and my family member so he could search for housing for us, nothing that was necessary at all, and he said to email them to him, but he didn’t give me his email address. He texted me to send those after I left, and so I asked for his email address. I really wanted to just write to him to tell him where the boundaries were, expecting that he’d lose interest and leave me alone as I didn’t feel he could respect the boundaries. He refused to send me his email address for “two or three days” but didn’t explain way. I texted him the boundaries, giving him examples of where he’d crossed the line. I was gentle but direct. He merely responded, “Thank you.” I think he will leave me alone. I don’t think he will send me any contacts for housing because his interest in “helping me” was an interest in fixing me. He had to find deeply rooted problems in me in order to fix me, and he had to gain authority over me to fix me, and I was telling him to cut it out. So, I will be surprised if he were to send me any contacts, despite his speech about how he “must” help by finding better housing for me and my family member.
That’s the way it rolls. If you’re desperate, you’ll get trapped in situations with fixers and if you get in too deep, they’ll hurt you for extricating yourself. Better to back away in the beginning, probably sooner than I did as I can be overly polite and patient myself. I probably should have excused myself politely when he first started turning from saying he would like to send me some info about rentals to starting to talk about how mothers caused their son’s problems and how my medical condition must be due to hypochondria, etc. He needed me to be more broken than I am in order for him to fix the brokenness inside of him, to be the hero, to someday overcome the deep guilt he felt for abandoning his aging mother in a destitute state in a poor, overcrowded country. I can’t fix that man, but by setting a boundary, in writing, clearly, at the beginning, I maybe gave him some info he can use, if he can. He might just turn that encounter into a story about how a hypochondriac (not) who ruined her son (not) refused his offers of help, though she said he needed to move. That’s sometimes what they do.
I have a 63 year old male friend who is an over giver. He likes to throw around the empath word. He is constantly trying to “fix” me. I know I am not perfect but I am a spiritual person and I seek God’s guidance. And I deeply resent someone acting like they don’t have problems. He had an abusive father and emotionally absent mother. I have known him 2 years and he just won’t go away.
I disagree! I am a fixer, and empath but I was not neglected as a child Not put in situations where I had to take control. In fact I didn’t really have chores. My mom packed my lunch til high school, put away my laundry etc… yet I have the need to “fix” things
So did mine but she was also emotionally unavailable and topically critical.
I completely agree with your sentiments on “empaths”. This seems a novel term and I see it everywhere online. The ability to absorb, read and feel other’s feelings it’s not a gift, it is a normal part of te human psyche (except if your conscience is absent). Most “empaths” are self proclaimed, using such a title to separate themselves from everybody else, to exert a superiority. Furthermore, “giving too much” also appears in the definition of an “empath”. It’s all a sugar coat to camoflage these people who need to sort themselves out, get a backbone and self confidence and love their self esteem.
This article is me!!!!! EXACTLY
Psychology degree or not, no-one is always right. My youngest child is an over-giver and yes she does have those behaviors which is why my song to her is “TRY” by Colbie Callait. My daughter experienced no trauma, and since I was never good enough at home, I praised my children constantly on every good thing they did. My youngest was a warrior for the underdog from primary school up until middle school where she got bullied because she is beautiful and smart (honors student) and was a cheerleader. She was always more than good enough in her home. She has been well loved, well supported emotionally and financially and well praised for her many great accomplishments. So on that, completely off base other than she gives and gives and gives trying to win the love of her peers and so called friends who have repeatedly betrayed her friendship . IE a fake little girl who would come tell my child all of the mean things people were doing to her and then my child would go stand up to them for her and then the fake girl would make friends with the mean people again and it gave my daughter a long list of enemies. For protecting people she loved because she has a beautiful heart. I got calls from teachers from K-6th telling me what an amazing young lady she was and the act of kindness she had shown that day. If I sound annoyed I am, I find the term “parasite” highly offensive and not appropriate . Your description of empathic behaviors, again agreeable. The textbooks don’t always get it right. I would guess you are not one. People who throw it around are ignorant to the true nature of an empath so maybe it sounds cool to them but most TRUE empaths, do not talk about it to anyone other than when they recognize it in others and even then they are careful on how to approach the person they know is like them. I won’t get started on “fixers”. I thought you wrote another article which was brilliant , spot on. Obviously not. By the comments it looks like you are helping people by telling them who they are and why, so for that kudos. I find it sad that they don’t already know who they are and how to stop doing unhealthy things. (Even if that takes therapy which I agree is great with the right therapist because there are SO many people exposed to emotional traumas)
Serenity: I wish I had time to give this the response that it deserves. Quickly, you make a lot of statements that tell me a lot about the situation. 1. “and since I was never good enough at home…” – Codependency is generational. Children model the behavior of their parents. 2. She is always a champion for those being picked on, abused…. this is where she feels most comfortable, with these types of people – it speaks of her self-esteem. Behavior usually doesn’t come out of nowhere. Try to look at this as not an attack against you – you have your own tapes that are playing over and over again – we can’t help but inadvertently pass on things from our own childhood to our children without knowing it. If you would like more information on Codependency there are many books on the market.
I agree with you Serenity. There are children that have been abused and never developed empathic traits because its not part of their temperament. And there are cases as your children, well nurtured, and have empathic traits. Plus empath does not mean that always chose for the good or that they cant be mean . Empaths can also be twisted for several reasons and can be as evil as psycopaths. I have seen empaths hoovered by cluster b personalities and they are cruel and pathetic, they become psycho/narcs satellites.
Just WOW….you described my life as a child of an (emotionally unavailable) alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother that I had to mother!
This article was like looking into a mirror and seeing myself for the first time…but with answers as to why I seek the same MONSTERS in relationship after relationship…to my near ruin!
Savannah, you have MORE THAN extraordinary insight and your journalism talents have been gifts to your readers because you communicate on a deep level that resonates! Thank you for shedding light on a part of me that was perplexing for so long and was cause of my self-sabotaging relationship behavior (seeking love from the emotionally ‘unavailable’) that has plagued me for most of my life.
Thank you, Savannah, for helping me to save my life.
Wow your description of developing skills as an empath and fixer resonated so much with me . Thanks for the insight
“The over-givers try their best to please others and usually find themselves with partners, who show them by word or deed that their best will never be good enough.”
Before I understood NPD and codependence, I texted that very sentiment to my NPD girlfriend during one of our many breakups. I simply blurted it out that I was “sorry that I could never be good enough.” I really had no idea that her NPD requirements were the perfect “match” for my over-giving personality, and I was just frustrated that she had so many requirements that I couldn’t seem to meet. These articles are gold, Savannah. Thanks for posting them.
Yep… I lived that too for over 30 years…hoping you are free to know now you are good enough!
How very true, and not easy reading when you recognize yourself in the words. I am an over giver, or at least I was, only after many years of the very behaviour written about here did I learn that I had to change if I was to go on to better things, that I had to value myself, that no matter what I gave to the wrong person it would never be enough. I had great difficulty in saying no, even if i knew i was being used, even if i knew i would regret doing another thing for that person. It was like a merry-go-round, give too much, receive nothing emotionally back, except abuse for the most part and then when the inevitable happened and i was discarded blamed myself for behaving in a way that was enabling the very person who used me. It was only in my quest to find out what was wrong with me and reading blogs such as this that made me change my ways, I learnt to say no, I learnt to walk away, to give up and move on. It is not easy to admit that as much as my ex was a narc, that i at times played a part in my own downfall. I had to take a good look at myself, the only person that could change my life was me, but it was hard to change what had become the habit of a lifetime, it didn’t happen over night, it is still something I have to work on daily. I know that the advice on here maybe hard to accept sometimes, but it is better to face facts than to continue living in a miserable relationship.
A friend has turned me on to your blog and i have been binge reading back columns. So much of what you say here corresponds to what counseling have shown me and my own self learning from past relationships. My own feeling of poor self worth kept me in a 30 year marriage with an alcoholic. i taught my daughter well in how to be an over giver for her own narcissist. I left seeking health only to be turned out by family that didn’t want to see how i was seeking a healthier life. But avoiding narc in the future has been hard. Or recognizing a good relationship and staying in it is equally hard. I let my latest narc come back. i was feeding off her neediness and left a healthier relationship. I stayed with her , bought a new home, moved and after a year she got tired of me and left. And I’m still addicted but trying as hard as I can to work on myself , love myself so that I can be a good partner in a good relationship with a good and caring woman. From your column and my counseling I’m understanding better that its okay to want what I want in a relationship and to recognize whats not good and walk away. The only problem is you spend a lot of time looking and wondering if that one true love is really out there? Or are we all a little screwed up ? Is there a chance to find someone else with their head on straight? I know that the healthier we are the easier it is to recognize other healthy people. I hope that the good ones out number the damaged one out here.
The other day I had one of those moments when you realize you’ve “done it again”. You gave too much, you felt sorry for someone and they fooled you, etc. Here’s the thing: it doesn’t always happen in relationships it happens with strangers, co-workers and anyone else you come into contact with.
Last week I went to buy my first brand new car, with my own financing. I am married and with my husband’s help I am learning to not allow people to use me and stand up for my needs. Not surprisingly the sales man was a narcissistic jerk. He pushed and pushed me to sign the papers and complete the deal. I had to fight him every step of the way to go at my pace. Whenever I tried to change something he got petulant. At the end of the sale, as I sat in the car with the sales man, he asked if he could count on me to give him a good customer satisfaction survey because his pay scale depended on it. I was put on the spot and said “oh yes, of course!” I instantly regretted it.
Later when I got home I realized that he’d made me feel dirty – kinda like I’d been date-raped through the whole process. He didn’t care about ME or MY needs and I’M the CUSTOMER!
Then the empathic, responsible side of me kicked in and said, “But you promised you’d give him a good survey…” My husband said he had been a jerk and told me to fill out the survey honestly, with my real feelings. Having someone back me up has made a huge difference. I don’t know if I could do this alone!
Also, I was very sick last week and had to call in to work. I hate calling in because we are always so short of people I feel guilty. The doctor gave me a note for 2 days off and I nearly told my boss I’d be back after just one day. Then, again, I caught myself. It’s important to get well and take care of myself. I need to put myself first and not worry about who will work for me!
Those are the battles people like us fight every day, the internal drive to give and give. Knowing that your attributes can be either positive or negative depending on how you handle them is important. We are not “all bad”! But giving too much and in the face of abuse, poor treatment and health has repercussions. Each time I fight the urge it gets easier the next time (and the world didn’t come crashing down!). You can’t fix people, you can only change yourself.
I’m a bit all of those things. I didn’t know I was an empath. I see it as a curse. I went my whole childhood knowing when I was being lied to but not knowing why or what to do about it except to not trust people. Then I lost that skill (or internally found a way to shut it off or ignore it) until my Narc came into my life. By the time I figured it out again I was in too deep. Having that ability come up again isolated me because not only could I tell when he was lying, I could tell when my family was too except that I had no proof. How do you confront someone who is hurting you with no proof? Luckily for me, my narc couldn’t hide it well when he knew that I knew he was lying. He’s probably honing that skill with his new victim.
I am a “fixer” and I now know my narc is my little fixer-upper. I keep taking him back because deep down I believe there is good in him (they all have good qualities, right?) and that he could become the person I know he can be (but is not). I realized this a week ago, and then when I took him back once again, I actually told him this.
My confusion is this though: I know our childhood determines a lot of our adult lives, personalities and problems. The thing is that I had a great childhood, stable parents (still happily married), I was taught core values, morals, there was no abuse, no neglect, etc. So my behavior cannot stem from childhood. But I do know that I always looked at my relationships that if they could be fixed, if there was just a small chance, then let’s not give up. If I was with someone for just 2-3 months, I already felt that we sholdn’t just give up, try all we can, and then if it doesn’t work, fine, but this way I will never look back and have regrets. So did I somehow teach this behavior to myself? Can I somehow unlearn this?
I did however learn in the past few months that I have to establish boundaries and enforce them (have been doing it, and things have gotten much better. We butt heads sometimes by my narc actually backs down and respects those boundaries, until I have to remind him again) I also let him know that this relationship is not only about him and his son and their needs, but it’s also about me. I’m here, and I’m an equally important person. I think he got that, I keep enforcing it.
But I want “unlearn’ this “fixer” behavior, because that’s what made me put him in the center of attention and neglected my own needs. How do I do that?
I figured out why I’m a fixer. I talked to a psychologist at my school (I”m a teacher), she’s also a friend, so I was picking her brain. We concluded that not every issue we have has to come from something bad. Mostly everything does come from childhood, but because I had a great childhood this was confusing. Well, I’m from Hungary. The generation of my parents believed that you get married and stay married for life. You work out your issues, you fix whatever you have to. So when I’m in a relationship, however short it may be (2-3 months) and we run into problems, I want to fix it, not abandon it. Dealing with a narc, this gets exponentially more difficult, because I want to fix it even more since I’ve seen how wonderful he was in the beginning, right? So that got me 13 months with him. Since I’ve written a response to this article we have broken up one more time but this time, the only time I can honestly say that I am 100 % over him. I’ve found out some missing pieces of information that just completed his horrible image, no excuses for anything and I am over him, completely living and loving my life. I figured out why i was a fixer right after we broke up (1 months ago) and I think that really helped.
Hi Savannah I am definitely an over giver and honestly i am in a really bad spot in my life right now..is there any resource like a step by step guide that I could follow to help myself get out of these automatic toxic behaviors and relationships??
Thanks Sav…my search for answers to my relationship issues led me to your blog ..and my life changed forever! There was a time when I was so proud to be empathetic…i gave and gave…Now I know I have to practise self care and self love first…
My ex-Narc cheated on me for four months and is mad that I found out in December (his ipad synced with his phone and I read it all). I ended the relationship and he has been making magical promises and declarations of love & marriage ever since. This whole time he has also been in an online dating frenzy searching for replacements. I just received this email:
“When I first met you, I noticed you carry extra weight around your hips and thighs and I noticed how insecure you were about it.
The true ugly malicious insecure nasty little girl that I have blinded myself to came rushing out. And imprinted on your appearance. The fat ugly mean small insecure woman-child you are is all over you now.
Xxxxxx came over last night. I told her everything. She called you a tramp. Was very understanding about the difficulties of my first rebound relationship. Jokingly suggested I send you picture of herself.
And yes, I told her about Xxxxx. Xxxxxx is still here now, in fact, and knows I’m writing this. We just woke up an hour or so ago. You know what that means. Just an unfortunate shadow and extension of my ex wife and marriage. Something in the past, with no value for the future.
I will be completely over you as any kind of person within days now.”
I feel sorry for the next addition to his harem. He is already setting Xxxxx up to compete for him. She’ll show him all women aren’t bad. He loves to be taken care of. I had to compete with his ex and now he has a new audience to hear endless tales of being a victim. He is on probation for child endangerment, he is an alcoholic and unemployed, but she’ll find out after she’s blinded in love.
Wish me luck with my escape. I hope sharing stories demonstrates how similar they all behave.
igboyd: I wish you luck, strength, karma, love…whatever it takes for you to get OUT. Yes, we have all been in a nightmare. Getting out is wonderful and life changing. HUGS
A ton of truth in this post, I’ve had to become aware of most of these behaviors in myself, then learn to take action to deal with them. One thing I’ve come to see: the reason we call excessive “caring” Caretaking is that we take something from others when we do it. We deprive them of the chance to grow and become self sufficient. The slow their progress as capable adults. On the other hand those who give voluntarily with joy are called Caregivers — they (we?) give a great gift by freely giving out of their own abundance. I am striving to be more of s care giver and less of a caretaker.
HC
SATX, I think being an empath, a fixer and a giver are not ‘bad’ things. I think they are great qualities. You are not damaged (please be careful of your self talk….when you say that you are shaming yourself). I think we (myself included!) Just need to learn to be more discerning when we empathize, fix and give…..and to whom we empathize, fix and give. Also, to learn Tha we really cannot fix – we can help but we cannot change people…..that’s completely out of our control. Take good care.
I love the part about creating new habits and a healthy lifestyle. I found that what makes these behaviors even more difficult to break is that oftentimes they become our identity…you’re everyone’s “anchor”, his “ride or die”, the “glue that keeps the family together” etc. Feels so good when people talk about us like that, and it feels so bad when they don’t or imply the opposite. We become so terrified of loosing that identity that it further perpetuates these unhealthy behaviors. That’s why, for me at least, picking up new healthy habits was big, because it started filling my life with other things, things that were growing me and giving me other outlets and ways of identifying myself.
Also baby steps. Starting small, like not meeting up with someone if it really inconveniences you or ordering the dish you really want at the restaurant instead of just the least expensive one or the one you get because your friend/partner/dining companion want to share/try. It might feel selfish but I really found these small actions to be such good building blocks. They get you in the habit of considering you first and being mindful of your actions. Because changing everything at once is overwhelming and pretty much impossible. Anyways just my musings. Love this community and love reading all the comments! Thank you Savannah!
SATX, i can tell from your photo you have beautiful hair and a lovely smile (I’m actually a little jealous of your smile). That is 2 positives right off the bat. And only external positives at that. Sav teaches self love. So far i suck at it but im really trying to improve. I really want to take advantage of skype sessions once i pay off my big debt. I need a boost to get me on the self care band wagon.
Also i do not think because a post is written regarding negative behaviors that we need to acknowledge and address means that a person exhibiting these behaviors has no positive qualities. That was never stated. What was stated is that being an empath isn’t something to necessarily be proud of since the behaviors that come with it are detrimental to the person exhibiting those behaviors. In my opinion i read parts of this post as addressing the fallacy of the justifications for empaths as overly kind and caring nurturers that we should all strive to be. Being kind and caring is what we should strive to be. Being a doormat disguised as a kind and caring person is not. Hugs to all. This is rough but we can do it.
I think it is hard to label your childhood abusive when you have had the sweetest parents. But my mom had NO self esteem and she passed that on to her 2 daughters. My 2 brothers could do no wrong and all i heard all my young life was how wonderful my dad was and how stupid my mom was. ..out of her own mouth. She devalued herself and put the men in our family on a pedestal. Not what young daughters need to experience. Also due to her low self esteem, everyone else (outside of our family) was happier, thinner, prettier, wealthier. ..basically all the er’s you can think of.
She was physically, mentally and sexually abused as a child. Her entire life she remained in denial. After her father died, she told us he molested her. She went to therapy for a month or two and declared herself cured. Then she even started backpedaling on being molested. I didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral as i could not be a hypocrite. I did not love her. She said the cruelest things to my mother because she had a child at 16. Called her a slut and whore and i refuse to honor someone like that at a memorial.
Abuse is an awful disease and even though my mom never wanted us to feel what she did. ..like we were damaged goods. ..we felt it. I battle it today. I do not look at these traits as flaws or weaknesses as one poster seemed to imply about herself. They are merely behaviors to change. Albeit darned hard to change after 50 years of habits and wrong thinking but I am determined to overcome this!
Please don’t hold on to the thinking that you are flawed, damaged, abnormal, etc. Or that you are tired of hearing what is wrong with you. Because we do need to hear the behaviors and thinking we need to change and we need to hear it often as that is the only way we will get on the right path.
This post has made me feel even worse about myself. All the negatives about me are glaring in each paragraph. Wow, is there *anything* good about being me? I think there is a modicum of positives to be found in each of us, right? Why don’t we ever hear about those? What’s positive about being empathic? I’d like to work on myself, but I’d rather not start at ground zero, knowing everything is wrong with me. Are we all, “quite disturbed”?
Savannah, thank you for your thoughtful posts, I read each of them in their entirety and enjoy them; however, as of late, I’m just worn down from hearing about how damaged I am.
This article is SPOT ON – I recognize myself in each section and although I knew and know what I know – you articulate it so well that it really helps it seep in – to the point that I feel that if I use this as supplemental reading daily, I know I’m going to be alright. Thank you so much!!
It’s important to understand our childhood family roles & dynamics. Thanks for the reminder.
The gender imbalances in society are equally responsible for the fact that women and children are most often the targets of narcissistic abuse, I believe. Women raised with equal value and freedom in families with educated mothers working in non-traditional female fields may be very compassionate and nurturing without being “conned by a spouse”.
Men should be called on to limit their dominance and competitive natures and develop healthy skills in love, romantic & other.
Refusing to take full personal responsibility for predominating cultural and in particular demeaning and devaluing influences of traditional religion on all of us.
The root does not lie with the individual. The root is in the male hierarchical system of violence, privilege over women and children,
and the possessive nature of male control.
There are many less instances of domestic abuse in Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, the Netherlands and many more countries in which women are equally represented in the halls of power — the legislature and judicial courts. Countries in which elders, children and women have equal rights in fact as evidenced by equal representation and equal pay.
I totally agree with the over giver. A young man has been pursuing me for over 6 months. He skipped the friendship getting to know you phase. He went from hello to lets spend our lives together in a week. I keep telling him that he needs to slow his role and get to know me. He has spent hundreds of dollars buying me gifts. He will ask me if he can do something for me and I will tell him no. He keeps trying to buy my attention. I have told him that I have no intention of being with him because his desperation/neediness/over giving makes me very uncomfortable. Based on what he shared, his last serious girlfriend got cars, jewelry and house paid for 13 years while never really investing in the relationship. It’s so sad.
Savannah
This is me to a T- all of it. My mother was definitely co-dependent and walked on eggshells around my father, who was always angry. She was also distant and would say to us: “Wait until your father gets home!” So there was fear as a little child and loneliness as my sister was also always angry and looking to get me in trouble. I have repeated this behavior throughout my life and throughout my marriage. I am struggling with it still as my divorce is being finalized. As you know, my stbx called me after 8 months of the silent treatment,and then ended up in alcohol rehab a few days later. I feel sorry for him- and while I would never want anyone to pity me- I am afraid that the pity will suck me back in. After all, I am the mommy and the rescuer. I hope and believe I can stand firm here but it’s hard to reverse a life time of fixing things.
This is me. All of it. You hit every point about this frustrating quality many of us share. It sounds so positive, being able to withstand things, and love and forgive difficult people etc. However, being an Empath is NOT something to necessarily brag about. It’s something you have to be very careful of or it can really damage you.
I do feel the energy of others around me, and because i also learned (erroneously) that it is MY responsibility to ‘help’ other people alleviate their pain, I can get caught up in doing that and ignore that I am in pain, as though my pain is not as worthy of fixing as theirs!
I guess I handle it now by being very careful to include MYSELF (my spirit, my essence) in my fixing compulsion. I actually have to consciously remind myself to think of me as a person worthy of fixing or helping too! And if I find that if I need fixing or soothing or help, I purposely MAKE myself tend to ME first before I assist others. If they whine and pout about it, I do feel bad and anxious but again, I diliberately choose not to react to it.
The way I see it now, our source made us all. I was put inside my body, and it’s my job first and foremost to protect and love me. I am my guardian, and I look at guarding me as my #1 priority. That doesn’t mean I don’t help others. Sometimes helping others first IS the right thing, and when I cross check doing that with my gut/intuition and it feels right then I go ahead. But the point I am making is that in order to be of any use to others at all, we cannot let ourselves get all worn down and depleted by over giving. Normal people give until it hurts. Co dependents/empaths give until they bleed out and almost die.
Sassysusie, thank you for sharing very helpful practical tips. For whatever reasons, I’ve felt responsible to ‘help’ other people alleviate their pain and I have got into troubles in my attempts to do so. This side of my personality was how I got started with my ex Narc.
Hi Savannah, do I understand you right–realizing that I am a codependent fixer/empath can help me to quit a toxic relationship, but it hardly will “save” me from engaging with a narcissist/psychopath in the first place, because they are very well masking? That is–I will be able to stop and quit a relationship, but not to enter?
I think Pavel that on one respect you are correct, if you are at a healthy place emotionally and you enter into a relationship with a Narcissist you will likely end the relationship quickly, when you notice something is off (that’s the hope anyway). The other thing is when you are healthier you are vibrating at a higher emotional level (psychopaths/narcissist vibrate at a lower energy level) and the key is that these lower emotional energy beings will no longer be attracted to you and you will no longer be attracted to them.
Savannah, you know everything you said here is true! I was talking to an ex friend about this years ago, and this is who she is, always putting others peoples needs before her in every way, just so she can be loved. She’s even dating a woman now, because she doesn’t want to be alone and just wants somebody but claim she’s not that way. She was in toxic relationships with men, now its a woman. She puts everybody before her. I was dating a guy who took from me on all levels and when I realize I was doing to much and where it came from, I witnessed this as a child. I got rid of it, I mean him. I grew up in a family that we were neglected on all levels, no love, no affection. e had to fend for ourselves, because my dad was abusive, from the time he got up, from the time he went to sleep. We never got a chance to see our mother at all really. I had an extremely hard childhood, one I would never want to go back to. So it taught me to depend on myself, because I couldn’t depend on my parents or even older siblings. When I left home, and went to go stay with friends and family, its like I was back in that whole mode of caring for others, and I didn’t like it. People saw my disadvantage as their advantage. I knew a lot of takers and no givers. And when I stood up for myself, it was always met with some type of quarrel, as if I shouldn’t be saying what I’m saying just because someone let me stay with them. When I saw my parents years later, after being away for almost 20 year, the same behavior was their, as they wanted someone to take care of them and its like I was walking on egg shells, I left. These people did not care about my needs at all, I felt like I was a child again. It drained me and I got out of there quick. I notice that when I give or do things for people and I see how they respond to it, as if what I do for them, they can have in their lifetime, to make their life easier, like with men. I shut it down. Men sense that I’m a ‘nurturer” or giver’ and even if they are taken, they will try to attempt to see how they can take from me. My father senses my mothers weakness and how she walked on eggshells and her never knowing what was going to tick him off, he would get mad at anything, no matter what it was and this would go on for days and months and even years, he would abuse my mother over stuff that happened when he was a child and even his children and weren’t even there. To this day he’s still mad things didn’t go his way. he loves making people uneasy and being a narcissist. He thrives off of it, he looks and preys on women that are weak minded and that are going through things. He enjoys tearing them down, he feels he should be teaching them, but he’s so insecure, and has never made anything of his life. He hates women. He abuses women. Its like he wants to take control of their mind and have them be robots. He’s charming and these women fall for it.
I cannot begin to tell you how, helpful, inspirational and insightful this post was for me. I ready it 3 times. WOW!!! I am just in awe. I am so grateful for your willingness to help individuals such as myself. This is a great start to my healing process. Thank you so much.
Savannah,
I have been doing very well with dealing with my co-dependency issues from childhood. marriages and past relationships. I feel I am in control for the first time in my life and I have power! Power of me, my feelings and what I will and won’t accept from people in my life. I have a few friends who I am sending this particular blog to. They are dating Narcs or are going off the deep end “fixing” and being “everything” to their men aka Narcs!
Thank you for the wonderful insight and after over 50+ years as a co-dependent I understand my childhood, my fears, my feelings about being “not good enough”, Etc. I have started dating again and now I know what red flags I have to be on the lookout for.
I have many female friends and are now able to date men who are not “Narcs”. I feel so young again!
So many females in my family fit one or more of these categories – including myself. These are thoughtful observations on why we do the things we do. Wish this had been taught in school!
Like Savannah, I grew up in a ‘good family’ where the abuse was very subtle. Never any apologies or admitting that you were wrong, which meant that anything bad was automatically my fault – because I was the youngest and female.
As an adult, I am still having problems with bullies. I was bullied at home when I was growing up, and I sometimes feel that I have a little cloud over my head that only bullies can see!
I do often try to fix everything to get little bits of affection. If you have to work to get affection, is the ‘love’ really worth it?
I’m starting to put myself first, and getting push back from family, so these posts really help me stick to it.
My husband and I have been separated since December 2014. We have a 3 year old boy. We went to couples therapy for 5 months after which the therapist told us that we are not compatible. My husband’s view of marriage is very selfish. He wants little to no child, family and marital responsibilities and wants to play pool and smoke Marijuana as he pleases. He is mean to me and yesterday, when my 3 year old wouldn’t share his fries with him asked him several times what is wrong with him and then shamed me for the way I am raising our son 🙁 I know I need to divorce him. He is already not living with us but I need to ask him to move all his things out and that I will file for divorce. Where do I find the strength to do this? I feel so mean. I have been in therapy for my fixer/empathy issues and in general I have come a long long long way. But this situation is very triggering for me. I find myself not taking care of me which I worked so hard to overcome. I just feel so mean. It’s killing me 🙁
Well. Every time I read what I think is your best post, you come up with one that is even better. I learned all of these behaviors because of my father and brought them into my recently-ended 29 year= marriage. Whew! NO more!
Hello! the whole time I am reading this ..thinking this is what all females need to know. It needs to be common knowledge and the gratitude of all your hard work coming to us Savannah. Empath…ubiquitous slippery slope to stay stuck Yes sexy word..ha! How hypnotic too. Can you just hear the smooth NARC intone with their useful vocal manipulations oh baby YOU ARE AN EMPATH …to get them siphoning off your lifes energies for their use and disposal??.. WAKE OH WAKE AND SLEEP NO LONGER..J.S.BACH
I agree with everything you said…I personally have experienced that and your blog has opened my eyes to all of it.
I am now studying codependency and how to not be codependent anymore…THANK YOU.
I would like to also add that I came from a loving family. None of my issues are from them, but from being bullied my entire childhood and then having horrible (dating) relationships as a teen/young adult. I am in a great marriage now with a wonderful guy, but I fight with this codependency nonsense daily. I feel guilty for basic needs and have to fight an inner war daily to just take care of myself. Your blog has really helped me! Thank you again!
Angell a lot of people have a hard time seeing abuse or neglect in their upbringing. For the longest time I believed my family was normal. My father was very loving, my mother was very emotionally distant and it took a long time for me to see it and accept it. She didn’t beat me or lock me in closets, but very subtly and sometimes not so subtly, she passed along the message that I wasn’t good enough. I was bullied at school also. I think bullies are really good at reading people who struggle with their self-esteem too.
Hi Savannah,
I’ve been reading your advices for about 6 months now. This last one has really made me realized how I’ve become a fixer, and codependent. It is really difficult to break these patterns of behavior. I will try to implement the suggestions in your article. I want to have a healthy self esteem but I still gravitate to men that are narsaccists. I’m much better that I was. How can I continue to develop a high self esteem so I can really believe that I am worthy of people in my life that treat me with love,care and respect? Thank you so much for all your insightful and helpful articles.
Savannah, I’m starting to connect the dots from my childhood to the aftermath of the discard(s). Walking on eggshells around my father, being told by our mother to apologize to him for upsetting him after his rages, people pleasing, easily falling into relationships with Ns… I am starting to look at encounters and relationships from my perspective now. I decide how I feel about someone, instead of wondering how they feel about me. I listen carefully to what someone tells me and I notice red flags early on. I still can’t say that a failed relationship with an N is a gift from the Universe, but I can say that the discard and the search for information about it changed forever how I perceive and interact with others. Thank you so much for your site, your posts have helped me wake up and make needed changes. I put my self care first now. I’m no longer a people pleaser. And it feels good.