Dating is like investing in the stock market. We want to get the best possible return on our investment, so we want to be informed and make the right decisions.
We can do some insider trading, by getting info from previous partners and we can do our due diligence and research the product, so that you can make the most educated decisions possible, but the bottom line is, every time you invest your emotional currency in a relationship, there is an element of chance and it is always going to be a gamble. What most people should be doing is learning how to minimize risk.
I get so many emails from readers desperate not to repeat the same mistakes in their next relationship. They want a sure fire way to spot a bad investment/Narcissist, so that they can pull their assets out and cut their losses quickly.
The difficulty with dating in general, is that most people don’t reveal who they truly are, until you’ve made the initial investment and if you happen to run into a Narcissist well … a Narcissist can’t show you who they are, because their sense of self/their entire identity is skewed, so what you see in the beginning is a mirage – a projection of who they think you want them to be. They can’t be themselves, because they don’t even know who they are.
The problem is that there is so much going on inside their head, that it’s near impossible to unravel their mystery in a lifetime, let alone in the first couple of dates and they spend the majority of their time with you, trying to trick you and mislead you, so that you can never ever get close enough to see the truth.
Fortunately, there are a some behaviors that are common to all types, subtypes and classes of Narcissist, some of these will be more prevalent in some and less so in others, but all Narcissists show these behaviors in varying degrees
They do the Hokey Pokey: They are never emotionally or physically in the relationship at the same time that you are. They’ve got one foot in and when you put a foot in, they pull theirs out. When you pull your foot out, they put theirs back in…. This is a massive red flag that this person doesn’t do intimacy. In these relationships there is no middle, just a bunch of beginnings and endings and we know that it’s in the middle part of a relationship where love evolves and intimacy grows.
This isn’t just about being physically present, although for some types it is. Typically Cerebral Narcissists and Inverted Narcissists often do have long term relationships. They will go through cycles of pushing you away and pulling you closer, even while living in the same house. You may be witnessing the behavior, but calling it by a different name like, moodiness, selfishness, anxiety or stress.
The Hokey Pokey is about emotional distance. You could be married to a Narcissist for 25 years and still not have a clue who this person really is. You can’t get emotionally close to a Narcissist. It’s just not possible
They have inappropriate or crazy outbursts over insignificant things. This is a very clear sign that you are involved with a Narcissist. They make mountains out of molehills and their behavior seems way over the top. They may go off on a tangent of curses that would make Eddy Murphy cringe, or they may just go on and on and not let something go. When their delicate sensitivities have been injured, they can be meaner than the Incredible Hulk on steroids. What will throw you, is the extent of their anger and the miniscule little triggers that set them off. This may be directed at you, or someone else and is usually followed by some type of punishment – like the silent treatment, or they may hold a grudge seemingly forever. This behavior will really stand out to you as odd and may only happen once in a while, but when it does you won’t forget it.
They pedestal people. At times they will hold certain people in really high esteem. They will want to know everything about them, spend lots of time around them, help them, be their friend and be in their circle. They could be their bosses at work, pseudo or real celebrities, athletes or anyone they can glean status or supply through proxy.
They have minions/harem members/followers/hangers-on. They like to have an audience. These people could be co-workers, ex-partners, internet groupies, friends, anyone that can supply attention and admiration and make the Narcissist feel special. It may or may not be sexual, but they like to know that people look up to them.
They try to isolate you from people you are close to. If you’ve been involved with them for some time they will want to create conflict between you and those that are close to you. They either want your attention all to themselves, they need you to choose them over your friends or family, or they know they are shady and don’t want you to be close to anyone capable of pointing out their flaws.
They always seem to be angry. While you may find them laughing and joking around at times, they carry an underlying deep seeded contempt for everything and everyone. They often seem paranoid and have a scary, deeply envious side to them.
It is unfortunate that we can’t tattoo a giant red flag on the forehead of every Narcissist. This would make identification so much easier, but if we pay attention to these signs we can have a better understanding of just what we are dealing with. Awareness is our best defense.
The unfortunate part is, that you aren’t going to see these traits early on when you’re dating a Narcissist. These behaviors reveal themselves slowly, once they’ve secured a connection. The best way to make sure you don’t end up in a relationship with another Narcissist is to make sure that you are emotionally healthy yourself. By treating yourself with love and respect, by having boundaries, by knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and by not being afraid to walk away once you’ve spotted an unhealthy pattern, then and only then can you protect yourself.
Most importantly, trust your Instincts – if your gut is telling you something is off, then believe it – something is off. These feelings are the Universe’s way of sending us warning signals. The more we listen to them, the stronger they become.
I’ll leave you with Sav’s dirty dozen dating tips. They aren’t necessarily specific traits of a Narcissist, but I would suggest that if your date shows any of the following behaviors, you should be looking for a window in the bathroom.
Sav’s Dirty Dozen Dating Tips (I know there are 15) Crawl out the bathroom window if:
They have any type of addiction – drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling.
They have a criminal record – violent tendencies, lack of respect for authority.
They suffer from mental illness – I’m not advocating intolerance, the problem for me is that these are often unpredictable and not somewhere I would want to invest my emotional currency, not to mention the possible repercussions of reproducing and passing on the illness to any offspring.
They are misogynistic – they talk about their ex, or their sister, or their mother – all women for that matter, with contempt.
They are full of hard-luck stories – they talk about how everyone has done them wrong and they were the poor victims of everything – nothing is ever their fault.
They are unemployed – I’m not judging, being unemployed might be fine for them, but I’m not looking for a grown man to support.
They seem emotionally wounded or broken – it’s not your job to fix anybody. Don’t look for fixer-upper projects – you’re banking your emotional currency on someone else’s desire to change and give you what you want. Not a good investment.
They are over 30 and still living with their parents – I know this is common in some cultures, but to me it says, ‘I can’t take care of myself and it’s going to take a stick of dynamite to get me away from my mama and if you do – you can expect to take her place, taking care of me, in every way. ‘ No thanks.
All they talk about is themselves – you notice every time you start to say something, you get interrupted by another rendition of how awesome they are.
They are constantly on their phones, or their phones keep going off – unless there is a good reason (ill parents, real estate agent…) you shouldn’t be on your phone during a date. Constant text messages could be an indication of a harem, but bottom line it’s disrespectful and shows you that they are not present.
They want to move way too fast – they start talking about getting married and you haven’t finished your salad, or how much they want to get through desert, so they can take you back to their place.
They brag a lot – they keep telling you how great their life is. They have the best job, they make so much money, they have the greatest car, everyone loves them …. If you have to tell someone you’re great, you’re probably not.
They keep looking for reassurance – you know how people say confidence is sexy – well lack of confidence is really unsexy. I don’t want to be with a guy that I constantly have to keep puffing up his self-esteem – it is too exhausting and screams ‘I’m insecure and emotionally unhealthy.’
They have a weird relationship with their parents – yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Something seems really off, like you’re walking with your boyfriend and his mom and you’re holding hands and you look over and he’s also holding his mom’s hand (totally happened to me). You don’t want to be involved in that tug of war – trust me on that one. Look for people who have cut the umbilical cord.
They are not over their ex – don’t spend another minute with this one. If they are in love with someone else, then they aren’t available for a mutually fulfilling relationship with you and they shouldn’t be dating – hence the term emotionally unavailable. Don’t get hung up nursing someone back to love – it won’t work out – at least not for you.
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Unfortunately alot of these posts by “victims” of narcissists objectify the narcissist. I too fell in love with a woman who was imprisoned in narcissism. I still love her. Love them from a distance.
Wow Andre I’m struggling to see how you got that I “objectify” Narcissists. I’m pretty sure this post is full of derogatory descriptions and warnings. You should maybe read it again.
The narcissistic woman I lived with for nine months had a 25-year-old, live-at-home son. One night early in our relationship, we had just gotten into bed when she called him into the room. She wanted a foot massage. He got massage lotion, propped her feet up on a pillow, and have each foot a long, deep massage, with her telling him when it felt especially good because he’d hit what she called a “crunchy spot.” When I would ask her if I could give her a foot massage, she always said no. These foot massages were a regular thing. I’ve never told this story to anyone who hasn’t said words to the effect, “That’s weird.” Why did I put up with this? I’d moved across country to be with her. I was in her house. And I loved her. The result of coping with this and other classic narcissistic traits of hers was that I slowly became someone else. I am truly amazed at all I put up with during those nine months. Towards the end, I began putting emotional pressure on her to not treat me as an afterthought in her life, and she called it quits on us. I was devastated. I still feel the pain, but reading this blog and reader comments are constant reminders that I’m a lucky man to be out of that toxic relationship. I would’ve gone crazy if I’d stayed in it. I look on the long list of men she’s jettisoned as being lucky, too.
Thanks Sav for your great blog. I needed to add this comment – as co-d’s and many times as women we don’t believe people when they sneak in and tell us their bad points. Instead we nurture and say the them and ourselves, “no, you’re not really like that.” But what I have learned is that if we really, listen, I mean listen like our lives depend on it, people will really tell us who they are, sometimes in the first few encounters. Case in point, my ex-N used to tell me he was broken. But i would say, no you’re not, just misunderstood. Or he would pride himself and say, “yeah, I’m Larry the lying lawyer.” Ha ha. He even said, ” I collect people” and ” I’m a chameleon, I mimic whomever I am with”. Well if I had really listened and not nurtured away and discounted what he said I would never have gotten involved with him and all the pain that came with that.
I recently went out with a man. Over some texts and then dinner I learned the following – he’s a dog (his words), he treated his kids like crap and they didn’t speak to him for 7 years, he uses drugs, and he was the victim of a bad business deal. Well I can tell you that in the past, I would have put on my blinders and made excuses for all of those things for him to make him better to be with. Now, hell no, no man like that is allowed in my life. He told me exactly what he was like, and I am listening.
So my point is, really listen to what these guys/girls say about themselves – as many lies as they tell, they really do slip the truth in about themselves to see if we will excuse it. Rationalize who they are and ignore it – I.e., have no boundaries so they can roll forward.
As I read her article, about the pattern, of the “narcissist” man. I find it interesting, that she’s warning women, who will continue to engage with these type of men; after reading this article! Why: many women today, have issue they need to address personally! Such as: low self esteem; insecurities; trust and anger, abandonment issues; all of which need to be addressed! Until, they’re issues are address; they’re likely to continue attracting “Narcissist” men!
Savannah, your article is extremely well presented. I have just been involved with an N who scores 13/15 on your ‘dirty dozen’ of red flags. I recognized a number of these early in the piece myself but his good looks, charm and immaculate manners and education swept me away. After a while the behaviours became more grating and unbearable and then the non-responses to texts and calls began. Still, once one is hooked, it is very hard to turn off the feelings one has – too many fairytales when we were young. Luckily there are some emotionally mature men in the world. Problem is most of them are keepers and not in circulation until they lose wife #1. Meanwhile, self-heal and be ready. Enjoy and appreciate one’s own gifts and stay connected. Thank goodness for the gym.
Heartening stories!
It’s heartening to read these stories of women recovering from their experience!
Hi Savannah, really appreciate all the works you do. I think growing public awareness on NPD should demand narcissists to seek help. And those who dont seek help should be registered like sex offenders!
I met my current narcissist online. He told me the was 36. I was 42. He told me he was a high school teacher and coached basketball. He told me he didn’t want children of his own, but loved coaching children. He told me that he had 2 roommates and was saving money to buy a house. We liked the same music and tv shows. We both wanted to travel. At the time I was studying Law or Attraction, and was genuinely starting to feel good about myself. I’d just spent 3.5 years in Family Court, where I was destroyed by another Narcissist. I felt like, “Wow, this is the one, this is what I’ve been waiting for!” As time started to pass, his stories didn’t add up. I researched him online and found out that he was only 27, was only a JV basketball coach 3 months out of the year, and lived at home with mom and dad. I asked why he lied and he told me that if he’d told me the truth, I wouldn’t have dated him. That is true. He looks very much like his father. I look very similar to his mother. About a month after dating, he told me his father was in a car accident and was in ICU – he couldn’t see me until after visiting hours ended each night. I had told him that my father had been on life support and died about 10 years prior. I tried to be loving and supportive during this time. I sent him mom a message with my sincere wishes for her husband to have a quick recovery. She blocked me and has never spoken to me since. His father was never in a car accident. About 6 months into the relationship, he told me that he no longer wanted to see me because, “I couldn’t give him what he wants most – a biological child of our own.” He came back a few weeks later stating that he couldn’t live without me. We’ve broken up many times. He’s kept our life separate from his life. He’s actively on many dating sites. He’s had at least 5 jobs in the past 2.5 years. However, he’s had the same friends basically since 5th grade. I would question how they didn’t see/experience what I was. I questioned myself constantly if I were making it worse then it really was?!? In reflection, it was worse than I was claiming. I have realized this whole experience was about ME, not him. About what I needed to hear, believe, feel…when it was all lies…but I wanted them to be real. I wasn’t loving myself enough to allow him to continually disrespect me, lie to me, cheat on me, make me wait for him for hours, cancel on me last minute, isolate me, control me, etc. This has been eye opening to me as to what I will allow in my life. How I do not respect myself, love myself enough to say, “That’s it, it’s over!” and truly mean it.
Savannah, your articles are always wonderfully informative. I so agree with you about the best way to defend yourself against a toxic person is to be emotionally healthy yourself! I think a lot of people still miss this, they are still looking outward. You cannot control anybody else and there are no perfect people. Becoming emotionally healthy is the best barrier between you and toxic people and not only that, but being emotionally healthy attracts other emotionally healthy potential partners.
Amen K
The Internet has completely changed the dynamics of dating, but now I’m worried that many dating sites and apps are just teeming with narcissists.
Seems like the perfect playground for them — a profile page is the perfect way for them to curate who they want us to THINK they are, and dating sites are an easy way for a narc to “hoard” women.
I’m aware that many people who aren’t narcs may lie on their profile (hence the show “Catfish”), and it’s only human nature for everyone to put their best foot — and not their whole, authentic self — forward on job interviews and dates.
I’m not ready, but when I am ready to date again, I’ll probably be stuck going online.
Any advice for us Narc survivors? Any recommended sites? Certain sites we might want to stay away from? In my opinion, the free sites and apps like OKCupid and Tinder are total crap. I thought a pricier site like Eharmony would be better, but based off another comment posted here it sounds like we are not safe!
I met my narc in POF! Now I’m paranoid and scared of using these online dating sites.
My narc fits 12 of the 15 of this list. I feel so embarrassed! How could I be so blind and disregarded my inner warnings and red flags? Ugh! 🙁 🙁
Great post.
When the hokey pokey, hot cold behavior starts, hit eject. Don’t play games- this is what the narc wants and it keeps you from moving towards an open, authentic, communicative, progressing relationship (the book Attached has some good tips on communication). Not all narcs start out obsessing over you (if they start out with the hot cold you are lucky because you can get out faster) but those who do lay it on thick in the beginning super hot phase still have some characteristics which should make you perk up and pay attention and keep from getting attached bc the hokey pokey may be just around the corner. Healthy people may have these characteristics too and not all narcs do but a lot of them do: Seems shallow and vacuous, lacks depth of thought, insight, emotional nuance. Likes to keep things on the surface and avoids serious, “deep” or “negative” conversations- would prefer light, joking banter or to do activities together like sports, in a group or to spend the evening talking about himself/showing you his awards/possessions/conquests. May jokingly comment that you are “deep” or “honest” or “serious” or “sort of sensitive” to deflect their shortcomings/shallowness. Tries hard to sweep you off your feet– tries to impress you, to perform for you, brags (often subtle) shows off with humor. Very charming-may even seem to have a routine, mannerisms, etc. Interested in things about you that are special and related to external status (asks you about your accomplishments, tests your intelligence, beauty, job) but not interested in anything else about you and may seem vaguely annoyed or tries to change the subject if you bring yourself up (or may pretend to be interested in mundane things about you but watch closely and you can probably tell they are faking it and kind of bored). Controlling- you can see annoyance in their eyes when they don’t get their way, or you suggest doing something different or when you don’t seem impressed. Likes to be around the most interesting people, wants to avoid things and people who are boring, awkward or who don’t give them attention. Short attention span- needs stimulation, usually fun or loves fun people. Subtly disparages a competitor or an ex or a situation which may have made them look bad (watch for signs of grudges and obsession). Seems special (and milks it)- attractive or intelligent and funny, successful, and/or confident. Has a boyish or girlish quality. Wants to be seen as a good person to hide the fact that they have a cold, dark heart (watch for brags about charity work or signs of showy kindness to the elderly, children or homeless on your date).
After my N saw my apartment when we first started dating, he asked me repeatedly how much money I made. I actually chalked it up to him being socially awkward and explained to him why it was impolite to ask someone that question. He just didn’t get it. HUGE red flag.
Awesome post. Also, be wary of any guy who seems to hold you in extremely high regard at first, even though he barely knows you. I had started communicating with one guy, “XXXXX”, who I had met on EHarmony. He was extremely complimentary in a cloying way, saying things like “you’re the perfect partner for me” and listing all the interests we had in common. Six months or so out from a previous LTR that had ended, I was unfortunately going through some self esteem doldrums. So his praise and compliments were appreciated. However, later on in the long distance relationship, his true colors began to show. It was clear that he had put me on the romantic pedestal that is common with many Narcs (the idealization phase). At some point, during our third visit, it was clear the bloom was off the rose, and he moved quickly to the devaluation phase by criticizing me over insignificant things.
So, early idolization is definitely a red flag.
Great article Savannah. I’ve been dealing with an N for almost 3 years now. He caught me off guard when we met by coming on very strong and saying all the right things with his charm. Before I knew it he had me sucked in. Slowly and methodically brainwashing until I didn’t know which way was up or down. Telling lies without a second thought. They love inconsistencies to keep you confused. I remember the first few weeks he started blowing hot and cold. So many red flags were flying. He worked in my hometown but lived in another and said he wasn’t around on the weekends. But I would see him around town. Found out later he also has quite the legal record…squatting, foreclosure, restraining order, DUI and creditors after him. In a span of 3 years I’ve never met any of his family or friends. He’s never had the desire to meet mine. Likes to keep me hidden. Always on the phone during dates and he even fled the country for 3 months back to his homeland probably for legal reasons.. I could go I on and on but bottom line is all these things plus his weird sexual fantasies have sent me packing. I literally never experienced someone like this and had no idea what I had gotten myself into. The last time he texted me was the last straw. It was meant for someone else to hook up with him since we don’t live in the same city (thank god). What a creep. I’m running..fast.
Well, I am no longer married to a narcissist. And currently dating is the last thing in my mind. I am enjoying getting to know and love myself, and not put anyone’s needs above mine. And to grow and find out what I like as I spent the last 25 years doing what the narcissist liked. And interestingly enough I now realize that I grew up in a controlling environment, and it was no great step to fall into a relationship with a narcissist, but as I look back there were many warning signs–which I chose to ignore and thought I could overcome if I just tried harder. . . . and, of course, I never could overcome any of them because they weren’t my problem. Now it feels so good to “withdraw” into my own life and not try to control the octupus; what a relief. Just must have a few more interactions to complete the property division. I’m doing well, butI’m still going to see my counselor for awhile for support.
But a couple of more points to escape if–you don’t laugh together, you don’t have the same sense of humor. As Sav said, also if he blows up about little things and gives you the silent treatment. And never apologizes. And puts down entire classes of people. And if you ever think he’d make a good Hitler. And if you find yourself not sharing your feelings because you feel like he won’t care.
But now that we’re divorced I realize that as many acquaintances discover it, many of them will wonder why because “he’s such a charming guy.” “Yes, he can be very charming,” I say, “and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.”
I can really relate to Kathy’s comments where she talks about how her friends and outsiders thought the narcissist was so charming… “such a great guy!”. This is what has driven me crazy in my situation. He seems so normal to outsiders/co-workers and is well respected and well-liked. I feel so totally alone sometimes as all, since there is no one on my side to act as a witness to what happened. All I have to verify that it was actually him, and I was not going crazy, but it just the way he acts in intimate relationships are the fragments I learned about his trail of broken relationships. He is able to keep college/work friends, but all his relationships fail. This reflects the person he becomes in relationships who is deathly afraid of getting too close and will use all manner of hurtful sabotage/cruelty to avoid this. But those on the outer circle have no idea about the dark personality narcissists take on with their inner circle.
@WTF!:
Thank you for your kindness.
Sorry for the long answer to your question, but here we go:
After this confrontation, he justified and explained his behavior by saying that he was just really, really excited about me. He made me feel after I confronted him that I was overreacting and misread his intentions, and our night ended pleasantly.
He followed up with kind, sweet reassuring texts. A couple of days later, he made a grand gesture as his way to “apologize” without actually saying “I’m sorry” – he took me to a fancy, multicourse dinner at a romantic restaurant.
He then stopped the aforementioned offending behavior for a while. He started calling well in advance to plan dates and stopped calling me late at night and waking me up, so I thought he got the message.
This is the point when I started making excuses for his behavior. I told myself he was socially awkward and just “didn’t know how to date.”
My friends thought he was a nice, fun guy, as my N was textbook charming. I think out of love for me, they didn’t want to see me pre-maturely end something that could possibly turn into a good thing, and questioned if I was being too harsh. On its face, the things my N did were not over-the-top or psycho enough, so I can see why they tried to talk me out of ditching him and I don’t fault them for that.
And that is one thing that I DID do wrong. I sought out validation for how I was feeling to other people, instead of trusting my intuition and gut on my own and just going with it. To make a long story short, I am also a survivor of an N mother. So I have been programmed my whole life to doubt my intuition and my own feelings (she was the crazy-making type, lied all the time and denied what she did), hence why I put out feelers to my friends. This is also how my N was able to minimize my feelings and concerns when I confronted him. I also have serious issues with setting boundaries (since my mom never respected mine or my sister’s), which I am working on.
I admit, there was a part of me that was flattered to be showered with attention by a man that had above-average good looks, despite my mind and intuition saying there was something very, very unsettling about his behavior. This is a very superficial thing to say, but I’m confident I would not have given my N another chance if he was not model-pretty. While it is true that beautiful people get extra passes and privilege in this world, I mainly let this happen because of deep-rooted self esteem issues.
So, after my N altered his behavior and “became” more of what I desired, my N asked for exclusivity. Once I accepted and he knew “got” me, that’s when my path to hell was paved, and he slowly started to push through and disrespect other boundaries.
Thanks so much for your helpful information am divorced from a narcissist it was misery . He almost caused my death . Thank God I am fine now . He tried to make me crazy and had no remorse .THANKS again.
Excellent article savannah!
Great article Savannah, and so many excellent points to watch out for.
I think that learning to trust your own instincts is so important. Something that I found most valuable in my recovery was to keep a diary. One of the things I realised is that I wasn’t always completely honest, and sometimes fudged the truth if it made me looked better in my own eyes. The best thing I found, however, was to be brutally honest when I wrote in my diary. It was hard at first, but eventually I realised that by not sparing my own feelings, I was actually learning to trust myself explicitly. That was when I really learnt to trust my red flag warnings.
Interestingly, I had many of those warnings during my last, short but devastating, relationship. My first sign was when we talked online and he panned the camera around his bedroom to show me the walls full om photos that he’d pulled from the net. It made the hairs stand out on the back of my neck. I really should have known to pull out then. Alarming things would come into my mind even thought he seemed like the charming boy-next-door, such as ‘one day he’ll hurt me physically’. I had no idea where they were coming from as he showed no indication, but in hindsight I can see that the warnings came from the at-variance things he’d say.
Great behavious and tips, as I can see more clearly where these could have been more indicative of bad relationship choices on my part. Thank you, Savannah. 🙂
By the way, “walls full om photos” should have been “walls full of my photos”. Sorry about that! 🙂
Phenomenal post AND comments. @NarcRepellant, YES! Been there and you told the story so well; eerie, in fact, how similar. Savannah, wonderful summary. So many varied aspects of behavior that alone might be an eccentric blip, but in combination with other red flags scream narcissist — run! Hysterical about guy holding hands w both you and his mother while walking!!! So glad you’re blogging about this, hope you write a book.
Another great piece Savannah.
There is one thing that my ex N did that I’ve found many women will ignore. When I got a bad vibe about this behavior and told some of my healthy, normal female friends about it, they actually said I was overreacting.
I’m talking about the relentless chasing while simultaneously not respecting boundaries.
My N did not understand the concept of space when we met. He called me constantly, and even drunk dialed me a few times on work nights. I have a very demanding career where I need to be firing on all cylinders — I run a department in my media position and have a lot of responsibilities — so I need my sleep. After waking me up, I’d hang up on him and tell him the next day what he did and that he can’t do that to me. He would apologize, but say that this was just “something that he does” and told me to hang up on him when he does it — he never said he would stop doing it.
He would call me at the last minute to see if I was available instead of making plans in advance. I only caved in this situation once, but that just fueled his behavior.
He would tell me all the time he was thinking about me.
He called a mutual friend of ours to get the scoop about me, telling this friend over and over again how much he liked me.
He came over to my apartment and met a few of my friends. He kept telling them how much he adored me, and started future talking me in front of them. He started planning a road trip to San Francisco with me. We had been dating for a few weeks. One of my male friends who was present is a licensed therapist and told me the next day that that behavior was a huge red flag.
I told my friends that I thought my N was way too needy and clingy and that I was going to cut it off. How did my friends react?
They said I was overreacting, and that he was just “really, really into me.”
I realize now in hindsight that he was testing the waters already to see how much he could get away with and what I would tolerate.
He knew absolutely nothing about me. All he ever talked about was himself. There was nothing for him to be into!
I’m convinced that he held me in high regard because I’m a single woman with a “power” job and a title. I had an apartment downtown in a desirable, hipster neighborhood and lived alone. I’m the most educated and financially well-off woman he had ever dated. (Another weird thing about my N — he gravitated toward women who were, and there is no nice way to say this, but all of his exes before me were “ghetto.”) He elevated me (before he devalued me).
One night, he called and asked me what I was doing and if I wanted to meet him at a neighborhood bar. I agreed and used this opportunity to confront him.
My vibe was different when I arrived. He immediately knew something was wrong and panicked.
I told him that I’m very independent, and that he’s been calling too much, was becoming a disruption and that I needed my sleep and have my own space. I even said he was too clingy.
I told him that if he can’t respect my space, let’s just end this now.
He then did everything to assure me he was not a clinger. He became even more relentless in his pursuit, because I was now a challenge.
Well, we know how my story ends. Because I didn’t walk away when my gut told me to, I went on to waste two years of my life with this man.
Looking back on my time with him, the transcript of my relationship looks like this: Me saying “No, Jared,” and “Stop, Jared,” over and over and over again.
Ladies, if a friend is saying that a guy is too clingy, don’t minimize her feelings by saying that the guy must just really, really like her. Support her decision to leave him!
@Narc repellent its a really good story, thanks for sharing with us. And another great article. Really have to watch out these behaviours. Cant afford to waste my time for bad investment.
NarcRepellent – I relate to your comment very much and can ‘feel’ you sending out feelers to your friends to see if they agreed with your gut. Now that you know the end of your story and that your gut was right all along (Yay!!! That is a silver-lining and a huge bonus for you going forward), could you please elaborate on what sucked you back in. In no way do I mean to imply that you did anything wrong…. I simply want to learn more about the sublties that only in retrospect can we identify.