Most of us want to have the ‘typical’ family holiday. We want the tree, the presents, a delicious Christmas dinner and to be happy and surrounded by loved ones. We want the occasion to look like it does in the commercials and movies on TV, but quite often it doesn’t.
For many of us, the holidays mean being around people that we don’t necessarily like, or those who make us feel uncomfortable. That could include – your overbearing Narcissistic father, your hyper critical mother, your spiteful, passive-aggressive sister, or that Narcissist you thought you had gotten rid of ages ago.
Many of us have been on the road to healing for some time now, healing from childhood traumas and from our adult relationships. Most of us have gone no contact with our last abusive partner and we’ve distanced ourselves from the toxic people in our lives. Everything is going great, but along comes the holidays and this is when we are at our most vulnerable and when our resolve is severely tested.
Dealing with Your Narcissist over the Holidays
The most manipulative of Narcissists, view the holiday season as an opening, a way back into your life – even if you haven’t heard from them in months, years even. Because to them, it allows them the perfect excuse to make contact – while looking like a nice person in the process
“Hey it’s Dave, I’ve been thinking about you and I just wanted to call to wish you a Merry Christmas.”
Don’t get confused by this type of contact – it isn’t to spread merriment or good wishes – it has a calculated purpose and that is – to reel you back in again, disguised as holiday cheer. They know that you will be more apt to respond when you’re in the holiday spirit, when many people are contacting you to wish you well and they hope, that just maybe, you are feeling a little bit lonely. They know that the holidays bring out tinges of loneliness if you’re not with someone and their hope is to catch you in one of these vulnerable moments.
We always have to keep reminding ourselves in this journey, that these types of people do not care what their contacting us does to us. They don’t care about what they’ve done or said in the past. They don’t care how devastated we are, every time they raise our hopes, only to disappoint us over and over again. All they care about, is what they’re feeling right at this moment and right now they’re lonely, and they’re looking for anyone – A-N-Y-O-N-E that will answer their call. They don’t really care who answers it, although they may have a preference, but as long as their needs get met – that is all they concern themselves with. If you really think about it – if they strike out with you, or you ignore their attempt at contact, do you really think they will they will say, ‘ok she doesn’t want me I’ll just stay home, pine for her and not contact anyone else.’ That’s not how narcissists work. They will try and keep trying, until they find someone, who will give them what they need. So don’t waste your time feeling sorry for them – that’s what they want you to do. Fight the urge, delete and get back to making those cookies.
Narcissists know what works. They are masters of vulnerability – so your job here is to make sure that you hold your ground and don’t get confused. They aren’t just being nice and reaching out because they’ve been thinking about you. Even if they show up at your door with a crap load of presents and you feel justified taking said presents, because they owe you – don’t – just shut the door in their face. There’s nothing that they can give you that is more important than maintaining your dignity and no contact.
If you have children together, make sure that you have made your holiday plans well in advance, so there’s no confusion. There’s nothing a Narcissist loves more than ambiguity and wrecking other people’s plans, so make sure your plans are crystal clear.
Dealing with other Difficult or Toxic People During the Holidays
A friend contacted me last week, in a panic about what she was going to do about her parent’s Christmas dinner. She had just found out that her sister was going to be there and they have never had a good relationship. There has always been jealousy and animosity and even as recent as a month ago, her sister had been upset with her about something and sent her a card in the mail, calling her a list of foul names. Their relationship is seemingly unsalvageable and the two haven’t been in the same room together for many years. Her sister usually spends Christmas with her own family, but this year she was spending it with her parents. After a long chat, my friend came to the conclusion that she wasn’t going to go. And with that one decision, all of her anxiety was gone. She decided that she would spend Christmas Eve with her parents and Christmas day at her house with her children.
She made the decision to not go and for many people, that’s the right decision. It is after all, just one day and putting up with further abuse that will nullify all the hard work you’ve done, isn’t worth it.
For others, attending a function that will press your buttons may not be such a bad idea. If you’ve set your boundaries firmly in place and you’ve gotten good at teaching people how you expect to be treated, then standing up for yourself and showing people, who have previously put you down, that there is a new sheriff in town, would actually be a good thing.
All families have at least one bully and we know that the one thing a bully hates is when someone stands up to them. One of my brothers, the golden child, always took verbal jabs at me, every chance he got, throughout our whole lives. Our relationship today is very different from what it used to be and I can even pinpoint the day that it changed. It was about two and a half years ago and we were at a dinner party of a mutual friend. The friend asked me a question about my childhood. I answered her truthfully (my brother’s recollection of the past and mine are completely different) and my brother piped up and said, “Boo hoo, poor me. You’re always the victim.”
In the past, I probably would have put up a mild resistance, and felt ashamed, but after I had done the self-work and was feeling good about myself, I stood my ground and looked him straight in the eye and said firmly, “I don’t need your validation. You didn’t live my life. Your experiences were not my experiences, so you can keep your mouth closed and your opinions to yourself.”
He may have tried a few times after that, but every time he tried to bust my boundary, he was met with fierce resistance and I sometimes even pointed the finger right back at him. When they realize that you are no longer easy prey, they will give up rather quickly and move on to someone who is less of a challenge. In that moment I taught my brother and everyone else listening, that my reign as Miss People-Pleasing-Doormat was over.
In families there are systems and patterns of the way things have always been. When you are in the grips of change, you’re usually going to bump into some form of resistance and it won’t necessarily be an easy transition. Your changing means that others will have to change – it means that you’re rocking the boat and some people won’t be comfortable with that and they’ll push back, you just have to hold your ground and be emotionally prepared for opposition.
Remember, as the holiday approaches, that you are not obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or hinders your progress. You always have options. You can:
- Choose to not attend
- Just make an appearance – say hello, drop off the presents, make the rounds, have a cream puff and leave
- Stand up to all the bullies in your family and show them how it’s going to be from now on
- Ignore the verbal jabs
- Contact those you have an issue with days before hand and try to settle your differences before the holidays
- Make holiday plans with those you want to see, for an alternate day, like Christmas Eve or Boxing Day
You do what feels right to you and remember the only obligation you have is to yourself and your well-being. If you do decide to go, remember that the more you stick up for yourself, the easier it will become and the less often you’ll have to do it.
The gift I would like you all to give to yourselves this year, is the gift of separation and freedom from what other people think of you. You know you’re on the right path when you realize that these things that were once so hurtful and emotionally charged, now no longer have any effect or power over you and when someone throws a verbal jab, it slides right off of you and your first reaction is to laugh at them, or feel pity.
To all my wonderful readers – I’d like to wish you all the Merriest of Christmases and to thank you for all your support and for allowing me to walk with you, on this incredible journey.
Happy Holidays from the Esteemology Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Savanah, I’m so glad I found you. Every one of your articles hits home with me. I realized too late that the boyfriend I’ve had on and off for 5 years is a narcissist like my father. I thought he was the love of my life. so much pain but I always miss him after a couple of months of separation. It’s an addiction I don’t know how to stop. I’m so lonely.
Putting my ex’s needs ahead of my own was a big part of what hurt me so much in that relationship; narcs leech off considerate and generous people without a thought and of course without any remorse (they’re subhuman in a way because they can’t have normal feelings). And I know full well where my over-generous behaviors started: in the old family home. So when I visited the parents this holiday season I was on high alert for the classic codependent behaviors I seem to fall into with them: peacemaking, fixing, shutting down, the whole holiday package. Only this year I did much better. I still can’t really be who I am with them, but I was more present and more able to speak up about what I wanted to do and (most importantly) didn’t want to do. And on the topics we can discuss safely (i.e., completely non-political topics) I was able to chime in more than in the past. Best of all, as I felt the relief and sheer joy building when it was time to leave them, I did not feel guilty. In the past I felt bad being happy to leave, feeling “what kind of a son am I that I want to go away from my parents?” Well not this year. I did my duty, showed them as much love as I could, and then let myself feel the joy of being able to return to my own life, in a place I love, with people I have chosen and who I love, to live according to my values and my beliefs. The depths of pain and suffering I felt with my narc really pushed me to attack the deep shame I had carried for many years. Now I am enjoying the benefits of all that hard work. As I think of her, caught up in the endless cycle of obtaining and discarding narcissistic supply, living a “life” devoid of any meaning or deep feelings of any kind, I feel pity. And also gratitude: the suffering she caused pushed me through some deep barriers in myself. That was an unintentional gift from a person who cannot value real gifts. Maybe a bit of a miracle in a way. Or at least some damn funky karma.
@Cowboy — I fully agree with your statement:
“the suffering she caused pushed me through some deep barriers in myself. That was an unintentional gift from a person who cannot value real gifts. Maybe a bit of a miracle in a way”
I don’t think it’s funky karma. It’s an extremely positive way to look at it.
After I left my Narc, I beat myself up for a while. Asking myself why I put up with it, gave so much of myself and material things away, why I ignored all the red flags and my gut feelings about him. Even now, I admit, I wonder on occasion how much better my life would be had I not dated him, what those years that I cannot get back would look like. But now, I’m glad it happened. I call deciding to be with him my “Sliding Doors” moment. (If you have not seen this Gwyneth Paltrow movie, you should check it out).
Had I not been with my Narc, I would not have had the breakthrough at this stage of my life – while I’m still young enough — that I am a co-dependent because of what happened to me at home. Being with him was like the universe was shaking me awake, and forced me to face and accept the ghosts of my childhood, what had happened to me (my mother is a Narc and many members of my family are her enablers) and to finally break the cycle. I’m positive that had I not met my Narc when I did, I very well could have met a man now or much later in life that is worse than him, and when I have more to lose. I’m also positive that today, I’d still be going through life in a fog versus having the clarity that I do now, and that I also would not have stumbled across this blog (which has helped me immensely, and I seemed to find it right when I needed it).
Walking away from it all and looking back, I’m happy that I was able to break the cycle at age 35, unmarried and without any children – versus having this epiphany at 45 with children in tow. This is my sister’s situation. She is older than me, is married and has a son. She had her awakening recently and realized that she married the wrong person – a man who has similar traits as our mother — but she feels it is too late and that she is stuck.
I cannot get those years back that my Narc took from me, but it is not a complete waste. I now have the rest of my life to be happy, free from the baggage that bogged me down for years.
Well… so we survived!!! It indeed was just one day out of 365. It really helped to have a good plan way ahead of time and sticking to it.
Just like predicted, my Narc came with: “hey, it’s Christmas and I still love you though I acted like a jerk, sorry!” but it was nice to not fall into the trap of “Peace and Love to Everyone on Earth!” Yeah, maybe everyone else but not the Narc. Thank you!
My Narc is on a sulking rage now! I do worry that he doesn’t talk to anyone, that he is depressed and not getting professional help but who am I to convince him that he should. 9 months of separation is he still doesn’t get it. He still thinks that one Christmas, one “I still love you!” and I will rush to his rescue. Sick kind of love!
Wow, after a Christmas day with a bit more time with the narcissistic father of my daughter than I preferred, this morning I read the myth “Bluebeard.” Wow. For eons naive women have been falling for narcissists and predators. I see this blog as we collective women helping each other escape–and warning our sisters and daughters. And escape is the word; avoid and escape. So totaly my situation (especially with spending some time on Christmas Day with the family) that he is telling me and everyone else how he has changed; he has had anger management and he has changed. That is true, but boldly and cautionsly exploring his thought process yesterday, he still is looking for me to fill his needs. I have sworn no contact so many times, but now I swear it until my daughter’s graduation party in June. For me, this time. For my very own protection. Because he is a smooth talker and is trying to convince everyone that he no longer is the wolf as in “But, Granny, what great huge teeth you have!” And I don’t even have to convince him or anyone else; I know in my gut that he still has great huge teeth. And I am acting on what I know.
I just got discarded for the second time – right before Christmas and gosh darn i need to vent.
Here is my gift for all suffering like I am at this supposed to be joyous time of year. I am a poet so I have to use my one talent. 🙂
The narcissist Christmas song
(since we all have at least one of these in our lives.)
It goes like this:
me me meme mee me me me meeee
Deck the halls and feed my ego
don’t you think I’m grander than the
Christmas tree?
Piss me off and I shall turn off
can’t you see I’m better than humanity?
If you don’t will be your folly
it’s simple to discard you, you unworthy thee
You are nothing
but a cretin
I’m the best
in this vest?
Worship MEEEE.
Why oh why do I feel so empty?
Perhaps you’ll be the one to fall for me?
(hi there beautiful (he snickers inside)
where’s my presents?)
me me meme me me meme meeeeee
me me meme mee me me me meeeeeeee
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all. I wish you a no contact year.
I am on my fourth week and actually developing a sense of humour. 🙂
Love It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@kristabelle — I think this is the best comment I have seen on this site. Ever. Hope you’re hanging in there!
To my Narcissist.
Merry fucking Christmas.
I knew you’d pull the rug out. I Just wasn’t prepared for the fallout. You tried unsuccessfully to woo me back. Remember? I was the best mother, the best wife the best at everything until you deemed me NOT.
Especially since I left you. Got a PPO, had to take our baby into a shelter because you threatened to burn the house down, take our baby, leave me with nothing.
A few happy, seemingly easy years.
Then I married you. After you promised that you’d take good care of me in sickness and health. You took great care in taking “me” away. (and I let you) Putting me down. Making me jump through endless hoops, just to make them higher, longer, farther. Unattainable.
Sicko that I was, I let myself become your rubber band. I let you turn me upside down and inside out. Shit, I thought I was crazy.
But when you wanted to abort our daughter for only having one kidney. Diagnosed in-utero at 5 months gestation, and referring to her as a “retard”; I knew you were not my soul mate. For you have no soul. You are empty and void. Something, not someone.
Our daughter turned out perfect in every way. And she’s beautiful. As beautiful as I knew her to be in my womb at conception. For I felt her then. Which is why I fought so hard to keep her. But you forget that. And after things were safe for a while – you blamed me for her missing kidney.
Today, I asked if I could have a few extra hours with our daughter on Boxing day…
And you took away my Christmas with our baby. So I rearranged our plans to make it better on Christmas eve.
Thank goodness for my land-lords who are now my family. For you my sicko lover, I left my family in my home country. And I am forever here in your country till my daughter no longer needs me. Which, I have come to understand as a mother, might be a very long time.
I am sick that I still have to bend to your will. I must because we have a daughter and she is the person I want least affected by our separation.
So, you go ahead and explain to her why Christmas plans have changed today. I know you’ll blame me. But I doubt she’ll believe it.
I won’t ever say a bad word against you.
Our daughter is four and she’s already smarter than both of us. She’ll know you eventually.
And you are dead inside. You have no soul. You can try to get me back by being devious. But you will fail.
Fucker! I am getting stronger every day. And I know that pisses you off. And I know that I have a target on my back and front. But At least I’m aware of it. Take your best shot. And you shall bleed. Not I.
Bring it bastard! I can bend and rebound, you taught me that. I won’t surrender again. You pathetic POS. You are already in misery. I’m choosing not to care. You have opened my eyes and taught me what not to want.
So thank you my Narcissistic bastard.
You said I deserve lumps of coal this Christmas for false accusations and defamation. You should consider then the fact that I have proof of marital rape and harassment and abuse. The fact I didn’t want it to go to court is the only reason your sorry ass is still free. Not to mention the ten thousand dollars you stole from my family when you had your affair!
NarcRepellant and Cactus – your comments are helpful. LoveN – if he comes back, you are changing the current grief that WILL end for constant fear that he will leave again. Liberate yourself. It is hard. Take your time. You loved hard. It’s ok but take time to heal and love thyself before letting the next one in. Good luck
Thank you, Savannah for all your concise advice. Finding your blog has been a godsend. I was struggling terribly from the aftermath of being married 24 yrs to a hard core mean as heck ‘smartest guy in the room’ narc and then getting involved with the most masterful of ‘handsomest guy in town’ somatic narcs when I came upon your blog several months ago. (Yes, these guys come in all ages—‘somatic’ was 54–handsome and fit as a movie star half his age).
My somatic’s tried to contact me several times since I finally got him out of my home and life 3 1/2 yrs ago. I’ve learned the hard way I must maintain no contact or I will go spiraling into despair.
This season, I am wondering if he will try to use the holidays as a manipulative ‘excuse’ (as you skillfully describe) like he did last yr. Nonetheless, NO CONTACT will be in force.
The man I thought was the ‘man of my dreams’ (I failed to mention his incredibly sexy voice and accent) was my worst nightmare. When my mind wanders to the ‘wonderful’, I quickly bring it back to the reality of just how devious and deceitful he was–and the searing pain he delivered. His list of pros and cons is very heavily weighted to the con side. I highly recommend everyone to draw up their own list to refer to in moments of weakness.
Being alone on holidays (and every other day) is FAR BETTER than being with a narcissistic unrepentant, remorseless parasite.
At this time I have two men who have expressed interest in dating me. I am still too shell shocked and timid (mistrusting and skeptical) to even give them a chance. One of these days, I hope and pray, I will be able to move into love and light.
Peace to all~~
I am just heartbroken reading LoveN. There is no magic wand! But there’s life! This, too, shall pass! For sure!
Have a great time Everyone! Enjoy the Season! Relax! If other can do it, I can too!
What gets me through this Xmas is a thought that next year, I will be a queen of my own house and my own life! And this Christmas??? It’s just one day!
I am not sure if my boyfriend or better say ex boyfriend is a narcissist. But there many aspects in our relationship shows that I was most probably dealing with a narc. It has 3 weeks ago that he left and he has done this before many many times over the past 2 years that we have been together. But each time he broke up with me out of nothing he would come back immidietely and call and send texts ad mails, leaving voice messeges pleading , begging and crying. I always accepted him back because I am hoplessley in love with him. But this time for the first time he broke up and it has been 3 weeks. During this time he made contact twice and each time he is saying that the relationship is over and he wont come back this time. To me this is rare and difficult to accept or understand it. Beacause he has made me to believe that even if he leaves , he will always come back. I have to admit that I have been in a hell for 3 weeks. I can hardy do my everyday tasks and i feel abondand and lost. All I do is to cry out loud every single day, its the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am so much in love with this man and he has the heart to paly with me all the time. The thing is he never stops telling me how much he loves me and want us to have a future together. But this time all he says is that he is finished with this and he loves me but he cant continue this toxic relationshio (that actually he has created). I dont know its so difficult to think rational my emotions are so overwelaming and I know if he comes back I will again accept him with open armes. Hoping that this time he wont go and we will find the balance in our love and commitment. I guess i am fooling myself, but this love in my heart do not allow me to do anything else than stting and crying and praying for him to come back to me. I wished I had a magic wond to undo this. In the middle of christmas times coming close. I have to move from the house that i have been leaving because of the poor finaces. And i need to move out by the end of desember, I need to do the packing and sorting things. But all i do is to whereever I go or at home act like a lost person who can not find the direction. And he left me in the middle of this. I cant describe how lonely i am in this situation and the last thing I needed was him to leave. I guess I am at the first stage of this getting to know that i have been dealing with a narc. But all this takes time and i am not in the position of having a heartbreak on top of everything else 🙁
@LoveN — Yes, your ex-boyfriend is a narcissist. And you must have instinctively known it too, since it led to you this site.
Hang in there. Right now this is the worst part. But time will ease the hurt. All of us on this site have been where you are at. You can do it.
@LoveN
Please read up on love addiction. It will truly help you to see what this is all about and how you can help yourself. Especially learning about going through the withdrawal, which is what you are currently experiencing. It’s painful as sh*t, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. And seek out your divine spirit; ask for guidance and healing. You can do this!!
Great reminder–thanks! Happy Holidays to all.
Perfect message at a perfect time! Thanks!
Great article! “You know you’re on the right path when you realize that these things that were once so hurtful and emotionally charged, now no longer have any effect or power over you,” and I’m on that right path. And it’s so much better.
I really needed to read this today, Savannah. My boundaries have become slightly rubbery of late, and after some weeks of low-level depression I realised that I’ve been a bit lax in standing up for myself and my own needs recently. That lifted the depression but I’ve now been worrying about the phone calls I’m going to get on Christmas day. You’ve just helped me to solve my problem…contact those I want to keep in touch with before to wish them season’s greetings, and not answer the phone on the day itself. Sorted!
I’d forgot that I’m in control of my own life (and celebrations) and I’m not obliged to be here for those who just want me as an audience instead of a reciprocal conversation.
Thank you and a very happy Christmas to you Savannah, and to all your other readers too. Onwards and upwards! 🙂
Excellent advice as to how to navigate this holiday season!
This year was the first time that I decided to opt out of attending a family holiday function that is hosted by my aunt, who is my nearest relative here. She has a history of verbally abusing me and bullying me in front of the whole family (she’s a narcissist like my mother, but much more cunning and sophisticated). Every year, I got anxiety about going to her house, always left hurt, upset and ashamed. But every year, I went over there because I thought it was better than being alone on a major holiday. I was so scared of being alone and feeling like a loser that I put myself of emotional harm’s way to avoid it.
This year, the year that I left my Narc boyfriend, when my sister called me inviting me to go to my aunt’s for Thanksgiving, I declined and spent the day of alone. I made plans to see my sister and brother the following day.
I spent Thanksgiving day in the sun at an empty beach, on the phone chatting with other relatives and dear friends, and catching up on my Netflix binging and blog reading. The number of friends who had called me and wished me well reminded me that I really was not alone, and that I do have people in my life that truly love me, and treat me better than my mother and aunt do.
Opting out was the one of the most liberating things I had done for myself. It’s just one day. So I was home alone. So what? I got a day off from work to myself, had some me time, and got to watch TV and drink wine and not have to deal with my aunt’s B.S. The next morning, I went to a festival with my family – minus my aunt – and had an amazing day.
If you decide to opt out of seeing a family member over the holidays and will be alone, don’t be afraid of the idea. It’s really not nearly as bad as you would think.