Detachment is the process of letting go. It’s when we start to see things from a different perspective. When the fears and emotions that have paralyzed us, no longer have the same power and when we start to see things the way they really are and not the way we wish them to be.
If you’ve been involved with a Narcissist, you have likely been doubting what your senses have been telling you. You have invested so much and to walk away without a return on your investment seems unfathomable.
Our egos have an especially hard time processing the fact, that after everything we’ve said and done, all the hoops we’ve jumped through, all the sacrifices and all of the bad behavior that we have tolerated and still, we can’t get this person to love us and give us the relationship that we want.
It’s a lot simpler to accept the idea that there is something wrong with us, than to accept the idea that there are actually people out there that are incapable of love and intimacy.
I recently found out that a colleague of mine was colour blind. He cannot distinguish reds and greens. He went through his entire life believing that this is the way that the rest of us perceived the same environment.
One of my favourite pastimes is to hike through nature and I couldn’t image not being able to experience the rich emeralds of the forest, or the vibrant reds of the maple trees in the fall. His reality is outside of my awareness. Just because I can’t perceive what he perceives, does not change his reality.
It’s very difficult for us to comprehend that there are people out there that are ‘emotionally blind,’ that they do not have the same colours on their emotional pallet that the rest of us do, especially when we’ve been romantically involved with them and we have witnessed some tender moments.
My colour blind friend sees oranges instead of reds and your Narcissist feels something – but it’s not love, not the way you know it.
Once you can accept this – that your Narcissist will never truly love you, you have taken the first step on your way to letting go.
Stages of Detatchment
Stage One
The first stage of detachment begins when you stop taking the blame for everything in your relationship and you start to realize that there is something wrong with the man that you’re involved with. It’s starting to dawn on you that your Narcissist will never be able to give you the relationship that you deserve. It doesn’t mean that you have stopped caring, but it means that the rose coloured glasses have come off and reality is starting to set in.
Stage Two
Stage two is ushered in when you notice that the hope you once felt and your desire to please, has been replace with anger and resentment. You still have feelings for your mate at this point, but you’re not so naïve anymore.
You will know that you are in stage two when:
- The lies you once wanted to hear, no longer have any effect on you.
- You stop responding to the manipulation tactics.
- You start to believe that you are deserving of better treatment.
- You start to fight back and there is a lot of conflict in your relationship.
- You start to feel better about yourself.
Stage Three
The third stage of detachment is all about you. You’ve been doing a lot of thinking and getting advice from your support group. You’ve started to feel stronger emotionally and you’re thinking about your needs and wants and what your life would be like sans Narcissist.
You know you’re in stage three when:
- The mere sight of your Narcissist turns your stomach.
- You realize that the love and obsession you once felt are gone.
- When he even remotely steps out of line you either don’t care or you go ballistic.
- You’ve started engaging in activities outside of the relationship. You’re spending more time with your friends, You’ve joined a yoga class or a gym.
- Every decision you make is in your best interest and you almost never consider your mates preferences.
- If you live together you’re starting to get your ducks in a row and you’re making preparations to end your relationship.
Stage Four
Stage four is simply ending the relationship. Your focus is entirely on you. You’ve physically moved away from your Narcissist, you’ve cut all contact and you feel really good about your decision. You realize in time you will forgive him and yourself, but right now, you want nothing to do with him.
The Process
Getting from stage one to four doesn’t happen overnight. Some people remain stuck in one stage or the other. There is a process that can help you move through the stages and its one I’ve used with great effectiveness:
- Once you start thinking along the lines of letting go – keep thinking those thoughts. What you feed grows, so keep feeding your self-esteem. Keep reminding yourself of how unhappy and how unfulfilled you have been in this relationship and of all the reasons why you should end it.
- Get out a paper and a pen and start writing down all of the things that you want to have, be and accomplish in your life. Write down the qualities you would like to have in a man and compare your list to your present reality. Get in the habit of putting yourself first and thinking about your goals and dreams.
- Take stock. Own your part in the relationship. While it is true that Narcissists are cunning and manipulative, understand that you have a share in the responsibility for what happened. You allowed it to happen and continue, when you should have walked long ago. Spend the necessary time in thought to truly get to the bottom of why you stayed, because if you don’t, you are bound to repeat the same mistake again.
- Start reading empowering and inspirational books that motivate you and give you strength.
- Listen to empowering music – Beyonce’s Irreplaceable and Best Thing I Never Had did the trick for me.
- Spend time with your girlfriends or family members that love and support you.
- Write a letter to your Narcissist and express all your anger, pain, frustration and anguish – get it all out – but don’t give it to him. It may sound dumb, but trust me it’s very therapeutic.
- Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Many people will tell you to distract yourself, but to truly heal, you must sit there with your pain and your fear and get comfortable with them. Mastery comes when you sit toe to toe with what hurts you the most and what you are most afraid of and you recognize that you are stronger than your pain and stronger than your fear.
“No one ever tells us to stop running away from fear. We are rarely told to move closer, to just be there, to become familiar with fear. The advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves but by all means make it go away.” Pema Chodron author of When Things Fall Apart
The salient point here is that when you gain mastery over your pain and your fear you will find that part of you that is indestructible.
- Once you do this the fear and pain will pass through you in time. This is why I talk about getting comfortable with it, because if you repress it, try to escape from it, or you distract yourself from it, it will remain stuck inside of you, you won’t heal properly and you will find it manifesting elsewhere in your life.
- As your healing progresses, understand that you will have bad days. We all have that inner voice that always wants to lead us back to hurt. As I discussed in my blog, Self-Esteem: It Really Is A Choice, you are not that voice. You are the observer of that voice, but you can control it. If you find doubt creeping in or you feel yourself weakening, stop those thoughts immediately. It’s a lot easier to stop a thought at the beginning, than it is to stop it once it’s taken us to a painful place. Don’t allow doubt to creep in – stop it before it starts.
What to Expect When Ending Your Involvement with a Narcissist
If you are the one to end the relationship, you may at first see some upset in your Narcissist. They may seem emotional, needy and clingy. They may say and do exactly what they think you want hear. Don’t be fooled by this. These men are accomplished actors, at this point you have heard it all before and you have watched all of their promises go unfulfilled. They may seem hurt, but they are not hurting for you. Losing a major source of Narcissistic supply is a very stressful experience for a Narcissist. That’s all it is. Don’t fall for their crocodile tears.
If you both live in your house, give him a firm date on when he is expected to move out. Cohabitating with a Narcissist, you are trying to free yourself from, is like a recovering alcoholic moving into a bar. Don’t do it – it won’t work. Give him a date and if that date comes and goes and he’s still there, get the police involved and have him forcibly removed. You may be thinking, that’s so harsh I don’t want to do that – trust me you have probably threatened to kick him out so many times, he has stopped taking you seriously. Police are serious – he’ll get the message.
A Narcissist needs followers and the attention they bring, so you can expect to be bad mouthed and in the retelling to anyone that will listen, expect that he will spin it, so the story parleys you as the evil doer and our poor Narcissist as the victim.
Narcissists are vengeful creatures, so any way big or small that they can stick it to you, they will. Do not expect benevolence or understanding – Narcissists are incapable of this. Your leaving will cause Narcissistic Injury, so expect a tidal wave of negativity and drama to come your way. Hold your ground, ignore it and just ride the waves.
If you have made it clear that you are done, don’t expect him to be pining over you. When he has acquired a new target, expect that you will be dropped like a hot potato – don’t take it to heart – that’s the nature of the beast.
Don’t engage in the drama, become the ice queen – show no emotion, even if you’re dying inside. Show nothing. Let them know under no uncertain terms that it’s over – the supply has run out.
Hold firm to your decision and don’t respond to all the mudslinging and character assassination. All they want from you is some kind of reaction, good or bad – give them nothing. They will probably try to initiate contact at some point, it could be weeks, months even years – no contact is the only way to end a relationship, that never seems to end – remember once you have shut the door keep it firmly shut – and embrace a newer, healthier, Narcissist free chapter in your life.
Your comments!!!!
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As I’m typing this, I realize that I’m taking my first big step. I am putting in print, a matter of factly, what I have been living for the last eighteen years; I am married to a narcissist. This article is like the many others I have read, and I find it be very accurate. The hamster wheel has been a turning for a long time in my marriage (with two children). I knew one day that it was going to slowly come to an end if things did not change. I’ve prayed and I’ve given in so many times to the emotional abuse/gaslighting… hoping he would change but to no avail. I’m still on the wheel. According to my dear husband, it remains to be me who is the problem. But, I’m choosing (or attempting) to find some closure so that he and I can be respectful-enough so that we can raise our children (ages 10 and 13) but allow him to find his supply somewhere else. We are again at the stage where I feel that our relationship could go either way…we could make a split or we could continue on the wheel-of-drama.
The words in this article are very helpful. The fact that I am typing this response is evidence enough for me to know that I need to get-on with my closure to this relationship. My faith in God and the sacrament of marriage have been the guiding light for me to put for the effort thus far. I am so thankful for all those via books or the internet who have shared their knowledge of what/who a narcissist is. Until about five years (maybe more), I was not aware of what are narcissist was (of course, I heard the term but could not define if). I have read so much and listened to many videos via the internet. Without this knowledge, I would not know that I am deeling with someone who is not going to change. Even after all these years, my brain wants to tell me it’s just another bump in the road and it will get better. However, I know deep in my heart that it will continue but it won’t get better. For now, my big step in moving forward in disconnecting from my husband is by hitting the “leave a comment” below. Sadly to say, this is a huge step for me. My prayers are to all those who have left comments on this feed and for the author of this article. God bless.
Thank you so much for taking this step. I am suffering too, and have seen the signs for awhile now but we have only been together for just under 2 years. I appreciate seeing this – seeing how long you have suffered and hope that WE BOTH are strong enough to pull away. <3
No one can be a narcissist, there are narcissistic traits and women can display narcissistic traits. This is like saying that person is masculine or that woman is Feminine, we possess both traits, I like the part in this article that talks about owning our part in allowing this mistreatment to happen. Only when we look within can we see the external projections that have allowed us to be abused.
I think it is unfair and biased that this and many other articles I have found online pretain to the men as being Narcissistic. I am a man who was in a relationship with a cluster B type personality woman, and she was extremely manipulative, you should be wary of how you shape and express your opinion for you may be doing more harm then good;enabling narcs to behave as they do under the guise of being the one in a abusive relationship and not the other way around. Take for example the excerpt about narc behavior after a break up:A Narcissist needs followers and the attention they bring, so you can expect to be bad mouthed and in the retelling to anyone that will listen, expect that he will spin it, so the story parleys you as the evil doer and our poor Narcissist as the victim.
I came to your page looking for help and I certainly found it, this is an amazing article that has helped me come to terms with my situation and I beleige I am better for having found it. I guess I just wanted to express some caution as well.
It took me 2 years but I finally have walked away for good from my narcissist boyfriend. I told him goodbye, that I am stress free without him. He said OK I will not contact you anymore. Good luck and Goodbye. That was it. He lives right behind me. He did all the things I read about a narcissist. Talks badly about me behind my back. Can guarantee now his friends are hearing a mouthful about me. But you know what I don’t care anymore I suffered abuse from him for 2 years, I always was at fault for everything, even his family doesn’t talk to him. He never took any responsibility for his actions, everyone was is a moron to him, he is the best at everything in his eyes, he thinks all women are cunts. I am so glad to be away from him.
After 1.5 years in the relationship, I walked away. It’s been 7 weeks now of no contact; I blocked him from my emails, texting and phone calls. At least 3 times a week I write about my feelings and progress in my journal.
As most of you know, it is not easy walking away when your heart is so heavy. But there comes a time whereby reality really stings.
I have been in relationship for 6 and half years . I am stuck in stage 3 as im so afraid of the pain i will get once I ask him leave as i feel so in love with him still. I know to save myself i must het to stage 4. your infirmation has truly made me realise how this all works and what lies ahead as it is 100% accurate how i know he will respond. i am afraid in case i regret my decision a week ir so down the line and have no way of reversing it.. how. sad am i ….
Dear June,
Do you have friends or family who are clear about your situation?
Please watch youtube videos on “narcissistic abuse recovery” and motivational videos by Matthew Hussey, Mel Robbins, and Fearless Soul to help you find your strength.
We can do this together.
You fear a state you are already in. You are already alone. That hollow feeling you have is God telling you to walk away before they either discard you or cheat in your face and that will make it even harder to get over them. Leave them before they leave you. it helps a lot with healing. And you are not in love. You are trauma bonded. You can’t love something that hates you. If I did it, you can too. You need your life back. You need your happiness back. It’s beautiful. Invest in yourself.
I relate so much to all of your stories! I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for almost 6 years. In the beginning he totally swept me off my feet. He is older than I am and was seemingly very confident, assertive, and financially successful (although I found out later his money came from illegal activity, i.e. selling drugs). He was in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce with his wife of 25 years and mother of his 3 adult children. He referred to her as “the devil” or “Satan” and everything that went wrong with their marriage was her fault. I should have recognized that as a red flag right away but he was so charming and attentive I believed him. I have 3 young boys from my 14 year marriage and get along well with their father so I had no experience with that kind of hatred and disdain for a former spouse. But subconsciously I must have known something wasn’t right because I NEVER allowed him to have any kind of relationship with my children. As a single mother I was struggling financially and in the beginning he would always offer to help but I refused. But he was so persistent and said I was “robbing him of his blessing” by not allowing him to help pay for things until finally I relented. Little did I know that his “help” was just a tactic he employed so he could manipulate and control me. As soon as I let him start paying he would throw it up in my face anytime I had an issue with ANYTHING he said or did. How dare I criticize his behavior “after everything I’ve done for you”?? He would buy me things or pay for things I never even asked for in order to gain leverage over me. If I did the slightest thing he didn’t like, he would fly into a rage and become verbally abusive, and then punish me with the silent treatment for days on end until I came crawling back apologizing. He would withhold sex and attention and then berate me for being “too needy” and “too sensitive” when I tried to talk to him about it. This cycle repeated over and over until he had me brainwashed into thinking I was the one with the problem! I found myself going to ridiculous lengths trying to please him with little success. I was constantly walking on eggshells trying to avoid a fight yet the more I subjugated myself to him the worse he treated me. Until finally about a year ago I approached him very calmly in an attempt to work out our issues and he lost his shit and told me he was DONE. He refused to even speak to me for 2 weeks and 4 days after our fight he had sex with my best friend. I had no idea until another friend contacted me and told me he had heard rumors that there was something going on between them. I didn’t believe it at first and when I asked him about it he lied, lied, LIED! But eventually I found proof on his phone that it was all true and he had no choice but to admit it. But he swore it was a terrible mistake and only made him realize how much he truly loved me and like a fool I took him back. But things were never the same after that. As heartbroken as I was I finally realized that HE was the problem, not me. And that was what finally gave me the strength to see him for who he really was and begin to detach from him emotionally. As much as I loved him I hated him just as much if not more. I lost all respect for him and knew with certainty that anyone who could do what he did couldn’t possibly love me. It has taken me a year to fully distance myself from him but now I’m 100% committed to removing him from my life for good. I’ve been no contact with him for 2 weeks now and haven’t been tempted in the slightest to allow him back into my life. He has tried to contact me multiple times but I won’t respond. He is toxic and no good for me and even though I could snap my fingers and have him back I have no desire to do so. This is the only way to break free of a narcissist’s hold on you. Good luck to all of you who are struggling and keep fighting the good fight because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Wow, I feel so empowered reading this article and everyone’s comments!
As great as I feel right now at work I know I will only give in to his all-day silent treatment from a fight this morning once I am home again tonight.
I am taking steps, baby steps but still steps. This is a vicious hell-of-a cycle to get lost in and sometimes I feel so emotionally exhausted and depressed without his love I’d rather stay in the relationship and lose my soul and have my emotions dismissed. I hate how he has changed me into this anxiety-filled, stressed, extremely emotional (always crying) person who I NEVER was. I’ve lost myself but I know that I want me back, just have to be strong and do the damn thing (leave him).
Our relationship started with a first date of red flags-ha! you would think I ran away but nope, kept coming back to him over and over again. The first date he was oh-so charming, handsome, a gentleman with his life together and a good job. Me being 22 at the time and just graduated college/broke -that was hard to come by. He told me that day he was previously engaged…. he was also 23-mind you. and that the girl was ‘psycho’ not good….. he also was a total SLOB, I know that’s not really a NPD characteristic but it’s all the things I WASN’T looking for in a guy and ended up with him. HOW?
Things were insanely rocky to begin with. I was still in college-party time mode. But that’s OK- I realize that now. He made it seem like I didn’t have my shit together and was LOST without him. Not true. We ‘dated’ on and off but I distinctly remember explaining I did not want a boyfriend or anything serious. I just wanted something fun and was too young to be thinking serious stuff. He told me he was looking for marriage…. that scared me so I stayed away at first. BUT HE’S SOOO CHARMING he’s the perfect one for me, I will get over his small flaws- HA!, I would tell myself.
What really started it all was the day I went for brunch with friends and got way too drunk and begged him to come pick me up- all I remember is the yelling and screaming at me for making him drive (even though we were supposed to hangout anyway, I just couldn’t drive) OF COURSE, I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk but wow the pure ANGER. I lost it-cried and cried, screamed begged for him to forgive me and he drove so recklessly! Not caring what would happen. When I got home to the apartment I shared with my girl roommate I found her xanex pills and swallowed 8 of them. Did I want to die? Absolutely not. Did I want NPD man to love me and take care of me and forgive me? Yes. I did it for his attention, I was desperate. He had/has such a deep hold on my entire life it’s soul-shattering. I went to the hospital that day and they pumped my stomach. After that he babied me- just like I craved from him, he had me quit my job (it was a toxic place but still). After that night my roommate freaked and didn’t trust me. She broke our lease (I understand why) and I officially had no job-no best friend-and no where to live. WTF? All in a span of days. He will forever believe he SAVED me, from my partying-my recklessness-my drinking- all the and things I used to do, he fixed me, right?
Fast-Forward to now.
I’m 24, he is almost 25. It’s been about 2 years and I don’t want to get sucked into this for the rest of my life. He is ready for marriage and commitment and expects ME to start saving my money (because I still go out to eat with friends and do things on the weekends) to prove to him I am ready to move forward in the relationship! Mind you I have been 85% financially supporting him/us since OCTOBER 2018, almost a full year. He JUST got a job!!!! 3 weeks ago and immediately got a Crossfit membership for 120$ a month but still cant pay have the groceries?! Makes sense. I come home to being gas-lighted, manipulated and so so much more…what we are all going thru/have gone thru. We live together (since he ‘saved’ me) Luckily don’t pay rent but I pay all the bills. We have a dog, no kids thankfully. But she is my heart and soul and it will kill me to leave her (he adopted her so there’s no way to keep her).
How do I leave? I want to take these steps, go thru the processes but wow is it going to be the hardest thing I will ever do emotionally/mentally. I don’t want to pay the house bills for him so do I call and cancel? Isnt that too harsh? I am honestly not even ready, I keep building myself up-saying I am going to do it and I have SO many friends to support me but I just love him so much, he has me and my mind wrapped up so deeply with him that I feel lost, alone and sad when we fight/argue/silent treatments.
SO much more I want to say but I will start with this….
Good luck to us all.
He’s a narcissist to the fullest. But he is my narcissist. I’m the only one who cares about him, he says. The only one that’s been there for him. He has no where else to go,actually he does but just no where else he wants to go. He wants to be here, with me. He made promises of marriage, children. He had children already..4 of them at the time. Of course I fell in love with them and treated them like my own. And I have 1. One of the most hurtful things is that they were seeing us go back and forth. He was disloyal of course and that was the only consistent thing about him. And it was multiple women but it was always also one particular girl. Why her? And of course he sucked her in the way he did me. Now fast forward 2 years of back and forth between us, she gets pregnant of course. Oh how I prayed that it was someone else’s or she was lying. But nope, 9 months later here comes his 5th child which he had promised I would have for him. This should be the last straw that breaks the camels back right? Still I couldn’t let go.. but this time I had to understand that he had to talk to her and see her. But he promised it was only because of this child. So I need to stop acting crazy because nothing else is going on. Also, I can’t be upset because I, also, was involved with other men during our “breaks.” It’s been 6 years since I met this man. I’ve felt like I am at stage 3 but he always comes back and then I start over again. I keep telling myself that this time is the last time but it never is. He has made me weak. Every time he leaves, the hours in a day are long and I miss him terribly. And when I can finally go through my day without wanting to have a meltdown, here he comes to ruin my life all over again.
Trying to understand why my relationship of almost 4 years has been “Mr. Toads wild ride.”
Trying to make sense of the constant confusion.
Hot and cold.
The last 3 years “we” thought was “adjusting”. He tells me once we move, “things will be better”…once his new job settles down, “things will be better,” once his IRS issues and bankruptcy is resolved “things will be better.”
We need a vacation..”things will be better.”
“Your my soulmate”… “I want you in my life to the end”…”life got in our way”…”I can’t help it, it’s not my fault”
Wtf is going on???
A friend of mine who is close to both of us, made a comment that “his narrissitic demeanor” is going to make this difficult for you.
Wait, what? Narrisstic? Let me look this up…
OMG…are you kidding me???
It’s not his Aquarian zodiac sign that’s making him act like this? It’s not his ADHD complicating things? It’s not his chronic weed smoking that has changed him??
OMG…yup…this just in…yesterday.
Funny…I’m at stage 4 and had no idea what I was dealing with. He just left yesterday. Only with his clothes and toiletries for now.
My head is reeling with all of the memories..thanks face book..gotta love the daily reminders of previous pictures and posts of years of fantastic times! Happy, smiling, hugging, off the chart sex…just me and him.
The man swept me off my feet. Was quick in demanding a commitment. Although I wasn’t ready, I took a leap of faith. We still had separate homes so if it fell apart, no worries.
Joined at the hip. Always hanging out with my friends…wondered where his friends were. Over the years, realized he really didn’t have any. Only aquintences that were “friends of his ex’s”.
Pushed into cohabitation by the drama in his life with his ex-wife and grown son. They became homeless (literally overnight, so they say) and he is gracious enough to let them and 6 dogs into his home, which meant he needed to spend the weekend at my house.
This turned into 3 months. But he loved me and so grateful for my help. Flowers, cards, foot rubs, long weekends away. Well..maybe this isn’t so bad..maybe the universe had to give me a nudge to let my guard down.
The new house was his pick. Didn’t even ask me my opinion as he yanked the for rent sign up from the yard. He stood alone in the picture in front of our “new home” proudly holding the sign.
I cried for 3 days.
Reluctantly, packed up my very safe space with my then 7 year old daughter and made the leap.
Almost instantly, he changed.
Everything became a dispute.
The fighting ramped up and he blamed the landlord. She was a bitch who didn’t care about her house (to his defense, she was and that is another story)
His business fell apart. Doing dock work without the proper license or insurance.. the county figured it out.. shut him down. Of course this wasn’t his fault either.. the people in this business doing it the right way is at fault for turning him in.
The stories small and large go on and on and on…text book.
Only there are a few differences..
He is very sensitive. He shows sympathy, he wants to be better, he wants to change. I’ve seen him try..
Or is it all a game???
We spent our first night apart last night. I woke up missing him. Feeling guilty. Did I make a mistake? Should I ask him to come home? Maybe a night away will make him appreciate the life we have built together?
Text message from him as I’m laying in bed this morning contiplating this potential horrific mistake.
“I know I shouldnt ask you this. But there is no hot water in my office. Can I borrow $200 to buy a hot water heater or do you have a credit card I can use”?
I call him…does your boss know you have set up camp in the office? Is he ok with this? Why aren’t you staying with your brother? You are jeopardizing your job (of course his job has been in jeopardy from the beginning because, well you know, can’t follow the rules, has no boundaries, lies by ommision. Does things his way…and when he’s called out by his employer.. Joe is the asshole.) anyway…another bad decision because he is above consequences.
“Yes, he knows I’m here, I have a few weeks”. Me: “what are you going to do after that”? Him “IDk Lisa..if this is the route you want, I’ll figure this out a step at a time”
How guilty do I feel?? I’m surrounded by the comfort of the home WE built…maybe he should come back. But not as s couple, just till he can get it together.
Wtf are you thinking… he’s out, gone, left quietly..just what you wanted!!
My head knows the truth, my heart hasnt caught up yet.
I’m sure he is busy working on my replacement as I write this. He’s handsome, charming, funny, sincere.
Received a few messages during the course of this story that he’s sorry for the heart break… he’s sorry he hurt my daughter..
I look around at the home WE built again…maybe just maybe it will be different. We could have a great life together..
But then I reflect to the straw that broke my back. Just 4 nights ago the echo of his screaming at me telling me he’s “over it”, “leaving” the name calling “your ignorant” “your stupid” “you don’t need to know everything that happens in my life” haunts me.
I’m in love what could have been, not what the realty is.
The sight of him sickens me. The sound of his voice makes my skin crawl. I’m glad he is gone.
But maybe….
This article was so on point! Question: Is it possible to be in all the stages at once? The hardest part is not in the realization that you’re in love with the lie, but the “no contact” and the final door shutting, bridge burning. That’s the hardest part.
WOW!!! I feel like we were with the person, right down to the cronic weed smoking
oh my god yes and ADHD.. even the same guilt trip tactics OMG i feel freaked out and like im going mad reading these comments. Who is this man lying next to me in bed asleep right now? what is he? i am so freaked out. I am stuck in stage 3 and held by the fear of loss and pain as i feel such love fir him… what has he done to me ?, the trauma bonding has properly done a number on me… help … how do i let him go.?
Dear June,
Do you have friends or family who are clear about your situation?
Please watch youtube videos on “narcissistic abuse recovery” and motivational videos by Matthew Hussey, Mel Robbins, and Fearless Soul to help you find your strength.
We can do this together.
My female narcissist is charming and manipulative. She is never wrong and is full of lies. She takes and takes and never ever gives. She is more cunning than any male I’ve ever known. Over time I’ve come to realize she has no heart and she is cold as ice and is pure evil. She has no empathy and after three years of caring for her I told her I was leaving her. Her only comment was, “okay.” No remorse. No sadness. No I’m sorry. No I’ll miss you. I’m glad I left. I have a life. If you have a narcissist in you life. Don’t walk away. Run like hell and don’t look back. Because they don’t give a damn about you and never will.
My husband well soon to be ex was an Aquarian also and blamed a lot of his traits on everything else but him just being a jerk…..he was supposed to be aloof, mysterious, charming, and a great father. I guess only where it counts….facebook. I finally left a month after I had my second child and had some bumps in the road…but Im not going to look back. He isn’t sorry he hurt my oldest child and makes no moves to show it. He acts as if he doesn’t care at all. They don’t.
They only care how they look to other people. He tries to make me feel guilty but I don’t care. I know I made the right decision for myself and my children. I do my best not to fall into his traps and understand that his life is no longer my concern.
I met and fell for this narc at one of the lowest points in my life. He said all the things I wanted to hear at first.
He offered to go on trips out of town, invited me to his church service and often attended mine.
He insisted on meeting my family and friends.
But, he never introduced me to his friends or family.
After only a few months he began to tell me about all the women he could have had. This became sickening before long.
Once in my life he told me he had never told me he wanted to be with me the rest if his life.
He began to purposefully show up late for things I needed him for.
I didnt know about narcissistic behavior at that time. I just thought he was a bit strange.
Then, he wanted sex but no committment.
I’m grateful I didn’t give in to this request.
After all the roller coaster behavior which went on for 8 of the 12 months I dated him, I took my heart back, something he’d said I couldn’t do.
We were headed to dinner and he said something that really devalued me and turned me off. I insisted he take me home despite his begging and closed the door on him for good, in everyway.
I didn’t block his calls.
I just didn’t answer them. He came back to my door with flowers. I was on the phone with a friend and ignored his knocks.
I changed my wardrobe and ended things with the flying monkies that made excuses for him.
It may sound untrue but, I never missed him not once.
I give love and respect in every relationship I’ve ever had and decided after dumping him that I will never except less than I give from any relationship.
Ending things with him helped me end things with lots of toxic people who want love but doesn’t know how to love in return.
He may not be hurting for me. I hope he’s not because I’m definitly am not hurting for him.
I wish him the best and only pity him.
Maybe one day he
will meet someone like himself.
Wow I loved reading this, can so relate. You are strong and brave!
I hope that you didn’t respond to that – but maybe in your head and heart. I understand that, but instead of my feeling hopeful, as I did in the past, I start to have a panic attack at the thought of going back.
I left a 24 years marriage with a covert narc – or at least someone very high on the scale. It was, just, acceptable because I worked on the road and he basically ignored me for most of that – I was able to get my children raised, get them all through college – but the last 6 years have been hell.
My parents passed and he was of course, not that supportive, but when his parents passed, it was like the gates of hell opened here. He didn’t care when or where is lost it and humiliated me – In the house, in the yard, at a restaurant, at the store – it was like it was his right to call me any name, say any hurtful thing and then loudly blame me to his co-workers, family and our sons anywhere he desired. (That last part wasn’t new – just louder and more brutal) And of course it was always my fault.
It took several attempts to close my heart to him – and I have to remind myself that the person I loved so deeply was all fiction. We’re in the midst of the settlement now, which is why he goes from abusive to sweet sometimes in the same 24 hours – and sadly I can’t just completely no contact him, but we are getting closer and closer to that point and I will be heartbroken and relieved at the same time when that happens.
God bless and I really do hope you escaped.
Thank you! As I try to climb out of what seems like quicksand these articles have been amazing. It lets me know I’m not crazy. So Thank you!
I just recently found out that my husband is a narcissist, and now I am already at Stage 4 at this point and I have realized that nothing will ever change and all he thinks about is himself. I have been supporting him financially for over 13 years!!!!! We have a 13-year-old daughter, and as much as I want to end all communications, that will NEVER happen, because she deserves to have her father in her life. We have no other family in this country. If we did not have our child I would have walked out a long time ago, so she is the only reason why I am still married. Narcissists are unable to see their flaws, and that is the real challenge because it doesn’t matter what you say they only able to see their own side. He keeps saying that I am a bad mother and that he is much better off raising her than me. How do you make sure that you have an equal right to your child??? How do you make him understand that our marriage is over? Is it possible to solve this peacefully?
Stage 3 getting to Stage 4: Mandy Moore’s Wild Hope album loud on my speakers. Took me 4 years to get to my consciousness but thankful because I rediscovered my inner self and recognised my codepency issues.
This is like reading about myself and my situation. I find myself between stages 2 and 3. I’ve always used my kids as excuses to stay. Two are now grown and out of the house, one is still at home age 14 with learning disability. My every waking hour is thinking about leaving. I’m 52. I have only a part-time job. We’ve been married for almost 30 years. My word of advice, don’t wait until your my age.
Shelly. I’m 53 and agree. Wish I’d left him years ago. But it’s not too late. I’m in stage 4. One of my kids has supported me the other has cut me out. Even though there was a huge awareness of what we were all dealing with. People can still surprise you. Take my advice. Save yourself. Read all the steps above and figure out how to do it your way. Don’t think for a minute I’m not terrified of the future, just remember the only thing harder than leaving is staying. I wish you happiness and peace.
Hi, today I kicked my narasist bf out , I was with him for over 7 years , in that time we have split up at least 40 times , always saying things are my fault , how I should change , how I have mental issues , that I’m a bad person , I’m the one who causes arguments , I’m a whore , a slut , how I should change , each time we split up he gets back InTouch tells me everything this time will be ok that he will change , oh wait sorry agen how I should change ( my bad ) how I need medication , a therapist, a phycologist , I do as he wants , 2 wks later goes again , all my fault again but yet he’s the one that goes out drinking and stays away for days on end , like a fool I take him back after sweet talking me round , then the abuse starts again , he goes , well today I had enough , kick his ass to curb , told him he’s a narasist needless to say that didn’t go down too well , he accused me of being one saying I’ve got no friends because I lie ( but he’s the one whos convinced my so called friends am the one with the problem , some mates they were , anyway getting back to the point I’ve been threw it that many times with him that the pattern is sadly way too familiar for me to take anymore , Yeh sure he will leave me alone for a few wks till he messages my daughter begging her to get me to talk to him , or turning up at my home , today something clicked I wasn’t going to take anymore I packed his things and helped him take them to his car ( by this point I would have had knots in my stomach and feeling sick ) today was different I stood up to him which I think shocked him got a few nasty comments from him but not the usual thinking god he’s going to hit me which he has done in the past , no shoving , no name calling just a shocked look on his face , I hope I’ve defeated him this time and he leaves me alone to get on with my life
Are you still away from him?? Mine has been dumping me for 2 years…I blocked him finally (ok I got a little revenge first:) …but my heart hurts
Three months ago I walked away from a 5.5 year relationship with a narcissist. In those 5.5 years I left him once for four months, but went back with the promise of changes. It wasn’t long until things started repeating themselves. We were together for 4 years before HE aloud me to move into his house,even though I was practically living there anyway. I was basically sent away to my home, when HE needed his “space”. The whole relationship was on his terms.
He was someone I knew from my past, back when we were teenagers, We reconnected when I was 47 and i am now about to turn 54, Oh he said all the right things in the beginning, did all the right things. Wrote me poems, took me on trips, etc. after about 8 months to a year this all changed. The text messages stopped, the phone calls stopped. I had a scheduled time in the evening when I was ALOUD to call him, which was usually before his bedtime, because he was busy when he would get home from work and things to do.
After moving in with him, I thought things would be better. They only got worse. I could do no right. He actually treated me like a kid that didn’t know how to do anything. He talked to me like a kid. After awhile I no longer felt like his partner, but rather a roommate. I got tired of making up excuses for him and his actions to my family and friends. My grown daughters stopped coming to visit because they didn’t like the way he treated me and talked to me.
He had a motorcycle accident about a year before we got together and by rights he should have died. He lives with some permanent disabilities from the accident one of which 2 TBI’s ( traumatic brain injuries). He had 2 brain bad brain bleeds and was in a coma for 6 days. With this being said, My counselor(I sought out counseling due to anxiety and depression) said that the TBI”S would enhance the narcissism, boy did it ever. I could go on and on about how he treated me, but the bottom line is Im free of him. It hurts like hell because I truly loved him, or rather the person he used to be. Its only been less then 2 months and he is already seeing someone else. I hope she sees things way before I did. Im trying to heal and am taking it day by day,
In right there with you! Married 30 years. Divorced but still co-habitting because of financial reasons. I have managed to remind him that he has no hold our control over me anymore. I am free to be me.
My biggest question is: What if one of the two narcissist is your 38yo, gay son?
I can’t really break off my relationship with him, yet he leaves me feeling completely drained. He is in fact narcissist EXTREME.
I wish I had seen these articles 7 years ago…he dropped me out of the blue 2 years ago after 5 years together and manipulated me into coming back for 2 more years…during that 2 years I ended things at least 20 times and always went back….it got to the point where I just accepted the ways things were and waiting for it to happen again….and it did on Wednesday and this time when he did it it was different,…I am not upset , not wanting to see text or email him …, And for the first time I took care of and spent money on me and it felt great….I told him this time there is no turning back and I am determined to get my life back and it sounds crazy, but I am surprised at how happy I actually am……I just have to stick to my guns and stay away….his family is crazy and all are narcissistic POS…reading these articles and listening to all of you has helped me tremendously and I thank you so much
I think this is a great article however when you have children, how do you leave safely with the kids? you know he wont let that happen. court has failed. is there a way to make him leave? make it think it is his idea? because that is the only way he won’t fight.
Wow- great article that should be handed out to all middle school girls before the dating begins! I ended my 25 year marriage to a manipulative man to only end up in a relationship with a narc!
He wanted to date me while I was in the process of my divorce and I kept refusing him. He finally charmed his way into my life and the trap was set, game over.
I was very cautious at first and then he did exactly what a narc does-hits your weak spots, tells you how much they love you, makes you feel special and says you are THE ONE. He filled all the self-esteem cracks that had built up over 25 years and made me feel special for the first 3 months.
I’ll spare you the deets but I recently got rid of him after a year and a half of co-habitating. We were living together post breakup and actually doing ok – but I realized it’s because he was having difficulty finding a place to live. I finally gave him a firm move out date. His new supply are his parents who will be supporting him with housing and finances. Figures.
The love part – I still love the man I met but will not allow him to enter my life again. I think of it this way – he was just an actor playing a part and I had no clue I was in the show. The man I fell in love with never really existed.
Wow…..I’m at stage four, crying, having a glass of wine (unusual for me) & feeling very strong & relieved if I dare say it, at reading your page. It has however taken me 12 years to get to this point. I know I can do this, I want to do this, I deserve better than this and you are so very right, it is so very hard. Even for the strongest, most independent of us women.
Thank you so much for the inspiration, the advice, the empowerment of all of the posts on here, I will carry them with me through my leaving. Being an older Mum with two young children & living in a foreign country it will be a little harder but I’m giving myself 18 months to make my own career stronger & find a new home for me & my children. Here’s to the long road ahead……to happiness, to NORMAL! x
You would not believe the comfort that I received reading this article. I’ve been in a narcissistic relationship for the past 8 years. My fiancé always has to be right, blames me for everything, and puts me down even when I try my best. I have closed myself off from my family because with him I have no time. I’m always busy doing what he wants so that he is happy. Lately I’ve been feeling like I deserve more and I’m very unhappy. I don’t know how to stop myself from loving someone who has left me so many times that I can’t count, curses at me, and treats me like I’m nothing. I know it sounds crazy… and it is, but most people think just leave but u feel so messed up that u can’t. So why stay with someone that constantly hurts u? I don’t know I guess because I think I may never find anyone else. All I know is I’m tired of hurting and it’s getting worst.
Wow Veronica,
Here I am listening to Tamar Braxton “empty boxes” and reading this site. I didn’t really break down until I read your post. I’m right there with you. I wish I too knew how to unlove a person that has caused so much pain. They pretend to care only to do the same thing to you. I’ve been with mine for 8 years as well.
I want him so badly to love me the way I want and need. Deep down I know he just isn’t and it hurts. It hurts that I feel he really loved me. It hurts that I have found it unbearable to leave him. I’m getting older and I feel like that I won’t find anyone else and I don’t want to be alone. When the reality is, I’m already alone.
I’ve been left, cheated on, lied to, cursed at and here I am still here like a fool. While hurting like hell. I’m not even the same person anymore. I realized a few days ago that I become bitter and angry as hell.
This is in reply to Veronica and Nicole. I’m another 8 year fool. I knew a long time ago something was wrong but I thought he would change. He didn’t.
I kicked him out of my home 2.5 years ago with the help of the police. The police told me relationships like ours never work, and to not let him back. But…he drew me in again and fooled me over and over so I let him back in my life.
Now finally, I get it. He won’t ever change, why would he? He had the best of both worlds. I allowed him to suck me in whenever there was no one else around to amuse him. I always felt used…always! I let myself be berated and belittled constantly, I constantly had internal dialogue, why why why am I allowing this?
So I’ve reached the turning point, I’m getting help for myself so I won’t do this again, and I am not allowing him near me. That’s the only way. The advise in this article is soooo correct. You will get there, we all will be free and happy again. It’s just a matter of our own time. There is no right or wrong, we are all different but we all seem to know that there is something wrong with our relationship. That alone is very telling. Follow your gut!
Im at 6.5 years, 5 living together.
Thankfully its MY home, but that also adds the element that I cant leave to get away from him. Ive been going through all of these stages – and realize that Im at Stage 4, and he is the one who blew up and said its over and he is moving out (for the 20th time at least)
I slowly started to build my world back up, and it enraged him. His world got smaller as mine got larger and he couldnt handle it. He would tell me they werent my real friends, that I wasnt capable of keeping friends.
He would find any reason, any small thing to throw at me to tear me down. He would pick fights right before I would be heading out the door to go away —to attempt to ruin my weekend.
I detached. I had to.
He throws barbs to try and get a response from me, Im so used to hearing negative things about myself that it has become normal.
Thank GOD for my friends who are amazing support and kind and listen and build me up and tell me its not me – its been a voice of clarity to lift the fog that has been created by this guy.
Now in the midst of this crazy break up that makes no sense and changes day to day —last night’s monologue was a list of all the things about me that suck, and capped by how he can do better and he would be settling to stay with me.
Said that its not right of me to approach him with a conversation about cleaning the bathroom when he hasn’t in weeks, or forgets to lock the doors when he stumbles in drunk, or that he should be responsible to a repair to something that he damaged.
The hardest part in all of this – is that I mourn the person who I met, who I built a supposed life with, looked to take adult steps together to build a life – sharing space (my first time doing so) and thinking we were working towards something.
That I finally had my life lined up, that finally it would all come together.
And now, I worry that Ill be alone, and that all this time spent with him, are years that I could have found my person.
I get angry at myself for being sad about it, for crying, for being hurt —and falling apart like no one else that i know and have supported through their break ups.
I just want to feel okay, and shake this anxiety and uncertainty – and I want to stop being his plaything that he uses to feed himself for his narcissist needs.
This article and comments are cathartic and helpful. We are all strong people who deserve better and to be loved by someone kind and gentle – and how odd that it will likely feel foreign because these people, who are messed up themselves, have left us weary of trusting others.
Thank you for all you have shared – good luck to all of us!
You never talked about how to get over loving them. When you’re so in love but you know they are narcissistic I want to know how to stop loving them. He wasn’t that way until after I fell in love. How do I stop loving even after I left??
Going through this after 18 years of marriage. It IS hard, but remembering the person you love does not exist in the man/woman helps. Remember the second they feel they can emotionally destroy you the worst, if you allow the love of a nonexistent persona back in, they WILL repeat the cycle. It is a literal hell, but I am at level 4. I so feel for the children. One graduates, but one is in therapy for social anxiety, severe depression and cutting. His response to the pics and being told her condition due to all this lack empathy. Push on or we will be pushed 6ft under. I was couch bound over a year dealing with that evil man. I am now getting out and about. He knows his days are numbered and I can’t stand being near him.
You are in love with an illusion…with nothing. You do not even exist to your narcissist as anything more than a piece in a game. Its all his game and how he feels and what’s in it for him, all the time. At best your narc feels indifferent to you. Its OK to let go of the illusion of love. That illusion shows what a loving person you are. Don’t waste that on someone who isn’t able to love you the way you deserve. Period.
16 years with my narc bf (he’s 16 years younger….I was patiently waiting for him to grow up and mature, but immaturity wasn’t the problem). Too many breakups to count (initiated by me of course). I’m 2 days into another breakup.
His MO is that he will NOT leave me…he won’t leave my side (I used to feel flattered/loved, but I hearing that he feels godly when I don’t have the strength to leave, I won’t give him the satisfaction of that ego boost!!).
I just told him I’m aware of what he’s doing (trying to manipulate me) and that I’ve been here and done that. What a twisted twisted dance this is. We just moved into a house a month ago. He wants HALF of the proceeds and he even mentioned alimony! codependents have a hard time pushing people away, and when he keeps NOT going away, it makes me have to re-push and push and push, and he takes advantage of my kind nature, and having to be consistently ‘mean’ will wear me down! Help….every time I’m ALMOST out, he pulls me back in because it’s NOT in my nature to reject people and here I am AGAIN putting his feelings ahead of mine. I am going to try to focus on the relationship I so desperately need, (ie, future). I hate that I have to be mean and hurtful to make him go away, but if that’s what it takes, I will be. This is about my survival. I wish he’d hook up with his next victim.
Ok god I wish I could get to stage 1 … I’m so torn inside I love him , his company and the air he breathes, but know it is wrong , I have pulled him and and sAved him from numerous self destruct cirmunstances over the past 5 years, cancelled my family and friends to be his net when falls and loved every minute of it … but now begin to feel that the love I do deserve is fading and not being returned ,,,, I feel like a comfortable chair in the corner of the house… I know he occasionally sleeps with women and he told me it could happen … cause he has no control., I let it go and never showed him my pain , I put it down to the fact I am older than him and he truly loves me… he lies with no shame to friends and family … but not to me …. am I blind … now he is telling me he needs some space … why does that rip out my heart , when I’m sure he has taken all he can from me and now needs to move on…. but cannot find the heart to tell me straight…. but is slowly pushing me away
I’m so afraid to go and know he will not fight for me and then realise the last four years was a total lie … I’m so confused
Margie, you are in the web of a Narcissist, so you won’t be thinking straight. He’s told you he wants time away from you as it’s one of the tools to psychologically destabilise you. Read Savannah’s article on the silent treatment (if you haven’t already) to understand how this works. I’ve recently escaped my Narc ex, but the way I did this was to get some time away from him first to clear my head and gain some clarity on the situation. He was the one who suggested the time apart and I leapt on it as I saw it as my chance to get away. Your narc will try to sabotage the break though so be prepared to block him on your phone. Before the break, build up your support group, find a therapist etc. The break will mean you get some head space. This should be enough to clear your mind a bit and realise how toxic your relationship is and how your needs aren’t being met. Just be open to looking at your relationship honestly. One thing I can tell you is that the only thing you’ll regret once you come out on the other side, is the amount of time you wasted on this guy. There’s a whole world of opportunity out there – you’re worth more than this and you deserve better. Good luck
Get out now or you will waste more years on this man. I am dovorcing mine at the moment and I have finally turned the corner and seen him for what he is. The man I fell in love with never existed, it was all a facade and he fooled everyone not just me. It’s clever control, makes you doubt your own mind, sanity, memory, heart, intuition, everything! Leaving someone when you love them so much is so hard, but you need to remember that person you love isn’t real. It is so hard to be without them, mine was like a drug to me, but you will get over it. It seems so far away now, but it is possible if you stick at it. No contact is the way. Unfortunately I have kids with mine so no contact will never actually happen, but I only respond to him if I need to, and in a cold and emotionless way. My solicitor is dealing with most of it for me, I just wish he would go away and leave us alone. My kids are unhappy, I’m finally moving on, and he has a new supply so why does he need to bother us? He pays no money to me or the kids (I’m dealing with that), he has physically hurt me and the kids (which we deserved obviously), he ran up tens of thousands of pounds of debt, and now he wants money off me!?! Seriously! Its a joke, and its scary how similar all narcissists are. Get out now, run for the hills. I know its easier said than done, but don’t waste your life and love on someone who doesn’t deserve it. They will take everything from you, love, money, sanity, self esteem, everything. Run while you can!
Nice to find a site where I could feel comfortable posting. My relationship with my narcissist boyfriend just ended permanently 5 days ago but the relationship was really over with about a year and a half ago. We were together for almost 6 years and in the beginning everything was great but the signs of the narcissistic behavior appeared way back now that I have done so much reading about NPD. I also am very grateful that my boyfriend’s ex wife posted many articles regarding NPD on her Facebook page that were set to be viewed by the “Public” since I did not know her at all. Those articles after reading them had me just floored. As i read and then reread them all I could think of was how could she post this info on Facebook, she is the problem not him. He had told me all the bad things she had done for years and I believed him. But after reading so much about NPD sadly in my eyes, my mind and in my heart, this was my boyfriend and it made me sick to my stomach. I told him my story when I met him 6 years ago of how I walked away from an abusive ex husband and his story seemed identical to mine but it was his wife. Sadly, so much of my story was one he would tell me with the same things that happened to him, almost identical. I thought to myself, “Wow” he gets me and we have so much in common, But the red flags started to appear maybe 6 months into the relationship where I became even more aware of something being just not right. We were leaving the beach one afternoon and I put the coolers in the back seat and spilled some of the ice with water on the floor in the back seat and he went nuts. I told him no problem I could clean it up and told him it was just ice and if it melted it was only water. He got angry and was rude and then we got into the car and he did not say one word to me the whole hour and a half ride home. I was just surprised at how he acted but I just tried to think in my mind, hey after a long day on the beach he was probably tired so we talked a little once we got home and I just just let it go. But that was only the beginning. One morning I tried to roll over in bed and he was practically laying on top of me and i asked him to move over. Well, he got pissed, jumped out out bed grabbed all his stuff and then ran out the door and jumped into his truck and took off. All I could think of was what the heck is wrong with him. I tried calling him and would not answer so I threw on some clothes and went to his place to talk and find out what is going on in his mind. Well I got there and we talked and he blamed it on me so of course being a decent person I apologized and he did not once own up to what his part in it was and I let it go. These were just the start of the many, many red flags I did not get for some time. Constantly walking out whether it was day or night and then not talking to me for a few days was the norm for him. He blamed me for a lot. His family (his mother, and 2 older sisters) were practically attached to his hip. This 56 year man could not have a life without his family knowing everything we did. After so much reading regarding NPD his mother is a narcissist, as well as both his sisters. The mother made them who they were. Extremely negative and very judgmental and all victims from anything going on in their lives, They disliked me, in fact, they hated me. I am a person who is very grateful to be sober for 14 years and look and deal with life so differently since getting sober and I have an attitude of gratitude. But these people are extremely toxic. I stopped going to visit them when I heard his sister call his mother a “F’n r…tard,” it had me sick to my stomach to hear that. My bf told me that this was normal in his family growing up, he said he has never seen a family so messed up like his. I felt bad and was there for him through so much. Whether it being, his father dying, him having a heart attack, kidney problems, family issues hey, they practically disowned him since he met me because I was not falling for their BS. Sadly, the doormat I had become was enough. He then was hospitalized this year twice where he needed help, I think he had a breakdown when he found out his son got married and he then he also became a grandfather 2 months later and not one of his 2 kids wanted him in their life. They have not called or talked to him for 8 years. I could not believe the way he was treated but I do get it now. I could go on and on but I am just grateful we are not together now. It is so nice not hearing someone yelling at me or constantly being the victim when he was the one to blame. He made things up, constantly insulted me, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, enough was enough. We did trying making it work again but he only wanted to get together so he could further abuse me and leave me hanging which he did a lot. I just have to remember he is not well. I still pray for him and hope that his therapy can help. It is really nice I do not have to walk on eggshells anymore or live in fear of what he or his sick family may do to me and my family is very aware of what they are like and they support me 100%. So nice to be free.
Pam, YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Like me, you just have to keep telling yourself you’re in love with the man you first experienced, but he’s not that man and never will be.
Savannah, I love this article. I have saved it so I can read it over and over. I have made the decision to leave my husband of 20 years but I am struggling with dealing with the guilt of putting my children through a divorce/separation. My parents separated when I was 12 and I promised myself I would never do that to my children. I know the children will be better off as I can see the effect my husband has on my oldest son, who is 11. He belittles him and is eroding his self-esteem. I just worry if we split and the custody arrangements are 50/50, I will not be able to protect them when he has them. I know he would not physically harm them, but will make them do things they do not want to do. This is a regular occurrence. The kids are saying to me behind his back “Why is it always his way” and “Why do we have to do what he wants us to do, why don’t we get a say”. Which is not good. How do I get over the guilt and just do it??
Soon to Leave:
My situation sounds so much like yours. I’ve been married to my narc for 20 years, and my parents separated when I was young. My kids also say the same things as yours. He has kept me dependent on him all these years, I believe because if I had the income to leave I would. I’m not allowed to work outside the house, he gets emotionally abusive towards me when I go out with friends, and keeps a watchful eye on my social media page. I can’t follow men but he’s allowed to follow women. I get accused all the time of cheating and he constantly criticizes everything I do. Ive always referred to myself as his human punching bag. Sadly, the kids are very desensitized to his behavior and don’t even react to how he treats me/us. I do work…I managed to get a job working from home but it’s part time and definitely not enough to support myself. My friends hardly want to be around me because they know the treatment I will get once I return. My family don’t come to visit anymore and they live out of state and he won’t let me go see them. I feel like a prisoner. But…the day is coming. Like you, I worry about what happens to the kids once we divorce, but I am already preparing myself mentally for the all out abuse I will have to deal with once this day comes. He’s told me a few months ago when I was threatening divorce that I had started a war. He is now trying to turn the kids against me. I feel like a hostage doing everything I can to please him, to protect me and the kids from his abuse and threats to leave us and stop paying the bills. He even went so far to say that he would quit his job just so he wouldn’t have to give me any money. I realize he isn’t capable of truly loving. I am playing it safe until I can get the heck out of here. It’s hard pretending to be happy just to keep the peace but I see no other option until I am gone.
Hi, it is hard. I can totally relate to your situation. I have been slowly putting some money away and have given myself a dead line of January to get out and find a place. I haven’t told him as I know it will make things worse. I have 1 good friend who I know I can call at anytime and knows my situation. I don’t think he would be violent but you just never know with a Narc. I have also had some free counselling sessions through my part time employer. I seriously recommend building yourself a network of friends, someone you can talk to regularly and start saving some money just in case you need it. I have also been reading a lot of self-help books on separation, narcissists and reducing the fear and anxiety that comes up at the thought of ending it. There is no good time to do it, so I figured after Xmas I would.
I left my ex last Nov 1with our 4 kids. Like you he belittled and berated our 11 yr old.
Leaving was the best thing. My home is now based on respect and we no longer live with a volatile controlling self-centred lying bully.
I really suggest that you contact Domestic Violence. They have counsellors and are aware of local resources that can help you. They supported in setting up an exit strategy. And, they knew our situation so I could call if things went sideways and we suddenly needed a safe place.
When I told my ex we were leaving I already had support in place and leverage of people knowing who he was.
When I recognized I needed to leave I started a log of things he’d do and say to emotionally and mentally attack us. Honestly, I was shocked at how much had become normal noise and how aggressive he really was in everyday routines.
You’re living in a war zone with a tyrant. He’s not interested in their needs or feelings; he uses and attacks you all. You’re mistaken that you protect them by being there. You can’t protect yourself from him, and this is their reality 24/7. You have the chance to show your children what living in a respectful home is like.
My ex lost interest in picking up and supporting his children when he no longer had direct control of me. At first, he’d try to use pick up and drop off as an excuse to pull me back and ‘talk’ and meet face to face. . He even went under the guise of ‘communicating as responsible parents’ which was laughable; he contributes no responsibility or sacrifice. I did No Contact except for text or email and directly related to visitation. When he’d pick up/drop off I’d stay in the house.
He showed up one day unannounced trying to convince our daughter to let him into our house. I was at the bank with our 11 yr old when she texted me distraught. I called the police, and they told him not to show up again without an invitation/permission.
He’s likely found his new source now because we haven’t heard from him in months.
Look at getting support to protect yourself, custody, and resources.
I just let my narc know that I was in to her and her games and I am no longer any part of it. I don’t know if I was supposed to do this but two years of doing everything for her and no appreciation for my efforts have bottled up now to anger against her. She is absolutely gorgeous, displays confidence in public, has charm that will sweep you off your feet, and seduces like the hot temptress she is; so good at her play. I’m bankrupt at this point, I couldn’t keep up with her spending but of course it’s “my fault for not stopping her, it’s my fault for not doing our budget even though I have spreadsheets and show her a daily report of where we are with money that she asked me to do but pays no attention to). I “scare her” that I can’t keep a budget or plan finances right. She says I should see a financial advisor when “hello I was one!” . And when I tell her I was a financial advisor she just stares away and ignores me. She constantly talks about how brilliant other men clients of hers are (she’s a personal banker), and gets text messages from them to have lunch. If I ask where she’s going for lunch or with who I get raged and put down because I’m “insecure and jealous and shouldn’t ask her ever because I should trust her.” I see her slip into lingerie and put her dress on to go to work and I can’t help but wonder what the hell feels wrong about this- but I dare not ask because I’m not allowed to question her and if I do O can count on punishment of her withholding sex for the next 3-4 months. And if I ask for intimacy I’m needy and not respecting her body or how she feels. She once called me a thief because I didn’t tip a waiter enough- she said you might as well stick your hand in his pocket and take money from him! I said excuse me did you just call me a thief? Then of course she says “I don’t want to argue with you”, the classic line. I’m always on eggshells with this nut, by the way I once was completely head over heels in love with her she was my everything and I would have never disrespected her or called her even a silly name/ she was my queen my love my darling, but now I see she never existed and I’m left with a demonic looking , teeth clenching, gaslihting, manipulating, liar of a specimen that just provokes me and criticizes me. I can never make a right choice with her… if I do something nice it was not needed, if I do nothing at all I am not a good partner. She’s left me 3 times always stating that she will think about coming back to me and then she tells me to ” stay strong and don’t cry because that’s pathetic, if I come back we’ll see if you are stable enough but if you cry you’ll makee feel bad and I will never come back to you… gees I can say so much more… so I finally told her today that she is a narcissist and needs psychiatric help, I told her that she knows what she is doing and will continue to have this pattern with every partner she comes in contact with unless she tries to work on healing from her childhood trauma… she of course says I don’t know her or anything she is feeling and can’t take this. She said she will never come back to me (as if she is some sort of great thing to have). I laughed and said ok go psycho leave. And go get some help…. she left but I fear that she can come back and hurt me now since she is on my lease still and has the car title in her name. She always made sure she had some sort of leverage on me but now I don’t care. I want my life back and I have enough self respect and guts now to stand my ground. It’s hurts of course I’m so heart broken from the wonderful woman I though I had.. our wedding date was set for 07/07/17, she bailed and moved out the week before saying she was not in love with me but might come back if we are meant to be. From one day to another right after she loved bombed me with two days of sex.. this woman is cruel master of manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse and name calling… she broke up with me 6 months ago and came back to just wreck up my emotions and leave again (which I was aware she’d leave again but things were going so well I just thought I’d be prepared and it would hurt so much… so we will see if she’ll stay away since I told her I knew her true self and not the facade she displays… and I try to move on confused and stunned, broken hearted and dazed… bankrupt, and depleted of all resources..
I feel your pain. She is a monster. A shell of human who fills herself only with what she thinks a person needs to hear or get in the beginning. Please don’t let her back again or anyone like her. They only return when they don’t have a supply (new person to feed off and make feel like crap). You deserve more. We all do.
This past Sunday I finally got the courage to leave my narc bf. I caught him cheating for the millionth time and rather than listening to his bullshit excuses and deflections, I decided to just walk away. While he was distracted cleaning the kitchen- I grabbed all my stuff and rushed to the front door. I declared I had enough and was leaving. He seemed caught off guard at first almost blindsided. I was fast to say That I caught him again and I didn’t want to hear whatever lies were gonna come out of his mouth. I bolted out of the house and drove off before he could try to stop me. At the time I felt extremely angry and didn’t care. I changed my number immediately to personal cellphone. And blocked him on my work phone.
I didn’t even mean to initiate the NO contact because I didn’t know this even existed. It was just my instinct to do. That being said it’s been about 4 days since then and my angry has now turned to extreme sadness. I should be relieved but I don’t. I know I shouldn’t expect any kind of apologize or acknowledged of his actions. As narcs do not take accountability for anything. And knowing how they operate…why is it so hard to let it go? The idea of being recompensed….or the idea of hoping that just for once however little that chance might be that he will actually be sorry and feel just as miserable as I do.
I really want to get past this feeling…it’s like my heart won’t line up with what my head knows.
Any thoughts?
@Chris…I hope you are sticking with NC…good for you for finally escaping. It takes strength to leave! What you’re experiencing is cognitive dissonance and it will take awhile to subside. Reach out to your support system, don’t isolate yourself…and process the feelings as they come. Any remorse coming from a narc is feigned and only to get you under their control again. I also had wishful thinking after I left the narc and heard through mutual friends how I was “the perfect girl”
Focus on building your self-esteem and detaching. These are not normal break-ups …and there are so many people who understand and can validate what you’re going through! No amount of sweet words from a narc can remedy the abuse that you endured. You deserve far better!
Well done Chris – you are ahead of me! I left my Narc for the first time a month ago, but got hoovered back in by email – I hadn’t worked out how to auto delete email! He had previously told me that if the relationship ended, he would rationalise that it was for the best and he would be fine. I now realise this was just another one of his control tactics to prevent me leaving the relationship. His face when I said I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore was just shock – the face of someone out- manoeuvred. We are now back in the love-bombing phase – he actually said ‘I love you’ which is unheard of, but i so wanted to hear it, that it makes it harder to leave. I don’t live with him, don’t have kids with him, but have invested 2 years of emotional energy in him. I think I’m in love with him, if it’s possible to know your boyfriend is a Narc and still love him -it feels like my heart needs to catch-up with my head. I keep reading Savannah’s post about the 4 stages of detachment and I think I’m in phase 2. I have spent a small fortune on therapy to understand why I’ve allowed this to happen (my mother was emotionally abusive and is now only on the peripheries of my life to see my children) and my Narc approached me when I was just out of a 12 year abusive relationship with my children’s farther. I applaud any one who has the strength to leave an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship – those who haven’t walked in your shoes simply don’t understand. I’ve burnt my bridges by telling my family and now they judge me for getting back into the relationship, but I know they’ll be there for me when I finally go no contact and commit to it. I don’t know about any one else but I have an inner voice that is so loud that tells me to contact my Narc when it isn’t in my best interest – it’s so hard to ignore that voice – I’ve called it my Internal Terrorist and it hasn’t got my best interests at heart. My main issue with leaving my Narc is that despite the emotional abuse, there have been good times. We have so many common interests, and I’ve had a lot of fun, something I hadn’t had in the whole 12 years with my ex, that it feels extra hard to give that up. We run, cycle, play tennis, go on bat-sighting walks, comedy nights, opera, theatre, quizzes, After 12 years of sitting indoors, looking after the kids while my ex went out, that’s difficult to give up. I guess we’ve all experienced that feeling that we’ve met our soul mate and I’m no different from others in that respect. Anyway, thought I’d reach out and say ‘Kudos to you Chris’ and that I hope you are staying no contact – no judgment if you’re not though. Please comment on my post, I want to hear I’m not alone…x
I am prepping to leave my N partner. He convinced me by playing victim to basically give up my life and move myself and kids to his home. Now I have to start from scratch.
I am prepping in secret but every time I shut off my emotions, he either gets angry about how cold I am or very charmong and loving. I know these are tactics so I am not buying in. My kids love him and this will be very hard for them. I have been honest with my teenager, but my youngest idolizes him and is obviously an important supply.
My question is: How do I actually go out the door? Do I say I am leaving and ask for time to pack etc.?
He’s a teacher and summer vacation is starting. He’ll be here and I can’t pack secretly.
I am working secretly to find a place to live and have a place to stay if I have to leave quickly,
But I want to be able to bring my things because I won’t be ablevto afford to replace it.
I’m in exactly your situation. I’m ready to go. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to get the words out. I know as soon as I tell him he will twist everything and I will get so confused that I will take back everything I say and be back to square one again. it’s so hard!
Hi there … I’ve been married for 28 years to an alcoholic, emotionally abusive man – and who I’ve also figured out is a narcissist, at least I believe – his words and actions definitely fit the description of one. I have finally – after all these years, been making preparations to leave him and move on with my life and leave this relationship in the past where it belongs. We have 2 grown children together, and I feel extremely guilty for not noticing sooner and that my children grew up in such a toxic environment … as a result the oldest is constantly at odds with Dad … he goes to the bar, every single day, he comes home, calls me names, accusing me of cheating constantly, wants to go through my phone (even though I’ve let him do this countless times – also go through computer, etc.) – I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can finally afford to move on – so thats exactly what I’m doing. Thank God the marital assets are minimal, and we already have separate bank accounts … I am a little afraid of how he will react however once it comes down to it and starts logistically happening? I’ve been going to therapy for a couple of months now – and have told him that I want to leave, and that I’ve found a place to move to – he begged me to keep an open mind, etc. and promised to stop drinking, etc. – so I just agreed to placate him – although he’s already proven that was just bs – he quit drinking for maybe 24 hours … I just agree with everything now and try my best not to interact with him unless absolutely necessary. I don’t want to make him think theres a chance when I’ve been emotionally detached for so long that I don’t think there is any way those feelings could ever come back even if I wanted them to. His drunken tirades have caused me to have one injury that I had to have surgery for, multiple bruises although mostly the abuse was verbal … the bruises really only came in back when I used to care what he thought and argued and fought with him, and literally thought I was going to lose my mind he made me so insane with all of his untrue accusations and bs that I was constantly accused of that was absolutely completely fabricated in his imagination … he has imagined elaborate scenarios … has searched for me on porn sites (like I would be on there !!! ) … all of it is mind blowing when I think about it now … he is like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde … two different people. I’m looking forward to the future now for the first time in a very long time … although I am extremely nervous about it as well … my self esteem took a hit over the years, I gained an enormous amount of weight, but in 2014 lost 90 lbs and am now back to work with a great job and thankfully a future … for the first time in nearly 30 years!! I’m looking forward to finding out who I actually am … best of luck to everyone who has ever dealt with a Narcissist – because it is insanity!!!! Run for your lives!!!
Good for you Violet in getting yourself straight and planning everything out! Don’t be nervous, just stay strong and do it! And congratulations on your weight loss!!! 🙂
Why doesn’t anyone talk about narcissistic friends and how to end that relationship?
Am I the only one who’s finding it extremely difficult to do. It has been nearly 9 years! I just can’t believe it, I am exhausted or my life revolving around my friend, what she would think, what she would do, what not to say to avoid conflict and because it’s simply easier to go on about my day if I just agree. The endless negativity throughout the years has caused me so much anxiety that every time my phone rings or gets a notification my skin shivers. I would honestly really appreciate a conversation with someone about this cause therapy is so expensive! Please reach out
You obviously didn’t see my post entitled The Day I Decided to Break Up With My Best Friend.
It finally dawned on me that he was the major contributor to the mental nervous breakdown I incurred that had me hospitalized for 2 months, all through Christmas and New Year, far away from our 4 year old son and my 16 year old daughter. Little did I know stage 3 was setting pace. Once a strong confident African woman, he chipped away at the inner me, ever so subtly. No sooner had we walked down the isle, saddled with a much yearned for pregnancy, he slowly began to chip away at my faith in God, my taste in food, my point of view. The funny faces he wore that made me laugh were gone..forever, yet he remained so kind, lovely, dependable. Oh what would I do without him? No sooner had I given birth to our son came the full wrath of his psychosis upon my emotional intelligence which lasted until 4 days ago when he punched me in the stomach, grabbed me by the throat and threw me on the bed, while I carried our son on my left arm. He is gone now. I look back a 5 years of paying the rent as the sole bread winner of the family, at the alcohol and whatever else he gave me to keep me confused, I carry the huge financial debt he left us with but I forgive him. I changed the locks and he is gone…for now…because thanks to your blog I know he will be back. You’ve opened my eyes further, the emotional abuse turned physical 4 days ago because I completed stage 3. Thank you!
Well done Livy – I hope you are staying strong. My Narc has never been physically abusive but previous partners have, and personally I find that easier to deal with, easier to realise that anyone that does that doesn’t love you. You are better than that, and you are worth more than that – just wanted to let you know, and send good wishes, hoping that you are okay x
Although I am a male, i am currently involved w the female version of a toxic narcissist. The information was extremely powerful! Thank u for helping me see that the crazy part was the one that convinced me to stay!
Hi Codependent,
Hopefully you will see this. I, too am in the process of trying to end my friendship of 4 years with a narcissist. We recently had an argument over something silly and she is currently ignoring me. I wrote to her once and she didn’t answer, which I am going to take advantage of and walk away, hopefully forever. It’s so much easier said than done. There are reasons we became friends with these people in the first place, right? So I know I will miss her sometimes but like you said above, my life won’t be so exhausting with everything revolving around her, worrying about what she will do, think, and say based on my statements/behavior. This will be a relief…..I just need to have the willpower and strength to keep contact cut off. I’m wondering how it has been going with you for the past few months?
I have read up on what a narsissist is before and it opened my eyes to a lot but I still got sucked back in. He talked about me moving in and each time I spent time at his house and was about to move in he would start an argument over something stupid. And then we wouldn’t talk for a few days and then it would be my fault. He lived about 20 miles away and he was talking to me about getting a place together close to were we work. He even looked at places and then after we would talk about things he would come up with an excuse on why he didn’t want to. After that time I started to pull away and become distant. I was doing good for a few months but then I left my guard down and got sucked in. It lasted for a week. He talked about me moving in with him in his new place and couldn’t wait to show me it. But then he started being a jerk again. And the one day after work he said he had to go somewhere after work and disappeared. Well I knew exactly what he was doing he was with someone else. I did catch him. I saw his car at her house. I went into his work the next day and asked him what happened and he said he was doing a lot of thinking. I asked what happened after you got back from where you had to go and his answer was I went home. I looked at him and said really he said yes and my response was no you didn’t you were at her house. After that he snapped because he got caught. I said I’ll let you alone so you can be with her. He said he wanted a relationship with her but wanted me, I have to laugh at that. The last thing I said to him was go with her but stay away from me. I am more upset and mad at myself for letting my guard down then at him for what he did. I know he will never change and he will do the same thing to her it will take time but he will. It helps knowing that other people are going thru the same thing and that you are not alone.
Is there a chance the N will NOT care if I end it by just walking away? I had a chance last month. He did not contact me for 2 weeks. I called him to tell him I GOT THE HINT and knew we were over. He denied it and blamed ME – saying “Why do I always contact you? Maybe you should contact me?” Well, I fell for it, and have been seeing him again.
I see him 3 nights/week- always by HIM, never by me. He said he loves me. So, in any event, I talked to him a few days ago telling him I would like to hear from him on the days we are not together. Not major conversation, but just a Hello text or “how’s your day?” text. He FREAKED – he yelled at me – told me he will NOT do it because we need our space, etc blah blah blah! He acted like I asked him to commit murder or something.
I’m ready to get out by slowly being unavailable for our “dates.” If he catches on, does the N typically then turn up the charm harder? I really hate this!
Thank you for any input
Wow, the more I read the more scared I get. I don’t believe my NC will ever let me go. We have lived together & have gone weeks with him disappearing. Only to have him come back & get on my phone & see I’ve texted other guys & almost punched me in the head. I stress every day how to end this madness. I was a perfect weak target- a widow . I feel so much like these other posts, he’s tried to guilt me into swinging, thank god I have morales. Threatened me with posting naked pictures. I try to do no contact & he threatened to not ignore him & he contines to treat me worse & worse. Sometimes I wish I could just move away in the middle if the night.
Marti the language you use is disturbing. Why do you give him all the power? It’s not about him letting you go. This is over when you decide it’s over. Why can’t you make preparations and disappear? You don’t owe him anything. If he threatens you or punches you in the head call the police. You want him to take you serious start acting like you’re serious and get the heck out. .
Savannah, I’ve made noticeable progress following your advice having reached the healing stage on the other side of the pain. All our friends must keep going forward toward freedom. I learned most from the sites about our stages, steps to take, and seeing inside the Narsissists minds & Max’s interview where I felt my turning points as well as the Keys to unlock the shackles.
Primarily seeing that my N was just a fantasy full of charms that captured my mind soul & body, who loves himself & not me was a wake up call. But then, how to let go, not slide back into the addiction. So I was in love with a fantasy? An illusion? And that Fantasy was all that loved me back. So appalling but true. But then how to get free of the addiction. Recognizing it was the first step.
Symbolic. See the carnival N loves to take me to. First a tiltawhirl, next the Tunnel of Love, and then the roller coaster. All to feel love & get hooked to have the thrill of the rides forever. But then the heartache when N takes someone else thru the Tunnel of Love & lies about it. By then you have been demoted from queen at his side in the tunnel of love down to the merry go round & if you don’t like that, go ride the kiddie train. When you finally get fed up, leave that carnival but N won’t leave it. He thrives from the glitter & thrills and finds his unlimited supply there. He also wants to keep you addicted if you feed his ego with admiration. But you will never be the Queen again. If he could, you would be be-headed. Just being symbolic.
Thus, once free (or at anytime) we must build our inner strength to maintain healthy emotions that we control, no longer under his control. It takes time to heal while we redevelop our self esteem, get self-dependent & learn positive direction. Time varies per person. Felt like it took me forever but I feel so free of the burden of N.
Savannah’s advice leads to success even if you fail once, twice three times. Keep your focus ahead because the fantasy was not real love & neither was the wizard of oz. we delude ourselves & fight against self-denial. All along our intuition has been trying to warn us. Listen to it.
Let go, detach, no contact. Once you face the pain & get thru it the first time, it’s a learned skill & will be easier to face any future pains in life. It becomes a process in life. Trust in the Inner You, you already have all the power you will need inside of you. Unleash it & nurture it. You get stronger each day.
Don’t be mistaken that the pain you feel means how deep your love is for your N. No it isn’t. Love is not painful. Other emotions cause pain. (Maybe Savannah has some comments on that somewhere but I haven’t found it just yet)
Love to you all with my greatest thanks & prayers for your success. I made it bc of all of you and with God’s help for inner strengthening bc I couldn’t have done it alone. Happy tears.
I was with my Narc for 3 years. The first year was the best of 3 although I ignored all the red flags that first year because I had my dream guy. It just got so bad. Our second year we moved in. Not on the terms I had wished. But, because it was convenient to him, he got kicked out of the house. Of course me being the giving and loving person I am, I agreed to stay in a hotel with him while we were looking for an apartment to live in. Whole time, I had a place to stay. But I chose to be with him, pay fees with him. Move out with him. He started showing verbally abusive signs early on. But his apologies were enough for me back then. He would attack my character, curse me, leave and then come back. I was hooked. He would always tell me I was too sensitive or too emotional. And if he apologized, I should be over it. And he hated when I told him how I felt. Honestly, there is nothing anyone in this world could say to me to offend me that I haven’t already heard from him. That’s literally how much I’ve endured in 3 years. I take responsibility for staying. I love him. This 3rd year has taken the most energy out of me. All we do is argue. We can’t agree on anything. All of our conversations became disagreements. We would go weeks without talking. Weeks without intimacy. It became the norm. And he would text me things like, everything is 98% my fault that we can’t get along. He told me I am impossible to please. That I would never be happy. And a little sarcasm, even gave me a little advice for my next relationship. He said no guy would take me serious as far as a relationship. They would just play me for a fool. Here we are March 11, 2017, his birthday, we are broken up. Still living together but broken up. I have plans on moving out next week. He seems to be just fine as usual. I’ve been crying whenever I get time alone to release my true feelings. It hurts so bad. I feel like I can’t be myself. My mind is consumed and my heart is broken. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s like a funeral. I compare it to him dying in my life but he is still here in flesh. I LOVE HIM. It’s crazy on how I literally have to google steps of recovery because this just doesn’t feel like a normal breakup. I started to feel like my life is over. Like what is life without him. That is How bad it got. Stay strong everyone. I am a believer in GOD. I haven’t reached a point where I feel like it gets better but I know one day, it will get better. Prayers up.
How are you doing?
18 months with my Narc. I live in a small town so I was warned before getting involved but they are so good at making everyone else the liar that I fell for him anyway. 3 great months before it started getting crazy. The alcohol abuse, physical and verbal abuse, lying, cheating, constant criticizing. I was left at parties to walk home, was left at tables while he flirted with others, was made to feel like a dissapointment if I wouldnt get into a swinger life with him. I was locked out of our bedroom and made to sleep on the couch . Arguments were frequent and he was never wrong. Every vacation and special night ruined by his need to drink excessively and desire for extra friends in bed. Never once told me I look nice or sexy but constantly wanted to know how he looked. A once independent, beautiful, strong woman became belittled to nothing. My friends wouldnt be around us, my family banned him but I kept going back because I loved him . He finally broke things off with me after getting a new job with a bunch of 20 year olds that party all the time and look at him as a cool 51 year old that likes to drink and have a good time. They think its funny the guy drank so much A security officer and I had to carry him out of a club in Vegas on a company trip. I finally took everything out of his house and blocked his contact. After 2 weeks he started calling from work number drunk on weekends.. I miss you,.. I love you.. I just dont know what I want… I caved and saw him for two weekends. Both weekends I realized he was only there to cope with his lonliness not because he loved me. He was the same guy putting me down and blaming me for everything. He is back on no contact. I told him to leave me alone now because I can not help his problems or change them and I need to heal. Its hard because you love them but each day I get stronger and each day I get a little of myself back. Stay strong friends.. you cant give these people all of yourself because there is nothing left for you.
Is it possible to emotionally detach but stay living together? I just don’t have the resources to leave right now, but simply cannot continue.
Thank you for all these posts. I am NC now for nearly 3 weeks but keep getting calls on my mobile from a private number I.e.withheld number. I know that it is him and that he wants me to reply and ask him if it is him. I wish he would just leave me alone because I only end up crying and it takes all my willpower not to ring him.My doctor has put me on anti depressants because I just feel lifeless and unmotivated.I need to get back to me I was a happy, confident girl before I met him now I feel like trash.Like I said I just wish he would go away. Mel x
Thank you for this column. I am in the last stage of detaching. I have been sleeping on my own. The straw that broke the proverbial camel is his controlling of my own money. After 40 years of marriage – unhappy, unfulfilling, very lonely years, I have finally found the strength to say enough. He would not support any thing I do or propose. He is extremely lazy. He always say “I” never “we”. He did everything himself, no acknowledgments for my contribution. It was dead from my wedding day. His parents, (mother narcissist and father passive aggressive) disapproved of our marriage, they didn’t wan their son to ever marry. The mother said her son promised her that she was the only woman for him. How weird is that? Then this evil MIL did everything to humiliate me publicly and my useless husband just keep saying, she was just joking. He never defended me or my reputation. He was so scared of his mother. In short, he never made me a priority. He never comforted me. When I had a surgery for breast cancer (because I wanted to die) 11 years ago, he left me in the hospital. Never took care of me when I was sick – for 40 years. At home, even my neighbors are asking me why I was the only one working in the yard (he mow the little grass lawn we have at the front if I tell him a hundred times). With a high IQ, I don’t know why I stayed too long. Maybe it was for my twin boys now grown up (so unlike their father, they are responsible and thoughtful) and the church we belong, I am moving away from that, too. Too hypocrite for my liking and cultic. I can tell it now without crying. Now, I understand I have moved on. He’d be leaving in a couple of months to go overseas, where we have a vacation home. Hopefully, he’ll find his supply and not bother me anymore. I surely deserve better and I am getting that. No more slaving and being a punching bag emotionally. Thanks for this article, it made things clearer. To all the suffering victims, here’s wishing you can find the strength to say “enough”.
I’ve just recently realized I’ve been living with a narcissist. We’ve been together 2.5 years…living together 1.5 years. We’ve had two children together. I feel like his only purpose for me was to be a uterus to carry his children. He’s got almost every trait of having a narcissistic personality. Going through the list was check, check, check, etc…
For me though, in addition to the verbal/mental/emotional abuse, there was also the element of spousal rape over the last 6 months. He just would not accept no. It wasn’t violent, but despite my protests he continued doing what he wanted. I’ve only recently become aware that what was happening is actually rape. My guess is that he’d been trying to get me pregnant again just to make it even harder for me to leave when I came to my senses. He’d mentioned trying for a third before I was even discharged from the hospital after having my second.
We’ve been living together, but haven’t spoken since Thanksgiving Day, due to my finally standing up for myself. I guess I made him realize I was no longer controllable.
I have since filed a police report for the rape. The same day I reported it, he had me served with an EPO, however it wasn’t granted. Judge just set a summons date. My attorney had me file my own EPO…mine was granted, and he was ordered to vacate his house. We’ve had zero contact since Wednesday last week when the kids and I left due to the possibility of him becoming physical once learning of my police report.
For the most part, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted…I feel free again. I’ve had a couple days I’ve cried over him(I do still love him), but mostly I seem to be coping well. However, I do wonder how difficult things may be once custody is set up.
I’m horribly, horribly nervous to see him again next week when we go to court. Honestly, the thought of it makes me want to throw up. I just don’t know what to expect from him. He’s so Jekyll and Hyde.
I pray for strength when/if it comes to him trying to reel me back in. I desire to be needed and loved so badly, I just hope to be able to turn him away.
I’m on Day 3 of No Contact with my Narc and I’m hoping I stay strong this time around. We’ve been together for almost 2 years, both had previous marriages, in our 30’s looking for a second chance at something loving and lasting. At first, he seemed perfect! He had all these great ideas for things we would do, places we would visit, we talked non-stop. Then things started taking a turn. We started fighting all the time and sometimes the things he would yell at me for didn’t make sense. I was blamed for things that never happened, things I never said. I would leave the argument dizzy and confused. Eventually he blamed it on alcohol and said he’s been hiding his alcoholism the whole time. He cleaned up and things were better for awhile. The emotional abuse started up again soon enough. After a horrible weekend trip that ended in 3 hours of character assassination while stuck in a car, I’ve reached my limits. He threatened to drop me off in the middle of the snowy woods so I could walk home. I deserved because I am such a horrible girlfriend. I was blamed for his alcoholism, was told all my friends are fake, and how could I ever think someone will want a life with me. I’m picking up the pieces of my broken self-esteem now. I feel pretty low and terminally flawed. I know it will take time to heal from this but for the first time, I feel strong enough to say I’m through with the abuse. Best of luck to all of you out there. We all deserve better.
Very well put. I am NC for a while now, not sure how long I can keep it that way, particularly in death it will be hard. I got a facebook friend request from my codependent dad which I deleted. They are incredibly vengeful cruel and heartless.
I felt like I gave everything I had, was a devoted boyfriend who was love bombed into oblivion. She got me to move in with her and her kids after a month seeing each other. It was the most intense love and connection I’ve ever felt. And I can’t believe that she was like that just to satisfy her own self esteem…we were both broken after previous relationships and found in each other kindred spirits and a deep, foundational connection.
And then when I had my first anxiety attack she kicked me out and broke up with me via text while I was out of town. Classy. But she got me back, because I was hooked. She was THE ONE. But I began to notice that it had to be all her way. I could only see her on certain days/nights (no more living together). She changed from a love bombing, texting/sexting lover into a career and church focused part time booty call. But I was doing everything to help her, love her, be a partner to her and a father figure to her kids. I wasn’t perfect, but she made me feel like an emasculated, needy, clingy man begging for her time. She was keeping her distance, partly because of my fears/anxiety which she made worse by being non committal and emotionally unavailable. I was put on the shelf until it suited her (She did this too many people). I was constantly wondering what our future together was. Because I wanted a life with her more than anything. Not co-dependent, but a togetherness on which to build a life together. She told me she wanted the same…But it had to be her way. Always.
It’s been 2 months since we broke up and she has continually broken contact, telling me I’m in her heart and that she loves me. It’s so hard not to cave in…I miss what we could have been. I miss the intensity and intimacy of our love making, I miss her eyes and her smile. I miss her, but have to redirect myself enough to know that there is someone out there who will love me the way I want to be loved. I have blocked her phone numbers, emails and Facebook and deleted all photos, messages etc. No contact for real this time. I sent her one last message saying goodbye forever, and then telling her she was blocked (no ghosting).
After 2 months I thought it would be easier.
It is the day after New Years Day, 2017 and I have finally summoned all my strength to end this toxic relationship.I hope I can see it through. There is a lot at stake here.But most of it is material.I am surprised by the reaction from some of my family, my brother wanted to know if HE(the Narc) was “shattered” and didn’t even ask about me-his sister. My mother got all weird, even though she knew what I had been going through, as my dad is a very similar man to my recently x-narc man. I started to feel like I might be making a mistake by ending it and that everyone thought I was overreacting or being too hard and unforgiving.He has been texting me, but I am being very cold and calm, even though inside my heart is breaking, no one can tell and I feel that my family actually feel more sorry for him than me. My main fear was to get old alone and not ever be truly loved by someone and be able to return that love, and that is why I was probably so vulnerable, when he came along to “save” me.But I need to stay strong, I miss him terribly, we were only together for 12 months, but it was the most intense year I have ever had in my life. They say,be careful what you wish for, as you might get it and that if something seems too good to be true, then it usually is. How true.But I keep trying to think about all the things that caused me to come to this decision. I really think he will move on quickly. When I told him I wanted him to leave asap, he went and had a shave and put on his nice clothes and ssaid he needed time to”think”, I knew he was lying, although, as I said to him, I cannot ask him where he is going, now that I have ended it.It was all part of his way to make me think he could just go out and get someone new. Well I hope they are resilient, because they will need to be. I told him he would not destroy me and I wont let him.I deserve better, but I am also aware that I am not perfect and need to do some more major work on myself in regards to relationships, before I enter one again. I told him I am already gone. Good luck all of you who are trying to end it. I wish you well and STAY STRONG.Thank you for the information, it has helped me a lot to keep moving forward.
Great advise!!
We CAN and DESERVE a good life survivors!
I encourage you all go listen to Rachel Platton – Fight Song
We got this!!!!!
How did you leave?
I’m a male and I feel I was in an abusive relationship with a woman. I feel she was the abuser, as she frequently humiliated me in public, put the blame for things she did wrong on me, and always made me feel like nothing I did was ever good enough.
After three years of this She broke up with me while I was out of state for a few months for work. She had come to visit me in LA where I was showing her around and talking about a future life with her. Then she got really mean on her last day there and cursed me out in front of a bar after me and some friends had taken her out to dinner and drinks. She then tried to start an argument in our Uber home. And then she started blaming me for things that were out of my control, until I finally told her that this is not my problem, and that she is being insecure and needs to get it together. Next day she flew back home to ATL, dumped me in an email and kicked me out of our apartment.
I want to tell my story. I was thinking of writing a comedic joke book about the trauma of emotional abuse. I was thinking of publishing it. But does the fact that I want to tell what happened to me make me a narcissit? Am I the narcissist in the relationship? Is there something I did that I’m missing ? I want someone to believe me when I say I did nothing wrong, but, I know I need lots of validation. I’m not to the point where I’m confident in myself enough to not care what others think of me. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Was this just a normal relationship or was it abusive? Am I a narcissistic for wanting to tell everyone what she did to me? Is it mudslinging if it’s true? Am I the narcissist?
Mete0Red – Absolutely not. Writing is very therapeutic and helps us to relief grief. Write…write…write.
Hi Savannah, I am so grateful for your words of comfort. Had Been with a Nar Boyfriend of 4.5 years. He 63, me 64 now. They don’t change as they get older for sure. I finally moved out after many attempts at this yo yo of things will change, he will take me places, we will do things together, just to get worse each time I went back. This last time took 4 months, with a final blow up of telling me I was not going to do things I wanted to do. To downplay the blowup, as a “simple” argument. You said it right, I have tried everything to have a real, true relationship, that turned into broken promises, lies, put downs, till I have finally gotten the only thing that really works. Leaving with no explanation that I don’t owe him, & NO Contact. Thank you for all you helpful words as I struggle to get me put back together. Hugs to all of you.
This blog and article is so enlightening and has brought me such comfort- thank you all. 7 months free now from the Narc. Nearly 7 years together, with a pre school child. I have had the character assassination and been totally confused by it all. My self esteem hit the floor and I became suicidal. Couldn’t see a way out with a small child, but with the support of friends and family, it has happened. Now getting happier by the day as finally the house sold and another tie cut. We will always need to communicate about our child but I have now refused to read any emails relating to anything else. Such good advice to stay with NC but impossible with a child between you. I thought leaving him would immediately improve my life, but he viciously made it worse. Coming out of the woods now, feeling more human and that this wasn’t my fault. Loved the comment that these people should be on a register like sex offenders, it did make me laugh. Spot on. Good luck everyone and keep running away from these toxic people. Get better at spotting them!!
Been in a Narc relationship for 12 years…I should have seen the red flags when he tried to put me down in front of others, or verbally abuse me when alone. When he said you’re too good for me, I should have run. These people are highly manipulative and create their own little worlds of lies and drama (that they believe). The last time he proposed. Shortly after that I found out that he screwed a childhood friend’s wife. Ive gone no contact, and Im bloody angry, mostly at myself for allowing him to do this to me again. Now he complains to mutual friends that I wont talk to him, contacts my mother telling her that he will always love me. Their idea of love is manipulation, getting what they want, when they want, and basically having no moral compass.
I am still married to my narc for 11 years. His narcissism is Covert, vulnerable one. I’m from another country, living in the states where my narc is from. I do not have a place like family to fall back on.
In the beginning, everything that went wrong was “due to language barrier as well as cultural differences. ” And I believed it for a very long time.
I started working at DV shelter 6 months ago that got me learning/trained all about power and control. It’s only been a month since I started putting all the pieces together.
He has made me believe that I’m the one who abuses and mistreats him. That nothing he does is ever enough when he never follows through promises or rules in the house. I started documenting all our fights in writing, mine as well as his. I now know there has been a pattern in his behaviors whenever I made criticism on his action or inaction on mutually agreed upon rules: He’d snap or become defensive, then shift the blame on me by crazy making or gaslighting, then silent treatment for half a day or two. Then come to me saying “Can we talk?” If I refused to listen to all the empty promises I heard so many times, he’d turn the point of argument by saying “Why are you with me if you hate me so much? All the problems since the start of our relationship remain still the same. He says he is learning and I need to be patient. But I think I have been pretty damn patient for 11 years. His lame excuses began to lose their effect on me since a few years back.
I was only able to see the pattern after I changed my method of responding to him from in-person face to face talk to email only.
I am sick lying in bed trying to get my temperature go down before work days. He has never taken care of me except when he took me to ER when my temp went up dangerously high last year. Once in 11 years! But at that point I already knew he’d do those credit building to show off and maintain his face to complete strangers.
I have been reading up, researching, educating myself about the kind of person for whom I came oversea to be with 11 years ago. I am 41 years old now. I think I am on stage 2. I promised to myself that I will make my own bank account when I get a chance. I am scared to start all over but the idea of being depleted for the rest of my life to supply his forever lacked sense of security is no life. I’d not be able to forgive myself letting it happen after knowing this.
Thank you everyone for sharing their lives and hells. Thank you Savannah for the steps and this place to hear and be heard. It made me cry because something finally made sense and you guys get what it feels like when no one else around me did fo this long.
I am married to a man who is all these things. He humiliates me in front family and friends, always blames me for everything even has me blaming myself for things I never did. aLways points out my faults and what a bad person I am.
I am too nervous to leave him as I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself for wrecking our family, we have 2 little boys. When things go wrong its never his fault and his always trying to outshine and organise everyone’s life.
I don’t know what to do at this point as I love my children so much. They are too small to see him for what he is, he is their world.
J12 how have you gone this last six months? On reading your story it sounds much like mine. I am married to a man who does the exact same things, Only reason I stay is for my 2 boys. I am in the process of looking elsewhere to live as I know he won’t leave the marital house. I just don’t want to hurt my kids and wreck their family too. The guilt I think, would kill me…
Wondering if you are still together or managed to escape?
I have been reading a lot of stuff about narcissists as I have been in some kind of relationship with one for almost 8 years now. I have been working hard at letting go emotionally and getting him out of my life but it is something that I am finding very difficult. I still have a sense of injustice over the whole idea that he can “drop be like a hot potato” and I still have to communicate this to him constantly in various ways. It makes me livid that he could drop me after all that I have done for him and there are plenty of other women in his life for him to run to so he doesn’t need me and this is very hurtful. I am having a really tough time getting past this. I know that it is the nature of a narcissist but how do I get past the anger and hurt that essentially I mean nothing to him, in any real way? What do I think in my mind in order to accept it and move on? Please help me.
I need help as I have been trying to get rid of this narcissistic toxic cunt for now just over eight Years since 2008 called Xxxxxxx Xxxx Xxxxxxx crap names and who they are go together as they are EVIL SATAN and its EVIL SATAN family
Thank you for the article and for the comments. I loved the article, but the comments scared me in a way…..how many of these are about my Narc ex? So many of these stories have happened repeatedly in my relationship. Could these stories be about him? It’s such a scary feeling to think someone else may have experienced what I have been going through for almost 4 years. I’ll spare the gory details, but I am in a very sad Stage 2. I have been in this stage so many times. However, he has found a way to convince me every time that it is his drinking. I’ve done so much research over the years about Narc/Sociopath/psychopaths/bi-polar and have always been convinced or able to convince myself that the real problem was his drinking. It very well could be, but things have just gotten completely out of hand and the drama has hit an all time high. For all the women he put down to convince me that I was the “one” or that I was so different because I was so loving and nurturing, I now see that I have joined the “club.” For all that I have done and supported for this person, I have been added to the pile. And it’s straight on to the next one. His definition of a “long time” is a week and a half. Meaning, “he hasn’t been into me for a long time.” Which is code for “I’ve found my next victim.”
I have been back and forth so many times that I cannot see straight. I have cried a million tears over this Narc and still do. The unbelievable factor hasnt worn off. The unbelievable betrayal, lies, deceit, and all without remorse. Oh yes, the crocodile tears have been there and he has reeled me back in every single time.
My friends and family are fed up. They’ve heard it all, they’ve seen it all and now they won’t return my calls or texts. Not unless I leave him for good. People, this is the isolation factor. Why does everyone disappear out of your life when you’re involved with a Narc? Because they see it and you don’t! Don’t just trust your gut….trust your friends, family and even his friends and family. Yes, chances are they will all warn you too.
Wow, this is an amazing site. I love reading the experiences. Everyone has some tidbit of information that I can take away to use at a later date. I am currently in a narassistic relationship (38 years). Yes, some might say this has been a long time comin…..I really didn’t see it. Lol, I always thought it was me and all my baggage (I was raised by narcissist parents). I had no frigine clue until someone pointed out to me that maybe this behavior he’s exhibiting isn’t due to something I maybe of said to make him mad again and blame and blah blah, the list just goes on an on. I never thought I’d be making a plan to get out…..now as I sit here to write this and share my story, I wonder if I’m I’ve made the right decision for my future…..there are so many things to think about from getting all personal papers together, transferring car insurance, buying a car etc . For me I need to take some down time while living here…I might as well milk it and be able to be mentally strong enough to leave.,…..which is not feasible right now. I said today that I was sad….sad that I took this marriage so damn serious and still do.
I wish you good luck. I was in a relationship with a crazy narc for 1 and a half years. It was terrible! You must be very strong to cope for 38 years! I’m sure your life will improve now you know what you have to do. All the best
I’m trying to detach emotionally from my covert narcissist ex girlfriend. The problem is that she moved next door to me soon after we 1st met. So I have to see her every day! No contact is not an option. She is still playing mind games with me, and I’m finding it rely difficult to not react emotionally. I still feel love for her even though she has been very mean to me. Has anyone got any advice on how to cope? Apart from the obvious of moving house, which isn’t possible. Thanks
Yay for the detachment. Too much anger and resentment for too long. I’m in the last stage of leaving. I’ve an apart in a far far away land, been ordering thing for furnishings online and having them sent there. It’s taken me far too long to realize in my head and heart what my guts been saying. And I believe it’s time for me to.fly…. I’ve an out date in approximately 6 months. And will say nothing to let him know I’m leaving. The less I care or let things bother me And the less I say, the more of a spin he gets into. Odd. 6 months passes quickly, and my focus is finally ME!! There was a time when I was a kid, I stood up to some bullies. I got so fed up from fear etc. The strength came out of no where it seems. And when I stood tall and strong and said no. This will not continue. It felt so damn good. I’m getting that feeling again, years and years later. Damn, it’s nice to feel the movement from knocked down , to sitting, to kneeling and finally rising!!! Nothing like this is ever easy. Amazing the strength we have when we find it.
I have left my N but I see a lot of help as far as a single person leaving but how do you distance yourself from a NP when there is an infant involved….I just don’t want to deal with him and his abuse but then I feel like I am the bad person for not allowing him contact with our daughter…I really need advise on how to deal with this situation
I was with a covert narc for 5 1/2 yrs however this didn’t become apparent until I moved into his house with him. He had been a ‘lovely’ man who always said and did the right things, exactly the things I wanted. It is only now that I feel that it was all a game plan to him, to get me hooked and to be honest even though I left 3 months ago I am still angry.
When I moved in he suddenly changed, didn’t do any cooking, washing, shopping or thinking! Tiny little things that were jokes became more hurtful – comments about my fitness, size, age – the usual stuff.
His behaviour became more and more strange to me, I felt unsafe and very unhappy and made the decision to leave. I left without telling him after discussions about how I was feeling and him telling me that I didn’t know my own feelings.
I am still angry that I didn’t see how he was and angry with him for deceiving me. But I am happy to away even though it has left me homeless I was not prepared to stay and be made to feel that way any more.
Hi I just came across this article and it really helped me so much. The man I’ve been with for 3 years has always made me feel so small he has always pointed the blame at me and told me that he did the things he would do because of what I did. Everything was always my fault and all I would do was cry and wonder why he could tell me he loved me but turn around and say such horrible things to me, I could never bring myself to say or do those things to him. There was always two sides of him and when he got mad there was no controlling him, as I took my shit out of the house today and walked out the door he pushed me out the door and I had never been so disgusted by a human being in my life. I’m done. That’s for sure. Thank you for writing this. It has inspired me more than you’ll ever know.
Hi! Thank you for the article and the comments. It makes me feel better that I am not alone.I have just left my N husband of 7 years and am in hiding not knowing what he will do and I feel horrible.I was isolated from any of my friends who was a threat to him and he was overprotective in the name of love. He always looked for perfection and anything would flare his anger. I wouldn’t know when to expect the worse. It was literally living in fear of what would change his mood. My life depended on one man’s mood.Right now, Its like this roller coaster of emotions all in one. Fear, love, lonely, guilty.. Thankfully I had a lot of support so I could get out of the house. It’s just been a week that I left- when he was out of station. He has been sending me emails asking me to come back and that things will change. I don’t trust him and I have not replied to any of them. I have disconnected any kind of contact with him , his family and his friends. I hurt but I know if I go back I will either get killed or will go insane. He has hurt and humiliated me many time- physically, psychologically and emotionally but the blame always come to me. He says that I turn him into a demon.
I’m learning to be kind to myself and to give myself a chance to heal.I know it will take time but I will get there.
I am struggling with if and how to directly say goodbye. I finally set a boundary which was met with a wrath of disrespect, projecting, and verbal abuse b/c of which i ended the conversation. When i did phone at a later date to offer support they screamed ‘dont fucking call me again’ twice. So like a fool i offered again via answering machine (i know big mistake ive been told) I also set clear boundaries that they could call but phone only emails would not be read or returned. Of course many emails went unread to trash. So after 0 response to those they finally called offering an apology only for the later yelling at me (not the previous disrespect and verbal abuse or the disrespect of boundaries. It was apologizing for the yelling followed by much justification and self pity of their behavior of just how rough they had it at the time and how they’d also lost their best friend (sniff) So now what? I am confused as i did say that they could call so should i phone back and directly end it or just not respond to such a non apology? Ive been raised that you say things to people directly and yet everything ive read says dont bother saying anything to a narcissist just cut your losses and move on. I also dont like to hurt people regardless of how much they have hurt me. I know saying directly that i dont want to be in the relationship anymore would hurt them deeply. I am not one who believes that narcs are evil. I believe that they are deeply psychologically wounded, mentally ill people. I am also raised that you dont leave a friend when they are suffering or b/c they are ill. A friend is there for you. Guilt. Also that a friend will tell you the truth which such confrontation is not recommended with a narc. So hard to know what to do and how to do it.
Confused: It is amazing the things we tell ourselves to justify behavior, things like, “I was raised to…” is just an excuse to stay in contact and stay invested. Your situation is a no brainer. Your narcissist doesn’t need you to say goodbye and wrap it up nicely. All you would do there is ask for more abuse. They don’t comprehend your needs and desires – your wanting to end it does not compute – do you understand. All that would happen is you will get more abuse and they will go out of their way to prove to you just how wrong you are. No contact is a language they understand. It does get worse before it gets better and you have to get tough and start sticking up for you and what’s best for you. You don’t owe them an explanation – they already know. They are actually surprised you’re still there, still putting up with their bs. You don’t have to ‘be nice.’ You’ve tried that. You’ve tried everything I bet – except walking away for good. It’s time you tried that.
Thank you Savannah for your blog and also to the hundreds of comments. I am in the tiny minority of men who have realised the type of relationship they are in and managed to put a label on it. I fear that male victims of narcissism are just as common as females – it is just that many more men are prepared to ignore the situation, not seek help, not talk to friends and just put up with it. After all, isn’t it expected that “the woman gets her way or there is hell to pay?” The female narcissist may not be physically violent but her armoury of psychological weapons is formidable. She is very cunning and manipulative. She boils the frog alive very slowly…
I won’t bore you with the details, the relationship with my wife has the hallmarks of most of the respondents here. My life just seemed to be ebbing away. No motivation, inability to make decisions, always being wrong, always being blamed. Little wonder that depression was a regular visitor. A year ago (2015) my then 17 year old son told me (as we were going to the airport to collect her after she’d been a month away overseas) that he didn’t want her to come home. The message didn’t shock me – the fact that he was able to verbalise it did. First independent indication that things were not as they should be. Fast forward a year. I didn’t know which way to turn. I was miserable. No friends to turn to. No family that I could talk to. In desperation I turned to Google. The only way I could formulate what I was feeling was “Stockholm Syndrome”. Fortunately it didn’t take long to find my way to descriptions of narcissm. Immediately I found resonance. I was reading about my life as “supply”. This was about 8 weeks ago. Since then I have been an avid (but covert!) reader of websites, books and blogs on the subject. As my knowledge on the subject deepened, my outlook on life improved. From being a victim without any understanding of the dynamics of my dysfunctional relationship I changed to a feeling of (relative) empowerment. After all, I wasn’t the only one feeling like this. It isn’t my fault. There is hope. There is a way out.
I have gone from stage zero to stage three in six or eight weeks. I am planning my future. I now need to plan the logistics of who goes where – where my son will live, where I will live. But at least I am moving forward.
I’m from England. Been here 16 years. Green card application fell thru after my job closed its doors. Been with a Narcissist for 10 years (a 6 month gap and a 9 month gap in there when I couldn’t take it anymore, got out). I came back! Repeatedly. He reeled me in with a “you’re my one true love:. I found a journal and yes i did snoop but saw he had written he has guys on the side, and HE EVEN CALLED ME BY THE SAME PET NAME HE CALLED HIS PREVIOUS BF. Can you imagine? Yes you can. He dangled marriage like a carrot, knowing full well it would remove all my anxiety over not having security here – and give us a real chance. Made me homeless repeatedly, even after our house burned down in an electrical fire and we moved into his Narc parents house. (I was born into the spiders web of NPD, takes years to realize for many, I am also an empath and learned this a little too late…but not so late that I don’t have a shot again at my own life.
Without papers, without car, I was moved into a remote location and then the torture began.
Whoever said “get out of the dungeon you are living in”…thank you.
I likened it to having an invisible chain around your neck. Your love for this person will be used against you. Anyone who cannot handle an inch of conflict or criticism will never grow up. People who don’t love themselves will HATE you for loving them, and never believe it. So it’s a losing battle. Who should “fight” for love? I thought love meant never quitting, boy was that wrong.
Gave notice yesterday move out in a month, with no plan, no friends now, isolated and depleted financially, emotionally on every level. He took all his stuff (he either turfed me out when he had the power, or else kept running away and living in his car) so that helped.
There is light and dark on this planet, and we have to remain vigilant as to who has our best interests at heart and who doesn’t. It’s not always how it seems.
If you sense something is wrong, LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, it is likely to be right and remember that you should never be loving for the both of you. Love isn’t 50-50 it’s two people 100% invested.
We have this. We are better than these bizarre alien type viruses walking around disguised as humans. Some days I pity them, other days I see the malevolent choices and realize that’s their karma. We run the risk of becoming narcissist being around the nasty tactics of dirty fighters.
We’re all going to die eventually anyway, but don’t choose the Long Slow Death of being around someone who just cannot see how beautiful you are.
How I got closure with my Narcissist. Everything that you guys are saying I’ve been going thru for the pass solid 7 months. In fact I accused him of being a narsisst when I first met him. We moved quickly largely because of me, I hadn’t been in a relationship for 12 years prior, so when I met him I was thrilled. He was smart energetic sweet, really cute, willing to do anything I wanted to do. Would FUCK me all night if I wanted that. But that shit changed like 3 months in. I couldn’t do anything right even if I would get down on all 4s and bark like a fucking dog. Lmao…. I felt like I had did something wrong to make him change his feelings towards me. So I broke it off because of his verbal abuse towards me. So like a fool thought about what he said and came to the conclusion that he was right and went back to prove to him that he was right and I was wrong. I stared buying cloths evenings out, picking him up from his house taking him places, letting him use my car I even give him money one time. Bought all the food paid for movie tickets, I talked so sweet to him I made myself sick. not to mention fucking his brains out. Then I started to notice he was only happy when I was waiting on him. If said or did any thing that made him the slightest upset he’d cut me off for a week and wouldn’t call or text. He’s mother asked me to call her. She explained how she feared he might be bi Polar so i researched it. And I’ll be damned he’s both narcissistic/bi polar. The symptoms where painted all over this man like a Monet. Mad at the world, hates his mom, blames every one for his fails, thinks he’s the shit, hypo sexual hypo energetic, smart, won’t shut the fuck up about himself, substance abusing and wasn’t scare of shit and has a criminal record to prove it. SHIT! I’m FUCKED. So I keep reading and researching to see if it’s any thing that I need to be or do to help me keep my lover/friend/possible husband maybe…. Then I see that these ppl don’t feel shit for the ppl their with it’s infatuation or need, they move on quickly and some even CHEAT. Wow! …… after being on the other end of his abusive blame game stick. I knew article like these where serious and for real… reading how some of these women were crying and left wondering why these men just left them high and dry for no real reason, some even left them for other women. So I started plotting my exit. . I still care about this man so i allowed my self to feel anger when he talks shit. I stayed quiet. Let him vent, let him sleep, fucked him fed him. Just observed him to the point where he even said ” what’s up? Why you looking at me that”. Me: no reason poo.. The last straw happened when he hadn’t called me in two days and when he did it was a text saying he was in a fight and got Robbed.. but when I called to find out what happened he wouldn’t answer my calls or text for a whole day, just left me to worry. When He finally called I was so upset I told him how I felt about his in consideration he HUNG up in my face. So I let it go. for the next month I said nothing. I was like Tina Turner and he was ike minus the ass whooping. I gather slowly everything I eva bout his ass. I manipulated his mind to bring me my shit back, by either asking if I couldn’t borrow it or see it. I snuck back all my jewelry while he was sleeping and claimed he lost it when he was high.. When I was good and tired and had Enough iSent him a text saying may peace be with you. Duces, I’m out. It’s quitting time….. its not much but it help me get me back. It wasn’t easy, I will miss him but not more then being with him….. He maybe bi Polar/ narcissistic but I’m a women scored and Hell has no fury like a women scored. Listen to your Gut . It doesn’t lie.
I moved my entire life across country from New Jersey to California to be with a man that I thought was a good man. Low and behold he is a narcissist to a freaking T!!!! He never once has accepted responsibility for anything he’s done that’s gone awry. He is like a 34 year old child who stomps around when he doesn’t get his way. He goes to work every single day but comes home and expects me to wait on him hand and foot which doesn’t fly with me because I work 40 hrs a week, do all the house work and care for our 6 dogs (2 of which are his) and he refuses to even take a walk around the block. He is extremely lazy when he comes home because a he’s smoking weed all day. When I moved here I found out that he was occasionally smoking meth, boy was I in for it!!!! I told him, I will not accept this! The weed is one thing!! Meth is another! No way!!!!! So he sneaks around and thinks I have no idea when he comes home high on meth (once every 3-5 months). Now I’ve found text messages and emails where he is trying to sleep with other women and I’m not sure what his obsession with anal is! I’ve found pics of nude men and I’m wondering is he bi or gay or is it a power trip thing? I am so tired of him screaming and yelling at myself and the dogs all the time and never helping at home. He owns his own business and I go as far as coming there on Saturdays or Sunday’s to help him get work done so he is ahead the following week. It’s never appreciated. He’s a slob and I’m lining up my ducks to leave this idiot. So tired of his excuses. I forgot to mention his mom is in the last stages of Alzeihmers and it all started when my BF was 18 and is now 34, he blames what’s happening to his mom as to why he smokes meth and is unable to be happy. He displays every single characteristic of a narcissist and tells me his mom took up for him every time he was in a pickle while growing up, whether he was wrong or not and she never asked him to clean up after himself or taught him to do his own laundry. They’re from Lebanon so it’s starting to make sense. I feel like his mom ruined his perception of reality and any chance of him having a relationship with an American woman. I’m so done!!!
Please help me how to find the space of getting angry?? I fee like my heart is being cut from my chest every single time he hurts me and every time I end it,,, so I always come back to him. I don’t know how to begin the first stage even tho I’m so aware of what he’s doing. Despite my struggles this is a beautiful article and I am so grateful to find it.
I finally got away from my horrible NARC and have never been happier!!
I can remember how I would cry because I could never understand what I did to deserve his be behavior, the constant put down and just plain mean/nasty.
As with everyone else on this post my NARC fit the description to the T too. EVERYTHING WAS I/MINE never ever ours.
The constant lying (although he was good at even fooling me for a long time). And of course EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT, NEVER EVER HIS NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS. He could DO NO WRONG(WHATEVER MORON!!).
Well about 14 years into the 16 year marriage I decided to Google to find out what type of illness causes a person to lye about everything. Yes, he’s a chronic lier but the more I found out the more the word Narcissist came up, WOW was I dumbfounded but so happy to know it was never me. I then started working at night so I wouldn’t have to see this moron and worked on a plan to leave. It took about a year(these A–H—-are definitely conniving little sneaks who’ll do anything to ‘get even with you’ only because it will ruin their personification to their friends and they CAN’T HAVE THAT HAPPEN). He was also an adulterer because, you guessed it, it was my fault he had to look elsewhere for sex–BARRF-MAKES ME SICK) So knowing he was again cheating on me I put my plan into motion and caught the Narcissistic A–H— in my own home no less. When I caught them it was all I could do to not bust out laughing and keep up my anger at him. My heart was 100 times lighter and the weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that I now had the perfect weapon to get rid of him for good. After all he wouldn’t dare look back in front of this female, right?? He had to keep face by being the ‘poor picked upon man, and how could you have stayed with her for so long Bull Sh–‘. As i said, it’s now been over a year and I’m back to being my happy, self assured self…I’M ME AGAIN!!!! On more note on this moron, he contacted me about 6 or 8 months ago and asked me how I was(LOL)and when I told him I was fantastic his whole demeanor changed and he immediately became very abrupt telling me then file for a divorce (I can’t yet due to $$)so I told him to do it himself(again LOL-a NARC doing this would mean making me look like I’m the bad person and I have too much on him for that to ever stick) I do plan on it soon though. Anyway, my point to this was that when the moron found out how happy I was he didn’t want any parts of that..AWESOME!!
I hope my story on this will help everyone who’s telling themselves ‘but I love him’ because that love will always be one sided and I don’t think anyone reading this wants to be in this type of relationship. When you’re finally on your own again you’ll finally see he/her for who they truly are and then you’ll be able to get back to being your own true self!!!
This article has definitely made me feel a lot better about myself and ending the relationship with the guy. I just still find it weird that a human could act this way. And I wish could find more answers to why narcissists become one. I know I’ll never get the closure I want from him, but still. Thank you for this article.
I really appreciated the your article. It spoke right to me. Even though I am a man in a relationship with a NP the experiences are exactly the same. It is crazy when I think of how a 125 lb woman have so much control over a 240 lb guy. Well, I am learning now, it’s emotional and mental control. I guess you can say I am in a relapse, I had, unknowingly, gone through pretty much all the stages you write about but felt guilty because of something I did when we split. It as a bit too soon for me and that guilt lead me back and gave her all the leverage she could ask for. I have bent over backwards because of it, but now after reading the article and thinking back at all the things I’ve had to put up with I am finding myself to be a little more brave and maybe with a bit of anger, but in a way to protect me not to harm anything or anyone. I have suffered so much when we break up, which have been numerous times, but she is about herself and only her feelings and her wellbeing. Until now that I begin to read on narcissism and codependency am I able to see what my friends and family have been telling me and what I have actually been living through for he last few years. Putting my interests first seems like the logical and simple thing but It’s definitely harder than a normal person would think. I would literally do anything to stop her from doing things to herself or from leaving me. She had that down to a t, but now I hope that I can fill my mind with enough knowledge about what I am going though and listen to stories and insights that can actually change my way of thinking and being. Thank you
Thank you for this article! It spoke to me in so many ways. I was in a relationship with a Narcissist for 7 years, although I am just coming to realize he is a Narcissist. The reason I stuck around was because we had a child together and I wanted to help him heal. I literally felt like I died, I was so worried about being who he would love that I forgot to be who I would love. I gave up everything that I loved to do what he wanted me to and it was still never enough. When I stopped being that person, he shut down and eventually moved on QUICKLY! The new relationship does not bother me, even though he cheated, I was actually relieved when he told me. Now I am ready to move on with my life but how do you do it with a child? He knows that if it has to do with our son, I will cave and he uses that to his advantage. He offers to pick him up from school and bring him to my house saying he just wants the time, but then once he is here, he starts to use the same old tactics to make me upset and I literally have gotten to the point where I Despise seeing him. I almost feel like leaving the area would be what is best for my son and I because I feel like he is using him as a pawn to keep control over me. He will come for an hour and spend all of 10 minutes with our son, the rest of the time he is trying to talk to me or ask for more things around the house. How do I detach from him without withholding my son? Or is it better if I detach both of us from it? Thank you so much!
Thank you for a wonderful article Savannah and to everyone for sharing your personal and poignant experiences and pain. I would like to share mine.
I am in stage one. Have been involved and in love with a NP for 10 years. Classic start to the story: he was charming, swept me off my feet, proposed to me within first 3 months. Went downhill from there with his cheating and constant lies. I am a senior executive and live the light life with doctors, so by association gave him the status he loved. He never loved ME though. We could never have a healthy argument. Expressing my feelings was stressful for him, he only wanted peace. It was all about him. He would be grandiose in describing himself and his daughter and would grossly exaggerated their salaries and accomplihsments. He was Jeckyl and Hyde. One time he kicked me out of his house at 10:30 p.m. on a Friday night because he was terribly angry that I was getting sleepy and he wanted to Fing party. He would kick me out of his bed and tell me to get the F out of his house at 3 a.m. if he woke me up and I asked him nicely to put his snoring machine on. He wouldn’t help me when I moved..it was too stressful for him. Yet demanded I be his slave when he moved from Calgary to Ottawa. He had multiple women everyone, would profess his love, even book arrangmement for our wedding, meanwhile sexting a colleague and going on Tinder for hookups, all the while trying to cover his tracks. Then he continually told me, when I got angry, that I needed to “fix myself”. He demanded I get counseling. Each therapist told to run, not walk, from this man – a classic sociopath narcissist. They pegged him in the first 5 minutes. He has NO soul, NO feelings at all. He calls me a hag, berates me, calls me psycho, treats me like crap. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. I had a neglectful childhood, maybe that is why I endured his abuse. he is so insecure, has to drive an Infiniti and fly first class to maintain an image, all the while he is almost bankrupt. he is so insecure, he constantly craves attention from other women and was screwing them behind my back, all the while putting his mask on and pretending he was a faithful fiancé to me and others. He is sick, he truly is. His latest cheating stunt has repulsed me even more, and I am glad it happened because it has forced me for the first time to internalize what intellectually I have known for a long time: he will NEVER change. I have been in love with a fantasy and a hope. He never has and never will love me. he constantly disrepsects me and even puts his whores above me, calls me psycho when I call them sluts who are only looking for a baby daddy they think is rich. Lol. They will find out. the only good news is that his personal reputation is now so bad due to my connections that he is not getting any jobs. Everyone knows that he is a manipulative liar and cheater with no morals, no character and no integrity. Oh, I love Karma!!! He has a bad hip, so even better. I look at him now with such disgust over the STDs he is given me, the pain, the humiliation, the embarrassment. I love the fact I am disgusted by him now because it is helping me to move ON. I keep holding on to disgusting images of this clown as my brother calls him, and it helps me. He is so pathetic. I know I need to put my big girl panties on now and continue to walk away from this piece of lying Sh&%. I was so scared of being alone, that is the only reason I never left. We had amazing times , buter
All of your advice really resonates with me. I have initiated no contact and a divorce and I am starting to focus on myself, that’s something I haven’t done in forever!! Thanks for the advice, it’s like your talking about my N specifically! Lol x
Wow! I always knew something wasn’t right with him but he somehow managed to make me believe otherwise. That was my boyfriend of 5 years. Two years long distance and 3 living together. I moved to another county to be with him well, because he wasn’t going to do it. I quit a job I was at for over ten years well, because he wasn’t going to quit his and I needed to show HIM how serious I was about the relationship. I found out he was an alcoholic after moving in with him because his reasons for drinking so much before I moved in was because it was the weekend and he was relaxing. It was so bad I actually had him arrested for coming home drunk and I knew he drove himself home. That was just the beginning of many problems he had. He was full of one excuse after another and somehow I was to blame for all of the problems we were having. He would tell me I wasn’t there for him like he needed me to be and I still wasn’t showing him how much the relationship meant to me. I was not allowed to go out without him being there or meeting the people I would be going out with first, like I was a child who had to get their parents permission. When we went shopping for food we had to buy what he wanted or we would leave with a half empty cart. He was never romantic even though he would ask what kind of romance I wanted, he never did anything I wanted. He would buy me gifts then the next day would find a reason to be upset with me then take them back and blame me for it. Whenever we would get into an argument he would ask me to repeat what happened and if I didn’t give the correct chronological order of how it went down then I was to blame for all of it because I couldn’t even get the story right. It was hell being with him. I’m glad I got out. I was caught up in trying to prove my worth to him when it was never going to matter. I was never going to matter. I was a piece in his game of life.
Two months ago I ended a relationship with a narcissist, since then every week nasty emails, relentless attempts to contact me. Now he says he is sorry it’s all his fault and wants to make it work. I have put up with 6 years of this and deserve better. Lies, devalued me and everything had to be his way. My question is WHEN will he stop trying to contact me….
Thank you all for posting.
Even when it hurts, at least we are human and capable of growing, intimacy and true love.
These Narcs will always be empty inside regardless of all the material things and people around them (who haven’t got to know them) or whatever lie they tell others or to themselves.
Deep down the Narc I knew understood he had never loved anyone in his 35 years of life. I consider that enough punishment. Just like the myth of Narcissus, they are doomed never to love anyone in their life much less themselves. An aberration. I do not wish anyone to be around them for long, they destroy everything that is good around them.
On the other hand we can heal and feel joy once again, and be productive members of society.
I think these people are like a cancer.
Thank you for this article. My head has been spinning since January over the behavior of my now ex-girlfriend…. yes, female narc. The description is almost word for word. I met her at work about a year ago. She is very pretty and very friendly, but we only crossed paths briefly here and there, and neither of us made any advances. One day, she was there in front of me, and we began to chat, and I asked if she was single. She was, so I asked for her number. We texted for a few days, and then met for a date. That was mid November. She was very good to me. Communication was very good. I felt she was genuine, and cared for me and appreciated me. The holidays were incredible. I felt like I had really met someone I could stay with. She thought about me and told me where she was all the time; asked how I was and if I needed something. Then it literally just stopped from Friday morning to Saturday night, and I didn’t even see her. She got cold and distant, and a week later told me she needed time to herself, but we weren’t breaking up and I didn’t do anything wrong. I gave her the space she asked for, and patiently waited, believing she was overwhelmed with too much in her life like she said. A month later, after flip flopping around but not really spending any time with me, she got cold and distant again and broke up with me after I said good morning. I would see her at work, and it was like I didn’t exist. I didn’t get it. Nothing happened, and she said nothing happened, yet she treated me horribly. Then, a month later; just last week, a co-worker tells me she is flirting with my boss when I’m not around. I think back to how we got together, and if she is flirting openly with him, she’s already got him. So now I have this mess on top of it. Everyone we work with knew we were a couple…and now she is with my boss…who of course knew it too. What kind of people am I dealing with???? Obviously a narc and her targets. No care about any of this reality and what it looks like. Even knowing all this about her, and how I am in no way at fault, I feel sick to my stomach.
I have to consciously work at letting go all day and it just isn’t right.
I am a product of a narc mother (I am the oldest of 5, raised 4 sibs until we went into foster care) now just ended a relationship with my narc Husband of 16 years (who I thought was the only person left who really loved me- and was my “high school sweet heart). I will spare you the details of my torture, as my head is still clouded. I began my research journey of the narc about a month ago and started to really consider leaving, then the perfect storm presented itself and I made a solid decision to leave a week ago; I opened a PO box, cancelled bank transfers (something has always been off about him and even after being together since we were 14/16 I still would NEVER got a joint account with him) reached out to some friends for a place to stay, got off work 2 hours early went home and packed (taking just the minimum and ALL paperwork- I handled the finances for the first 15 years of our relationship, he just checked in when I got “too depressed”) and I am happy to announce I am FREE and will NEVER return!!! I have so much damage control to do as I still have not undergone therapy for my childhood, now I have to pick up the pieces of my adulthood as well. I must first find myself deep down in this shell, then attempt to rebuild her- I’m only 32 and I feel 60!!! I will pray for everyone in this forum to dig deep to find their strength to get the hell out of that dungeon you are living in. Love and Blessings to you all. xoxo C.
This is sooo true. .
Thought I was the only one seeing these ..
I consider the love that i felt for the narcissist as “appliance love”(I did’t fall in love with a real man, only the illusion he created). The “appliance” comes into your life, all shinny and new! It can do things no other appliance you ever had can do, and even has features you didn’t realize. IT IS AWESOME. It makes you feel great, it does things you never thought an appliance could do. You use it all the time, it is part of your everyday (how did you live without it). You LOVE it! After some time, some of the settings stop working, parts of the plastic start to crack. After some more time, it just stops working.. It has lost it’s shine, it is cracked and “broken”. It sits on your bench for a while, and then one day you realize that you have piece of junk around the house adding no value, just sitting there uselessly. Some people are hoarders and don’t like to throw things out (just in case they will be useful in the future – or it may magically work again!). But eventually you throw out the rubbish, because it does not belong in your house, let alone your life, looking at it reminds you of what a failure IT is.
Good article.
I’ve been married for 10-1/2 years, together for 12. I’ve been living this hell far too long. I had been freed of him for 9 months last year (the idiot went to prison), I filed for divorce and was awarded full physical and legal custody of my 3 boys. Then, he got out. He caught me at a vulnerable moment and I let him come back, not to work things out. But to help him get back on his feet. BIG MISTAKE. he is right back to where he was and I feel like I have few options.
I know that if I force him out, he will stalk us. I can’t deal with that stress and 3 toddlers on my own. I’m stuck with a man I hate. The sight of him sparks rage. His voice. Just him. I hate him. He’s dragged me through hell.
All I have is faith. The thing is, everything is mine. House and most possessions. But I don’t care. He can have it. But he has no job, so it’s not that simple to walk away. Otherwise I would. Not to mention my boys. They idolize him. Makes me sick. I don’t want to hurt them. But I can’t take it anymore. Sigh.
WONDERFUL ! ACCURATE ! UPLIFTING!
I’ve finally reached stage 4.I never thought it would happen. Starting early is the way to go.I know he will be reaching out soon( he is so ” seasonal ” .I don’t sleep at night, but I’m doing yoga, walking and having great days.I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m hoping I’m in the end stages of a brief relationship with a narcissist. The relationship has been short – almost 6 months – and the last two months have left me broken, battered, bruised and ashamed. He is a lawyer, we met on Facebook, chatted for two months before meeting for an idyllic few days early november. The sex was the best I’ve ever had, he is one of the best looking men I’ve ever seen and wow he knows exactly what to say and when to say it. I’m 50, he’s 53. I’m married, he’s divorced. After our physical meeting he stayed in daily contact for two months. New year he began reducing our contact, and I started noticing a lot of women leaving comments on his Facebook page. I then learned he had a Brazilian ex-girlfriend, and I wonder if he’s not the same man referred to in an earlier comment on this page. I have now discovered he had a relationship with another woman he met in Facebook, and she moved countries to be with him. They lived together for six months, and she returned to her home country but stayed in touch with him. It appears he ended the relationship with her when he started chatting to me – she then vanished from Facebook. I am slowly moving into stage three, because instead of grief I’m getting angry about being ignored for long periods and I’m feeling like a fool. Worst of all is the guilt I feel about betraying my husband… I fear living with this guilt will be my punishment for committing adultery with a Narcissist. Your page has been such a help to me, as have all your stories. I wish these people did not exist to hurt us all so badly, and I am glad my relatiosnhip with him lasted months, not years.
I’m finally in stage 4. Getting closer every day.The great thing is, he has no idea and doing it under cover , my own way seemed to work best for me.Sometimes you need to leave slowly ……I feel so sorry for the new supply( I know what they will haveto endure)
I understand. I gave in a few times myself and was sorry I did, but it takes a few times until you work up disgust and humiliation. I needed to be shown, convinced one last time. That final time, he didn’t realize I was done because I still showed tears and hurt which a Narcissist enjoys having evoked such emotions. He continued to be in touch thinking he lowered my expectations of him but still had me. But a day or two later I saw my self worth and was glad for the experience. I had to be that low to pick myself up. I cut off his number, texts, changed my email. I feel nothing but loathing at the cruelty he inflicted. I see no good anymore, not an ounce. I see the person I cared about as dead. I cried the last cry, how dare he, now see him as insignificant. The only thing that still bothers me is how long I held onto the hope while he kept me at bay. When I look at the 2 years I know him, I spent so little time with him. He held me off with excuses, needing space and I gave it. All while doing what he wanted behind my back. My thinking that it all meant more to him than it really did. That I made more of it than it really was.
Hi guys, like you all I have read through pretty much all of your comments and feel the same. The penny has finally dropped that I’m married to a controlling, manipulative narcissist. For the last three years I’ve always had a sense that something isn’t quite right, arguements are never resolved, I get the silent treatment, I’m always to blame and it’s always me who ‘has to change’, they won’t go to counselling, they are amazing, great at their job, everyone else is stupid and below him. He’s so arrogant and thinks very highly of himself. I’ve had three years of feeling like I’m losing my mind and walking on eggshells to make sure said husband is happy and his life as stress less as possible at MY OWN DETRIMENT! There’s too much to write down here but I’m out. I’m done with feeling this way. I’ve tried my best and if it wasn’t for my daughter I would’ve left a long time ago. So 5 days ago things came to a head over me wanting to join the gym. We’ve not spoken or slept in the same bed since. We’ve said hi, bye and talked about our daughter and that’s it. The difference this time is I refuse to slip into ‘normal’ and forget it like before. I’m onto him but I’m biding my time and making a plan to get out as quickly as possible. First I want to get all my ducks in a row, see where I stand legally so that he has no ammo and nothing to fight me with. I’m guessing it’s going to take 3-6 mths but I’m willing to wait it out and have a sealed plan so that when that day comes I’m gone for good. Thank you for this article, I read it late at night and it’s all started to make sense. Love to you all while going through a living hell too. It grinds you down, stresses you out and causes so much anxiety. But no more, it ends here!
Hello to All,
I wanted to thank you for the article and for the site. I have read all the comments and know that I am not alone and with each passing day life gets better. I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship with a Narc. I just recently was able to get enough strength to end it and fight the battle of calls,texts, uninvited appearances from ex.,and his continuing effort to charm all of the people around me to “talk some sense into me”. Every other day it seems that I need to get an emotional respite to deal with it all. I have let my family and friends know what’s going on,to help me when I feel weak or low. And even called the domestic abuse hotline to talk,get counseling, and advice if it needs to get legal. Even though I was lucky that we had no kids and I never allowed him to move in to my house it did not stop him from weaseling his way into every area of my life, doing this made him feel confident that I would not be able to cut ties with him. I take each day, one day at a time, slowly gaining back the person I was. I know that I am a beautiful, intelligent, kind and confident person, how did this happen? How did I lose myself, my confidence, into a person that I no longer recognized. A very charming Narc saying and doing all the right things. Eventually the lies,cheating, broken promises, jealously, belittling, temper tantrums got to much and drained to much energy to the point I was physical sick and could not get out of bed. I finally got the strength after a year in stage 3 to end it. I still have to work to get him completely removed from my life, but each day I make a little progress and do not feel scared or that I am walking on eggshells any more. I hope that all the people that have been affected by a Narc can find strength to leave and know that the are deserving of a healthy love.
I am currently involved with an NPD. He is a lawyer….let’s just call him JMak1 to protect me. We have been together for 3 years now and I pin pointed his illness almost immediately. Needless to say his power was greater than mine. He has a big beautiful house and even gave me my own room stocked full of brushes curling iron blow dryer and slippers all which belonged to his “ex Brazilian crazy girlfriend”. He would shop for me and buy extravagant gifts. Last year we went to Maui Cabo Puerto Rico and Vegas and Dubai. I felt guilt tripped but he would not refuse me anything. Sex was the best ever and I thought he was a blessing. About a year in his mood changed. He became very demanding of my time and expressed a deep hate for people as he was “up here” and the general public was “down there”. I began to see an ugly person. He started insulting me and calling me ungrateful. I was shocked by this behavior…He then bought a Maserati and said baby I’m leaving you this in my will …. as bribery for me to stay. I began to suspect cheating which I confirmed and now I just want to get away. I came to find out there are many other girls some 25 years younger than him. I need help leaving.
I am at the point I have chosen to leave and it’s almost like I have lost interest in wanting to try anymore. Our differences became the wide divide and I can no longer cope with the nasty comments, the control, the mental and emotional abuse and of course the comments that were made about the one thing in my life that he knows means so much to me. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was supposed to call him at a certain time yesterday and I forgot, prior to this I got an early am sms to call if I was up and that is wasn’t Urgent. I was so tired so I waited. I got a call at 10.10am and thought Oh God I’m late and of course I knew what to expect and it did happen. I’d also been deep in thought about the comments he had made about a particular subject, that being animals, and it was like I was being kicked and insulted for loving my animals as much as I do and the way he had in mind to raise and train a dog (if he had one) scared the bee jeebies out of me. It was like the end was already signed and sealed for me. He did me a favor to be honest.It gave me the strength to run and never look back. I now have to get him to collect his things from my shed (We don’t live together – which is a blessing really and he has been using my large shed for storage) and then I can make everything final and remove his number from my phone and never look back EVER.
I could have copied and pasted nearly every response here and made it my own. Even though I have been scouring and researching narc behavior I still find myself shocked at how alike they all are when I was so sure I was alone in my private hell. I was unknowingly married to a narc for 16 years. Finally hit stage 4 and left, only to end up with another less than a year later that makes the first look like a Disney character. In the beginning he was so charming and insisted he was amazed at how meant for one another we were and how I understood him like no one ever had. I was baffled he was single (he wasn’t) and felt like somehow he had waited his whole life for me. He was illusive and I would not hear from him for days. When I tried to end the relationship of texting and phone calls (he wouldn’t meet me in person, always making up excuses) he confessed he had a drug problem. Instead of running screaming as I should have it endeared him to me more. The ferocious need to fix him and make him whole kicking in. We met, he moved in with me shortly after. I found out he had left his wife in another country over 10 years ago and was still legally married. Then I started noticing him hiding things on his computer, phone, facebook , etc. I confronted him and he was enraged. Told me I was crazy, insecure and jealous and if this was to be our life he wanted nothing to do with it. I doubted myself. Then one day I figured out the password to his computer. He had been sexting hundreds of women. I kicked him out. I had no contact. I was disgusted. He showed up crying two days later, begging for another chance. Telling me tragic stories of his life that had made him this way, but I had changed him and he swore things would be different, I would be able to fully trust him and he would never hurt me again. I fell for it. And the roller coaster began again. I would see things that didn’t add up and I knew he was being unfaithful, I would confront him, be told I was crazy and insecure. We would break up, get back together and things would be ok for a short time. This went on for two years. Things seemed to mello out and I had false confidence in our relationship. He proposed in a very grand manner, playing the loving fiance and we were married. One week later I caught him messaging several women and using sexual innuendos. I kicked him out. He destroyed my house. I got a restraining order. A week later, even with the restraining order I agreed to meet him and once again was sucked back in. The cycle continued and I finally moved to another state. He begged to come too. He convinced me he just needed to get away from his childhood friends and family that fed his drug addicition(even though he had swore he hadn’t touched it while we were together) and the old flames that wouldn’t let him be. I fell for it. Been here two years. He is drug free, but still a serial cheater. He swears they mean nothing and I mean everything. Its not just the infidelity, he is textbook. The entitlement, the lack of empathy, he slept on the couch for months saying it was “nothing personal” he just was comfortable there, total emotional detachment unless I threatened to leave then he was suddenly attentive. He wanted to have a facebook again so HE suggested we have a joint account, that way there would be no secrets. He immediately began playing games and secretly contacting women….obvious strangers, looking for the same thing he was. We had it out. I told him I want a divorce. he is once again devoted, but I am not fooled. I know what he is and I know it will happen again. It is so easy to say “get out now and don’t look back” I would readily say it to each and every one of you without hesitation. It is much harder, however to be on the receiving end even when you know it is the right and necessary thing to do. This helps so much and gives us all the incredible strength it takes and know that we are not alone. Thank you Savannah.
I am in the same situation. It has been almost 6yrs and I have had enough. The problem is he is so cindictive that he will ruin what little of my life that I have left. I am on ssd due to some medical issues and I worry he will mess that up. I cannot return to work. He is so believable in his stories that everyone believes what je says. It makes me sick. You never know what mask he has on at any moment. I finacially cant afford to leave. He doesnt pay any of the bills but i do not make alot and I am stuck. Is there any help out there for this type of situation. Id rather not get police involved because he knows them and I believe it would make him worse. I know it would. I have children so i cant just walk out the door and not worry. I need help. Any suggestions?
I’m in a relationship like this and ned help with getting out. What should I do?
I am just now accepting my bf of two years is a narcissist. I started wondering about 3 months ago. I have up until recently always found reasons to believe he just had narasisstic tendencies, not the actual disorder. I’m scared of how I feel because I am now in phase two. His lies, his manipulating, his repeated broken promises is very obvious now. He is showing anger and some aggression at the change in my attitude with him. I won’t forgive him for something he did recently and have forgiven him for many times in the past. I live with him and allowed him to not only control all the finances but also everything is in his name. I cant leave until my recent ssd claim is approved due to disk problem that requires a 2nd surgery. Money earned up until now I entrusted to him. I liked his take over, controlling nature and felt secure with him….until he abandoned me in the most humiliating and demeaning way imaginable. He took off and blatantly had an on going off n on affair with his ex. She is a low life crack head and this started him on a life of on and off drug problems that fuel this insanity as well. I forgave him and after all this time, he still refuses to change and continues to go on n off with his feelings towards me. I feel 100 yrs older science this two yr relationship began. I have stood my ground and defended myself demanding respect yet allowed him to disrespect me the entire time. Now he’s having temper tamp trims because I’m not acting the way he thought I would. I’m scared he will my life he’ll before I can leave. I don’t what to do because I’m not by nature manipulating and can’t pretend I love him the way i did anymore. What a nightmare…I’m afraid I will give in out of being stuck here now but idk how I can knowing accepting and believing who he is now.
7 yrs after being with a Narcissstic bf, i find myself tonight sitting in a car with him telling him how so utterly upset i was that my family arranged a skype call without me, and he got out the car to go sit and look at the city view. and all he had to say later was “thanks for coming and sitting with me”. I wasnt in any space to be, i needed emotional support. Souinds small but in the end, it is ALL ABOUT THEM and you are only there to MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEIR LOUSY SENSE OF SELVES. Thats it in a nutshell. Boil it all down and do they upstage you emotionally, tell you you are oversensitive and invalidate your feelings or bail at first sign of adult conflict? you’re with a problem person and you really do have to get away. You’ll lose money time and self esteem. Life is a journey. DOn’ look back.
It’s very hard. I was married to one that was diagnosed by a therapist as a narcissist. To this day he calls me for an ego stroke. It’s been 5 years since we divorced. We are in business together and should be done by May of next year. After him I dated a few men that were completely different. However I wasn’t ready to be serious. Last January I met an older man that was a retired athlete. He was shy, 10 years older, kind and a bit of a nerd. We dated 8 month. At first his jealousy was cute. Then it became apparent that he was emotionally immature. His shyness (in public) was due to his emotional immaturity. He would see me at a restaurant talking to a man and test me by texting asking me where I was to see if I would lie. He would frequent restaurants to sit at the bar so that people would see him and ask for his autograph and take pics. If I didn’t answer my phone he would get upset. He would always accuse me of being out on a date. I explained that I had a life and if he wanted to see me he needed to make plans ahead of time. I started questioning myself. He almost got to me. After 8 months of the emotional abuse, I realized I was getting involved with a narcissists. The signs were evident. Charming at first to reel me in and then start the mind games to gain control. I had boundaries with him and that’s something he wasn’t used to as a narcissist. Being an athlete and having everyone praise him fed his ego. I ended it abruptly over text by telling him he was an a hole and to never contact me again. I blocked him so that I could really detach myself. For me Blocking these jerks is the best way to move on. Be strong and understand that they are not rejecting you. They are rejecting having to be a carrying, loving, respectful, human being.
All I can say is Wow…every post I’ve read so far is something that I can relate to personally, in some way or another. As with everyone who has commented I want to write my story too…22yrs worth :-/..
Here’s how we met: He came off as Charming, confident, not afraid to tell someone off, gave me all his attention, fell in “love” with me rather quickly (first Red Flag..I’m an Aquarius…for me it takes years to build friendships and trusting relationships), he could talk circles around people..(I admired that at the time because I was the complete opposite), he had this grandios persona, an untouchable quality which at the time I also admired. I observed all of this within the first three months of meeting him. Because we were both in the military, after the initial three months, we went back to our respective bases and started a long distances relationship… But at this point I was already ensnared by this “too good to be true” handsome looking single guy, a few years older than me. Funny thing is, I kept asking myself, why isn’t he taken yet? Another Red flag. Well, after the initial “hook” and yes we’d already slept together, I got a phone call, from a Mrs. XYZ, His Wife. Holy sh*t.That turned my world upside down. And that would be the first of Many Many upside roller coaster rides I would endure with this man. Needless to say, he talked his way out of that, surmised it by saying he never loved his wife of 6yrs an two kids the way he loved me. Etc etc, I tried to break free then, why the hell I didn’t I just can’t explain it. I became entangled in my feelings, then by the Extreme and utterly devasting heartbreak he put me through by finding out he was married. He became a fast talker, full of excuses, finger pointing (not to himself of course), self pity, whining about his own heartbreak…it was just a truly Crazy time… Well I accepted the apology. He divorced his wife, she left with the two kids and we were married three months after their divorce was final. Yes, I made my bed. I was at the alter crying my eyes out because I knew that I was going against my gut feeling. Please don’t ask why didn’t I just leave him…because this website says it all. He’s a Narc. He would not let me go, and when you’re young and in love, you just think it’s cool. And 22yrs later I’m Googling wtf did I marry? I’m here today because the marriage was never good. I don’t mean to say that there weren’t good moments, yes there were. We have two kids. But weighing everything, there’s always been more bad than anything else. And today, physically, I can barely take a deep breath, I have anxiety, when we argue, my heart palpitates and my hands shake. His manipulative, hes a cheater, yes he cheated on me. And I returned the favor! Then told him about it just to stick the same knife in his heart- but Stop right there, that’s the biggest mistake you can make. The first is cheating to get revenge, but even Worst than that is Telling a Narc that you cheated. You thought you were in hell before…well hell just got deeper, yes there’s a basement. Nonetheless, the infidelity was 7 years ago, now life is just unbearable. 4 mths he’s been sleeping in another room, there’s no love, no affection, no warmth. Nothing. The other day my kids verbally said, mom I love you, and the Narc mocked them, he literally mocked their words in a taunting manner. It’s disgusting, its utterly disgusting to talk about all the little petty, manipulative things Narcs do to boost themselves and get under ones skin. I need out because I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m depressed, can’t eat, very little sleep, I’m starting to work more hours just to be away from him, And he refuses to leave the home. He won’t even put the kids mental health above his own sick selfish twisted wants. After reading other posts tonight, for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why every time I made something ( I create artwork& costumes) he would always beat me to the punch and tell everyone that he made it, or cooked it, or sewed it…it’s the need for attention. He truly cannot stand it when I get compliments for my work. He would never compliment me when I looked nice going to work but he didn’t forget to give me the silent treatment and a dirty look either. I believe everything that everyone has shared because it’s happening to me too. There’s so much to share, but I’ve read enough to know that we’re all going through the same thing to one degree or another.
*Struggling to find peace.
I’ll write back when I do..
I’ve been involved with a narc now for nearly 7 years and know it will never change. But I find myself not being able to accept the reality of leaving for good and throwing away what I truly dreamed of having with him. I’m in desperate need of help. I’ve become so weak I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to walk away and keep him out of my life forever. I really need help.
Thank you so much for this read.
I met a man, last June, who swept me off my feet. Was affectionate, quick to praise and held me close both physically and emotionally. I had moved to a new city to start a PhD and knew no-one. It was an adventure and the romance an unexpected blessing. We shared similar interests, loved the outdoors, socialising and the conversation was inspiring and exciting.
I can pinpoint the day that he turned cold. At the three month mark he pulled away and so began the game of push and pull. I describe this feeling as though experiencing emotional whiplash. He has two teenage kids from a previous marriage and I give him lots of space and time to do what he needs to do. I get along really well with the kids and have the utmost respect for the relationship they have with their father.
We don’t live together, thankfully. It’s been one and a half years now and I realise that I should have ended the relationship last year. He is cruel and then kind. His ex-girlfriends feature largely in his life and there is a particular personality that he is still enamoured with. His mood swings and his temperament are sometimes unpredictable. I always make excuses for me, to myself. It’s his stressful job, the demands of his ex-wife, his health …
I have been told by him that I am too emotional, I feel too much and that I take things too seriously. I understand now that my heart is wide open and his completely closed. I am a strong, capable woman who has for some reason given my power over to this man. But I woke just this morning to realise that the time has come to pull away, and to take responsibility for the role I have played in this ‘relationship’.
I must be honest and say that I am concerned for the repercussions of my ending the relationship as we work for the same organisation, and he is in a senior role. I am privy to how he bad-mouths people and I can only imagine how he will pull me apart to his work colleagues and friends.
I have survived a cruel divorce, so I know that I can survive ending this. I have always said that I feel tangled in this relationship and the lure to stay has been like no other relationship I have experienced before.
Much love to you all, G.
I’ve been married to a Narcissist for 9 years now. The worse part is that he is a Narcissistic Cop. It took me years to figure out he was NPD. For years I thought he was bipolar except he wasn’t much of a drinker or excitable, but extremely moody. Swinging from an permanent sneer to bedroom eyes every few months. Then I thought he was just a mysoginist who just hated women. Now I know I’ve just caught him with his mask removed. It was the day we were married when I realized I married a devil. One extremely good looking, smooth talking, tall, self righteous, assh*ole. 3 years ago I started my plan to take care of my kids and started a PHD program. I’ve been taking the steps to detach and have moved out into my own condo which is double gated. I agree with all that was written. The most important thing is to have a rock solid plan other wise you’ll get sucked back in when the crocodile tears come.
I’m glad I’m not alone. I also have been in a one year relationship with a recovering, yet Functioning Alcoholic. I have always been an empath which means that I am able to read people’s thoughts and feel their emotions as if they are my own, I mean the first red flag was the alcohol and passing out anywhere and everywhere. I figured hey! Maybe he’s just tired and stressed out from work so I would pamper him and treat him like a king. I began to notice that he was getting used to what I could do for him, but he stopped playing his part. He went from Prince Charminv to Kermit the Frog. Lol! As months went by I began to see how miserable he was. I blamed myself thinking he wasn’t ready for a family and maybe I was putting too much pressure on him so I began to give him space, I noticed he was really needy and demanded that I’d sleep in the bed with him. I became so discusted by his energy I would become anxious and very shaky and at times I would feel nauseous. I would try to convince myself that I could be a little more understanding being as though I come from a spiritual back round. It wasn’t until I began to see the attitudes and the black could of energy that filled the room when he was present that truly made me experience a wake up call. Everything was about him. From his looks to his clothes and constantly dying his hair, also giving me dirty looks when I would get dressed and feel happy. I knew it was time for me to leave. I’m a pretty smart girl, but this time I refused to feel bitter, angry, or afraid. I felt I love myself more and never been the type to allow others to treat me inferior to them and I sure wasn’t having it with. I thought to myself who the hell does this man think he is? I could see right through him and I’m not judgemental, but he was pathetic. Anyways I left and began to focus on myself and my kids. It’s never too late to take your life back. No one is that important to waste your time and energy on if they are not adding to your growth nor complimenting your energy. YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!! I love you all! ❤️
After 3 years of hell and loving the N. I cute off all contact and changed my phone number. Because I was Brave enogh to choose me. It felt good but painful. But I don’t need to wonder where I stand because I can and will stand alone for me.take your power back. Good luck to all of use. I love this page.
My guy won’t go away. He says he is never leaving. I Block him, he uses work or home #. Shows up at house.. I dont want to get the police involed, because I don’t know for sure what personality disorder he has. But something is not right… Any suggestions on how not to blame him, but part in a nice way. I know how to deal with the pain, i dont know to deal with his not letting go sad behaviors.. I feel bad.. idk why i do that happens to me
I’m learning so much and the ex narc is still stuck. I have grown immensely in the past weeks and narco hasn’t changed at all. In fact, she has become more revealing in the narc traits. I’m the only one that sees it though. She still portrays herself as the perfect little victim. She is infantile and a scared little girl. I’ll be honest that I was scared of her in our relationship. Now, not so scared. I know so much now how she operates. It would be really strange to go back now. I would have to continually parent her and I’m not sure I want to do that with the rest of my days. Plus, she could leave again and get me back later. I’m keeping the high ground. I’m in the position of authority. It’s really a trip that I stayed so long. I guess I was being virtuous and did not want to leave my kids, and I’m Christian and we really don’t have outs in a marriage. I was willing to suffer. Be careful with the overly religious narc. They will use it to manipulate you. I know it sounds harsh, but true. They will stop at nothing. I’m talking about a sweet girl I met over 20 years ago and today, she is nothing of what I thought I was marrying. It’s sad, sad, sad.
I´ve been kick upside down by having a narcissist relationship. It went well for a while when I had no contact. unfortunately we work and have to live together fem time to time he keeps playing the games and although I try to be of stone its not easy reading all of this does help
Never have a seen such heartless and cold behavior. .i am definatly at stage 3 now. he couldn’t stop working in garage to hug me when I came home the day my father passed away last week. He fought with me the night before the funeral because I didn’t get him something he wanted from hardware store. I was looking for outfit for dad’s funeral. I knew that moment I have to leave..although things been going downhill fast..I need my life back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am sick of his lies and blame and fits of rage and tantrums. He is on 3rd dui house arrest with work release..all i do is drive his ass around..I don’t need this. I am better than this. He is laying on affection now to point I can’t stand it. Clinging and watching my every emotion and move. I can’t breathe. I need to grieve and take back my life. My heart hurts and I’m looking to God and my dads memory for strength and guidance. I know I am smarter than this but I feel stupid for the mess I’m in. :/
I have gone through what everyone else has gone through on this page and I have come to realise that these horrible, ill mannered people are the same and very predictable when you look closely. The most difficult to recognise are sociopaths. They are so good at masking it all but once in a while, pay close attention. You will see the mask slip off a bit, they have no empathy and the cold souless behaviour is ALWAYS there. I can spot them from a mile away and my blood boils. I am an empath so naturally, these souless creatures are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. My soon to be Narc ex husband is a text book narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. The things he has done to me I cannot articulate here for whatever reason. I am still healing and sometimes, my brain and spirit and can’t handle it. They shield me from accessing that information and emotions, I suffer from severe ptsd but am okay. I understand it’s to keep me safe. 11 years of damage to my psyche, I was suicidal, I had lost hope. I almost committed suicide but I couldn’t coz I was pregnant. Had it not been for the baby, I would not be here today. I couldn’t take with me an innocent life. A year later and a veeery loooong separation (his way of punishing me for leaving him), I am doing fine. I am very financially stable, I am healing and if someone had told me last year that I would be feeling like this today, I would have told them to leave me alone with my misery and go jump into a river. I believe in God, the consciousness in me and everything else, He is the one that has kept me going. No offence to anyone who doesn’t believe in God, one love still. There is hope, peace and light at the end of the tunnel. There is life after the narcissist. Some days are easier than others. I am at stage 4 now, he won’t divorce me. Blatantly refuses to do so, another way to punish me as well as keep the door open for himself then when it’s time, come back in uninvited. He is a high functioning narcissistic sociopath, very intelligent and charming. God knows how many women he has lied to. I ve caught him lying many times but you know what, at some point and that is for all of you who are suffering, you will reach a point where you just don’t care. All you want is to have him/her out of your life. This is where I am. Some days it’s hurts but not like in beginning, some are good, really good. When I see him, I am disgusted. I can’t wait for him to leave when he comes to see the kids. I don’t talk to him, I am actually happy when he doesn’t communicate whether it concerns the kids or not. He does nothing for them anyway, just pays them lip service.
They love him and I can’t take that away from them, I will never do that. Eventually when the are teens, they will see him for what he is and they will give him some safe distance. That is when I will teach them how to defend themselves against him. Right now, they are still too young to understand and he charms them anyway so I will let them enjoy his presence when he comes over. Bottom line is, am angry but a ‘healthy anger’ at all the narcissists and not taking b.s from anyone. E.g Some guy who doesn’t know am married but separated coz I didn’t wear a ring when he met me (and in a store where he works) tried to call me telling me about new stock then proceeds to ask me why I didn’t pick because he really wants to see me and it’s not about the furniture. He tells me I should drive over. Without thinking and naturally I asked him what exactly it was about, when he failed to articulate himself demanding that I go there, I told him he should behave like a mature person and not ask me about my why I don’t pick my phone because I owe him no explanation. I also told him not waste my precious time by asking me to visit his work place if it’s not related to business. He kept quiet on the other end as if shocked. This is how narcissists behave, they pull you in so quickly. I knew that he was going to try and charm me, love-bomb me so i set it straight for him. By nature, i am introverted and soft spoken so he thought that i would be all timid and soft when he told me to explain why i didnt pick up when he called. I met this person only once and that’s coz I wanted furniture from their store. How does it move from that to asking me why I don’t pick up my phone and asking me to drive over to see him over his personal issues? Before my healing, I would have been so concerned and overly polite to the extent of driving there just so I can be nice to him. This time, no! And everyone who rubs me the wrong way gets it from me and I tell you, I am brutally honest. I leave no stone unturned. My stb ex doesn’t like my new found confidence. He is wondering why I no longer need him around or speak softly when he asks me something. He is calling me arrogant and proud. Hahaha, Lol. Unbelievable! I like the new me, she is humble but fierce. He cant handle that i am stable now in everyway and doing netter than him because on the multiple times he discarded me, i was left broke. He has borrwed money he cant oay back and says he cant remember getting it from me. Never been there for me but still i fought, i told myself i would win by not breaking down. Thats what they want you to do. To break down and become incapable of handling fay to day matters, to cease to function. They are proud of that they tell their nect victim proudly nut with a spin on it. Something like “he/she really loved me and couldnt let go thats why he /she is broken and wasting away but i couldnt handle him/ her any longer , i think she just has issues That’s why am with you coz you make me happy and I feel so free with you.” CLASSIC! I am getting the respect I deserve. I no longer care about them saying I am not a good person. Hell that won’t kill me! They are evil yet they are still breathing , so will I. When you start to heal, this is what happens. Learn from your experience. If you don’t, this lesson will keep repeating itself in your life until you learn. That’s how the universe works. Let’s all learn once so we can have peace. I will come back and tell my story when I can access the memories without struggling so much. Hope it helps someone. Sorry for going all over the place. Hope its heard and understood. Thanks Savanna, great work.
Love to you all.
Dear all…
First, let me thank you for the article and reading all the comments, I want to thank all the women and men out there who took courage to step away from an abusive relationship. I know how much courage it takes, as I’m in the phase of moving away.
I was with the man for 2 years. We were having a long distance relationship, both having work in our home countries. At some point, I decided to move to his country, left my job, my home, family, friends, to live with him. I was blaming the distance for the distance in our relationship, him being warm / cold, distant or not. I depended on the fact, whether he felt I’m “completely in” – he went distant, or I’m thinking of leaving – he was there immediately, bashing with love, enthusiasm, care.. The first warning signs: “I love you” after a week, very expensive presents from start, but what was the most warning sign – my intuition. I didn’t trust him, I checked his phone, email, everything, not finding anything. He called me jealous, crazy, threaten to leave, being so sadden by my acts.. Well, after a year and a half, I moved to his town, found a job (luckily) and after a week of living together, found another phone (!!!) with everything there..My stomach turned 100000 times. Messages of dating prostitues, dating other women, etc.. He pleaded “guilty” admitting he had a problem, but doesn’t want to leave me, will do anything to “improve”.. Gave him the chance, it’s now half a year. In between I moved out (best thing I could do, he was crying like a baby).. In between – found his flirting on FB, found out he’s dating another woman, found out he’s still going to see prostitutes, but to me saying, he’s getting therapy. It hurts like hell… First, the resentment, that I left my life for him, than the fact, I trusted him, than the sadness how will I trust anyone again, and last fuck I lost my self- esteem completely. I need to pick me up every morning.. To pick me up and say to myself to be happy. Not crying every single day… And still cannot believe what happened. I have support from my friends, but there is still a little voice saying, maybe, he will get better. I know that I need to move on, but it’s really hard…Thank you for reading this and thank you for letting me voice it out.
I left over 4 months ago. I’m taking care of myself and making decisions that benefit my son and I. But I’m still reeling from the thought my marriage ended so horribly. And although I would never admit it to him or let it show I still love him. I wish it was easier to let go.
He sees our son on the weekends. So there we are, him loveless and sadistic pretending that he cares about me and I deeply heartbroken and still in love with him pretending to be cold and uncaring. Ironic isn’t it?
What an amazing column
We are all survivors
I am about to finally leave a 3 year narc relationship it has been the biggest roller coaster ride of my life.
I am going to have to bring in the police to have him removed .
I am preparing for the fall out
For all the stories he will tell about me
I thank all you brave ladies
I had no idea he was who he is. Constantly blaming me for his not feeling loved or wanted. All he wanted was a hug he said the day he flipped out, and called me a c**t in front of my son. I’ve blocked him every which direction I can, and he changed his email to contact me yet again. I don’t miss him. But, it hurts so much. I’m not the bad guy here. I really did love a man that doesn’t exist.
I left my narcissistic boyfriend a week ago. In the past 2 months, my heart started accelerating, having panic attacks, insomnia, fear (of the next punishment, loneliness (he started withdrawing from me, leaving the house for hours in a row), lies, porn addiction, throwing his own friends (who adored me) against me, flirting with women almost at every outing we had together, no dialog (he simply would stop speaking to me, and sleep in one of his son’s rooms), was fired in April (and to this day remains unemployed, and never made any effort to find a job. I contemplated suicide several times, but I moved out. Am staying with a friend, going through hell (and back), but after trying to reach him for 2 days, after I was already out, I stopped. Join online dating sites, and will try to date. Also, want to buy a place for myself. Never want to be in the situation I was just at – having to move out in a heartbeat, because I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack. He has not tried to contact me, ever, since I left, but my therapist warned me he could do that. I am surviving. 56 years old, but I don’t look my age, and am still attractive, holding a good job. I will rebuild my life again. You can bet that I will.
I am now emotionally dead, My husband now berates me for not showing him enough love and that is the reason for the breakdown of our marriage. I have now put my foot down and given him 3 months to leave. If he doesn’t then I have to go down the route of calling the police. I made the mistake 3 years ago of taking him back and regret it to this very day. I knew what he was like, but he made such wonderful promises. I knew deep down that these promises wouldn’t be kept, but I hoped for my young sons sake that he would stick to what he said. So I took him back. Everything was fine at first, nut then his ego took over. I think the thing that upsets me most is his lack of parenting for my son. He promises him the world and doesn’t follow through. The look of disappointment on his little face breaks my heart. After telling him now that I want him to leave I have been called the most appalling things as you can all probably imagine. My son is distraught at the thought of losing his daddy, but I need to think of his sanity and mine. I cannot cope with the rages etc, when he doesn’t get his own way (this is my husband by the way). I’ve made my decision to get away from it and I will!!!
Vanessa oct 16th yes it is crushing when you hear its a no contact dont ever contact her again but it is a blessing in disguise it feels like a forced seperation and was needed ..
I had the same happen with me and after i thought its over … There is no more going back and forth but its what we deserve … Soo much better than this nonsense … I call it divine intervention …. Breathe heal be glad that you are so loved that someone steped in for you when you felt so lost ….. You shall see and know you are looked after …
I’m so grateful for such well written article. The jerk I was so much in love with is a Narc and never saw it that way till a friend showed me that reality and once that kicked in, the realization made it easier to let go. I stayed in constant prayer. The presence of the pain once the sweet essence of reconciliation has faded away just made me flare up. The old me who never took the risk of losing him finally just used every possible opportunity to expose his character to people who saw him as someone noble. I simply lost it and showed him that I’m not his door mat any longer and that the abuse is no longer tolerated. I screamed and yelled and yes I used emotional black mail towards his so called friends who were unconsciously feeding into his narcissistic needs. I’ve talked to our common friends who are actually tired of my vents and promised them that I am no longer hanging on. My credibility was at stake because I always fell back to him once he sweet talked me. It has been 3 and a half weeks since I’ve shut the doors on him. I’ve disabled my social media account, blocked his number with my cell phone carrier and just kept explaining to our common friends how this is too painful to bear. The last 3 weeks was very hard. You are right. It is like an addiction where you long to bear the sweet words that would lure you back into his delusional “promise land”
During our 3 year old relationship I never bad mouthed him towards my friends because I did not want them to disrespect him until my best friend called me yesterday morning asking me why I have pulled away from social media. Strange how she would ask me about how things were in my relationship. I then started opening up. It helped to validate my feelings. She told me how she was going to give him a call. I did not know she had his number. Apparently, he sent him a private message on this social media requesting her to call him and that he needed to talk to her about me. Well my best friend was now fully equipped with information he did not realize she now had. He tried to empower her and manipulate the conversation but he did not win over her. She did not allow him to take the floor and told him to listen attentively to her because this is her stand otherwise the conversation was over. Long story…. At the end of the conversation, she repetitively told him bluntly that he is not worth it and he certainly was not worth my tears. My best friend called me afterwards and told me how the conversation went. She did not allow him to speak. He only answered when he was asked but other than that, she took control. My best friend also told him to stay away from me and to leave me alone for good. This gave me a crushed feeling after having heard my friend tell me how it all went. At one point I wanted to nurture that pain he must be feeling but thought I would invalidate my best friend’s gesture just because she really loves me. There I am again in my codependent state. It would never get to an end if I nurture this feeling again. So I let it be and stayed in prayer. I read the book of Psalms in the Bible….Psalm 6 and 7 just brought me to tears and really felt the closeness to God that I longed and prayed for. Amen!
Your article has truly helped me. I feel the need to write a book about it. I have never done that before but God willing, it would help a lot of others who are stuck in such a harmful and toxic situation. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!
I am in stage 3. We’ve been dating 1.5 years and it has all been lies. I’ve prayed about and now thanking God for answering my prayer to know the truth about him. It has all been lies.
Stage four! LEFT him and took my children!
He want call or see them and putting blame on them – that thet betraied him, that they should have staid (I got court order that kids are under my custody) …
but I wont be comming back if he does not change (less then a 1/10exp1000 chance but you never know 🙂 ) Blesings.
I love this article & it hits everything on the head. Thank you 🙂
I’m to the point where my narcissist boyfriend refuses to move out. He’s said he’ll be out by the end of the week, that turns to the end of the month then… 3 months later he is still here. So next I packed his things & offered to drop them off somewhere at that point he kicked in my front door & began taking the bed & T.V’s out of my home. At first this upset me but I’m to a point where I can live with no T.V or bed to get him out of my life! Then after he completely broke down the bed he informed me I would have to “put him out” at that point I called the police. They then informed me since we have lived together for over a year & even though he is not on the lease is a “legal occupant” & I will have to get a 30 day eviction notice from my land lord to him, take it to the courthouse & then have a sherif deliver it to him.
The thing is….. I know he will make those 30 days hell for me! 🙁 Once he “snaps” he becomes physically, emotionally & mentally abusive. I don’t know why but he has the ability to hurt me harder than anyone ever has with the things he says. He has already informed me if I do the 30 day eviction he will “not touch me so I can get him put in jail” but he will “F**k me up mentally until I wish I never met him” & he will “clean my house completely out” aka take everything. (The police also said since he was a “legal occupant” he could take whatever out of my house & the only way I could get it back is through small claims court) I’m to a point that I’m perfectly fine with him messing my material things up or taking them. I can replace them. But….. I don’t know if I can take the mental/emotional blows I know he will cause me. I don’t know if I can sit here for 30 days and watch him take my things & listen to him say the things he does & as much as he says he won’t physically hurt me again, I know he would.
Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what I can do. Is there a way to get a narcissist to just…. GO! 🙁 I moved with him to a town where I have no one I feel close enough or comfortable enough to go stay with. I checked shelters & I can’t take my 2 dogs with me. (I know some people think they’re “just dogs” but they’ve helped me in these past 4 years more than I can explain. They are the only thing I have) My doesn’t have her own place so I can’t move back there. My “father” has informed me that I “must deserve it if he’s doing it” (My “dad” was previously on drugs. He came “into my life” when I was 17. I’ve since found out from my half brother that he (my dad) beat his wife, cheated on her & controlled her, so I’m not surprised the one time I actually opened up to him & tried to get his help ONE time in my 26 years of living that he’s not there for me)
I just want my boyfriend (Ex-Boyfriend) to leave! And I’m to a point of asking people on websites for advice 😉 I don’t know what to do! Please if anyone has any suggestions on how to get him to leave my house PLEASEEEEEE let me know. I appreciate it so much!
Thank you
-Marie-
Marie, I know it has been two years since you have posted this so chances are you won’t get this. I am in a similar situation with a boyfriend of 13 years. He lives with me and doesn’t work(won’t work) and will not leave. I have been told the same from the police. Did you get your boyfriend out and if so how? I have had similar threats. If you don’t see this but someone else on here does, please feel free to advise me.
I live with my sister who has almost destroyed me with the evil and slander. How can I make others understand that she has told them all lies about me and what she is?
I am so pleased I have found this site. I feel stronger already after reading about the stages. I am stage 3 but confident I will soon be at stage 4.
I had been involved with a woman of this type and been pulling away after her lies and control. After giving her a breakup notice a month ago,I intend to respond to nothing. I have support.
I was in the web with a woman of this type and begin pulling away for 6 months and it helped that she is in another state. It is now one month since I gave her a breakup notice and have not commun
I feel like there is a stage missing. I was married for 23 years and have 4 daughters. I’ve now been divorced a little over a year and half. We both remarried quickly. He ran straight to Colorado to shack up with and later marry the woman he promised himself to 6 years prior to our divorce. I met a man online after filing for divorce. I’m very much in love with my current husband -none of the crazy highs and lows, just total trust, friendship, and constant amazement at how peaceful our relationship is.
The missing stage I’m referring to is that yes I’ve moved on, hell no would I ever take him back, but total rage at how I was treated and confusion and anger over how he can just walk away from his daughters and also allow his horrible wife to talk so abusively to them. One of my girls was still willing to continue a relationship with her dad, but she ran her off!!!! What would you call this stage?
I am hearing and feeling all the pain you all have been experiencing. Thank you all for sharing. It really helps to hear your experiences. I no longer feel alone. 21 years with my soon to be x husband. Without warning he told me he has been cheating me for years and no longer loves me. He met his soulmate and wants a divorce. That was 6 months ago to the day. Hurts like hell but moving forward. Life goes on.
I probably sound like a big nerd but I would like to invite everyone to have a bit of fun and write a haiku. (Remember those from highschool?)
Here is mine:
Says unending love
Doctor Jeckel Mister Hyde
Broken heart does heal
(The haiku is a Japanese verse in three lines. Line one has 5 syllables, line 2 has 7 syllables and line three has 5 syllables.)
I look forward to reading your haiku.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to write your experiences. Mine is much the same, been together 17 years, in the hope that life will change or convincing myself to wait until my son is 18 (now 15 yrs old) before I leave this very unhappy relationship. Have been through every negative emotion possible. At the point now of just hating him, and everything he says and does. I’ve hit rock bottom many times but always masked it when outside of the home, so my work colleagues didn’t know or family. But January this year things come to ahead for me emotionally and I found I couldn’t cope with the simplest of tasks at work and thought I must be heading for a break down. I took myself to the doctor, explained my home life (and knew I’d got to get myself sorted out). He prescribed me mild anti depressants, which I knew wouldn’t change my home life but would help me get strong enough to feel less than hopeless with my surroundings. Im starting to come off the tablets now and feel ready to start making positive changes in my life. I know he won’t leave of his own accord and I can’t physically get him out but if I have to I will take myself out of the equation. I now feel ready to put my ‘armour’ back on and give myself a chance of happiness. Reading this has helped too and inspired me. Thank you to all.
There are over 100 comments, so I don’t know if this was already covered. I’ve been married to a man for 10+ years and have just now realized that the terrible behaviors are signs of Narcissist and BPD traits. I have wanted to leave for a long time now, but we have 2 children together. What should I do? I know it’s harming my children for them to see his behavior, but they’re kids, and they love their father anyway. Also, I’m terrified of leaving because he has been physically violent with me in the past. I just don’t know what he would do.
They are nothing but amazing con artists. They will take everything they can from you. Your self esteem, your mind, your money, your sanity, EVERYTHING…. And they will never stop as long as you comtinue to let them. It’s took me years to realize that it was ME that wasn’t the one letting go. I was so addicted and obsessed with trying to make sense of it all and figure it out. NONE of it ever made since but I got to the point when it finally didn’t NEED to anymore. I realized I was in a relationship with a user, a liar, a cheater… a man who was nothing but a worthless waste of space who needed to play twisted games and con anyone he could (anyone who would let him anyway) out of everything he could to make himself feel like he was worth something. All it was doing was sucking the life out of me and keeping me from being happy and LIVING.
For what it’s worth… I know now that wasn’t me, I wasn’t crazy. I will say that the gaslighting was the most painful for me.
It took me years, but I was finally able to truly feel and see how beautiful and amazing I am. The power that comes with letting go, is something you deserve to finally feel for yourself. I keep trying to describe it but I can’t put it into words. Just love yourself first. Enough is enough… Xxxooo
I HAD LET GO .WENT BACK FELT SO STUPI EVERYTHING WAS THE SAME THIS TIME IAM OUT FOR GOOD he is the sick one not me
This has really helped me today. Going through break up with husband and see so much truth in what you say. Will bookmark this to ‘re read when ever I feel weak.
I am at the end of my rope. I have been through the stages and have finally reached the end. In the beginning, he was sweet and nice. Then he slowly started to change. He could never do anything wrong & i could never do anything right. It was always why he was hurting and he never cared to hear about my feelings. I tired to tell him he needed to change but he wouldn’t if he had no hope of being with me. I started to see who he truly was. A miserable, overbearing, needy, hot than cold, cold hearted person. he could only ever see why he was hurt inside. he was always the victim. I went from stage 1 to 2 pretty quickly. We had even broken up already and all we did was fight. because i was done being walked all over and treated like i was nothing. stage 3 came quickly as well, where i couldn’t stand to see his number on my phone. hated the sound of his voice and wanted no part of talking to him. stage 4 was not as quick as i still gave into the lies about wanting to change and him being sorry. but the other night he lost it on me in a huge argument. something i have never seen out of him before, he was a complete stranger that night. and since then i have cut him off. i have not responded to anything. blocked him from all social media, changed my number and of course the threats came, then the begging and pleading. then more threats. i went to the police just to make sure their is record of the threats. i have not responded to anything he has sent over the many different facebook accounts he makes to contact me. i am done! i will ride out the character assasination and his pity party as long as it takes. but i am not going back to that. it sucks and it hurts my feelings when he threatens to call child services on me because i wont talk to him but i know ultimately it is what is best for me and my child. (not his child, thankfully). we have no ties. we live far from each other, no kids, no mutual friends, nothing like that. so i am hoping for a quick and sort of painless break. because other than the supply their is nothing binding him to me.
i have been sitting here reading the posts. im sorry you have all been or are going through this.im 57yrs old now. and every relationship i have had has been abuseive. some if not all were narsistic.im still letting go of the last 1. i have told him dont come back.that was 2 weeks ago.im feeling low in confidence, self seteem.angry want to lash out at him.and feeling sorry for myself too,but havent cryed yet.i feel no hope of ever meeting a man that im happy to be with feel safe with trust. someone that lifts me up not pulls me down.someone who loves and cares. someone i can love back. i feel ,lonley and isolated. im ill disabled and at home most of the time. alone.anyway im sorry about all the things that have happened to you all. i keep busy with my garden,visit my children and grandchildren.lonliness isolation seems to draw me back to him.im hopeing it wont again.i got my hair done and started eating properly again this week..take good care of yourselfs no one else is going to.they cetainly wont.i hope they meet there match and get it done to them
Thank you for this site. I believe I am in stage 2. I wish there was a local support group. Not only to talk to people but to build friendships. I am so isolated and only have a couple of friends out of state I talk to on phone occasionally.
Thank you so much for this website and information. I found out 3 weeks ago that my 22 yr stressful marriage has been to a narc! I have 3 lovely children and I am devastated as it feels like the poison icing on top of the rotten cake. I’m at stage 2 and think I will have to be very very calm, clever and patient to get out of it. I don’t know where to turn and have been reading as much as I can to arm myself with information. There is a lot of good info but this has been one of the best for advice. I’ve never commented on articles before and I’m scared he will find out so please hide my identity if possible. There are so many narc’s around, I feel like the chains have fallen from my eyes and I spot them so easily in my family and all around. It’s amazing how many there are. It seems like they feed energy off each other as my husband has quite a lot of narc friends who just big each other up all the time whilst trying to be cleverer and cooler than each other at the same time. Thank you all for sharing your stories, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone and nobody else could know what it’s like to be with this Jeckyl & Hyde character except another victim/survivor. X
Thank you for this post. I have been up all night researching the true nature of a narcissist. While I have become aware that my ex-boyfriend has an avoidant attachment relationship style, there has always been in my gut, the knowledge that this was not sufficient enough. I found myself calling him a narcissist today; hence my detailed research began. It has been frightening to compare the attributes of a narcissist to the actions and words that have lived with me as the result of him these past 9 months.
I have been vacillating between steps 2 and 3. I had been at step 1 for some time, finally no longer blaming myself for what went wrong, seemingly out of nowhere.
As sad as it has been at times to even see the supposed “good times” and gestures of love as nothing more than part of a calculated plan to destroy. I fought the idea that he saw weakness in me, as I am a very strong woman. I now realize it was the strength that to him was attractive, and not in a good or healthy way, but in that he knew he was going to enjoy trying to destroy it. He almost did.
We no longer live together and while I am struggling financially as a result of this twisted facade of a romance, my strength grows. It grows to anger and a need for revenge.
I am vastly aware of what he is capable of if wounded beyond reproach; he has even been so cavalier as to tell me what he would do. Mind you, this was the result of his threats to me should I be the one to cheat on him. Yet for months now, my gut has told me, that it is he that is and was cheating on me.
Where he and I are at this point is that he would not argue with me if I said goodbye and no more, we barely talk now and little to none is initiated by him. (clearly when I’m vacillating)
Despite the destruction he causes, he comes out unscathed, here is where my anger mostly lies.
I know walking away won’t matter to him now, and by the time it does, it, he, won’t matter to me. Perhaps he will try to retaliate, though I know his pride and ego to be too big to even care.
And while I don’t want to instigate his retaliation, I can’t seem to sit satisfied without recompense.
In these thoughts I feel myself begin to vacillate between steps 3 and 4 more to where I have many moments of content to patiently wait. For it to be ME that initiates the “Silent treatment” that narcissists are so famous for. In that time, find my evidence, plot my version of “revenge”. If and when he breaks the silence, act as if all is just fine and ok, not to the level that we are together, or that he has an opportunity to take anything from me, but until I can exact the return in play. I long to see the shock and shame on his face. And if by then I no longer care and no longer need such, no matter. Either way he is gone, so either way, I win.
I think I am in stage 2 of this. But I just last night found this web site and was up all night reading about the narcassist. I have been in this relationshipfor almost 2 years now, and I have always felt that there was something terribly wrong and now I know. The harem of women that he calls “friends” that insult me because he tells them lies about me that Im crazy . The gaslighting has been horrible, things disappearing or showing up in weird places. His obsession with other women and porn and dating sites. The name calling and total lack of respect or any type of feelings toward me at all. I lost my job because of this man, and the emotial wreck I let him bestow upon me. I moved into his house and this is the 3rd time he has kicked me out, and this time when I pack, I am leaving. I am so glad I found this , at least I know I am not crazy. He will come to me and ask me not to leave, but he won’t say he is sorry. He has never apologized for anything that he has done, and doesn’t even think that he has done anything to me. Well in my book , telling someone you are in love with them and promising them a future and a life together is something. And Ireally just want him to suffer like I am. He has everyone fooled into thinking he’s this great guy. He swoops in on his white horse and sweeps you off your feet, so he can then start tearing you down. I was a strong and confident woman and now I am someone that I don’t know. I have lost weight and don’t even look like the person I was 2 years ago. I am frightened of whats out there and starting over t the age of 51 buti know I have to get out of here. I have so many obstacles in my way. Where do I start?
I am in stage 2…I have been married to a narcissist for almost 20 yrs but didn’t know it..His Drs suggested that maybe he was bipolar and he did suffer from severe depression at times. It wasn’t until this last time that my counselor suggested that she thought he also suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder…It was an eye opening revelation..He had love bombed , devalued and discarded me 4 times and our marriage . I always believed that there was something wrong with me and I believed that I was the blame.His favorite tactic..Blame me for everything wrong in his life.He started this in April .The same time he started messaging women and treating me awful. I finally had enough and made him seek help at a treatment center .He checked himself out after 2 days and left me. He told me the Dr said he only had anxiety and it was all from me..He said the Dr told him he had to stay away from me. This was after his social worker asked if I felt safe with him coming home because he said he was coming home with me. So it has been weeks since he has left but he keeps showing up presumably to see my daughter but he always wants to talk to me or see me..And then it happened..Yesterday I got served divorce papers. And he wants joint custody of our daughter.. I know that I am in for a battle. He will charm everyone who comes near him and wants to control everything..
Hi All, new to all of this I didn’t even know he was a N! Or what that even meant a few months ago! So I have a question, I think. Am a stage 3, how do I get him to leave, he is refusing to leave or sell up, we have a joint mortgage after he kept pushing to come on to the mortgage with me after my divorce ( only because his tenancy was up) and stupidly I did not preserve the 6 yrs I paid into the mortgage and believed him when he said he would buy out my ex, when it came to it he said he now I know that was a lie
I can’t afford a solicitor or to go to court, even if he would sell even with the equity I wor not get a mortgage and renting is even more expensive and I have two children to think of too, anyone have any advice or guidance I feel so so trapped thank u xx
I agree with all Savannah as said, but there is a bias. This perfectly applies to woman as well. I daresay a female narc is even more deadly than a male narcissist. I will post my story one day as a male at the receiving end of a female narcissist. I have been to hell. She is pregnant with our second child. Here in Africa, it is almost a taboo to leave her like this even though she is perfectly capable of weathering this difficult time on her own – I know her very well!. I am waiting for her to deliver, and then I will head for the hills without looking back. I will tell my story soon, and it is coming from Africa!
Savannah, I have been trying to discover what has happened to me for the last 6 months and your page is the key. I have been involved (off and on) for 10 months with a man who fits all of these traits. I fought to not fall for him, and lost. I am fortunately strong and independent and seemingly can let go with no attachment or need for him. It’s still difficult. I finally went “no contact” by blocking him and resisting my own urges to question the relationship just 4 days ago. Alone I couldn’t have, but my grown children became angry with me and were shutting me out because of what I continued to do to myself. Faced with that choice I had to think hard about it, this is not typical for my children. I do need them, but don’t need him. I still want him, I still love him deeply. I will take it day by day and do my best to keep the distance. I know he has other supply, which was what I couldn’t live with. Maybe he will move on. When I went no contact I texted simply “goodbye” to him and blocked him immediately after. I know what these other people are going through emotionally. It’s a bit comforting to know I haven’t lost my mind. This is a real thing. Thank you all for sharing. It helps so much.
I wentt no contact about 6 weeks ago now. At that point he had gone 2 weeks without responding to my texts or messages, I found this blog, and realized I needed to block him on twitter and facebook. Don’t have block on my phone. He continues to text me, even though I have not responded in any way; crappy stuff with him as a victim, meant to make feel guilty and respond in defense of myself. At what point do they finally give up? Should I send him one last text telling him to bugger off once and for all or just ride it out? Scared to have any contact with him.
It scares me to read all these women’s stories. For some of them I could just insert our names. I’m trying to leave after 17 years. I’m 45 with three wonderful grown up children and a career. I don’t get what hold he has over me. I have to take one day at a time and it hurts. Big love and luck to you all.
Thanks for this article. I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissis for a little over 2 yrs. I have broke up with him almost 3 months now. I’ve changed my number b/c when I decided I was done, I didn’t want to hear or see anymore of his reasons. Reading this saddened but encouraged me. I didn’t even realize I was in such a toxic until I was in love with him. I still do love him but I’m moving on. One day at a time. I still see him occasionally & when I do his phone conveniently rings & it’s always his new girl. I always ignore him. I decided TN is is a battle I will win. Although it’s been a challenge not to tell him how much of a jerk he is, I love him & myself enough not to stoop to that level. I just pray for him. I have to work on me.
I had a 6 years boyfriend before then he leaves me without saying anything without any signs he just shut me off i begged him to talk to me but he’s totally ignored me.i found out that he had a new girl.. so i stop contacting him and unfriended him on fb. then after a year he contacted me added me on fb. i still have feelings for him even though he did not give me closure before…so i accept him and talk to him. i just found out that the girl already has a new bf.. he told me he loves me but he never tell the truth about that girl he said that they don’t had a relationship before which is i know he’s lying because i love him i accepted him .. but after 1 month he changesd and now hes not texting me ..i dont know what to do.. what should i do how will i talk to him?
Thank you for this article my husband is a narcissistic drug addicted cheating scum of the earth. I am currently in stage 2 of detachment I have no desire to go back to life as it was . My husband is in jail for and I have the choice of seeing or not seeing him he is so manipulative he has abandon me for weeks at a time only to come home and blame me for the separation he has just admitted to cheating on me with at least two women one of which was our neighbor that smiled in my face every day whe they carried on. I can’t even begin to explain the level of betrayal I feel. I actually hate him now and his cries and pleas do nothing but sicken me. Of course now I’ll do anything he says it will never happen again he will do or say anything to get out of jail . We have only been married 9 months and I can say the worst nine months of my life .
Thanks for your comment Savannah, thanks for reminding us of staying “no contact “. !!!
I went no contact about 3 weeks ago. Blocked him on all social media after reading your blog. Major boomerang narc. I don’t have block on my phone. After 2 weeks, I get a text from him “you can be as mean and ugly to me as you want. I won’t respond in the same manner”. After a year of his lies, manipulations and cruelty, this sob has the nerve to accuse ME of being mean? I didn’t respond, but REALLY wanted to tell him off and “blow it up”, as you suggested in one post, by telling him what a sh**head he really is. Might feel good. What should I do? Stay no contact or “blow it up”?
Stay no contact – Blowing it up is when you can’t trust yourself to stay away.
This is illuminating!!! I had a happy and quiet family life (have been married for 20 years ), before l bumped into the beast that changed my life for ever. I had never ever thought l would have felt for another man that was not my husband but it happened. He made me fall in love with him, then dropped me overnight but never left. I developed an addiction and whenever l tried to break loose there he was flattering me., telling me he loved me as a friend. He used everything to make me feel bad for him like his son was serious la sick….
Time and again when l reacted to his deepe silence and my an answered texts, He said l was crazy and had severe ups and downs. I tried the no contact for many times but he would not let me go my way . I got weaker and weaker until one day (2 weeks ago after almost 2 years living hell), l took the courage to tell him it was over and l didn’t want anything to do with him any more. I had no contact for 10 days and there he popped up with a mail telling me he wants to see me.
I feel l am strong now and l realize what a huge mistake l made getting involved in an affair but what ‘ s even worse for me is having been target of a narc.
I really do hope he will not come back. I am sure l can face him and send him away but l really want this to be the past. ……lm trying hard to get back to who l was.
Thanks a lot for sharing your experience ♡
Thank you. My life for the past 2 1/2 years. Total night mare!!! Thank you for letting us know we are not alone!
Thank you. JUST what I need to hear. So grateful.
Thank you for writing this. I removed my N from my home two weeks ago and four days ago had to have the police contact him to tell him to never contact me again. It feels great to be free of the craziness and to begin my self-care.
I love your blog Savannah – it is truly a gift. You are helping so many people ❤️❤️❤️ Grateful.
Amen is a name in tribute to your page.
I seem to be a narcissist magnet but am now realising the drama I don’t want or need.
I’ve had a narcissist write a really horrific and (was, past tense) hurtful book about what a horrible “not just broken but shattered into tiny shards that could never be put together” and deceptive person I am according to her book.
Thanks to loads of time to think about it all, studying psychology but more importantly, your articles, I am free.
I have just reacquainted with an old flame who is also a narcissist and that didn’t last very long thanks to keeping boundaries, observation and my integrity.
Thank you Savannah for writing this. It is like your reading my mind but have come to a place where you have so much more knowledge about things.
Truly, you are a god send ⭐️
The advice and insight listed here was so helpful. One thing made me cringe every time I cam across it. “Men.” This is not a situation that is gender specific. I would totally agree that the demographic is heavily weighted towards male narcs. However, there are a good proportion of female narcs as well. I know. I’m married to one and working on recuperating. Sleeping on the couch while she and her boyfriend sleep in the bed. And I allow this. Tried to be strong enough to “take it” out of love for her. It happens to males too, and we are your brothers in this. Thank you so much for sharing this. As I said, there is too much good in this article to dismiss it on this one point alone.
Me2 I normally don’t post comments about gender anymore – under every post there is a section ‘about the author’ where I discuss the gender issue.
AMAZING.My ex is a TEXT book case apparently. TO THE T. It took me 3 long painful years to walk away and it has been 2 months 4/14/15 that’s this coming Tuesday. I thank GOD each and everyday for the strength to this time refrain from making it all better for him as I always did in the past. Luckily for me he MUST have found another supply and I AM OK with that. That, I am sure was my saving grace. After years of contemplating leaving, I finally decided to do it. I applied for an apartment and moved in within a 48 hour period so NO GOING BACK.He abused me every possible way, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually,verbally, mentally. Then would accuse me of abusing him WTF? It became so clear he had NO grasp on reality what so ever I could do nothing but leave. SO SAD. I didn’t want to give up on him, then I came to terms with the fact, he wasn’t even aware he was crazy.
Hi all im not sure what stage im at but we have split four times i went back feeling sorry for him!!more fool me to find behaviours repeating them selves over and over so an oppertunity arose once he was away on tour with his band i thought great peace no stress no worries oh no i found emails from him to girls he sent pics of them togather thinking i wouldnt find out i always do lol!i confronted him and he cant see why i should be annoyed after all we just got engaged!! i have told him yesterday no more games its over i wrote him a letter and said no knocking on my door when you return from your tour i blocked him on fb i blocked him from ringing me!! god give me strength he is very very hard work and pathetic i hate him so this is now so easy to accept its over for me im happy inside but dread him returning home with lots of wo is me stories!! pushed the boundaries this time! thanks every one you have no idea how much resding your stories have empowered me chin up xx
Wow! What a powerful read! I’m recovering from a similar relationship and I wish I had something like this sooner. Very well written!
Beautifully explained, Savannah, and very true. Thanks for helping so many people with this site. I’m not too sure about recommending Beyonce though! She’s strong and successful, but “I can have another you in a minute – in fact he’ll be here in a minute” sounds pretty narcissistic & ultra-shallow to me. And all that gazing at her scantily clad self in both videos & fantasizing about how much the old boyfriend must want her back – doesn’t this just scream somatic narcissism? Anyway, glad her music made you stronger. Personally, I’d recommend “Would I Lie to You?” by the Eurythmics, but I’m sure there are lots of other powerful songs that don’t wallow in narcissism of their own.
I am living with a narc. I have finally come to the point of just ignoring him. I am tired of the blame game and I am tired of the demeaning comments. I took him in as a friend and nothing i do is good enough for him. and i mean nothing. He was locked up i took him in and you think he would be grateful to have a friend and a home, because without me he has no one however nope. I am the reason he has no money, i am the reason he is in the position he is in, I THINK NOT. twice he has physically assaulted me and somehow i managed to excuse it, have the charges dropped, and all of that was my fault yet again, NOPE IM DONE. I just gave him 90 days to move out but i fear he will not leave. Any suggestions? i am at my wit ends. He knows I am ignoring him, so he texted me a bad joke to say i need you to pick me up at the police station, then he said april fools early since i always forget april fools. need a reaction much from?!?! I fear everyday the physical violence will start again I WANT HIM OUT. Although being on probation and i called the cops once, hopefully he will stay away from me knowing I will not hesitate to do it again. sigh i feel like im loosing my mind but I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE.
I have been married for almost 12 years and 4 months ago moved myself and our 3 children out. I fell like I am at stage 4 most of the time but still care about him. I just can’t have no contact because of the chikdren and so I find myself feeling really confused as to whether I should go back to him for their sake – he has stopped drinking and appears to have moderated some of his behaviour and I’m thinking that things could be more bearable. Part of me just knows that he’ll always be over controlling.
I am so glad I stumbled across this page-I really feel like I need to see a councillor! I have had problems in my childhood along with a broken 18 yr marriage to a man who was abusive. I met ths guy (who I previously knew through work) asked me out of coffee (not my type at all). this started an off and on 3 year relationship. I didn’t know what a narc was.. He doesn’t allow me to go the gym or out with my friends – makes me block pple on facebook (a guy I know in particular who he hates because he believes that he fancies me).. he is like Jekyll and Hyde and some of the stuff he says to me I wouldn’t repeat then tells me he loves me.. I have forgiven him for hitting me, cheating on me and being verbally abusive to me. I know what I have to do but its like he is a drug and every time he decides to walk away it nearly kills me like literally the pain is unbearable.. The panic sets in – my head is pure melted atm and I think I am losing my mind. I am with him atm and love him so much but don’t feel strong enough if he decides to ‘walk’ again 🙁 There is a guy I know who is a decent genuine person and he has told me he likes me and has said he would love to have the chance to date me – I feel physically sick at eve the thoughts of having a coffee with hin.. I dont feel noraml. This is so not like me. Feel like I am losing myself…Can someone please help me???
Hi everybody and thank you all so much for your posts. Well this is the fourth blog I have read in this series.
I came to terms with my ex narc boyfriend. Calling him ex now. I guess to make it final.
I also am coming to terms with who I am why I attract these type of men and similar abusive men like narcissist in my life. Not making excuses for them but I have to admit I am the only one that can change. I no my own disorder have a name. Being a passive aggressive. Along with the cultural and religious beliefs that guide my thoughts (that men are suppose to be dominate, women submissive) I expressed this to my ex narc. Oh how he tried to make me believe other wise. This time I was able to get out of it…this time the cycle only happen in 7 weeks.
Any way like I said before my ex narc did all 3 stages in 7 weeks. I admitted to my ex narc that I have never really been in love with a man. My past abuse will not allow me to. I had a child with a man grew to admire him respect him but like always the relationship ended when the emotional abuse was to much.
My ex narc assured me that he could show me what love is. His adoration pedestal phase only lasted 2 weeks. But this time I was feeling something. I did fall for him in my twisted way. Wow.
He knew my culture allowed for 2nd wives concubines. He tried his best to make me believe in 1st 2 weeks that he was against this. But after his devaluation stage and in his discarding phase, he expressed in his action and verbally otherwise. We had a disagreement where he could not justify his actions. He stormed out of my house telling my adult daughter why will she (me) just admit I’m (he) right. So later he calls me. How shocked I was. I usually text him. “Can we make up now” oh God. He asks a favor I say sure. Can I give a friend of his a ride another woman. See other women don’t bother me I was upset he forgot and tried to use this to get at me. And later I did think avout it not that he wad with another woman, but for the first time in a long time question my beliefs in regards to this matter. Yeah I got alot of work to do on me. I also found out about myself is yes I truly was starting to feel something for him. Had it not been for my up coming surgery. My daughter who distrust any man I date or be with. And let him fell uneasy when he tried to nice her up all the while planting seeds of division to me in order. to separate us from one another. Because I love my child grand child and my family and friends and co workers.
My passive aggressive behavior and the fact that my ex narc is on parole I think things would have gotten really bad for me.
I enjoyed calling him out watching that pain in his face as he left as he could not handle being wrong or that I went cold on him also. I don’t want that kind of relationship. But see this time I was dealing with a narcissist. And his actions did hurt me and further damage me.
Its only 4 days into my no contact contract I made with myself. I fell off yesterday. I unblocked his number text him… just his pet name. This usually works he would text back. He did not. This time I was hurt. I felt the pain. I wanted to start it up again. Why????.
Its an addiction an obsession. I blocked the number again. Told family about my behavior. My mom says I’m playing a dangerous game. She is right I really want to. So I will be seeking therapy for my self.
I know this sounds crazy but its true i need help. I will keep reading all in this series.
I finally got it out. To at least admit to myself I have to stop this before its to late.
Surgery march 11 2015. No more cigarettes. No more ex narc.
Its just all a little over whelming.
Any body thoughts please!
Very well written.
I am revisiting this stuff cause recently my ex-wife has been telling every one who will listen to her how rotten a person i am,
but she was the one having an affair, she filed for divorce, I only protected my children and my assets that i had earned before the marriage, I am worth 7 figures. . interesting that she was arrested for assaulting me, before the divorce, as time went by she completely denied it ever happened.
I think she’s understanding that she now lives on $13 dollars an hour and no sugar daddy to give and give and give. unless she becomes dependent on them, something she has not mastered on her own merits and never will in my book.
Thank you for this article! Any further suggestions on how to go through the last stage with young kids? I am gaining strength in myself but obviously with children, I can’t cut him out of my life all together. I thought we could work together financially & in general work together for the sake of our children but this is proving to be very difficult!
Thank you everyone for posting your experiences. It makes it easier to go through this knowing I’m not alone. I read the four stages and wish I was in the last but can honestly say I am probably two or three. I am wondering about leaving. Is it best to just go cold turkey (not show up or call and then never respond to anything) or give a brief explanation and then walk out the door no contact? I know situations vary, but I am trying to figure out how to make my leaving successful for me. Thanks!
This is a really interesting site and after doing some initial research I truly believe my girlfriend is a narc. Since July 2014 I’ve been living through hell knowing that my GF cheats on me but still shows me love and affection which I really don’t understand. I met her a year a go, everything was fabulous. After a few weeks she said she loved me and we quickly moved in together after a few months. That’s where I started to notice the ex boyfriends, text messages, social media messages and emails to her narcissist harem. Some of it was pure filth, others confirmed actually foul play. She’s now in that stage where she will be argumentative over nothing, normally after drinking and the next day will say sorry. She still sends me messages and statements of “I Love You” but I’m convinced this is to keep engaged. Where on the other hand, her messages to her other Harem will state I’m not the one and even suggesting that other supply members are the one. I confronted her the other day about a secondary email address that I found out she had created but was told this was specifically for junk email for online internet registrations. As always this is a huge lie as the account was created for one of her narc supplies for private conversations. I really don’t understand her? Am I really dealing with a narc?
It’s new years eve, I know I will be told “I love you”, maybe we will have sex but at the same time the supply will be constantly contacted. One of the supplies as even suggested that they have a night together which they have both agreed too but for obvious reasons are trying to work out how to do this. I’ve always been told that this supply is just a good friend I used to work with and they meet up for drinks but I’ve never been invited and I’ve never met him. She plays him down stating he’s 20 years older than me but I know they’ve had an affair in the past (while she’s been with other partners as well as me) Guess he’s just another source of narc supply. Again is this what I’m dealing with, a narc?
Dear ..
Please do not be offended, you sound young, so WHAT ARE YOU STILL WAINTING FOR IN THAT RELATIONSHIP??!!!!
After all the things that you have said. Looks like narc, smells llike narc but do you want to stick until you find out, for sure???? Get out and stay out this unhealthy relationship. If it is now like that, it will get worse with time. If you are interested in normal relationship, get out!
But if you are thrilled with playing ‘cat and mouse’ (?) with you GF, you want be better-off with somenone normal.
I met him at work. He called me on my birthday, and wanted to take me out for a little conversation, drinks, and shrimp cocktail. So I agreed. Looking back I realized that eventhough I had busied myself in healthy ways to ‘fill in the gaps’ in my life, I had not REALLY examined those deep down feelings of lonliness, and decided what to do with them. In other words, I had not addressed the things that I held inside, and the N saw it from a mile away. He found the weak spot, and used it fully to his advantage. He was living out of his truck. Supposedly, ( his story with no verifiable truth to counter it), he was given a three day notice to vacate the home he lived in with his deceased partner. She had died supposedly in front of him in February before his ‘date’ with me in June. Looking back, I now wonder if he had something to do with her death. It’s just so odd that he lived with someone for over 26 years, and she didn’t leave him a dime. His name was not on the mortgage that she paid. He and she were into some pretty weird stuff, which he wanted to continue at my place. Like nudity, sex toys, and pot smoking. I’m not into those things, and found it really invasive and repulsive. The woman he lived with had two grown children from previous marriage. She supposedly had an estranged relationship with them, and according to him, this is why they swooped in on the day of the funeral, and kicked him out of the house so they could sell it. Looking back, it sounds more like their mother was abused by him, and isolated, and didn’t know how to extricate herself from him, so she died at the age of 55 of a heart attack, ( so he says). He works in medicine as a radiology tech. But he likes to tell grandiose stories to anyone who will listen that he’s a doctor. He loves it when women flock around him. He tells anyone who will listen that he once played with Neil YOung. The truth is, he once sat on a stage with Neil Young in the 1970’s….he never toured with him….but people don’t see the ‘sleight of hand’. He fooled me as well, with all his stories, and I was taken in by his lies. I let him move in with me, because I felt sorry for a guy who was ‘grieving’ his partner’s death. And that’s where the warmth ended. He started in with daily criicisms of my home, my cooking, my cleaning, and me. He would rage and yell at me in my car while I was driving, nearly causing me to have an accident. But what he didn’t expect was that I didn’t cower, cry, or fall apart. I got right back in his face, and kicked his butt out of my car, and made him walk home. Now, he came back with what a heartless uncaring bitch I was! To which I replied, “Then drive yourself!” He loved for me to drive, because then when we would go out, he could drink like a fish. He is an alcoholic. I came home one day, and the whole top of my kitchen cabinets across one whole wall was filled with liquor bottles…whiskey, vodka, gin, shot glasses, etc. He said he had ‘retrieved them from his storage unit’. He had also taken down all of my wall paintings, family pictures, grand kids pictures, and replaced them with pictures of himself. All were pictures of him from the time he was a child onward. A shrine to himself. He fancies himself as a ‘cowboy’, and dresses up with boots, jeans, vests, shirts, and kerchief just like John Wayne. He has over 50 pairs of boots, hats, and his clothes closet takes up a 14 X 10 bedroom, plus two other closets in the house. This is the ‘persona’ he has ‘created’ himself to be. The truth is, he has never roped a goat, let alone a cow, and wouldn’t know which end of the cow to milk! I grew up on a ranch, so I know a little about horses, cows, and animals. When I started questioning him on simple horse care, he didn’t have a clue, and quickly changed the subject. He would pick fights over the most inane subject. He is a master baiter. ( no pun intended). He would try his best to hit me with some ignorant statement to goad or provoke. Now I know it was his way of getting ‘supply’. I stopped playing the game, and just ignored him. I literally would let him yammer for 20 minutes, and then look up from my phone or book, and say, “did you say something?” HE WOULD BE FURIOUS! I started to smile at that, for I knew how to reverse that energy on him. I asked him to move out 6 months into his occupation of my home. He has never paid rent, or shared in the household expenses. He claims he doesn’t get enough hours and doesn’t have the money. He always has an excuse why he can’t pay for something. Interestingly, he has all kinds of time and money for cigarettes and booze, which he gluttonously partakes of. He has had multiple outside relationships, and once told me his former partner, ( he compared me to her hundreds of times, going so far as to hang her picture up in my house as well), allowed him to ‘swing’ with other women. What all those women don’t know is that he isn’t exclusive… eventually, one of them, all of them, or him will get Hepatitis C, AIDS, or Herpes, and then he won’t be so attractive anymore. I stopped sleeping with him 6 months into the relationship. He’s been on my couch for 2 years. I can’t get rid of him. He’s like a fungus. I have threatened legal action, but in this state, under tennant law, if a person resides in a residence more than 3 weeks, they are considered a tenanat even if they don’t contribute to the rent. SO, what that means is, he has a legal right to remain. SO, I have done the next best thing. I have made his life a living hell here. I took away the coffee pot. He is an avid coffee drinker, so it was my appliance before he moved in, so I removed it. I removed my pillows from the couch he cuddles up on. I shut off the cable TV. I removed all food he likes to eat from the grocery list, and I don’t buy any groceries. When he is home, I put music on that he hates, and I crank it up. I wear perfume he hates the smell of, and I REALLY douse it on! I take up two spaces in the driveway, so he has to park in the street. I keep the temperature of the house at 60 degrees, so he is always uncomfortable. I tell him he looks old, haggard, and alcoholic. I have verbally battered him as he has done to me. YES, it’s a horrible thing to treat another person this way, as it goes against ALL of my integrity and principles, BUT, it was enough to get him to announce to me that he is leaving. He’s gone today, schmoozing his next conquest. He told me he will be out by Jan. 30, 2015. He actually said this to me: “well, whether I’m there or not, you’ll still have to pay the same amount of rent”…as if to say, “I’m entitled…you should just keep paying for me to stay with you and support me like the tumor that I am, because I’m so wonderful”. I sure hope he goes….the damage this man has done is unreal. He engaged a mutual friend at a Christmas party behind my back. I refused to go to this party, because it is wall to wall N’s and enablers. The energy of it just gags me. So he tells everyone there that the reason we are splitting up is because we have differences politically….implying that I’m such a shallow bitch, I’d dump a nice guy like him over who sits in the WHite House. I bet you can guess which side of the fence he’s on….but that’s another whole story! The ignorant bobbleheaded blonde he was talking to said, ” Well is SHE BI-POLAR?” out loud, at a social gathering, with all former and current acquaintances and friends… This was his way of stabbing me in the back, and using an ignorant gossip to do it. She has no idea what she’s dealing with. The rest of the attendees are mostly alcoholic, and I’m pretty sure they are just a clueless of how he manipulates them. He loves to go to this party, because the booze is free, and women, even married ones, love to dance and rub up against him. It’s just gross. I just want to hang a sign on his penis that says: “Honey, you don’t know where this has been!” But then, this is a crowd that has a collective IQ of 60 before the alcohol starts, so it’s doubtful the bobbleheads are literate. Pray for me…that I get through this. Yes, I’m angry. I don’t grieve the loss of this relationship, because it did teach me a lot about myself. It taught me about not covering up feelings inside, and instead confront them…whether they are fear, sadness, loneliness, or need. It taught me that when I honestly speak my truth, I am empowered. It taught me that I am not property or a tool to be used. I still hold my head up, despite his efforts. I had his number early on, but it’s been VERY difficult to get rid of him.
He has two sisters who live right in the same town was we do. He has 9 other siblings, all alive. He never visits them, and they have never visited him at our home in 2 1/2 years. He is the second born child, but first male child in the family. It sounds like he had a HUGELY abusive childhood, based on hit and miss stories he has told. He also told me he was a shaman. That his grandmother was a Cherokee holy woman, and that she passed on the ‘tradition’ to him. Most of that story has proven to be confabulation. I have close connections to Native Americans, and he has about as much shaman in him as a tomato.
Some things that have helped me keep my sanity are:
Love your SELF. No one can love you like you can love you.
Refuse to be bartered, battered, or belittled. I just leave the room, or ignore him.I don’t engage conversation of any kind. I pretend he is a brick…and I don’t talk to bricks.
Don’t let anyone’s words define who you are. You are perfect, just as you were made. The n’s of the world had their perfection torn from them somehow, either through nature or nurture or both. That isn’t your circus or your monkey….so walk away…
The energy these N’s have is of the darkest kind. However, LIGHT is their nemesis. I let mine shine. Darkness has it’s purpose, and does a good work in our lives. IT shows us what we DON”T want, and it shows us also what is lacking in our own lives.
Most of all, don’t be afraid.
Most N’s are full of puffed up air…that’s not to say that some aren’t capable of doing physical harm. It is to say that once you choose to step into your power, and shake their tree, most of them will run…
I stood up to him, and I feel really good inside myself that I didn’t let this man take away one piece of my soul.
Namaste.
When I met my ex, it was like instant fire! We had a backstory that was fate. We had everything in common, same career paths, same passions and hobbies, and chemistry was outstanding! Only a couple weeks in, we were saying “I love you”. I did everything for him and he wanted me to move in with him after 2 months, but I didn’t want to rush it. Then I started to see signs, he kept girls from his past around that seemed to swoop in whenever given the opportunity, and they were needy. I found a number in his pocket. His excuse was that he hadn’t worn those jeans in months. I put my foot down, but he always accomodated me, so I would stay. He became distant, and I thought I did something wrong. He admitted to having depression, that he had been heartbroken in the past, and I pittied him. Then the agression showed up, and after 6 months, was the first abusive incident. It was his birthday and it was my first time meeting his family. I was ill and asked to take the car home and pick him up later, but he didn’t allow me. He demanded that I take him to another party after, treating me like his personal driver. God forbid my illness get in the way of his good time. He was drunk. He grabbed the steering wheel and led us into oncoming traffic, wouldn’t allow me to leave, wouldn’t allow me to call for help and when we got home, he grabbed my arms, shoved me into walls, to the ground, threw all my things outside, called me a bitch and psycho. I was shocked! Sobbing, I packed up my car and as I pulled away, he jumped in the back seat and begged me to stay. I ended it. He begged me back, promised to stop drinking, left notes on my car, and i took him back. Not long after, it all returned, the agression, the drinking, the abuse. I had trouble trusting him. His friends bullied me, cyberstalked me, called at all hours of the night, and tried to wedge between us. I was ready to walk away again, and he left his friends behind, only to hold it over my head. Of course he loved me, he gave up his friends for me. So I stayed. After that, everything was my fault. The abuse was typically the same, shoving, grabbing, using his black belt karate skills to pin me to the ground, block the door so I couldn’t leave, and then drag me outside. If I fought back in defense, he claimed that I was the abuser. He said he wouldn’t get so angry and hurt me if I didn’t question him. He would say “I’ll die miserable trying to make you happy”. “I wouldn’t watch porn if you had more sex with me/ took photos or videos for me.” It didn’t matter if I did, a porn addict never stops, no matter what you do for them. He would say “I drink to deal with you”. “Im depressed bc of you.” “You make me miserable.” “If we have no trust, we have nothing.” Well, you can’t really build trust in a relationship if they’re kicking you around all the time and lieing about their addictions. I bore the cross bc I loved him. I felt bad for him bc I knew he was a product of his father. I knew he was hiding pain. Through the years, his interests became obsessions, addictions, and his desire to be something he couldnt turned him into a monster. The abuse progressed and I was clung to the rare complements. He’d butter me up with cooking dinner, flowers, telling me how smart, strong, beautiful I am, how he envied some of my traits, cuddling, and being sweet. As soon as he got what he wanted, he’d abandon me, leaving me feeling like garbage. He’d say I seduced him. He’d tell me that I should initiate sex more often, and when I did, he’d turn me down. He’d say that we weren’t right for each other, that he didn’t want to be with me, but if only I fixed this or that, it would all be better. So I tried counseling. I went on medication. Sex was often emotionally painful and physically, bc after two years with this guy, I developed Chronic Pelvic Pain Disorders, all brought on by stress. He pretended to be supportive, but used it as ammo against me, fueling a vicious cycle. We went to couples counseling, and the moment that abuse was made aware to the counselor, my ex had been caught. He was ready to flee before his cover was blown. He said that I was the abuser and that he had to get away from me. We lived together, and I had nowhere else to go. I couldn’t afford to pay rent anywhere else and had no family to stay with bc they turned their backs. He knew this and used it against me. He alienated me from friends, tried to turn me against my family, and he tried to gain control of my finances, but I wouldn’t let him. I tried SOOOO HARD to make him happy and have balance. Finally, I just stopped fighting back. Every day was ridicule, getting patronized for hours after I went to bed, getting no sleep before work the next day. It affected my work performance and I kept to myself. He followed me from room to room, picked locks to get in the room, barged in on me using the bathroom and watching me. I couldn’t even take a shower by myself without him taking it personal. We both went through each others email, facebook, phones, it was nuts. I had nothing to hide. He did. He started covering his tracks and never left his phone sitting out for me to see. If I went out, he bombarded me with meaningless texts, just to demand attention and wanted me to come home. But if he was with friends, he ignored me. When I had to travel for work, he’d practically usher me out the door. He was angry if I called him before bed and claimed he was going to sleep at 9 or 10 when he normally stayed up til 1 am. When i had to move for a few months, he broke up with me a week before i left. If I came home for a day or two, he’d convince me to stay the night and then blow off my phone calls. I worried what was going on but could never prove it, and he used that to his advantage. He pretended to be this heartbroken, selibate, guy, who had been so damaged by his distrusting girlfriend (me). The stress caused me to lose my job and when I moved home, we were back to normal. He made up situations that never happened to hold over my head and guilt me. He held lies over my head for years, throwing it in my face when we fought about anything. I gave up. I pretended to believe him bc that was easier than the torture I would endure for calling him out. I tried tactics from a book about codependency. I tried to change the subject or ignore his bad behavior, but that took attention away from him, which made him angry. I tried to say I wouldn’t allow that kind of treatment, but he saw that as a power struggle. I tried killing him with kindness, but that didn’t ilicit the dramatic response that he needed. I stopped defending myself, physically and verbally. If I cried, he’d mock and laugh at me. He’d come home late from work, leave just enough clues to make me wonder, but never enough to confirm suspicions. He’d leave and not say where, tell me it wasn’t my business, and berate me in front of his friends if i was upset. Sometimes, I’d go looking for him. I never thought he would cheat bc he seemed to be of such high moral upstanding. He spent an unhealthy amount of time with family. I later realized that was because of his controlling father. He claimed that sex was for a love relationship and had no interest in hooking up, but his taste for porn became more disturbing. Over time, he would strategically forget anniversaries and valentines day, break up with me before my birthday, shortly after his birthday. I always threw big parties for him. He pretended to pitty me, would do something for me on my birthday bc “no one else cared”. He always gave just enough to keep me hanging, but would pull his love away to keep me working for it. He became more and more confident, self absorbed, charming, and careless towards me. That cute little dorky guy from the beginning never existed. Or he sucked all the life out of me to feed his ego. The more he abused me, the more powerful he became. The last night, he verbally assalted me for hours, he physically attacked me numerous times, claimed that I made him want to kill himself, and then threatened to hurt himself with a loaded gun (not the first time). He dragged me out of my home by my ankles, threw my possessions outside, kept my keys and phone and locked me out. All of this because he was cut off in the middle of telling a story by the phone ringing. I ran to the neighbor’s to call the police. He chased me into my neighbor’s home, making a scene, and threatened to call the cops on me. The responding officer was a lazy ass who didn’t want to do his job, and lied on the police report about my statement. Statement read that I changed my story, that he merely bumped into me, and omitted every awful detail I’ve had to relive for the past month. Because I didn’t have a black eye or a broken bone, I wasn’t believable enough. I guess the red marks on my neck from being choked weren’t enough. I guess getting your face pinned to the floor wasn’t demeaning enough. I was threatened by the police chief not to further pursue the officer or an internal investigation. My ex was let off the hook. He claimed that I attacked him. Played the victim. Slandered me against everyone. After 4 years of abuse, I finally took a stand, and i was dealt a huge injustice. I fought for two weeks just to get the police report. I was never informed of my rights. By the time I found out that I had rights, it was too late to do anything. I didn’t want my ex to hate me, I didn’t want my family and friends to hate me. Everyone told me to let it go. After researching on my own, I finally filed an EPO. Everyone said it was too late, that it wouldn’t be granted. 3 weeks had gone by and my ex had happily gone about his life, bought a fast new car, changed the locks, took trips with his friends. Unbelievalbly, the judge granted the EPO. His 4 guns were confiscated by the police. I was scared of what’s to come. And then, I actually felt excited. I had faced so much adversity, and stood up, alone. My court date is in two weeks, and I’m scared, but I took the first step. Even if the case for a DVO is dropped due to lack of evidence (the bullshit false report), I get to tell my story. I get to bring him before a judge, and hopefully, nail this narcissist to the cross. The one thing a narcissist can’t stand, being forced to be accountable.
Hello Mandy (11.12.2014) I read your story and it resonated with me a lot. So much of what you wrote about reminded me of what I had gone through. I never know how I will ever know if he was cheating on me but I’ve heard the stories about not trusting him if I asked him any questions and he wouldt ell me his weeks work schedule and when he would be withhis family or friends but eventhen I wondered if he was really there. We rarely went anywhere, I was always the one who started the arguments, even though I was rarely able to speak (without me asking for permission) and the constant put dowsn, the yelling and mood swings and the emotional explosions and I have never met his family or rather most of them and most of his friends. I have been kept a veritable secret from him. We rarely go out anywhere and I’m often the one who is at fault for his bad moods or the reason he feels low or down and he has had several severe depressive bouts about his past and I have been told off for caring. He has made me doubt my sanity and the harder I tried to please the more demanding he got. I had him say to me he wanted a woman who was very obedient and very submissive and I always took that as in the bedroom but it was in every area of our life. It has ben on again and off again for almost 3 years and he has left me, no contact and then breezed back into my life with no apology or reason why he left and I took him back each time. Now I want to just get on with my life and forget the pain of the past.
Please I need an urgent advice
I am preparing stage 4 and it is going ot happen in 2 weeks, I have told our children, in form of my husband that we are getting a divorce. This happened a days after he physically abused me, I called the police and went into the station. He said to the police that he was not beating me up , but rather we were struggling and and that he also gut a slap on the face. So he is becoming more cunning a sophisticated liar (he is punching me in the non visible places- not on the face).
Anyhow, after I told children and him that ‘we have tried,we love them very much both of us and so on’, not a single word about their dad being a monster , and ‘we have to separate’.
After that he said ‘Are you finished?’, when I said that I am he said to the children “I do not agree, we haven’t tried hard. Your mother is the only woman in the world that I loved love and will love”(WE ARE TALKING ABOUT ONE DAY AFTER THE BEATING, cursing, calling the most dreadful names, the police and me not sleeping for the first time out of our home).
I made up my mind I am leaving and taking our 3 kids (16,14,11). Rented and apartment.
Told my sister and brother, mother, uncle aunts, and two closest friends.
I NEED AN ADVICE HOW TO move out. My brother and uncle will be there, I was thinking of informing the police but the biggest problem is telling the children we are moving out and telling him.
I know that the second I tell him I have to pack and leave. I can not pack before because he is not working, not going out of the house. He is dangerous, vindictive and the only thing he want is getting me under control so that I would suffer. He would k… me if he would not have to pay.
WHAT TO DO?
To Physicist: you are on the right track, and there is no easy way. My ex-husband uses the same words still to my daughter and her friends: “I love your mother.” They will, as Savannah says, use anything they think will manipulate you, including working through your children. They play dirty, and you just have to hold your head high and do what you need to do. Leaving is a big step. Divorce is another. Custody is another. Family celebrations are another. It is really not likely that you will be able to achieve total No Contact when there are children involved, but in spite of that I finally reached the detachment in my soul. Finally I feel free of the pressure from him. He can say to the children “I love your mom and I’m so nice and I can’t believe she’s so heartless to not give me another chance; I’ve changed,” and I can hear it and walk on and it no longer makes me feel like the villian. That is all him. Get yourself the support you need–friends, family, therapist, this column, etc. Keep at it. You can make it. And just keep taking most steps away from him. Sure, sometimes it feels like two steps forward and one back, but keep concentrating on those steps forward; you will make it. I’m convinced that the true detachment is emotional and has little to do with whether you physically happen to see him or need to communicate with him, though keeping that to an absolute minimum is prudent. This is something that you have to work through in your head while you are achieving it physically. Keep it up. Our stories are all so much alike, and you have us all behind you. 🙂
Hopefully you have already moved out and it was OK. Having your family there is excellent, and be ready to call the police. Do not hesitate to call if he so much as arrives and says a negative word. He is capable of killing you and the children. Do not doubt that for one instant. Get the advice of your lawyer.
Dear Kathy, thank you!
I did not move out, but I am still keeping the appartment. I let him know in front of the witnesses that I am filing for divorce (I got the papers and I will file them on Firday!). My sister adivced me not to move out without court order for the children, because he would come after me. And the lawyer said that in the mean time we both have rights 50-50% over the custody of children, and if I take them he could bring them back and than the children will have to pick a parent!!! What a awful thing. In the meantime we are living in our house and I adviced him, that it is better for everyone if he moves out (of course he does not want to but it is worth a try while waitning). I am thinking of trying to get a job abroad and take the kids but I would still need his permission because children are minors. We are not talking and the children are not that much upset about that. Patience. I am NOT going back to the same state ever againg! Thank you Kathy and everyone else.
To Physicist,
Yes, I had the same situation where my lawyer advised me not to move out, and that made it harder, but you do have to do it for the children as long as it is physically safe. Fortunately for me, at our first hearing the judge gave an order that my husband had one week to move out. I coudl not believe my good fortune; it helped me tremendously.
But one technique has helped me also because we still do have some contact, and that is to ignore him. Just don’t answer. It made him so mad that he sent me a text saying I was the meanest person he had ever met–and I didn’t respond to that and in a couple minutes he sent me another text saying that he was deleting my texts and my contact information from his cell phone. Which apparently he did and now he can’t text me! This is wonderful. Actually, I hadn’t realized how much those texts kept him in my mind. Now the only way for him to get my cell phone number is from my daughter–and he would have to ASK her for it, something he is not likely to do–but if he does, I know how nice it is to have no contact that I will simply block his calls.
I hope by now you have filed for divorce and will soon have a court-approved separation. It will help you so much.
I am still waiting for the court order for the custody for our children. It takes so long. My husband is sucking me in , manipulates children havily, especially the oldest boy, it is so hard. I can not concentrate to work think sleep. He has been acting so “nice”. The problem is he wont leave and I have to take children out of our( we build it toghether) beautiful house into rented flat. I am loosing my mind my patience, I am loosing the bettle …. HELP
Moved out! I feel like sh. because of my children. went from a beautiful home to a flat – not beautiful.
Two days before I left he took children and went to the room where I was sleeping, close the door, so I could not get out, got on the knees and begged me to forgive him, before the children. Four of us crying, my 3 children and myself. It was the worst experience, I cried and told him that he is a liar (A day before we went out to talk about the separation- he did not beg me to forgive him). This is so frustrating for my children, they do not deserve this.
Hi everyone,
I broke up with my ex about 7 weeks ago, started no contact but tere was a relapse, he begged himself back only to reject me, i then went back into no contact. We were together for 2 yrs, i got a facebook message in april from a girl that they had been having sex for 10 months then, he pretended he was single and created a double life. I forgave him, total codependent move, anyway slowly started to realise my worth and managed to end the relationship in october. I have been no contact for more than a month now. He just sent me friend request on instagram, what a tosser!!! He cannot even take the effort to write proper email, pathetic little coward.
However, it truly hurts me how his family and friends just discarded me. We were so close, and not one of them has contacted me…. But i guess, as the article mentions he has been probably lying about me.
I know i am better off without him, but at the moment everything seems dark and heavy.
So very nice to read all your comments lovely people! I am sending each and everryone of you lots of hugs and strength!!!
i am currently with an NPD for 4 years now. Its been the classic 3 phases, he met me days after his x had ended a 5 year relationship with him. It was the most amazing feeling, he told me he loved me after a week, he was attractive and wealthy, he constantly complimented me and bought me gifts, wanted to spend every waking moment with me, always calling and texting, wanted to marry me, and wanted me to get pregnant….a month into the relationship. which i should have seen as a red flag.
He would gloat about how attractive all the women are that he has dated and how men praise him for it.
His friends would tell me he always goes from relationship to relationship within a few days, never is single, and never shows any emotion when a relationship ends.
I though he was my soul mate, i even told him this, I couldn’t believe this man was single!!! Thought i hit the jackpot. Then after only a month, he became cold, would maybe text or call once a day, and very brief, leaving me heartbroken and confused wondering what i did wrong and what i need to do to change to make things how they were. He always picks fights with me and makes me think it is always my fault and wrong doing…which then i actually believed.
After our daughter was born, now 2, the physical abuse began. he knew at this point i was dependent on him especially financially. Emotional, mental and physical abuse are constant, with the physical being the least rehabilitating of them all.
He shows no intimacy, no feelings, there is no emotional contact.
Constant put downs while I try and try to be everything i thought he wanted. Be littles me and makes me his verbal punching bag.
Sex is only on his terms and with holds it to hurt me. States he doesn’t look at me that was “because your the mother of my kid” Yet he constatntly admires other women, in front of me too. He has thousands of pictures on his phone of women of the Chive, he has porn magazines and movies. he flirts all the time.
And recently I found out he has contacted his ex, and they have been communicating for 2 years!! And god knows what has happened there, he wouldn’t go home at night when i wasn’t living with him, i recently heard he tried to come on to a girl and he choked her when she shut him down. he’s always gone and gets mad when i ask where or what he is doing. he is very protective of his phone. And when i ask him about infidelity he becomes enraged, will destroy the house, and says people just tell me things things to try get us to break up cause they are jealous.
Then the silent treatment starts, which can last for days to weeks cause he knows it hurts me.
I cry and beg for him to change while he snubs me and tells me to fuck off and that he doesn’t care and that i should just move out, showing no emotion.
He’s never been there for me when I’m sick or had surgery. He has never remembered my birthday, and i have spent 4 with him.
He alienates his family and friends, and always has to be the centre of attention when we are in public, tries to be the funny guy making all the jokes and trying to show how smart he is. He only surrounds himself with people he think are intellectual and finically well off.
He shows no respect for women and will try be little them with his pathetic jokes.
He can’t handle an ounce of criticism at all, and instantly becomes angered and will tear any person apart that dares confront him or criticize his choices or ways of doing things.
He is overly loving to the kids, we also each have a daughter from a previously relationships, yet show me nothing.
Accuses me for talking to other men and cheating, and becomes infuriated if he finds out i am on any social media site. He tries to isolate me and convince me that my friends are all jealous and want me to leave him cause they probably want him and what i have ($$$)
I am 31 years old, trying to read your blogs and they have helped so much, yet i still can’t muster the strength to leave, to have to accept and feel the feeling that he doesn’t care and won’t care if i walk out the door. His heart won’t skip a beat and he will be on to his next conquest within days….which I’m sure he already has lined up.
I was a strong confident women when i met him, always said i would never let a man abuse me or control me. and now here i am, battered and left so hurt and confused. Desperately seeking the strength to leave for my sanity and safety.
Thank you for this article. Ive been with my Narc for 4yrs now. I had not realized until recently that there was anything wrong with him because he made me think i was the one causing our problems by being too needy/clingly/insecure. He had me reading all sorts of books trying to fix myself, tiptoeing around every topic that was important to me just so I wouldnt start a fight. Every time i tried to express my feeling he would make everything my fault, turn around and not talk to me for days on end. He would take away “privileges”such as taking me to work, sex and spending time with our son.Nothing I ever did was enough to please him and he would call me all sorts of names whenever he was “angry”. His phone was always off limits and he hated being asked about what he was up to no matter how innocently the question was asked. I am so tired of putting up with his inconsistency and mind games. I hope i can finally move on after years of pain and being treated like a mentally challenged child in this relationship.
Thank you so much for this article and for all of those brave souls to comment.
I am utterly and completely shattered and heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died. Most of all, I am completely shocked at how unbelievably blind I was at all the signs. Growing up in a phsyically and verbally abusive home, I always said to myself that I would never allow anyone to hurt me ever again! In fact, at the beginning, it felt as if he saved me from that life. I shared with him my horrible childhood and of all the abuse I endured (including sexual assault). It seemed to me that he helped me overcome that horrible concept I had of love and showed me (or so I thought) that intimacy could be a beautiful thing. I just can’t get over how this same person has now become so emotionally manipluative. In any case, he really is an admirable person (narcissism aside) with a very tragic childhood. He has no family to speak of.
In the beginning he was everything to me. I gave up so much in order to be with him (family, time, personal values, etc). I know this is a problem for me and probably displays certain traits of co-dependency on my part. Nonetheless, I started to realize over time that nothing I did was good enough. I always told him that he made me feel this way. He ALWAYS looked at other women, would have condoms, and evidence of other women’s phone numbers, email addresses, etc on his person. He kept in touch with ex-girlfriends even after I told him how unacceptable taht was for me. He blamed me and said that I was insecure. “You should know that I love you -otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” He disliked hanging out with any of my friends and always criticized them (as well as my family). I never once judged his crazy siblings who were never there for him. He rarely like planning vacation or time off together. We were together for over 7 years! Anytime I would bring up an issue about our relationship, he would never accept responsibility. Even after finding condoms in the car (we were supposedly monogomous for more than 7 years and never used them). He actually asked if it was ours?! I could not believe the blatant lie but I also couldn’t believe what was happening so I ignored and just moved on. Over the next years he would constantly belittle me in front of friends and family. Anytime I asked him to stop he said I was overreacting. He rarely told me I looked pretty or paid me a compliment. He would tell me I was smart, but not smarter than him. I’m a bit clumsy and he would constantly remind me how disorganized and lost I would be if it were not for him. I recently ended things with him and his response was to turn things around on me as if I was doing this to us.
I don’t even think he understands his behaviour. I sort of feel very sorry for him because I don’t know if he understands the damage that he will continue to cause his partner. I think he truly wants to be happy but doesn’t really know how to. Part of me wants to help him because I truly believe he is not a horrible person but just with a very troubled childhood. I mean if my family abandoned me I think I might be a little screwed up to. I genuinely love him and want him to be happy but at the same time I am very scared of getting sucked back into this vicious cycle.
Please guide me. I know I need to concentrate on my own well-being but how could I direct him to get help since I don’t think he even knows he is engaging in destructive, narcissistic behaviour.
CompletelyShattered I think you are in need of some tough love here. His problems are none of your business. You can’t want to fix him enough for both of you. Change comes from within not from without – meaning that if he wants to change then he is the only one that can do it – you can’t solve this for him. We were all like you – the little fixers that we are. We thought we could fix people and sort out their problems – if i was so good at fixing problems than why didn’t i fix my own? The truth is when you are so invested in other people’s issues it allows you not to look at your own. That’s what this is really about.
There is nothing you can do for him. You can’t guide him or steer him in anyway – I remember when my boomerang Narc kept treating me like crap, I actually thought, ‘oh maybe he just doesn’t know how to treat women’ – I actually thought I needed to teach him – the only one that got schooled was me. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is walk away. Teach him how you expect to be treated by not accepting poor treatment – teach him that you have boundaries – teach him that there are consequences to his actions and those consequences are that he doesn’t get to be a part of your life anymore. Be done with this drama and go no contact – it’s time to get control of your life back.
At the moment I feel like I’m bouncing around all stages. I’d come SO far with my N. I’d fully realized and recognized his perverse tactics, but fell off the NC wagon (after he contacted me again after 10 days of silence) to, again, have one of the most confusing, hurtful, and mindboggling conversations of my life.
This is a tricky N, there are no insults, outbursts, or out-of-control reactions. No lying (that I can see, of course, who the hell really ever knows), no “obvious” jealousy, no bragging, grandiosity, or the like. Just the calmest, most collected invalidation, discrediting, projection, and blame reassignment that you can imagine. Talking to him is what it must feel like to suddenly lose your ability to comprehend or articulate speech. You’re talking, alright, but the response you get is so lacking in context and validation, and so defies all what you’ve expected a normal, empathetic reactions to be, you really end up thinking there’s something wrong with 1. what you said, 2. your reality in general, and 3. your right to even have an opinion. It took me forever to realize that there is something wrong with HIS head, but this gaslighting is so effective, it’s shaved weeks off my progress. AGAIN.
I know NC is the only way to go. In fact, I fell off the wagon specifically to “do the right thing” and tell him this weird cat-and-mouse game is over (This game consisted of a weirdly uncommunicative, defensive, and unempathetic relationship, then utterly breaking my heart by breaking up with me a year ago, and moving out of town. The game continues with him using my attempts at building a respectful friendly post-breakup relationship over the last year as an excuse to drag me back into bed multiple times, create intimacy, then act like it didn’t mean a thing and, hey, exes sleep together all the time, and what do you mean there’s something to talk about? And why don’t you come visit, and oh, oops sorry, no way I’m going to acknowledge there needs to be some conversation about our mutual intentions before having sex on this visit. And wait, what? Oh, I’m so sorry, I never wanted to hurt your feelings, and the last thing I want to do is torture you. I told you I think we’re just not meant to be together.) You catch the drift.
He turned my last attempt at having a “closure” talk around so well, I now just long to PROVE to him how very over it is. And I recognize the hypocrisy, if it were over I’d have no inclination to prove any of it. It’s a vicious game, and I’m seriously at the end of my rope. How can it be that I’m still concerned with this sorry excuse for a person, and why can’t I just call it a day already? I’ve cut people out before, why can’t I do it with him? What on earth is happening? And why do I STILL want to be in touch with him?
What you’re feeling is 100% normal. I love the way you articulated this. You’ve said your piece to him, now you go no contact – every minute you’re away from him, you will become more sane – I promise. This is a) an addiction – a bad habit that you’re trying to break – it’s not easy and b) someone has wronged you – it’s normal to want some kind of justice. But….the only vengeance you’re going to get is by living a happy life without him.
This helped me a lot! I dated a very abusive dude. We were seeing each other for 6months, only serious for the last 3 weeks of it. This was over a year ago… But it destroyed me. He told me I was cheating. He did that entire “you’re not like other girls” he borrowed from me and never paid me back (I cut my losses)… It’s crazy. But I was so upset. He told me I did everything he* was doing.cheating ect… He finally messed up my face due to his huches* about me cheating. (Some of the things were insane! Like accusing me boning my boss in a target bathroom while shopping :/ ) I let him control me… I figured “I love him. Why not. I have nothing to hide.” Went through my bank accounts, phone, trash and email trying to find his “evidence” of me cheating. Found nothing bc I loved him and wasn’t cheating… Weirder after all this…. My friends told me that there was another person in my life who was a narcissist and was destroying me. Lol even members of this person’s family told me this, and to avoid this person bc they were pulling my strings. Ain’t no body got time for any of this.
Was in a N relationship for 25 years and married for over 15 of those. The N in this story was my ex wife. After reading these posts and doing my own research I can see why she ended up a N. Her upbringing was text book of a N. Anyway three kids later and she left me two years ago ?. Our 14 1/2 year old daughter lives with me full time and refuses to speak with her mother. Shall I say anymore. We share our boys 9 and 11. After years of nil affection and cold stares along with the mental torture, withholding sex, spending sprees,silent treatment – bi-polar like behaviour etc etc she finally left me ? I gave more than any man could give to keep this together always making exuses for her behaviour and over compensating to our children. I used to hear my daughter at the age of 9 years old crying and asking her mother “why can’t you love me”. Absolutely heart breaking to hear. Funnily enough I was called controlling by her and basically said I was everything that she actually was – You do start to question yourself but she is the master of projection and could smile and put on the facade for the public. Now looking back I lived through years of lies (one affair that I know of)and so so many fake moments. I feel so ripped off, apart for my 3 beautiful children. I should have left her so many times yet hung in there for the kids and family – only for her to leave me?? She has now partnered up with one of my boys best friends dads and doesnt have a problem ramming it down mine and my daughters throats, as if I never happend. All along displaying the perfect princess behaviour to her new conquest – who has no idea what lies beneath. Anyway what a journey – I feel so damaged from it all but trying so hard to protect the kids from this out of control adult with a childs brain. I know most of these posts are about N males but hey try living with a N female – the coldest person ive ever met and to think I married her.
Dear finallyover
you are writting and I see the mirror image of my life except my husband is npd and I am at the stage 3 right now geathering together for the Stage 4. 23 years / 16 married 3 kids. Physical abuse also getting more frequent over the years especially when I entered the Stage 2.
How incredible, a year and a half ago I did not know that this type of disorder really existed. I just thought that if I do this or that differently if I gave him more intimate things if I go along with his wihse in that if if if… Hiding ond covering ffor him with everyone.
It is good that she has gone maybe you would not have enough strenght because of the kids to say enough!
Right now I have no choice I do not want to cover him any more for the any abuse and he is using kids He is being nasty towards them which in the previous situations I would put myself in between and take the rage on me. Right now I saw that this is just a blackmail to get me under his severe control . He is now physically atackted me so the kids can realyy hear what is he doing. Before I would be quiet and he would also be ‘discreete’. Now I know that I have to break this up . But He has to leave not me and kids.
Dont feel sorry for yourself when you realize how beautiful is just looking at the sun and smiling to your daughter. Read and read every day (I do for the past 15 months) every post, specialized article (soon enough you will be able to tell how serious the article is) it will help you a lot and you will realize that you are the lucky one that she has left!!! you do not have to take also a burden of guilt whether you could cope with her ‘for the kids ‘ more, whether you could have done something differently, great she left !!! Have a celebration inside !!! I know you feel drained, used, fooled ,,,… and you were and are. But is is over read read read think and let go. I still did not come to that point and I’ll have to be the one to take the responsibility to make hime go in front of the kids (and everyone else for that matter). Stay good. All the best. Cheers
Dear Savannah thanks for this post
This is a great article. I’ve been with this man for 30 years. Of course there were good times but it seems as though things got worse as he got older, or maybe I finally just started seeing the real him. Today is a month since I have moved out and yes I do feel some peace and I know that I don’t want to ever go back. We still have to go through divorce proceedings etc but I think that I can handle that. The hard part for me was leaving the rest of my family but in the end I think that they will understand.
savannah, thank you for answering, I think he’s one of the go away n never contact, I’ll leave changing my phone number for now as it will cause me loads of bother. I’d just love to know he was as unhappy as he’d made me, but I’ll settle for peace n happiness for myself. N yes, it would be a great help to label them;) I don’t think I could stomach another relationship tbh x
hi, I have read the two blogs you suggested, I totally get the highs & lows with nothing in the middle. I definitely don’t want to ever see him again, I had never been afraid of him until that incident, I see him as an animal now, & don’t want to see or speak to him ever. I was just querying if it’s inevitable that he will try to contact me & If I should change my mobile number (he never has before, I’ve never given him the chance). Thank you for all these blogs, it has really changed everything for me, they should be on a register of some sort, like sex offenders.
Veda it’s hard to say – sometimes they are relentless and sometimes they just cut you off like you never existed. I’ve had both. If you can handle him texting you again and by that I mean won’t read it and will just delete it – then don’t get a new number if it will upset you and make your emotions all out of whack then do it. I love the idea of a national Narcissist registry – that’s brilliant 🙂
I have only found out that I have been in a relationship/friendship for the last 4 Yrs with an N!!! It’s like reading my own story. I have been through the same things, constantly told I’m stupid, fat etc..It ended on 24/8/14 after a holiday with him, his 15 yr old son & a friend he hadn’t seen for 15 yrs. He is ex army n I have always thought this was the problem! He also hates his father & said that he didn’t treat him the same and he wishes he would die. I was a confident woman when we met, (I am not stupid or fat) all the danger signs were there now that I’ve read these posts, the no sex so I felt like he found me repulsive etc. He was going to drive home drunk at 1am in the morning & I tried to talk him into some sense, it resulted in him dragging out of his car by my hair and throwing me that hard onto the garden, I had grass burns all up my arm!! A Ur hadn’t passed that I’ve had 2 operations for breast cancer and in June my grandson died, he knows that I was at an all time low. I (to my embarrassment) had messaged him, begged him & he has done what these monsters do all the time & ignored me (he knows that my family now what he did) Now that I am really getting strong & over him (I even look different) should I expect him to try & contact me? (I’ve never given him the chance n always begged him) should I change my mobile number? Today I was looking through pics on my phone & I actually felt pity for him, that has really scared me. Hope someone can respond as I’m confused as to why I should give this monster any thought at all.
Veda please read both of my blogs on trauma bonds, the one entitled are you addicted to a narcissist and the one entitled are you mistaking intensity for intimacy – this explains why we get addicted to the highs and lows in abusive relationships.
Oh my! My narcissist has been my boss & ‘friend’ for 16 years. She’s decided to close the business and I’ve become her target in the ending of everyone’s security. I’m being blamed and called ‘f*&king victim’ and the like because I have cried a lot over this end. Now the Narcissist is gathering everyone and the attacks are coming in!! It really is hard to stand my ground, I so want to defend myself. I’m blocking my phone and staying away from social media because of all this. I feel strong between attacks but when they come it feels as though my heart will beat out of my chest. I knew who she was long ago but it really did feel good to be “in”. I scared I won’t make it all the way through.
This blog is saving my mindset right now. Currently trapped, trying to get myself out. Was offered a job out of state and haven’t accepted it yet due to my own fear and guilt of leaving him. We have been together for 7 years, and I shamefully admit that the idea of leaving him permanently scares the hell out of me, I’m terrified I’ll never recover. Do I take the job? My head, heart and gut are all telling me different things. I want freedom. I want to be 100% happy with my life! not just parts of it anymore. I am praying for the confidence and strength to do this. Any advice is welcome. Help.
I desperately need to get out of my narcissistic relationship. He is killing me. I don’t feel strong enough. I always seem to get sucked back in. We have built a business together that I have paid for. I know that he will tell people lies about me and I will lose respect from many of my well respected peers and colleagues. I’m devastated. I love him. 🙁 how can I do this?
This page is very informative. I feel if I keep reading it every time I have doubts about leaving my N then maybe I’ll finally be able to do it. I’ve had 3.5 years of hell. I could never understand why the lack of intimacy and the sex left me feeling he could have been with anyone. Never even a kiss during sex, just a means to an end to him. The constant lies and cheating have destroyed me and the lack of any sort of normality within the relationship. It’s only been today that I have told him it’s over so he’s done his usual disappearing act. I’ve had the silent treatment since yesterday which will go on for days and it’ll be all my fault yet again. I want to hate him but can’t as it’s not in my DNA. I remember back to all the things he has done to help destroy me emotionally and yet have sat all day in an anxious state like some crazy woman! I know once he realizes that it really is the end he’ll start his manipulation to get me back and tell me how much he loves me etc. I’m going to try so hard and not back down even though I love the guy! Crazy I know. I am 50 and every relationship has been similar. It’s like I’m only used to constant anxiety that these men cause. I’m at the stage where I know I can’t keep having him back. I should do what his ex has done and go no contact for the past 4 years and it still angers him! I hope one day everyone on here will be free and living a happy healthy life. Thank you for this life saving page.
As a survivor of a long standing marriage with a narcissist, I can, it seems, never get enough reassurance and validation that calling the police, charging him, and leaving was the right thing to do – as obvious as it seems. Thank you for this page, it is tremendously supportive
Thanks so much for this article! Trying to get my head wrapped around the fact that I have been in a marriage/relationship with a Narcissist for 43 years! And leaving him is complicated by the fact that he has terminal cancer and I have been his caretaker for the past three years! How bad does that make me look in leaving him. Can you imagine the spin he is putting on that? He is actually still quite capable of taking care of himself (A friend who is a hospice nurse has assured me of this)and he is still playing golf almost daily, doing yard projects around the house, but then tries to tell me that he has to have me to be able to eat and care for himself. I am 62 years old, married him when I was 20 and am just now realizing what a narcissist really is! He was threatening to leave me and so when he broke an agreement we had to try to work things out I stayed away for a night (with HIS sister)and he accused me of leaving him. He “took possession” of our home and told me to get my things out. So I am actually really thanking him now because he has forced the issue. I’ve been with MY sister now for a month + and have a fantastic support system around me including my children who are both married and have seen this in the father for a long time. They just knew that I would have to reach my breaking point before I was ready to see the truth. I’m there and thankfully am actually just about done with Stage Three and because of his actions actually into parts of Stage Four! It feels good, but there are still pangs of guilt due to the situation with his cancer. He really is in a great deal of physical pain – he is dying, but it came down to whether I was going to let him take me with him or not. The disease has put his narcissism into full throttle! His kids have come to grips that they have already lost the “daddy” they always thought they had and are mourning his death already. Their request to me was – Please don’t let him take you too. We can’t lose you both! Such a sad situation, but one of his own choosing. Even though I feel that I have given my whole life to him at this stage in my life, at least maybe I can look forward to a little peace in the sunset of my life! Bless you for giving me hope and understanding!
I think this blog may have more comments than any, and here I am, almost a year later, and wondering why I am stuck again. Earlier today I identified that I am being codepdednt again–worrying about him and his emotional needs. Turmoil today and took a hot shower and some motrin and searched my files on my computer and found the copy I had made of this blog. Speaks so clearly to me now. I had reverted to stage I and II, but now have made plans for total no contact, with a timeline of removing all stuff and excuses for contact. A shark will not quit circling your boat as long as you keep throwing tidbits over.
I was stuck in stage 3 for the last two years of a five year relationship with my N. I can only describe it as hell. He moved it with me and getting him out was another challenge that took longer than I expected. I didn’t have the heart to call the police because I wanted the end to be as amicable as possible.
He eventually left, but has continued to get his revenge in any way possible. Once I stopped taking his calls, he started sending me text messages detailing how selfish and cruel I am. Despite the fact that he bought a home shortly after, he’s continued to tell me that I left him homeless. The list goes on.
One thing I realized is that as soon as he found my replacement, he quieted down… but still continues to send me emails (all contact goes ignored). I’m not foolish enough to believe he misses me, it simply hurts his ego that I’ve shut him out and he’s determined to prove to himself that he can get me back any time.
I also realized that *I* was the replacement for the last girl who suffered before me. I just didn’t realize what she went through because he painted her as a needy woman who just couldn’t make him happy. Sadly, I believed it.
When I think about all the ex-girlfriends he told me about, the story is very similar… it’s a cycle and I’ve now become one of them.
Hello! I’m excited about a new life. I’ve been married for 20 years, together 26 total. I always knew my husband had issues in his childhood. We married young 20s, I matured and he got stuck. I wish I knew about narcissism then. I see him in this egotistic whirlpool spinning round. Thankfully I still have my self esteem and my humor! I am at stage 4, I subtely picked out the valuables that I wanted and rented a storage. He did say he will be leaving back home out of state. I’m doing reverse psychology, feeding his ego by telling him his family needs him & nows the time to do it!
im in stage 3..heading for stage 4 now. finally not scared, finally not feeling guilt, finally not feeling its my fault and im crazy. FINALLY….
this is my journey.. and i want it back!
I am married to this N for 15 years. He lost his parents at a tender age. All along i kept making excuse s for him. I was there for him when he was battling alcoholism. I am at stage 3to 4.
I just learned what a narcissist is..they should have my ex husbands picture on file..yelling DANGER! !..im very close to stage 4we have some loose ends to finish up on..working with him takes alot of prayer..I like to read up on this more so I dont fall for this agin
I thank you for a helpful article.
I’m on stage 4. I can not describe how free I feel. I have struggled to get out of the grip from my family for many years, and now it feels like I’ve done it. For years I went back and forth. It made me very sick.
One of the best aspects of being away from it is the feeling of clarity in the head. I have a lot of energy that I can spend on other things than to lift myself out of the ashes or live in fear of attack.
Now when I look back – I understand why it is so incredibly important to leave such people. For years I thought I could have a positive effect on them, but my contact with them reinforced the negative characteristics.
I am free and it’s wonderful.
Thank you.
Very good article except for one small detail not all narcissists are men. You keep saying “he” it should be him/her or he/she. I have been living with a narcissistic wife/woman for 4 years and it has been brutal and that’s putting it in a nice way. I wish all well weather it be a man or woman get out as fast as you can. I’m planning my escape now…
Thank you for your comment drt but do you honestly think you are educating me on this…
@drt1956
Dear you are definitlyu correct, this does not apply to most of the good and proper amongst man that I now. This is the minority of the of the mail population (but it is growing) and certainly there are women with this also.
In search for an answers for my NPD husband I contacted one of his friends, because he showed somehow that my NPD told him something about us (I am in the stage 3. for 10 months now, he went to silent treatment and by doing so he unintentionally released me). To my surprise to find out that he has been living with his NDP wife. Amongst other things his wife told him that she would kill him if she would not have to go to jail for that and that she has these dreams about crushing his bones. He is 6 foot something big guy, never layes a hand or her. Poor soul
Love this website! Love all the comments!
I’m probably older than most of you. I’m 65. I recognise that I’m in stage 3 and have come a long way in my growth and understanding.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I firmly believe it can never be as bad as the past.
I am 8 days into my breakup and am awaiting the character assassination portion.
When I finally had the courage to kick him out of my apartment, that is when his behavior became REALLY bizarre and I realized who and what he was.
*I kicked him out because he financially leeching off and me and is alcoholic. I came home unexpectedly early one night from an out of town trip, and he and a friend had TRASHED my apartment. There was urine all over the bathroom floor. Cigarette butts in the kitchen sink. Spilled wine and weed, everywhere. He already drank THREE LITRES of wine that night — two of those cheap, bulk bottles — and came home with ANOTHER one in hand. When he walked in the door, he saw me packing his things. He was shocked and could not understand why I was mad. The next morning, I calmly said “get out, leave the keys on the dining table” and I drove to a friend’s house.
*He dragged out the moving process and would not return my keys. He put off coming to get his things. When he came the second time, he drove for two hours with a full trunk — he didn’t have any room to take everything. He said he needed “one more trip.”
*That’s when it started: He started calling and texting for no reason. He’d say “I just made it home. If you care.” Then the overly sweet messages came in, him begging me to take him back. I decided to keep him at bay and not anger him, to get my keys back.
*One night I was shopping, buying something for myself and a new bedset in the colors that I, NOT HE, wanted. He called a few times when I was in Nordstroms. I didn’t answer. I was then sent a barrage of texts, saying that I “was out being single.” He “accused” me off hanging out with my best female friend — a strange thing to say, but he hated her and tried very hard to isolate me from her, and always got VERY angry with me when I did hang out with her. He even went so far as to accuse me of doing drugs, when I don’t even smoke pot. He kept this up for the next few days, asking where I was, what I was doing and who with. Not responding angered him beyond belief, because it meant I was now independent and he was losing control.
*I came home from work and found that he gotten his things and left the keys. He also left a note. Guess what it said? The note accused me of cheating. That I must have cheated on him the whole time and that I broke up with him “for someone else.” By not responding to his calls and texts, after we had BROKEN UP, it meant I was cheating.
This is when I made the fatal mistake. I called him to defend myself. Why did I need him to know that I was not cheating, when I never did?
Once he got me on the phone, he started roping me back in. That phone call led him to coming by. Led to us having sex. He asked if he could have his keys back, as if nothing happened. I actually considered being with him but just not living with him.
HUGE MISTAKE. I left him again, 8 days ago, this time for the final time. Why? Because he sat at my apartment for one week, waiting for his check to come in. Once he got his check from work, he said he was going to a friend’s house to have a “couple glasses of wine.” I started panicking. He then later called me at midnight, saying that he dropped acid. It was a Thursday. He is 34 years old.
This time when I left, I enraged him on purpose, hoping that if he got upset enough, he’d discard me mentally and leave me alone.
He came to my apartment and got his things, but again, did not return the keys! He was hiding nearby waiting for me to come home. Then he came into the apartment, called me a “dumb bitch” and threw the keys instead of handing them to me.
I smirked at him and did not react. The only thing I said to him was “Goodbye,” when I closed the door behind him.
He has used social media before to try and tarnish my reputation and make himself the victim. I must say that while I am getting on with my life, I am nervous that he’s going to hover back when the next girl does not work out. My friends are also worried that I have not heard the last from him. Moving into a new apartment is not feasible any time soon — because I let him ruin me financially.
Good read thanks everyone
Just one question the narcissist is my brothers new woman. Classic case.I confronted her my mistake.my brother is in denial. She is non communicating.my brother is the last ofthe family I dont want to lose him.I know I have to stop worrying and let him make his own mistakes.she has cost many thousands of dollars with her threats.my brother and I are paying it back I get so angry she is lucky she does not live close.yet I have to be nice for him.constructive advice welcome.
What about someone who has two children with a narcissicist…..how do you get out without looking back and without being a target?
w ell I am out by 2 weeks , and I thought I could never do it and here I am sitting in my own apartment in total peace after 34 years of total abuse by my N wife . only with the grace of god and family did I get the strength and courage to pull this off . so many times I dreamed of leaving but could never do that , because she even controlled the money I made . until finally after a bout of her cleaning out the bank account every time she went into a rage , did I finally get control of the house money after her saying if you can do any better at managing the money you do it . well in 2 years I had enough to get out and get started on getting clear of this woman , who turned my life upside down for 34 years of marriage and 4 years of dating . I am ashamed as a man to say what I took from this woman , in hopes of the love I so required as a human being . but every move in her life was a well calculated one , but in the end her well educated adult kids knew what she had done to destroy the family bond only to feed her n/behaviour . well I am in therapy and I will survive this mess that consumed the better part of my live . before I new about a n/ personality the only way I could describe her was she is the devil . and oddly folks as this site mostly refers to men ,, this is my wife . please pray that god gives me the strength to stay clear of my abuser of34 years
Question for others , my N was the best in bed , just wondering if the others are? But it was always on his term, when how often.
Ida I think only the Somatic Narcissists are good in bed. I can tell you from experience I’ve had both and the cerebral ones that I’ve had are awful.
My ex narc was the worst I have ever been with, in that field. He rejected me and didn’t want to get intimate. I begged him for a passionate kiss and he never gave it to me for over a year. So at least you had good sex! I was totally rejected and he made me feel bad about my body.
Wow, hang in there. I finally am at Stage 4. It does come. Keep at it. No one can make it go faster, except maybe by getting counseling. Keep at it. This column will help you. If you backslide, don’t worry, get back on track when you realize it. Keep reading. You are not alone, and you, too, can make it.
I’ve been married for over 18 years. I am so blessed to find this information as my journey begins. May God bless us all! <3
I know what he is.. I’ve known,,,I’ve tried to confide in friends,,they do not want to hear it,,,they see this great guy who adores his wife, I have no friends, my family has all turned away, I am grieving the passing of my son, my dad, my health in the crapper, what financial blessings dad left is GONE, of course I had everything to do with that too,,NOT,,,, all I have left is this house my dad left to me, and the hub thinks it’s his too,, he has drugged me in order to have sex with me, that stopped because I called him out on it, and found the stash of my meds he had hid… well of course I’m the one taking anxiety meds . I am skin and bones, he eats everything in sight, leaves little for me, and I can only digest certain foods with my digestive issues, I fear if I do not get out of this, I will die or take my own life as an escape. I have no support system, none. I’m scared , but I’m even more afraid of him, and so damm tired of being made to feel like I’m losing my mind. this is my second narc marriage, gawd they seem to gravitate to me. I’m scared and alone in this and I really don’t have a whole lot of energy to expend. he even had my grief counselor fooled and even our pastor, how the hell can I find support when he makes it look like I’m the crazy one??? i’m going to reach out to one friend ,,, I think she will understand. then all I can do is pray. my own daughter has turned away, and rightly, why should she have to deal with this insanity. she sees what is happening and is mad as hell at me for not doing something about it. ok done with my rant, so glad I found this page,,thank you , all you,,so very brave <3
I left my home , gave my horse away, moved into hud housing , because I was married for 15 yrs and know a young woman who was killed by her N husband. It took 2 yrs of planning but I did it. I have been in therapy free thru the ywca 2 yrs. This gave me the back bone to realise I was 100%corect he was a N and there is NO pill for it. MY 32 yr old son has more good feelings for him and doesnt see him as what he is.he sees me as the complainer. Oh well , I am the 1 that can be happy. My Husband is every line on the list of 16 traits. So I need not tell of the horrific years I have spent, 2 nites I slept with my door locked with a knife under my pillow. I am into the 7 th month of divource .he is buying my home .had a bad attorney. Never hire a firm! I fired her and got a new 1.finially got a voice and spine.i share with everyone the word narcissist, divorce records are public info u can check on someones past easy and never hire a firm attorneys. I an on the last step , I talked 2 him taped him as he said alot that could be used against him if we end up in court , then I started to complain each time he called!and he has not called in almost 2 wks..yippie! Thats how u loose a N that keeps on calling and saying love, with bye.
I have been away from N almost a year. He’s convinced both our kids that I abandoned the family and now neither child speaks to me, they are 16 and 23. He sends me emails telling me I must come home because the kids are hurting without me. I have told both they are most welcome to come live with me. But he tells them I am keeping money from him and they can’t eat, and I won’t return his emails. In general he as alienated my kids from me. So he has exacted the ultimate punishment.
The only way back to my kids is through him.
I am having such a hard time getting past my self doubt. I was wondering if anyone would be so kind as to lend an ear and help me work through my emotional attachment to someone I thought I loved.
My self-worth is nearly completely gone. I felt suicidal during the marriage but somehow built the courage to leave, but being replaced so quickly (in 6 weeks he was living with another woman prettier, thinner and richer than me), has hurt much more than I expected and has left me void of any remaining sense of self. I keep trying to think to myself….this is what you wanted, you’re free, you should be celebrating….but all I can think is that after he took all my money, I’m here in my home, alone and broke and he rides off into the sunset with my replacement. He traded up. And I’m nothing but forgotten. In his narcissist mind, I’m a crazy lunatic and my leaving him was the best thing that ever happened to him. And that’s what I’m left with. It’s awful. I read these articles and posts like my life depends on it because maybe it does. All sense of the future or hope feels lost. I feel like I’ve been used and just tossed in the trash.
JAK trust me we have all been there. In time you will come to be thankful that you are, ‘all but forgotten.’ Do you honestly think he’s going to change who he is? In the beginning of every new relationship he is Prince Charming and will look like and act like the perfect bf – think back to when he won your heart, he didn’t do it by being the jerk that he is – he put on his best facade and only revealed his true colors after he knew you were hooked and the same thing will happen with her. You on the other hand can change, you can grow, you can be better and be happy. This is honestly an amazing time for you. This is your wake up call. The purpose of all this pain is to jolt you out of the shell you’ve been living in and force you to become aware – to wake up and to find your purpose in life. If it didn’t hurt so much the lesson wouldn’t be as potent.
I have been in a relationship for 9 years with my N. That would be 9 off and on as we all here know they come in and out of your life with unkept promises only blame us and the awful way we treat them. If I have to hear how everyone else thinks he’s the nicest people they have ever met one more time and how they tell him I’m crazy and I’m the only person in his life that does not get him. With the help of almost a year of counseling and a book I just read about being with an N I have the courage to kick him to the curb. Loved reading all the posts on hear, feels
As if I wrote them all. Very angry, but determined!
I’m sorry I think I have to ramble. I’m starting to put the reality of everything together
1. Her sister fixed us up on a blind date. I knew the second night she was weird, and even sent her a text saying, “You & I are very different in many ways, you are an interesting lady but lets cool it….that way no body goes to the hurt locker.”
2. She showed up that Friday night at my apartment & took me home with her to what I thought was her & her mother’s house. Her mom & and her now 14 yr old son were at the “lake house.”
* a sinking feeling was that I was being “captured for prey.” Christ I wish I had walked when I did.
3. I became the greatest thing since sliced pizza in front of her family. Her mother did and still does love me. Her children, who I’ve come to recognize as being tortured emotionally, despised me. I’m good with kids, so I was a little confused, but not hurt. I realize later that the only thing they have learned is selfishness & I represented nothing more than an obstacle to their mother. They were like feral children living in a mansion. She stood there and did nothing to ease my discomfort. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I was on my own.
4. Throughout the next 12 months she “cycled” emotionally. I realize this now. But then she kept attaching reasons to why she was acting weird (her kids , her x husband, her property from the divorce, her low earnings, etc.). She would “go off the radar” & I realize now that she has a hard time keeping the mask on for more than 4 or 5 weeks. Sooner or later it would come off. When it did, I said adios. Problem is she would come back with tears saying I mean so much to her, and was just going through a hard time and beg me to come back. Again, this went on for a year.
5. I finally broke somewhat free this past fall (September 2013). I was doing well, but sure enough, she contacted me around Christmas.
6. I kept her at arms length, which is actually her comfort zone because I tend to be extremely intuitive and can read people ( I guess I’m not too good at accepting the inevitable sometimes if I’m attracted to someone). This makes her uncomfortable. When I started doing things that were healthy for me socially (and physically) in, lets say Late January, early February, she started becoming very attentive. For some reason, me having good friends raddled her. She kept a good face on, but I could tell she was threatened that I was starting to “spread my wings.” She started making excuses about wanting to meet my friends, when all she wanted to do is dominate them socially (yes I witnessed this once 7 never allowed her back out with me when I was out with my buddies.)
7. I could tell the whole time that her moods would shift, but I basically just ignored her when she was bitchy. She was the one who wanted to get a stronger connection. I got too confident & thought..yes she is very difficult, but I can balance it. The my own life became unbalanced
8. When I injured myself, and need a ride home from the hospital she became the most emotionally abusive people I have ever encountered. Movies couldn’t replicate the horror I endured the night I let her drive me home from surgery.
9. Have I learned anything about myself during this nightmare? I learned that a person with a good heart can get used to anything when they deal with a predator if they aren’t careful. And yes,…I surrender, I want a healthier life and mind and I have to not let this narc/spath woman back into my life. She will not stop until she destroys me if I let her. She has almost made that clear in her own words being the forthcoming sweetheart that she is.
Tonight was the night I ended it. After eight and half years I gave up. All the cheating , lies, being bullied I just had enoughThe last straw was on Feb, 14, when he sent me an email card for valientines day but for some reason it showed all the cards he sent to other woman, telling them he missed them, wish they were there. Now he won’t stop calling and sending me such bad email. If I even talk to him he will only blame me for something else. Tell me he will marry me in the future and the list goes on.
Thank you all for sharing your painful, yet victorious stories! I have been manipulated, cheated on multiple times, tricked, lied to, pulled in then pushed away, on a pedestal I never wanted to be on, then shoved off just as quickly (for what?), entrapped, accused, etc. etc. etc. for 3+ years. The reason I have returned over and over? He JUST found out (at 61) that he had been abused as a small child, and I was the “only” one he could count on. (Of course EVERY woman in his life has either abused, used or deprived him, except me…until I call him on his outrageous behavior. Then I am joining the ranks of abusers!!) I HIGHLY recommend a book entitled Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of Controlling and Angry Men, by Lundy Bancroft. Excellent, straightforward look at what’s really going on with these emotional, and/or physical bullies. I feel so sad, because I believed that we were true soul mates (unfortunately, I have found out that he used all this “soul mate” language on at least 4 other women, while I was exclusively and commitedly focused on us. I started to drive to his place last night, and as has happened for about 2 years, a lump started forming in my throat as I was making my way towards him. I decided to turn around, and lo and behold, the lump vanished! My body has been telling me what my mind wasn’t ready to admit: he never loved me, but was more than happy to use me for his pleasure, fun and emotional punching bag. I am on my way to freedom now. I am in stage 3, but am committed to moving toward stage 4 for the sake of my soul, my children, my friends, my God. I recently watched my daughter go through a terribly painful, but necessary break up. She was a mess…for about 3 days. Then she summoned her resources, and started bravely moving forward. I can, and will, do the same. God did not create any of us to be enslaved by abusive narcissists. No matter what happened in their past, letting them get away with mistreating us does them absolutely NO GOOD, either. I pray that each and every one of us walk. free from the abusive, manipulative, never-satisfying cycle of the narcissist’s “love”, into peace, wholeness, real love, and life. As a Christian, I pray in Jesus’ Name (who, by the way, did not ever stand for narcissists pretending to love God or others, when they were really using both to their own ends!!!) God bless your souls!
Dear all,
The more time I spend on this website reading your comments the more I come to see that you have experienced exactly the same behavior. I went through the 3 phases, I felt bad about myself when being around him, (…). Everything you are writing about happened to me.
In the end he forgot my birthday and broke up with me the day after because I was hurt and had complained. I am trying to get over it but am experiencing difficulties. However, all of you, please read this scientific paper: “Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game-playing” which was published by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (http://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/artvit/campbell2002.pdf). It made me feel a bit better seeing that scientific studies prove his completely hurting behavior towards me.
I wish you all the best and that you forget about this person as quickly as possible! YOU are great and warm and kind and should never even think the opposite!!
I too have experienced this hopeless situation. Always trying to give the N the benefit of the doubt. He always tells me what I say is wrong, how I see him is wrong, how I feel is wrong. He tells me who I am and what I feel and what I need to do. Feels he should not do anything for the tekationship and I should do it all. However he only texts once in a while. Get together for an evening. Has to get up early to leave. Never wants to hang out or share time. Doesn’t share anything personal and heaven forbid I ask anything about what is going on in his life. Everything is a huge secret. Yes after 15 years I need to be strong and move on. How to do it. If I ignore his texts he keeps them up until I respond by saying it will be his last text if I don’t respond. He knows I love and give him it all but nothing in return. He is not a nice man
Wow! This is so great to read. I have been so lonely for the past 6 years. My N was “unhappily” married and was just in it for his kid. Well, over the years the kid has become an adult, and nothing has changed. For over a year now he has promised divorce but she won’t “let” him. He has moved out twice of his home, only to go back again. This last time was the worst. I have read about the D & D (devalue & discard) and I have lived that time and time again. I want to write more but it’s really hard. I am hoping I can write more & get feedback from other people going through this. I don’t really have anyone to talk to and I worry I exhaust the friends I do have. Right now, he is telling me he loves me more than anything in the world and will always love me, but has to take this journey to go back to his wife. It’s all about money, so why do I even want to be with this guy? But, sadly I still wish he’d come back.
Meredith, I know what you are going through. I have one very supportive girlfriend who went through the same last year and now she is in a good place. I would be willing to share my experience with you as it is fresh. Message me and we can communicate.
I had to take a deep breath before posting. Thank you for this amazing write up as it is so spot on. The unfortunate “N” that I had the pleasure of dealing with was a married father of two. I totally fell for all his lies. I played the fool, and watched while he victimized other women, particularly single women. All the while thinking to myself how can his wife be so supportive of this, what kind of sick partnership is this? The feeling is beyond disgusting when you realize that a person will say anything to gain your emotional trust only to drop you like a used toy when they have moved on to their next “supply”. This paragraph…”A Narcissist needs followers and the attention they bring, so you can expect to be bad mouthed and in the retelling to anyone that will listen, expect that he will spin it, so the story parleys you as the evil doer and our poor Narcissist as the victim”, is very true. I learned to ask all the pertinent questions upfront and to take my time to avoid this happening again. Don’t disregard those red flags, they are slapping you in the face, don’t ignore them.
I ended it with the N today and felt the best relief ever. No more lies manipulation always waiting for him to fall in love all he wanted was sex but only when he wanted and he isn’t an empathetic lover very cold and always said how much he cared for me my well being and only communicated through text always very secretive about his whereabouts strange guy but so glad I got sick of his craziness extremely insensitive never felt remorse always felt he did good kind things claiming he cared for my well being because he would contact me every couple weeks just to know how I was but never to go out with friends just hanging out once in while late at night for a quick and unsatisfying sex it took me one year to get rid of this vampire now I am happy happy happy more than I have ever been the pressure is gone the frustration is no more oh I am going to sleep real good love this feeling and the power I have again feels great!!!
This article is amazing – just amazing. I am definitely in stage 3 where he makes me sick or bores me to no end. I also really appreciate the guidance about allowing the feelings rather than cover them up.
Not sure how I will end it, but after 32 years with a malignant narcissist husband, I dream of my freedom. I pour energy into thinking of an alternate life.
I had a narcissist mother, so I know it can be anyone.
I have been involved with a narcissist for all of 2013. I am ready to get out, stay out. My problem… he is my neighbor. I don’t want to be enemies. Everything written in your blogs is indicative of this relationship. I want to know how to “no contact” when it is someone who lives two doors from you! He has multiple lovers and I stupidly entered into this relationship. I want to start 2014 off right and that involves reclaiming me!!!
Been married to an older man for 11 years. I met him at 17 and we have 2 children. Now I’m 32 and I can no longer deny what he is. what he’s doing to me and more importantly my boys. I’m scared but more angry/fed up. He’s good at pulling me in to his arguments and talking in manipulative circles. all I can ask is you pray I have strength in this.
@Survivor – I read your comment and was taken aback at how closely it resembled my own life. My mother is a narcissist, my father an angry drunk. My brother and I grew up believing my father was the sole destructive force in our childhood because of his overt behavior. Once we separated from our parents and had families of our own we realized our mother is a narcissist of the highest order and our younger sister has followed in her footsteps creating decades of turmoil for herself and her family, neglecting her own children to the point of being removed from her home by police. We’re trying to stop the cycle with her two young daughters, ages 9 and 7. I do hope this works and we can ensure better odds for these innocent children.
I cannot seem to let go completely and stay away from my abusive ex-partner. Things officially ended last January and there have been periods of no contact that I’ve been able to maintain the longest being a month, but somehow I keep going back for more abuse and pain. I’ve been seeing a therapist and though it has helped I keep letting him come and go as he pleases. I know he’s been with other people but as early as a week ago he came back and gave me a deadline to be with him 100% and on his terms otherwise he told me to go F myself forever. He has been squatting in a home that has gone into foreclosure and then he told me that he’s staying with a “friend” When I ask him where or who’s he’s staying with he tells me that it’s none of my business since we’re not together, I wasn’t a real partner and there when he needed me, and that he’ll only disclose any information when and if we are back together. He’ll constantly tell me not to contact him and then I don’t and just when I start to feel a bit better he comes back around like he knows I might be a little better and I get hurt and set back all over again. I keep looking at his public postings on Google and this past weekend I saw a reply publicly from a female and of course because I’m a glutton for punishment I found postings on another social media site where he is “following” her and she’s “following” him. I deleted the account I had on that site because the only reason I created it was because he asked me to in order to send me things about he wanted to dress me etc. It cuts me right to my core because that’s what he’s doing with her now. I’ve been crying nonstop, cannot focus on work, and am an emotional wreck. I waste so much time trying to figure out why he does these things to me. I’m stuck thinking how happy he is with her and how miserable I am. I also think that she must be better than me and I’m comparing myself to her and how lucky she is because I’m sure he’s being so great and doing all the nice things and events he used to do for me with her now. I don’t understand why he keeps coming back to me if he’s found someone else? Why tell me he still loved me and wanted an “us” and then I see the other female? Is he with her? Did he do all this on purpose for me to see? Does he think I’m an idiot and it’s a game to him to see if I’ll keep hanging around? I’m so hurt and feel so unbelievably low. I know I deserve better treatment. I wish he would stop treating me this way. I wish I was stronger and felt better about myself. I wish I understood why he keeps doing this to me. I wish I could let go completely. Any insight would be helpful.
SB I feel sorry fro his dog! My ex used to obsess about his cat, scooping it up and petting it when it clearly didn’t want the attention. It’s all about power and control… Ugh, so glad I have seen the light. Interesting to find out how many narcs call their girlfriends/wives pet names? I was his ‘little bunny’ when actually I’m a rather tough old bird now that I’m totally free, LOL
The only way is to get away. I was entangled with an N for 4yrs. I eventually decided to trick him as he wouldn’t leave me alone. I made him think I had a mental issue so he would see me as weak and then all of a sudden it’s his idea to leave me! It’s the best thing ever. As I didn’t have to feel bad for lying as I just played him at his own game. Not sure if it’d work on all but I was so at stage 3 for so long but had to quit him as became like a drug so had to get clever. Yeah I wonder if he’ll ever change but I just think of the anger, resentment and anxiety he caused me and I don’t want to ever go back now to those feelings now I’ve done so well to get away. It is VERY hard but if you can do it you can get on with your life and find someone normal and be properly happy.
I ended a relationship with my boyfriend 3 1/2 weeks ago because after being together 2 years, I found out he has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I think he has many , many symptoms of NPD. My question is this though. Can a person have only some of the symptoms and still be diagnosed as NPD? For example, this guy shows tremendous empathy for his dog. He is overly empathetic when it comes to his dog.
I am trying to stop all contact because he just makes me feel bad, but the sap that I am, I keep thinking I can make him see his problems. I have left 4 times in 2 years, due to lack of emotional support from him. Hr of corse just keeps repeating that if I hadn’t “dumped” him so many times and written such negative things in my journal (he read my journal) about my unhappiness, that we would still be together. I think I am being manipulated, but in such a confused mental state right now, I don’t know. Any advice would be helpful!
I am DONE I thank God that Im in my right mind.I feel ive been to hell and back. What a dysfunction! Im putting the pieces back together through God. How a person can detach. Roll out one bed into another in a 24 hour period and claim to love me. I dont mean any more to him than she does. This saga has gone on for several years Where are your feelings? Do you have feelings? Where the hell has my head been?
I feel sorry for people like that,but its my turn Im done.
This is an interesting and informative site, but as with some other sites on Narcissism the focus is predominantly on men as being NPD (Narcissist personality disorder). Although stats say more men than women are like this, in my life more women than men have been like it and unfortunately I am related to many and even a long standing friend has turned out to be this way as she was very clever in disguising the traits and her true feelings (although she has mental health issues). I have been damaged by abusive parents and have only recently realised that my Mother fits the classic NPD traits yet , because my father was a violent drunk (and now realise also NPD!) the focus was off her. Her sister is the same and have both manipulated me all my life, also my brothers are damaged and very much NPD or BPD (Borderline personality disorder).None look inward, dismiss any psychology and self help as weak (but for some reason I never have. I always recognised myself as different from rest of family from early age too) I displayed BPD traits myself but have worked on these as believe that they were learnt (from parents/family- didn’t know what ‘normal’ was until I left home). It is possible to unlearn traits if they are a mimicking of family behaviour and if lower on BPD spectrum, however, many are so damaged and un self aware that they will never change but they are not happy people (although many do a good display of it- often Queen bees who socialise and even raise monies for charities are NPD because it’s part of their facade- the key is they HAVE to let you know they are charitable, popular etc.). They can fool you for years but when you look back the signs are always there. If you challenge them you will get lies and then full force of their rage. They are always revengeful.They can also drive you crazy by their lies, manipulations and ‘gaslighting’ (making you believe that your version of reality was actually wrong, often using some truths alongside manipulative lies and making you feel guilty). I think this is a condition that is more common than people realise. NPD is not only a spoilt rich child but often from a damaged, abusive, neglectful childhood where to survive they created their own ideal sense of self- the real them has no self worth and feeds off others emotions. They can do no wrong , rules and social morals do not apply to them. They can expect others to do one thing whilst they do the opposite. Everyone has some narcissistic traits but we are talking of extremes and of ruining others lives. The Narcissistic mother will compete with her daughter, put her teenage daughter down and not support her emergence into womanhood, will give her misleading and inappropriate advice, will pretend to be your sister etc- my Mother did this to me and more yet I clung to idea that she cared for me because of my Fathers abuse- if she was bad too then I had no-one. Sad truth is neither were capable of loving me.I have learnt to not blame myself and can finally see (at 50!) that they are damaged sad people and that I was lucky to survive and be self aware seeking help and finding out what ‘normal’ means and thankful that I do have a moral compass and can love others. A;so, those related to NPD tend to have a higher tolerance level to damaged people which leaves them open to abuse. BPD/NPD need rules and boundaries imposed on them otherwise they see you as fair game.
I am now learning to identify, handle/repel narcissists- as they seem attracted to me. Watch out for people who are all over you and want favours but are suddenly unavailable when you want a favour, who dominate any excursions and conversations- everything always comes back to them. Watch out for putdowns- often back handed compliments that make you feel doubtful later on, feeling emotionally drained after being with them, realising everything happened around them- all other people in the circle were but supporting roles to this person.
Get aware, protect yourself , learn what real love is and cling on to your right to happiness and love. If you see a fully developed NPD- run the other way!
what an amazing site this is I have read a lot about narsists as I am married to one and have found myself wondering why no intimacy no affection after only being married for 4 years. I feel for all the people on this page and hope that they have been able to do something to get out of the situation – it is not something to come to terms with only – something to run from FAST……………
Thank you for this. Thanks for all the comments above. You are my fellow travelers.
I never expected to be in a relationship like this. I’m kind and caring: surely it was reasonable to expect the same from my partner?
I’ve made the decision to leave (for the second time), now I need to decide how.
How do I prevent myself from feeling sorry for him? How do I squelch those tiny little doubts (and forget the statements he made, telling me that I am the “one”), that make me experience a tiny scintilla of hope for us?
I remember our last argument, where I became the bad one, the wrong one, the mixed-up one, the one with mental issues… I recall the tantalizing but unkept promises, the essential stinginess with his time and his ample wealth, the unnecessary aloneness, the unending mind-numbing work performed without a “please” or a “thank you.” If it was done, it wasn’t noticed, If I missed one thing, it was a flaw of mine. Where is “us”? I’ve looked and can’t find it.
Really, all I ever received was tiny morsels and crusts, thrown at me sporadically and unpredictably. I would be so grateful for them, though they did nothing for my hunger. My soul yearns for connection! Here comes another morsel: he calls me from his business trip, and tells me he misses me. I am present, i hear him and I think “What does he want? Maybe he can tell he is losing me?” I am pleasantly professional, and honest with myself. I don’t tell him I miss him, because I don’t A day when he is away is like a vacation: I can spend the whole day being myself and feel free. No gas lighting, and no undercurrent of dysfunctionality.
I’ve been humiliated, emotionally and physically, and known it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I forgave and stayed, and hoped and hoped. What the heck is wrong with me?
My security and stability were gradually eroded, I am sleep deprived now, and when my friends see me every few months, they tell me that I am not looking so good. I lost my best friend: when she heard I was returning after leaving him the first time, she sent me such contemptuous notes that I felt like the lowest of addicts. She cut all ties with me, as she had threatened to do. Last night, he told me that he understood why she did what she did, and that it was, indeed, all my fault. There is no way to win: I will always be wrong.
And still I returned, yearning for the love of my beloved, thinking that finally he understood and was willing to meet me halfway.
We had a delicious but brief honeymoon, surrounded by his wonderful friends and family. It is hard to believe today that this really happened.
I am in a deep, dark pit: it seems impossible that I will ever get out, and be released from this slavery, because that is what it is. Everything is done on his terms and on his schedule.
I am strong, I am courage, I CAN, I WILL, I DO.
I see the tiniest of lights in the distance, warm and so bright, beckoning me to join the others, normal, warm people….how I long to be there NOW.
I call on my guardian angels: please help. I am strong, I am courage. I CAN, I WILL. We can do this together.
I AM STRONG
I just read your post and it stopped me from contacting my ex husband my toxic NPD
Every word I read I felt your pain .. I know your humiliation – fear and desire for that soul connection … I understand feeling like a slave and rejoicing when he is away just to feel sane for a few hours ….
It’s been one week for me with no contact and I was this close to sending a text asking how he is …the truth is I miss him – I miss the one I fell in love with – the one who held me all night and played with me like a child making me laugh and giggle …
I haven’t seen or felt him for months – I thought maybe one week without contact he would miss me enough and realize how horribly he treated me and we could just put this behind us and be happy.
It will never happen as I’m sure he already has someone else feeding him and I would lose my children – friends and what little self respect I have gained this week by staying strong …
God help us all – I am praying for you to get away
I am praying for me to stay strong ..; I cannot go backwards to that hell …..
I deserve more – I gave so much –
I am grateful for this insight. I am in stage three of this process. I am relieved to find someone that understands and is so skilled in the tangled relationship with a Narcissist. I have been married to one for almost 30 years. Since my recent labeling of his behavior I have been gradually assessing our situation and realize he is text book. I have been seeing a psychologist for a couple of years now. I told her I came to her to help me identify why I did not leave my husband. I am planning my move physically and emotionally. I believe God sent me to your blog in response to my prayers for guidance and support . Dealing with my long term dance with my husband has been very consuming, I believe that “God works all things together for good for those that love the Lord and are called for his purpose.
i thank God for your work and sharing of this issue. I so appreciate you outlining the stages and providing practical strategies to break the ties and recover wholeness. Sincerely.
We live together and have since day one. I’m the woman he’s been looking for all his life! Haha he wanted marriage from the start an thankfully I didn’t do it! I’ve left 4 times with one of those I was Black n blue! Of course I felt bad for him and went back! I am a co dependent and I always thought I could save him! I know now I can’t! I’ve seen crazy rage and a lot of scary times within 3 years! If I’m speaking to someone he interrupts me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I say something about it and get another empty promise! My family dislikes him but tolerates him bc of me! He isn’t the man I thought he was and I am more mad at myself than him bc I let it happen! I will seek help and heal from that! As soon as I get out and until then I’m doing it within myself. He’s started with holding sex I guess as punishment bc I’m a bad girl and crazy! Hear that a lot! He’s the best con I’ve ever seen and manipulator too! He’s so jealous an insecure it’s pathetic! I’ve never lied or cheated on him yet I get tons of lies! Each breakup was like u said hard so I went back thinking I was leavin my soul mate! Boy was I wrong! This time I will go out of the us to keep from returning if need be! Fake my death or something! He’s now started deleting things off his phone an then accuses me of cheating when confronted! He promises the moon an stars yet gives dirt and rocks!!! I’ve left and went back so many times that no one believes me when I say I’ll never return! However my eyes are wide open and my heart shut! I’m changing my identity if need be and never falling for his con artist ass again! I’ve heard all lies and believed in him way too long! Now to make the final step out the door an ill be home free bc I refuse to live this way I’m 34 now and I deserve to be loved and happy! Not unloved by a pretender that only loves when he knows he’s loosing me and honestly I refuse to die at the hands of a mastermind that may or may not have killed his dead wife in 2008 overdose of her mess in a bath! He was a suspect but a mastermind with believing friends will cover for him! All but one and she told me but I didn’t believe her and ran my dumb ass back to him! Never again and that’s a fact jack! Thank you for the info it helped open my eyes alot
The above person exactly describes how I feel! It’s amazing! I’ve been working on detachment for about a year now and 99.9% there. He keeps contacting me which is hard but I keep going back to my reasons for why I’m leaving and what he could do to change it but he can’t. It’s hard to accept that there are people out there who are so emotionally devoid. I would hate to feel like them. Stuck in an immature child like mind with their life like a broken record stuck on repeat repeat repeat.
Oh my!!! I knew something was wrong but never imagined he is an N!!! 3 yrs together and this is him (us) to a t!!! All the lies of success an empty promises and I’ve always told him I’d never be his ego boost! But he’ll I am! Hell he even brags about how he’s done women in the past after his wife died unexpectedly! Several people thought he was involved and I blew it off until I listened to him talk and the words out his mouth to me were one day your gonna end up dead and I said excuse me come on buddy (I have a rifle not scared to defense myself) so he changed it to by somebody! Always blames me for his shortcomings and attitude! He even told my son that I need help! He’ll yeah I say to deal with all of your shit! So far I haven’t caught him cheating but I suspect he’s talking to others waiting for me to walk out! I’m fine with that just as long as I’m free and my teen son don’t end up with his attitude! I’m so pissed and hurt and just the simple thought of the man I used to love dearly touching me makes me wanna puke! He is a maniac and covers all bullshit lies with another yet says I’m no liar! Of course not bc you believe them too! I don’t know how any woman can want a man like this back but they do! He brags to me about how much better at things than I am or how he loves me more than any man has! How the hell does he know how I’ve been loved before him! Dumb if u ask me! I left a wonderful man of 2 years with no problems no arguments that respected me and motivated me and saw my potential yet I was blinded by the N!!! And there’s not a day that don’t go by that that man isn’t on my mind! I used to think it was bc I hurt him so but now I believe it’s God showing me where I belong! I’m still with this crazy fool and I want out! I have not many places to go but with the power of God we will be fine! If I take the devil out and listen to God things will work out without the N!!! I have a car but need tires and he always insures I don’t get them so I can’t leave! Manipulating me into staying as usual! What do I do? I want out for good this time????!!!!!!
Thank you. This blog has helped me so much.
It’s been about a month since my last contact with the N I was dating. At first I was bewildered at the way he treated me. But upon reading more about NPD, everything fell into place. From the stories he told me about abusive neglect by his mother, to the way he idealized me when we first met, to the arrogant attitude and cold, distant behavior that began when he reached the “devaluation” stage of the cycle. It is crystal clear now that he has a major personality disorder and that actually makes me feel a bit sad for him. He’s a messed up individual and that’s a tragedy, but it won’t bring me down too.
23 years, 36 days, and 14 hours now….STILL, with this CRUEL N. I’m so mad @ him, & even MORE mad at myself. HE IS TEXT-BOOK.
Thank you so much for this page. It has been the only page I have found that has helped at all. My N was the one that cut me off after I finally stood up for myself and refused to apologize for something that I did not do. I’m to the place where I understand that he didn’t love me as he was not capable but missing so much the feeling of the love I thought I had that I can barely breathe. What is wrong with me??? Why am I having such a hard time getting past this?
I am moving out today with my 2 teenage kids from our N. This article exactly describes what I have been going through and I am going to show it to my daughter so that she can fully understand what is going on and how to act towards her dad. Thank you for writing about this disorder, your work and others like it have made me aware and given me the tools to be able to go on with my life and be happy.
I’ve gone to treatment and Begged that he do the same he has bought me me expensive things to make up for the bullshit and i have been waiting for him to change for almost four years and he just keeps promising to be different…a few times I have left him fora few months to let him think and it always picks right back up where we ended miserable and unappreciated..this is my fifth day without any contact and i miss him and guaranteed he don’t care
I’m in the healing stage of my second narc/socio/physho & can relate to all of these feelings.Wish I’d had all this knowledge years ago with my first then i might not have made the same mistake twice. Brilliant advice on dealing with your pain too. Thank you!