A lot of people drift in and out of relationships without any preexisting expectations. Our expectations are our standards and when our standards are low, or we set the bar knee high, then any Tom, Dick or Narcissist can waltz on over and create all kinds of emotional havoc in our lives.

In the biographies of many of the most successful people in the world, most of them talk about their humble beginnings. Some were homeless, or living in their cars and were living way below what they were capable of. It wasn’t until they flipped a switch, or they just said enough, that their lives began to change. What they say that changed for them, was that they began to expect more from themselves and more from others.

A few days ago I had one of those eerie ‘synchronicity’ experiences.  I was contacted by a clinically diagnosed Psychopath and later that same day I turned on my TV and the movie American Psychopath was on. The next day, I went to the book store, to buy a book on recovery from emotional trauma, for research on an upcoming blog.

I found the book I was looking for, stepped over a few feet and propped my elbow up on a shelf, to leaf through it.  As I did, I knocked a book onto the floor. I picked it up and looked at the title – The Wisdom of Psychopaths, by Kevin Dutton. I scoffed at the word wisdom and put it back on the shelf. I walked to another part of the bookstore, with my recovery book in hand and everywhere I seemed to look, I saw the word Psychopath. I looked at a few other books, but I couldn’t ignore this voice in my head that was now screaming – you need to read this book – what else do I have to do, hit you with it? So I bought it.

This past weekend I was driving home late at night. The moon was huge and bright. The streets were quiet and there was barely a car on the road. As I continued on my journey, I felt really good. Really, really good. In fact, I was beaming happiness. I felt like everything in my life was unfolding exactly as it should. I felt entirely stable, at peace, empowered and fully in control of my life.

I reminisced about my past relationships. I’ve been involved with a long term cerebral Narcissist, I’ve had a slew of boomerang somatic Narcissists and even a Psychopath. Never in any of my relationships did I ever feel as good as I feel now.

Around this time two years ago, was my very last Narcissist encounter.  I was struggling to hang on to a boomerang Narcissist. I remember feeling so much heartache. I would wake up hurting. I would hurt throughout the day and I would go to sleep hurting and missing him.  I was desperately hoping for a nugget of his attention, just something that showed me he cared. But as always I’d get a ton of mixed signals, into me one minute and gone the next.

We all have that little voice inside of us that feeds us thoughts about how we are lacking and not good enough.  This voice has become an expertly skilled detective, that is always looking for clues to prove its case.

I get a lot of emails from readers describing how horrible their relationships were, but they are devastated now that their former partner is with someone else.

We always want to know – is he different with her? Does he treat her better than me? Is he happier with her?

We want to know the answers to these questions, because if the answer is yes, then our little detective can put that information in the evidence pile, that it was our fault thus proving that we aren’t good enough.

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I have received a few variations of the same question from readers, “Are Narcissists really aware of their behavior considering they have a personality disorder? Do they know what they are doing is wrong?”

Most people don’t put too much thought into their everyday behaviors. Think about how you behave on a regular basis. You usually don’t stop and think about what you’re doing, or why you’re doing it. You just act or react. Our behavior is generally driven by an accumulation of our emotional state at the time, our self-esteem and our past experiences.

As I illustrated in my blog Seeking Revenge Against a Narcissist, their general default setting consists of emotions such as, anger, smugness, frustration, boredom, obsession and contempt. When these feelings are part of your everyday experience, your brain creates neural pathways, so that when new stimuli comes in through your senses, your brain filters it through these pathways.  The more we think a certain way, the stronger the neural pathway becomes.

There is so much attention given to spotting a Narcissist and whether, or not, you might be involved with one. But there is a much more accurate barometer, and that is – our own behavior.

When you’re involved with a compulsively dishonest, egomaniac, their behavior sets off a chain reaction, which causes us to behave in equally unhealthy and neurotic ways.

Trying to maneuver through all the curves and road blocks of a Narcissistic relationship, puts us constantly on edge and in a perpetually confused and anxious mental state. This negative state clouds our judgment and hinders our ability to analyze situations properly and make logical decisions.

When we start behaving in a manner that is out of character for us, that is a huge glowing, flashing red flag that something is seriously wrong.  The behavior we exhibit at any given time, is generally based on whatever emotional state we are in. When we are constantly off balance, how we react, our choices and decision making skills, will reflect that negative emotional state.

“Step into my parlor,” said the spider to the fly – is the opening line of a well-known poem by Mary Howett. The poem is a cautionary tale against those who use flattery and charm to disguise their true evil intentions.

This week I have received an all-time high amount of emails from people, who have expressed all of the horrendous experiences they’ve had with their Narcissist,  but  they all end it with either, “but he said he loves me,” or “but I still love him.”

But He Says He Loves Me

If I wanted to catch a mouse I wouldn’t use vinegar, I would probably use something that would attract the mouse, something it likes to consume. That’s a no-brainer right?  So if I was a pathological, manipulating, egomaniac and I wanted to draw you in and keep you in, am I not going to say whatever I have to say, to get what I want?