Seeking Revenge Against a Narcissist: Know Thine Enemy
I’ve received a lot of queries lately from people asking how they can get revenge against their Narcissist that left them. When people are angry and hurting and they realize that they’ve been duped, lied to and manipulated, it’s normal to want the person responsible to feel what you’re feeling.
One of the most difficult things to cope with is watching the one that hurt you, trot off unscathed, while you are left writhing in agony. While it may look rosy from where he’s standing, keep in mind that while you have the ability to grow and become a better person, your Narcissist does not. So before you start plotting out a method of revenge there are a few things you should consider.
“Know thine enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated. When you are ignorant of the enemy but know yourself, your chances of winning or losing are equal. If ignorant both of your enemy and of yourself, you are sure to be defeated in every battle.” Chinese General Sun Tzu.
Your enemy is a predator, he feeds off of the emotions and kindness of those closest to him. He lies, manipulates and cons to get his way. He is disconnected from his emotions, feels a sense of entitlement and has an impaired ability to feel remorse or guilt.
You will not find emotional depth in your enemy. It’s just not there. What a Narcissist possesses are pseudo emotions, lacking in depth and substance. Every demonstration is superficial and short lived. He has learned to adapt by mimicking the emotions of others whenever necessary.
The dominant feelings found in a Narcissist are as follows:
Anger: This is generally the default setting on the Narcissists emotional scale. Any little thing can trigger an outburst. The ifs and whens are not consistent, so you never know when it’s coming, or the level he will take it to. He is a projector and likes to pass off his feelings onto others. Anger is commonly used as a manipulation tactic, or as a control mechanism to keep his minions in line and on their toes.
Smugness: When a Narcissists pulls one over on you he’s feeling pretty good about himself. If you’re hurting and pining for his return – that is shear bliss for him. Any time he can confirm to you and himself that he’s smarter and more superior, he will feel a sense of delight that looks and feels a lot like gloating. Do not expect concern or compassion when a Narcissist is inflicting his brand of torture, expect him to feel pleasure while he twists the knife.
Frustration: A Narcissist has poor impulse control. When he sees something, he wants it and he goes after it, but if there are obstacles in the way they can be a source of great irritation. When people don’t dance to his tune and acknowledge his superiority he will become exceedingly annoyed.
Boredom: Narcissists have a very low tolerance for routine. He quickly develops a tolerance to people and objects and his head is on a constant swivel looking for anything, or anyone shiny and new, that will generate a new thrill.
Obsession: When a Narcissist has found a new target he is a man obsessed. He can’t get enough of it. He wants to know everything about it. He becomes consumed, thinking about it night and day, working himself into a fevered pitch, until of course he grows a tolerance to it and boredom sets in.
Contempt: Narcissists hate people and all of humanity for that matter. They hate the objects of their obsession and they hate themselves for being dependent on the supply they provide. They would rather be alone and avoid humanity all together, but their incessant need for attention and admiration makes that impossible. To the Narcissists sense of grandiosity we are all objects, whose sole purpose is to provide him with amusement and adulation.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Confucius
Why Any Revenge Strategy Against a Narcissist Will Ultimately Fail
Understanding how the enemy thinks and feels is one thing, but when you apply that to various approaches, you will see why any action you take is futile:
Reason: How do you reason with someone that twists the facts and has an aversion to the truth? They are the kings of justification. They minimize, rationalize and distort their involvement. When they have behaved badly, you can bet they’ve found a reason or a hundred that it’s entirely your fault.
Guilt: He may very well owe you something, but how do you make someone feel something they are incapable of feeling? They lack empathy and you can’t make someone accountable when they just don’t care. Because their thoughts are completely self-centered, It doesn’t compute with them that you have feelings. How they’ve made you feel is completely irrelevant to them.
Tears: Narcissists are uncomfortable around heady displays of emotion. They won’t listen and they will just extricate themselves from the situation. Tears actually work to their advantage. A Narcissist likes to know he can still affect you – positively or negatively, this is a source of Narcissistic Supply, so showing how much he has hurt you is a win, win situation for him.
Jealousy: Trying to make them feel jealous while they are in a cold phase won’t work either. If he has a new target in sight and your relationship is over or hanging by a thread, he’ll have no interest. He’ll view your attempt to make him jealous as nothing more than an ego stroke.
Character Assassination, Assault, or Property Damage: You can cause Narcissistic Injury, which is any slight real or imagined that threatens their ego and sense of grandiosity. Pointing out to them and others their flaws and what they’ve done, may cause them to fly into a rage. Their need to protect their ego at all costs is what drives them. Causing them physical harm, or damage to their property may also insight rage. But remember, if you persist you will not get out unscathed. They may cause you physical harm, lay criminal charges, or they may cut you out of their lives rapidly, so that you can’t do any more damage.
Any hostile act you visit upon them may be visited back upon you tenfold. If you do act out, all anyone will see or remember are your seemingly irrational actions. You end up looking like the one with the problem and all this does is give him more reasons to justify what he’s done, in his eyes and everyone else’s
“The best revenge is living well.” George Herbert
When you are involved with an abusive, malicious ego maniac the best course of action is to take the high road and do nothing. Just get the hell out of Dodge and don’t look back and deal with your pain on your own.
When you are stuck on anger and resentment and all you’re thinking is revenge those negative emotions will take a toll on you. For one, they will slow down your healing process and keep you fixated on the situation and stuck on pain. When you are so wrapped up in anger, it makes you paranoid and jaded. Don’t let him change who you are and turn you into an angry bitter person.
Also think about what you’re putting out there to the universe. When you’re obsessed about sticking it to him and all you feel is rage and hurt, the universe will reflect back to you what you’re thinking and feeling. The more intensely you focus on anger and hurt the faster the universe will deliver more people and circumstances that will evoke those feelings in you.
Understand that when someone has walked away from you – they have told you all you need to know about their feelings and what their intentions are. You can’t control them, but you can control yourself. How you deal with this defines your character.
And remember, while you may think you got the short end of the stick, you can heal yourself and go on and have a healthy happy relationship with someone else– he cannot. All of his relationships are bound to suffer the same fate. So be grateful that he’s someone else’s problem now.
So after all this, if you’re still bent on payback, recognize that what a Narcissist fears most, is being ordinary, unimportant and forgotten.
So forget him, find your bliss and fill the rest of your life with happiness and love. Let him have this battle, just make sure in the long run – that you win the war. That’s your best revenge.
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