Narcissists and the User Mentality: Investing in a Manipulator
It is the nature of the Narcissistic beast to gain at the expense of others. They are generally attracted to partners that have resources or something they admire, be it beauty, wealth, their career, connections, or intelligence. If a Narcissist can’t benefit from you in some way they will not invest any of their time or energy into knowing you and will likely dismiss you and hold you in contempt.
But if you have that special something that makes you stand out, that something that they can also gain attention or admiration from, like fame, social standing or a degree –you will be a heavily sought after target.
Anything that makes their partner special or draws attention to them is like ambrosia to the narcissist. This is the epitome of supply through proxy. And even though a narcissist has contributed nothing to their partner’s success, they will be the first in line to collect any benefits that come with the achievement.
This topic has been bouncing around my inbox and also in my Skype sessions with clients of late. Not surprisingly a lot of my clients have PhD’s, they’re lawyers and doctors, accountants, some own their own business, and some are very wealthy. If you have success and are also a codependent then you’ve got a really big problem.
The more prestigious their target’s achievement, the more irresistible the challenge for a narcissist. Some readers have asked if some supply is more valuable to a narcissist than others. The answer is an emphatic yes. To obtain the affections of someone who is above the echelons of society, the more it elevates the narcissist’s sense of self-worth. There is nothing more desirable than to elevate their social standing by doing absolutely nothing to earn it. They get off on one-upmanship so knowing they are pulling a con on someone will have them in absolute merriment.
Deep down, the more insecure of narcissists, believe that they could never accomplish such a feat. Though this is something they will never admit and they believe, whole heartedly, that they deserve it. This won’t stop them from criticizing or taking credit when they can.
When you have success and you add a codependent and then you add a narcissist – you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
A codependent generally loves to fix, help, control and over-give. They love to be in control and in their dysfunctional thinking they believe that if they could mold their narcissist into the person that they want then all would be perfect in their world.
One of my clients that has a PhD is held in high regard in their facility and have pulled strings to get their undeserving partner into a graduate program. They’ve helped them with papers, research and their dissertation and suddenly you have an individual with a PhD they haven’t earned. Now that they are on equal footing, their partner’s PhD is no longer quite so special. They got what they wanted and off they went. The codependent is left heartbroken and feeling more used than a 1999 Dodge Caravan.
Some of my wealthy clients have invested in their Narcissists business ideas or have given them a prominent position within their company. One of them gave their Narcissist $50,000 to start up a construction company. Narcissists are generally not reliable or stable enough for this type of responsibility. He ended up spending all of her money and when she asked for it back, he left.
There are tons of stories out there about how older women in America are being targeted on dating sites by unprincipled individuals in countries overseas. These women are so desperate for affection and get so emotionally attached to someone they’ve never even met, that they will willingly part with hundreds of thousands of dollars to help them out. It happens so frequently that they have even created a term for it – it’s called catfishing.
This behavior plays into the belief that you have to be more, do more and have more just to be chosen. Codependents also love to make other people the focus of their lives. Helping someone get to where they want them to be, feels incredibly natural. The problem is that it’s usually at their own detriment. This mentality is something that codependents need to be mindful of. If you meet someone and instantly can identify them as broken, you need to change your mindset from, he’s broken, I’m broken, so together we fit , that’s Hollywood , not reality – to this person is broken and therefore not someone I want to get involved with. If you think that you are broken too, then you shouldn’t be dating – you should be working on yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because you have the money, or the contacts, or the degree, that you will be able to shape and control your narcissist. Sure they will be on their best behavior while they have to get what they need to get, but the moment they’ve achieved what you’ve achieved, or they’ve sucked you dry– your shine will fade faster than a sunset. The moment they don’t need you anymore, they will be gone before you realize it. The moment you try to make them accountable, they will do their best magicians trick and disappear.
The bottom line is that you should be looking for a partner who already has their act together, someone that doesn’t need you or your resources, but instead wants you for you and can also bring an equal amount of assets into the relationship. Understand that Narcissists don’t do integrity. They won’t harbor feelings of guilt or remorse if they stiff you. They don’t walk around thinking, ‘I owe this person and therefore I better walk the line.’ They feel entitled to all that you do for them. If you invest all that you have into someone you already know is broken, you’re always going to be disappointed and broke.
Remember the only thing that disappears quicker than a Narcissist that has shafted you, is the amount of gratitude they feel for what you’ve done for them.
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