I had a reader tell me that a man she had dated had come back into her life. Years ago, this man moved into her home, never paid a dime in rent and never worked a day that they were together. He wasn’t kind to her two children so they left and moved in with her ex-husband. He wanted a new vehicle, but he had bad credit, so he got her to sign a 5 year lease on an SUV for him and within months, he cheated on her and left her for another woman. And now he’s back acting like nothing ever happened and she’s wondering why he’s back and what to do next.
So let’s recap: He brought and contributed nothing to the relationship – except a penis; you put a roof over his head, paid all the bills, got stuck with a 5 year lease on a vehicle that you didn’t want and couldn’t afford and you lost your children in the process.
Almost everyone reading this can see that this guy is bad news, but when we’re in the middle of it and our emotions are involved our judgment gets cloudy and we start rationalizing and making excuses.
The fact that you are even considering letting this guy back into your life again says a great deal about you. Everyone wants their ex to come crawling back and say, “I made a horrible mistake, I love you and I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.” And off you go riding into the sunset. In my blog, Is It Love or are You Seeking Validation, I discuss how people with low self-esteem are constantly trying to get other people to show them their worth. Somewhere in the back of your mind you believe that if this guy changes his mind about you, that that will magically confirm to you that you have value. And then you can say see I told you I was right about me. I am good enough and worthy of your love.
What you should be saying is – you are not worthy of my love. You aren’t focusing on whether or not this relationship is good for you and will add value to your life – you’re just focusing on winning. You have exhibited massive co-dependent-like behaviours. In your past relationship with him, you did all the work, paid all the bills, tried to mend his broken wings and everything was all about him and his problems. You seek relationships with men like this, because it allows you to not focus on what is broken in you. But the bigger question you are asking is why did he come back?
Why do they come back?
The easiest answer is because he can. You have shown him in the past that you are ready and willing to make everything all about him, you have little or no boundaries and you will put up with all sorts of bad behavior. By allowing him to waltz back into your life after the financial and emotional havoc he wrecked, you have shown him that there are no consequences to his behavior.
If I was a gambler I’d put all of my money on –he came back when he did, because the last woman he was with just kicked him to the curb and he was desperately looking for an option. I’d be willing to bet he went through his phone to look up who would be an easy target and you may or may not have been the first person he called.
None of this is about you – his coming back is all about him and what he needs and wants at this moment. Nothing more. This guy doesn’t care about you, if he did he would realize he has nothing to offer you and leave you alone.
Narcissists and Broken Downs lack empathy. They cannot relate to other people’s feelings. So if you’re wondering why someone would deliberately re-enter your life just to mess with you again – that’s how. Narcissists are akin to Psychopaths, they suffer from a personality disorder and personality disorders are not curable, so if you’re holding out hope that this guy will change, you better think again. He came back, because he needed a quick fix and it was your turn in the batting rotation. These guys are users, manipulators and conmen. They know exactly what to say to worm their way back into your affections because they’ve done this dance many times. Don’t fall for it. And believe me he’s probably got another woman or two on stand-by, just in case you come to your senses.
Women often make the mistake of allowing men to pop in and out of their lives. It reminds me of those old Charlie Brown cartoons where Charlie Brown wants to kick the football and Lucy always assures him that it will be different this time – that this time she will hold the football in place for him, but as he runs toward the ball, she pulls it away and he lands flat on his back. How many times will you allow this guy to mistreat you, before you realize that he is just dangling the illusion of the relationship you want in front of you, so that he can get what he wants in the present and every time you run towards it he pulls it away and down you go flat on your back again.
Co-dependents are so concerned with other people’s feelings, that they cannot wrap their head around why, when they give someone so much of themselves – their love, bodies, money and concern, would it not be reciprocal? How can someone take and take and never give and never appreciate all that you’ve done?
These types of men are like leeches, they are just in it for themselves and whatever they can take from you. They behave like this because there is something wrong with them – they lack a moral compass. They are not operating with the same emotional equipment that you are. They are missing a piece or two. It’s not that they haven’t found the right woman. They were broken before they met you and they will continue to be broken long after you’re gone.
Don’t Confuse Sex with Love
Science has proven that when women have an orgasm they produce a powerful hormone called Oxytocin. This has been referred to as the bonding hormone. It’s the same hormone produced when a woman gives birth to a child. Oxytocin is not produced when men orgasm. So while you are lying there glowing in the aftermath, feeling connected, know that with these types of men, the feeling is not mutual. To these guys sex is just another tool in their arsenal of manipulation. Don’t get it confused.
In the last conversation I had with my ex-Narcissist I told him that every time I engage with him I always feel like I’ve been burned. And I made it very clear to him, that the consequences of treating me poorly were that he no longer gets to be a part of my life.
These days I evaluate relationships a lot differently than I have in the past. The first question I consider is – Will you add value to my life? And I am constantly on the lookout for kindness and reciprocity. I don’t put all of my emotional eggs into one basket right out of the hop. Instead, I realize that it takes time to truly get to know someone and I proceed slowly and cautiously. If I see signs of user mentality or disrespect I’m not afraid to walk.
Experience has taught me that you set the tone of your relationship within the first couple of months. All men will test you, to see just how much bull you’ll put up with. But like I’ve said before, men like women, who have boundaries and men respect women that respect themselves. If you show a man that you are a doormat, don’t be surprised if he treats you like a doormat.
The Narcissists and users of the world are especially good at recognizing the types of women that will be susceptible to their forms of abuse. Don’t be one of them.
You asked me what I thought you should do with this guy, that’s easy – if you want this guy’s respect, kick him to the curb with the rest of the garbage – that, he will respect. I guarantee it.
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