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7 Things Codependents Should Never Do In Relationships Your Environment is a Mirror of Your Self-Esteem The Importance of Positivity Stop Making Everything Your Fault: Interrupting Your Tape Cultivating Self-Respect Why You Should Have a Mentor 2017 The Year of You Surviving the Dysfunctional Christmas: Savannah’s Holiday Survival Tips Why Narcissists Ruin the Holidays Boundaries for Codependents Is it Loneliness or Dependence?: Battling Through the Hurt Your Well-Being Is Your Responsibility Beware That Call In The Middle Of The Night Stop Trying So Hard and Learning When to Let Go Stop Trying to Figure Them Out: Narcissists Don’t Think Like You Do Getting Comfortable in Your Own Skin Learning How to Love Only Those That Love You Keeping Your Dignity in the Face of Injustice Stop Being Other Person Focused and Let Go of the Need to Be Chosen The Subconscious Mind and Changing Your Core Beliefs Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness: You’re More Powerful Than You Think Codependency and Dealing with Crazy People Looking for Love Where It Doesn’t Exist: Stop Giving Away Your Power Savannah’s 13 Steps to Change and Leaving Abusive Relationships Finding Your Self-Worth Codependency and Allowing People to Experience Their Own Consequences Starving For Love: How Our Attachment Style Affects Our Relationships The Effects of the Narcissist’s Disappearing Act: Operant Conditioning and Learned Helplessness He Loves Me, She Loves Me Not: Interpreting Dysfunctional Relationship Behavior Identifying and Conquering Codependent Behaviors Lessons Learned From a Tennis Tournament Doubt, Codependency and the Law of Attraction Learning New Ways to Cope: Taming the Wounded Child Beating the Martyr Syndrome: Putting Yourself First The Importance of Strategy: When Codependents Leave Their Reactions To Chance Kicking Codependency To The Curb: Going Against the Grain – To Fix Or Not To Fix Letting Go Of The Need To Be Perfect Narcissists and the User Mentality: Investing in a Manipulator The Missing Pieces of the Narcissist When We Think We’re So Over Them That We Can Have a Relationship On Our Terms The Importance of Keeping Your Word and Communicating Your Needs Self-Sabotage and Codependency What Do Codependents Look Like Really? The Real Self, The Ideal Self and the Codependent Self When You’re More Concerned with How Your Date Feels About You Why It’s Not a Good Idea to Date Immediately After You Break Up With Your Narcissist Ex The Truth About Fixers, Empaths and Over-Givers No, He’s Not Happier with Her: Do You Want Scientific Proof? Narcissists and Betrayal The Truth About Adversity: The Will To Succeed The Year in Review: 9 Lessons We Learned This Year The Great Christmas Justification and Other Holiday Nonsense The Importance of Maintaining High Emotional Energy The Importance of Releasing Your Grief Energy Being Emotionally Honest Can Mean Standing Alone You Don’t Need To Catch Someone in the Act, Permission, Indisputable Proof, or a Private Investigator to Break Up With Someone Spotting Codependency at Work in Our Lives Healing the Inner Child The Many Faces of Denial: It’s Not Just a River In Narcissistville Working With Your Ex-Narcissist Do You Need to Talk? Skype With Savannah How One Woman Broke Her Narcissist Addiction How I Stopped Hating Myself The Power of Indifference The Practice of Self-Care Letting Go When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do: Part 2 Letting Go When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do: Part 1 The Relationship You Have with Yourself: The Most Important Relationship of All Making Molehills Out of Mountains: Minimizing Bad Behavior Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique The 7 Habits of People Who Succeed at Life Why Can’t I Get Over This?: The Never Ending Relationship How The Universe Tells You It’s Time For Change Loyalty, Obligation and Making Your Own Rules The Day I Knew It Was Time To Say Goodbye To My Best Friend We All Want Something Beautiful: Trying to Gain Self-Esteem by Proxy 5 Key Life Lessons I’ve Learned Along the Way But He Has So Many Good Qualities Cultivating the Will to Change: The Key to Motivation Anxiety Kings: A Narcissist’s Inner Battle Are You Afraid of Intimacy? Savannah’s Frequently Asked Questions Letting Go of the Need to Please But We’re Just Friends: A License To Disrespect Inside the Mind of a Narcissist: What’s Really Go On Understanding the Cheating Narcissist: Breakdown, Breakthrough and Breaking Free Are You Overly Critical?: Changing Your Childhood Schemas Healthy is as Healthy Does: The Behaviors of Emotionally Healthy People Your Relationship Behavior: A Barometer of Your Self-Esteem The Most Important Lesson I Ever Forgot Tools of the Trade: A Narcissists Guide to Crazy Making Self-Compassion: A Pillar to Healthy Living The Dance of the Manipulator and Fifty Shades of Savannah Grey Affirmations: The Key to Changing Your Self-Talk Burning Your Bridges: Taking the Ability to Retreat out of Your Hands Ghosts of Valentine’s Day Past When Your Need To Be Loved Supersedes Good Judgment: Becoming a Self-Love Warrior The Obesity/Self-Esteem Dynamic Do You Suffer From The Fixer Mentality? Getting Rid of Unwanted Thoughts and Feelings: The Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping The Importance of Looking Back Before We Look Forward in the New Year Narcissists and the Amazing Holiday Houdini Act Dealing with Your Narcissist and Other Toxic People over the Holidays The Truth About Hypnosis and Savannah’s New Video Do You Engage in Fantasy Relationships? Are You Being Groomed For Abuse? Discipline The Key To No Contact The Objectificaiton of Women: From Exploitation to Oppression When You Keep Taking Them Back and the Narcissist’s Game How To Be Happy When You’re Heartbroken Interview with a Narcissist – Part Deux: The Return of Max So, You’re Codependent-Now What?: A Step by Step Strategy The Effects of Emotional Child Abuse in Adults The Violent Narcissist: The Battle for Control Healthy Love vs Toxic Love: ‘The List’ Understanding the Other Woman The Nine Signs Your Relationship is Over Standing On Your Own Two Feet and The Formula For Change Narcissists, Online Dating and Serendipity Leaving Co-Dependency Understanding the Parasitic Narcissist Narc Busting and the Making of a Co-Dependent Forgiveness: Letting Go of Anger, Resentment and Bitterness Learning to Trust Again Begins By Learning to Trust Yourself Fakebook: The Illusion of Social Media and Keeping Tabs on Your Ex The Making of a Monster: Causes of NPD Becoming Visible, Picking up the Pieces & Finding You Again Dating after Narcissistic Abuse: Red Flags and Sav’s Dating Do’s and Don’ts Confidence: A Pillar of Growth and Healthy Living The Pitfalls of Dating Post Narcissist Are You Addicted to a Narcissist?: Why No Contact is the Only Way Getting Rid of Limiting Beliefs: The Lefkoe Method Giving In the Name of Love Narcissism and Religion: A Perfect Match The Quality of Our Lives is Determined by the Quality of Our Choices: Learning How to Make Healthy Relationship Choices Falling in Love with Life: Being Present and Living in the Now What Your Behavior Post Break-Up Really Means Spotting a Narcissist: How to Get the Best Return on Your Emotional Investment I See Dead People…Uhhh I Mean Narcissists: Creating the Right Neural Pathways Growing Up Narcissist: The Narcissistic Parent and Child Abuse The Different Faces of Narcissism: Types and Sub-Types Finding the Courage to Walk Away Interview with a Narcissist Being Single is Not a Fatal Disease: Knowing Your Relationship Patterns The You Revolution: Slaying the I’m Not Good Enough Monster Being Authentically You: The Truth About Not Being Good Enough Finding Purpose and Meaning in the Pain Are You Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy? Understanding Trauma Bonds: Part 2 Why Do I Still Love Him?: Understanding Truama Bonds Empowerment: Taking Back Your Personal Power Give Yourself a Gift This Holiday Season: A Lesson in No Contact The True Cost of Staying in an Abusive Relationship: When You Believe You Can’t Do Any Better Raising Your Standards in Relationships Do You Control Your Emotions or Do Your Emotions Control You?: Developing Mental Toughness
 

7 Things Codependents Should Never Do In Relationships

2017 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 9


Codependency is a disease of the self. It’s our own misinterpretation of who we really are and of our significance in the world.

It’s a generational disease handed down from one to the next. It’s what happens when caregivers, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, deliver unhealthy messages and beliefs to

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Cultivating Self-Respect

2017 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 15

For a codependent in a relationship, there comes that inevitable moment where you realize that you have done too much, cared too much and sacrificed too much time, energy, money and emotion. All of it, just to be loved and appreciated, but instead what you’re left feeling is disrespected, foolish, taken advantage of and used.

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Why You Should Have a Mentor

2017 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 8

“If I have seen further, it is because I stand on the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton

A mentor is generally someone who gives advice or demonstrates know-how to a younger or less experienced person. They model behaviors that others would like to learn and develop. Our parents are our first mentors. We learn how to do things through their example, be it good or bad.

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2017 The Year of You

2017 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 24

For those of you who follow Numerology, 2016 was the last year on the current cycle. It was a 9 year, a year of endings and letting go, while 2017 is a 1 year, the start of a new cycle. It’s a year of change and new beginnings. Whether or not you care about Numerology or just have a passing interest, one thing is for certain – the start of a new year gives everyone 365 blank pages in which to write their story.

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Surviving the Dysfunctional Christmas: Savannah’s Holiday Survival Tips

2016 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 14

Christmas day, in my family, consists of the three siblings (me and two of my brothers), a few family friends and our various partners and offspring. With our parents both deceased, we take turns hosting the big day and everyone contributes something to the meal.

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Boundaries for Codependents

2016 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 31

Abusers don’t like boundaries. They hinder their progress in getting what they want. Consequently, they choose their targets very carefully. Children make excellent targets because they don’t have many options, they’re eager to please and require the love and attention of their caregivers. Children of abusers grow up not understanding their worth, or the concept of boundaries in relationships.

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Is it Loneliness or Dependence?: Battling Through the Hurt

2016 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 30

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you.” – Carl Jung

As a species we need to know that we matter. That we are seen, heard and understood. We want people around us that get us, that make us feel like there is a place where we are welcome and where we fit. We need connection. When these things are absent from our lives we tend to feel disconnected, hollow, uncomfortable, sad, insecure – lonely.

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Your Well-Being Is Your Responsibility

2016 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 16

Back in the early days of my journey, every day was painful to get through. I was in a constant state of heartache. Depression had become my best friend and I’d never before known fear that could completely cripple you like that which I was experiencing.

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Stop Trying to Figure Them Out: Narcissists Don’t Think Like You Do

2016 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 36

Codependency has been described as a dysfunctional relationship with the self. What that means is that the view that we have of ourselves is skewed, both internally and in our interpersonal relationships, because of our early childhood experiences.

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Getting Comfortable in Your Own Skin

2016 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 10

“The essence of beauty doesn’t stem from the label on your clothes, the shape of your body, or the color of your skin. It comes from the way you carry yourself and the amount of respect with which you treat yourself. “

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Learning How to Love Only Those That Love You

2016 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 24

I had made of list of all the things I wanted in a man. It was great advice given to me by a close friend. “If you know what you’re looking for, you’re more apt to spot it when you see it,” she told me. I was online dating, a place where people were as interchangeable as clothing, when I met him.

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Keeping Your Dignity in the Face of Injustice

2016 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 35

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably heard that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last week. While I am saddened that six children are in the midst of turmoil, I must admit that a small part of me is perversely pleased by this news.

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Stop Being Other Person Focused and Let Go of the Need to Be Chosen

2016 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 27

Losing one’s self in a relationship means willfully shedding your own identity, desires and personal goals and instead becoming consumed with the relationship and the needs and desires of the other person in that relationship. This is a common practice for most Codependents.

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The Subconscious Mind and Changing Your Core Beliefs

2016 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 17

“A belief is just a thought we keep thinking.” – Esther Hicks

Have you ever gotten into your car and started driving and you fall into, what seems to be a type of trance, then suddenly you arrive at your destination, but you have very little memory of how you actually got there?

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Overcoming Feelings of Helplessness: You’re More Powerful Than You Think

2016 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 29

My relationship with my long-term Narcissist was awful. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, while he was allowed to frolic around, without a care in the world. Our friends used to joke about how selfish he was. It was so obvious to everyone that everything was always all about him and when he acted like a selfish bastard they would literally

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Codependency and Dealing with Crazy People

2016 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 17

Wayne Dyer accurately quipped that, “Some people are always looking for a reason to be offended,” and most of us don’t have to look too far to see evidence of that.

We will all find ourselves, at one time or another, interacting with people whose behavior seems to be way over the top.

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Looking for Love Where It Doesn’t Exist: Stop Giving Away Your Power

2016 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 37

Sometimes when I hear someone tell their story I can’t help but cringe and think in my head, “Oh boy, this isn’t going to end well.” It happens a lot when people are looking to get something, from someone who treated them very badly, that something being, an apology, or some acknowledgement of wrong doing.

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Savannah’s 13 Steps to Change and Leaving Abusive Relationships

2016 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 21

Why can’t I get over this?

Why do I get sucked in every time?

Why do I feel so powerless?

These are the million dollar questions when we’re dealing with abusive relationships. When well-meaning friends or loved ones ask us, “Why don’t you just leave?” Or, “Why can’t you just move on?” We’re kind of stumped ourselves, because we don’t really have an answer that would sound even remotely plausible. We might even reply, “Because I’m a glutton for punishment.” And you wouldn’t be that far off.

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Finding Your Self-Worth

2016 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 16

When we’re children our quest begins to look for clues and examples of how we fit into our environment and how we match up against others. Even though our ability to correctly interpret the data coming in is immature, we still make our assessment about ourselves based on what we believe we are perceiving. To very small children their parents can seem infallible and if these higher beings find fault with us – well then there must be something wrong with us.

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Codependency and Allowing People to Experience Their Own Consequences

2016 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 17

“My biggest pet peeve?” She was asked. “It’s people who create their own problems and then complain about the outcome, while expecting everyone else to fix it.” – Unknown

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Starving For Love: How Our Attachment Style Affects Our Relationships

2016 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 26

When we talk about starving we’re usually referring to food. Imagine if you will, that you are stranded on a deserted island and this island is barren of anything edible. You are ravenous and you start to wonder what sand tastes like. Suddenly, you’re rescued and the only thing on your mind is food. A meal is placed in front of you, do you grab a knife and fork and daintily cut your food into tiny bite size pieces, or do you just start shoveling it in? You probably would want more and more until you’re ready to throw up and you’d probably even lick the plate too.

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The Effects of the Narcissist’s Disappearing Act: Operant Conditioning and Learned Helplessness

2016 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 45

What would you do if your 11 year old daughter didn’t come home for a couple of weeks? What if she said nothing to you, you had no idea where she was, or if she was ever coming back?

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Identifying and Conquering Codependent Behaviors

2016 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 12

A big part of how I help others tackle their codependency is by identifying the behaviors that lead to self-sabotage and the fallacies of our early programming. Most of my clients have heard me use the infamous phrase, “That’s your disease talking.” It usually follows a client’s illustration of behaviors where they weren’t loving and respecting themselves, where they were accepting of poor treatment, where they tried to make everything their fault and when they were full of confusion and doubt.

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Doubt, Codependency and the Law of Attraction

2016 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 19

Doubt is like the rude uninvited guest that keeps showing up to your party. It’s the rain on your parade. It has the power to completely overhaul your plans, what actions you take and to keep you stuck replaying the same tapes over and over again.

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Learning New Ways to Cope: Taming the Wounded Child

2016 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 18

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so emotionally vulnerable that anything that triggered one of your tender spots was going to result in some kind of crazy outburst?

It’s a distinctly different reaction than the common every day passive reaction of most codependents.  The inappropriate freak out is a state that I’ve come to think of as somewhere in between a severe codependent reaction

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Beating the Martyr Syndrome: Putting Yourself First

2016 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 9

To put yourself first, to actually consider your needs above all else is inconceivable to a lot of people. Take a look at any mom and you’ll see someone who is a martyr, self-sacrificing and the giver of unconditional love.

Watching my friends, who are now mothers, as well as my sister in law, I see very tired women, whose priorities quickly

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The Importance of Strategy: When Codependents Leave Their Reactions To Chance

2016 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 34

To have a strategy is to have a plan. A map that clearly indicates how one gets from point A to point B. The majority of people don’t have a strategy for their lives. They go about their business and take each day as it comes.

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Kicking Codependency To The Curb: Going Against the Grain – To Fix Or Not To Fix

2016 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 27

We know that codependents develop the tendency to put others ahead of themselves. When they are faced with the prospect of having to focus on themselves it becomes a very daunting task, first and foremost because they have little practice doing it. It’s something they avoid and it’s a big part of why they stay in abusive relationships.

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Letting Go Of The Need To Be Perfect

2016 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 7

For a big part of my life, I hung out on the sidelines, waiting and hoping for that one moment where I would be good enough to actually participate in my own life. I was so full of shame that I couldn’t bear the thought of people looking at me and judging me, even when it came to the most mundane of tasks. It was drummed into me from the moment I could speak that I was imperfect – that there was something wrong with me – that I wasn’t good enough. Other people

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When We Think We’re So Over Them That We Can Have a Relationship On Our Terms

2016 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 34

I got home really late on Friday. When I pulled into my driveway, at about 1:00am, I noticed a familiar vehicle in front of my neighbor’s house. It belonged to her ex-Narcissist. The same ex-Narcissist that lied, cheated and used her, the same

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The Importance of Keeping Your Word and Communicating Your Needs

2016 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 8

“Be impeccable with your word,” it’s one of Miguel Ruiz’s principles to creating a happy and balanced life, which he illustrates in his best-selling book, the Four Agreements. I had a number of incidents happen over the last little while that really got me thinking about the importance of keeping your word and why some people don’t.

We’re all guilty of it, we make plans and bow out last minute, giving the lamest of excuses. We’ve said yes when we really wanted to say no. My worst offence, I remember vividly,

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Self-Sabotage and Codependency

2016 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 33

A lot of people want to change. They want their lives to get better. They want to leave their bad situation, but they can’t. They come up with myriad of reasons why and what it is that’s stopping them. These reasons seem inconsequential to others, but for the individual they are there, they are real and they can be debilitating.

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What Do Codependents Look Like Really?

2016 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 23

I went out to dinner with my neighbor recently and the topic of conversation always seems to gravitate to Narcissism and Codependency. I’ve known her for quite some time, she is a lovely person – thoughtful, cheery, considerate and we have great conversations, which to me, is pure gold. A few months back she asked me my opinion of her relationship. It was a typical Narcissistic/Codependent relationship. This was their 4th trip on the merry-go-round.  Each time he would end up leaving her for

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The Real Self, The Ideal Self and the Codependent Self

2016 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 20

I used to hold an image of a woman in my mind. She was me, but not me. She was actually, everything that I was not. She was tall and I am not, she was model thin and I was not, stunningly beautiful and I was not, she was talented and everybody loved her and I was unlovable. She was rich and famous and on top of the world

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When You’re More Concerned with How Your Date Feels About You

2016 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 21

So there I was sitting in my therapist’s office. It was more than a handful of years ago, therapy was something that I would never have considered on my own, but it was a benefit of my post-accident, car insurance plan.

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Why It’s Not a Good Idea to Date Immediately After You Break Up With Your Narcissist Ex

2016 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 34

It seemed like a good idea. You’ve been pining over someone who has, in the blink of an eye, replaced you with someone else. You are heartbroken and you can’t believe that they are so over you, that you could drop dead and they wouldn’t even notice. So you decide, two can play at this game. I’m not going to sit around here mooning anymore. I’m going to go out with someone else too. You pull up your old profile from that dating

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The Truth About Fixers, Empaths and Over-Givers

2016 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 38

When people talk about those that help, or put others needs ahead of their own, they use words like nurturer, kind hearted, altruistic, selfless, or giver. They might say that he or she has the ‘caring gene’ and that giving just comes naturally to some people. While there might be some truth to this, I would argue that the real reason behind why some people over-give isn’t so divine and is in fact, quite disturbing.

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The Year in Review: 9 Lessons We Learned This Year

2015 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 25

It’s that time of year when I like to look back, on the year that was, and reflect on some of the major lessons we’ve discussed here on this site. So without further ado here are nine major statements we made this year:

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The Great Christmas Justification and Other Holiday Nonsense

2015 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 46

So there I was many, many moons ago, out Christmas shopping, for the love in my life. I was in a long distance relationship at the time and I use the term relationship very loosely. It had moments of bliss, followed by moments of absolute agony. He kept coming and going from my life and I kept taking him back.

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The Importance of Releasing Your Grief Energy

2015 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 14

In the initial stages of a break up, it’s incredibly difficult to focus on anything but the pain.  So early on, our defense mechanisms will likely be, finding a way to distract, or numb ourselves, from such intense feelings.  But once the shock has subsided somewhat, and we’re seeing things a little more clearly, it’s important to heal ourselves from the grief energy that we’ve been holding onto.

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Being Emotionally Honest Can Mean Standing Alone

2015 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 15

A couple weeks back I had dinner with one of my cousins. She recently became aware of my blog and really wanted to talk about it. She and I have a lot in common, the largest being that we both had one emotionally abusive parent. Her father‘s behavior was so outrageous at times, that even as a little girl, I was able to understand that there

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You Don’t Need To Catch Someone in the Act, Permission, Indisputable Proof, or a Private Investigator to Break Up With Someone

2015 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 40

“I never would have left.” That’s what I said to my long-term Narcissist, during one of my futile attempts to get him to stay. “I never would have done this.” The scary part is –  that was the truth. It didn’t matter how much pain he caused me. It didn’t matter that nothing was about me, or that I had no idea who I was anymore. None of that mattered.

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Spotting Codependency at Work in Our Lives

2015 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 16

I went to the grocery store last week and as I was loading my food onto the conveyor belt, at the cashier, I felt a very familiar feeling. I made some pretty good food choices that day. I had lots of fruits and vegetables, some protein and I permitted myself to buy something sweet. Just a small one-time snack that would be done in one sitting.

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Healing the Inner Child

2015 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 23

Inside every codependent is a child, who has been mistreated, ignored, hurt, humiliated, frightened, shamed, or abused by parents, who were themselves mistreated, ignored, shamed and abused by their parents. When we were children we did what we knew how to do, in order to survive and to get our needs met. It is this same child that created how we cope, how we react and how we feel about ourselves. It is this child that has been running our lives as adults.

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How One Woman Broke Her Narcissist Addiction

2015 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 41

Tina was really mad at herself. She let Mark sweet talk his way back into her heart and now he was gone again, two short weeks later. She felt like such a fool. “Never again,” she said to herself. “I am so done.”

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How I Stopped Hating Myself

2015 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 24

I remember thinking that there was a secret that everyone else knew except me. I thought once I figured out this secret, then my life would be okay. I would be okay, but despite my best efforts, the answers I was seeking always seemed to elude me.

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The Power of Indifference

2015 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 36

Earlier this week I received a copy of the magazine that an article of mine appeared in. As I was flipping though it I noticed an article written by Eckhart Tolle, the best-selling author of The Power of Now. One of the main themes of Tolle’s work is that when you are in the present moment, ‘in the now,’ you cannot be harmed by the past and you aren’t anxious about the future. You are fully absorbed with what is happening around you at that very moment.

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The Practice of Self-Care

2015 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 18

For many, practicing self-care is a life style change. It means giving up self-destructive habits. It’s a shift in perspective about how you view yourself and it’s adopting a pattern of positive behavior that reflects those perceptions.

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Letting Go When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do: Part 2

2015 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 43

Sometimes our hearts haven’t quite caught up to our heads and when you throw a little physiology into the mix, getting over a Narcissist can seem like you’re trapped in a maze, unable to find your way out.

As we mentioned last week, the first thing we have to do to extricate ourselves from our dysfunctional relationship, is to become aware that this relationship is toxic and damaging to our sense of self-worth. That’s the easy part, because for the most part, we know when we’re being disrespected and generally treated poorly. The next few steps have to deal with driving an emotional wedge between our addiction to our Narcissist and ourselves, which will allow us to gain distance and some perspective.

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Letting Go When It’s the Last Thing You Want to Do: Part 1

2015 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 34

It defies reason, logic and common sense, to want to hang on to someone, who treated you so appallingly. It’s almost addict-like behavior, complete with withdrawal symptoms, cravings and an inability to focus on anything else.

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The Relationship You Have with Yourself: The Most Important Relationship of All

2015 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 17

Imagine that you were in a relationship with someone you didn’t love. Imagine that you found this person to be flawed, worthless and just not good enough for you. Now imagine that you couldn’t leave the relationship. You were stuck in it. What kind of relationship would that be? How would it affect your thoughts, your behavior and your everyday life?

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Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique

2015 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 118

You’ve done all the right things. You’ve broken up with your Narcissist, you’ve gone no contact and you’ve done your very best to put your focus back on you. But much to your chagrin, your Narcissist is pulling out all the stops, throwing everything at you to try and illicit some type of response.

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The 7 Habits of People Who Succeed at Life

2015 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 10

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”     -Iyanla Vanzant

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Why Can’t I Get Over This?: The Never Ending Relationship

2015 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 27

We’ve all experienced a break up or two at some point in our lives. They’re usually unpleasant, but eventually we move on and begin a new relationship with someone else. Some relationships however, seem to never end and leave us feeling like we’ll never get over them.

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How The Universe Tells You It’s Time For Change

2015 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 32

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.” – Eckhart Tolle

The body is a miraculous thing. When it’s sick it develops symptoms that tell us that something is wrong. When our spirit is sick our bodies also provide us with symptoms, which manifest as feelings of anxiety, deep emotional sorrow, panic attacks, depression, heart ache, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, and despair.

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The Day I Knew It Was Time To Say Goodbye To My Best Friend

2015 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 30

I loved my best friend. I still do. I hope that she is happy and thriving in her life. I’m not just saying that to sound evolved, or advanced in some way. I really mean it. I remember fondly the days where we would have long and deep conversations over dinner. I lived for those days. We would talk about

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5 Key Life Lessons I’ve Learned Along the Way

2015 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 14

I felt stuck and uncomfortable for much of my life and as much as I tried, I couldn’t figure out a way to get unstuck. In many ways the tragic events that happened on the day my mother was killed seem to have been prophetic. It was a culmination of all of my angst that had built up inside of me. The events

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Cultivating the Will to Change: The Key to Motivation

2015 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 22

Motivation, drive, desire, passion, whatever you want to call it, people have been trying to figure out how to get it and how to harness it for centuries.  What makes LeBron so much better than everyone else? What made Payton Manning stay and practice harder and longer to perfect his arm? What made Sidney Crosby shoot pucks into his mother’s clothes dryer all night, while all of his friends were watching TV and playing video games? What makes people work harder to achieve their dreams, while others continue to dwell in mediocrity?

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Are You Afraid of Intimacy?

2015 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 22

“When we protect ourselves so we won’t feel pain, that protection becomes like armor that imprisons the softness of the heart.” – Pema Chodron

For most of my life I’ve kept people at an emotional distance. Not so much friends, but romantic partners. Subconsciously, I believed that if I didn’t let myself get too close to someone then it wouldn’t hurt me when they left. If I didn’t let them get too close to me then they would never really know me, so when they did reject me, it wasn’t really

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Letting Go of the Need to Please

2015 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 16

We all want to be liked, it’s part of the human condition, but that need can become excessive and unhealthy when it becomes our primary focus. Codependents often have a very strong impulse to please others, especially those that reject them. It’s a unique dynamic where the more someone pulls away from them, the stronger the lure is for the codependent.

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Understanding the Cheating Narcissist: Breakdown, Breakthrough and Breaking Free

2015 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 76

If you don’t initially wish your cheating Narcissist ill will after they’ve left you for another, you are probably among the minority. A lot of us struggle with the betrayal and the hurt. Persistent images of the two of them together are normal and so too, is the fear that they will be happy together and that you will be the one, who is left all alone, wallowing in misery and despair.

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Are You Overly Critical?: Changing Your Childhood Schemas

2015 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 19

“When your eye is always searching for the negative you can’t help but miss much of life’s beauty.” – S. Grey

My mother was the daughter of a Narcissistic father, which meant that she was insulted, humiliated, shamed, blamed and belittled on a daily basis. A habitual need to judge and criticize others became her normal, hearing it and seeing it turned into doing it. This is how she was taught to view the world. She believed that

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Healthy is as Healthy Does: The Behaviors of Emotionally Healthy People

2015 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 36

What is normal? What does healthy look like? We talk a lot about being healthy on this site, but If you’ve never seen it, or had anyone demonstrate it to you, how do you know what it looks like?

I’ve spent years trying to figure out what healthy is, because I knew I wasn’t. I always felt that there was some hidden mystery I had to figure out, a secret that other people knew that I didn’t. While I was in the midst of

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Your Relationship Behavior: A Barometer of Your Self-Esteem

2015 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 45

We’ve all had cringe-worthy moments that we can shelve in the ‘not my finest hour’ section of our memory banks.  These are the moments where we acted in a manner that was beneath us, where we didn’t stand up for ourselves, where we let ourselves be used.

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The Most Important Lesson I Ever Forgot

2015 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 26

 “You create your own universe as you go along.” – Winston Churchill

Tanya and her siblings were taken from their home when she was just three. Her mother had tried to kill them by starting a fire in the family home and leaving them alone inside. Tanya was later adopted by kind, but deeply devout Jehovah’s Witness parents. Her adoptive parents moved from the UK to North America and she moved across the pond, leaving her siblings behind. She rebelled against such strict religious doctrines as she got older and was rebuked by the church community and her parents for her teenage angst.

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Self-Compassion: A Pillar to Healthy Living

2015 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 15

“For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves, we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true, not for a moment that shame leads to love. Only love leads to love.” Geneen Roth

Self-destruction seems to be a ubiquitous part of the human experience. It happens at the very core of us, when we don’t love and value ourselves. It’s what happens when we live with unresolved feelings of pain and

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Affirmations: The Key to Changing Your Self-Talk

2015 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 7

“I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and doggone it people like me.” – Stuart Smalley

When someone mentions affirmations, the first thing I think about is Al Franken’s emotionally fragile character Stuart Smalley, on Saturday Night Live. Although Franken’s character is hilarious, the stigma it helped perpetuate towards those who use affirmations, has not been very positive. Not because affirmations don’t work, but because people associate it with being – well….emotionally fragile. These days, with authors

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Burning Your Bridges: Taking the Ability to Retreat out of Your Hands

2015 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 38

“I can’t do it. I just can’t walk away.”

“I’m not strong enough. I’m so weak.”

“As soon as he contacts me I know I’ll cave.”

These are some pretty common statements I hear from people trying to wean themselves off of a Narcissist. I get it. Battling all these volatile emotions is really hard. Been there-done-that, got-a-blog-about-it.

The issue is that your life has become all about someone else and you’re so wrapped up in them that you’ve twisted

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When Your Need To Be Loved Supersedes Good Judgment: Becoming a Self-Love Warrior

2015 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 16

We all have an innate need to love and be loved, to belong to something, a family, a circle of friends, or even admired by colleagues. When we feel connected to others, it brings us a sense of security, joy and belongingness.

Twentieth century psychologist, Abraham Maslow, listed the need for love and belongingness in his famous hierarchy of needs. This theory is a scale of what drives human motivation.  On the bottom of the pyramid, thus being the most important, are physiological needs, such as oxygen, food, water ect.  Following that on the pyramid is the need for

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Do You Suffer From The Fixer Mentality?

2015 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 24

Fixer: Someone who engages in relationships with dysfunctional partners, with an uncontrollable need to help, give, rescue, and recreate that person into the image that they desire.

If you see yourself in the above definition, raise your hand if you have ever tried to fix someone and it actually worked? I’m not talking about two relatively healthy people, who make each other better. I’m talking about two unhealthy, broken people, with one giving and one taking, one responsible for everything and one responsible for nothing, and with one trying to change the other into something they are not.

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Getting Rid of Unwanted Thoughts and Feelings: The Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping

2015 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 7

I get a lot of emails from people that are suffering. They are going through so much emotional anguish and they don’t know what to do. Sometimes they’re fine, but they’ll get a text message from their ex-Narcissist and it will send them into an emotional spiral. They need a healthy solution to alleviate the pain they’re experiencing and they need it now. I came across something a couple of years ago and was reminded of it this week, as I came across some writing by Gabrielle Bernstein. 

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The Importance of Looking Back Before We Look Forward in the New Year

2015 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 16

The new year brings with it new challenges, new chapters and new beginnings. But before we look ahead I think it’s important to look back, to make sure that we’ve taken care of all of our childhood baggage.  This is important, because if you refuse to do this work, these unresolved issues will continue to manifest in your life, and you will have a never ending battle, trying to manage symptoms, rather than eliminating the problem at its source.

Many people eat, drink, or do drugs to counteract the painful feelings from childhood neglect, or abuse, these are clearly inappropriate coping mechanisms – bandages, that only mask the problem. When you’ve been brought up to feel not good enough, you really do feel a void. You feel incomplete and you believe that if you could only figure

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Dealing with Your Narcissist and Other Toxic People over the Holidays

2014 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 20

Most of us want to have the ‘typical’ family holiday. We want the tree, the presents, a delicious Christmas dinner and to be happy and surrounded by loved ones. We want the occasion to look like it does in the commercials and movies on TV, but quite often it doesn’t.

For many of us, the holidays mean being around people that we don’t necessarily like, or those who make us feel uncomfortable. That could include – your overbearing Narcissistic father, your hyper critical mother, your spiteful, passive-aggressive sister, or that Narcissist you thought you had gotten rid of ages ago.

Many of us have been on the road to healing for some time now, healing from childhood traumas and from our adult relationships. Most of us have gone no contact with our last abusive partner and we’ve distanced ourselves from the toxic people in our lives. Everything is going great, but along comes the holidays and this is when we are at our most vulnerable and when our resolve is severely tested.

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The Truth About Hypnosis and Savannah’s New Video

2014 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 4

There are a lot of misconceptions about hypnosis. Many people believe that they are supposed to be completely unconscious and have no memory of what’s going on and if they don’t get there, it’s not working and they come to the conclusion that they can’t be hypnotized. The truth is that hypnosis is really the place between awake and asleep. It’s a trance like state where individuals are highly suggestable and highly relaxed. If you’ve ever been driving your car and you are just hyper focused on the road and nothing else and it seems as though your conscious mind has shut down and your subconscious mind is steering the wheel and you don’t remember just how you got to your destination, then you’ve experienced a trance like state.

Many people fear that a hypnotist will make you do foolish things. I’ve been asked on many occasions, “You aren’t going to make me cluck like a chicken are you?” I always say, ‘You aren’t going to do anything you don’t want to do, or wouldn’t normally do.’ You never hear a legal defense for murder as, not criminally responsible, because the defendant was under hypnosis. If you wouldn’t kill someone when you’re awake, you won’t do it under hypnosis.

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Discipline The Key To No Contact

2014 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 38

Willpower, determination, stick-to-itiveness, resolve, whatever you want to call it – discipline is the difference between success and giving in. For me, discipline is self–accountability. It’s an internal standards meter that propels you forward, when your body, mind, or emotions are all signaling, it’s time to give up.

By far, the question I get asked the most is, ‘How do I let go? How do I walk away? I know this is killing me, but I can’t stop.’ My answer is always the same.

There has to be a breaking point – that point where you say, ‘I deserve more than this.’ It’s a cup of pride and 8 cups of discipline. If you’re not used to delaying immediate gratification then this may be very difficult for you, but it is something you can learn.

We’ve all been in relationships and given in dozens of times – it feels good for a short while, but then it fe

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How To Be Happy When You’re Heartbroken

2014 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 21

When I look back at young me, teenage me, 20 something me, I can’t help thinking, ‘man that little girl didn’t have a clue what she was doing.’ I was a bit of a paradox, because I had an innately, happy disposition, but I was always negative, always critical, never satisfied and always focused on what I didn’t have.

I was lucky enough to have my life completely torn apart by my Narcissist, and yes, I did say lucky. I was lucky, because I had been given a wake-up call. Rather than live out the rest of my days unhappy and slowly dying inside, the universe saw to it, that I take a look at my life and all of the poor choices I was making. I get a lot of emails expressing the deep, emotional pain people

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So, You’re Codependent-Now What?: A Step by Step Strategy

2014 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 28

The best blogs I have written have been ones where I’ve written straight from the heart. What I mean by that, are articles that have been a true reflection of my experiences and lessons that I have learned. To me, the only way that you can really write about something and have it be truly authentic, is to have lived it.

I get a lot of emails from people, who have been reading about codependency, and they are freaking out, because they see themselves and their behavior in the descriptions. They ask me what do I do? How do I fix this? I have, in bits and snippets, written about battling codependency, but I’ve never compiled a comprehensive list all in one place. Due to it’s length, I was going to do it in two separate blogs, but I thought it important to keep it all together.

What I have compiled below are the steps that I have taken to beat codependency. It’s important to understand that this healing is a journey and a process – with many, many twists and turns along the way. Some parts are difficult, some are easy and some flow right into the other. Without further ado, here are the steps of my journey:

Awareness: The first step is recognizing that you have been the victim of emotional abuse in childhood. Last week I wrote about the effects of emotional child abuse in adults. This isn’t about being beaten, or locked in closets. This is about growing up in an unhealthy, shame based environment, with an emotional manipulator, where there was little c

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The Effects of Emotional Child Abuse in Adults

2014 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 18

When I was 14 years old I met my first love. He was 18 and he was big, strong, smart and beautiful. When I turned 15 he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was smitten and for a couple of months it was pure bliss. Within that year, he slept with my best friend, my cousin, and many others. I stuck around for months, hoping he’d come back and he would throw me a few crumbs from time to time and then off he’d go again. I gave him my heart and my innocence and in return he gave me heartache and sorrow. My very first relationship left me feeling broken, unwanted, unlovable, flawed and not good enough. It was a feeling I was very used to, a feeling that I had carried around with me my whole life.

Looking at my life backwards, it makes perfect sense that my first relationship was really a reproduction of the dysfunctional dynamic that had developed between my mother and I. All of the pain and hurt was a manifestation of what I had been taught, as a child, to feel about myself.

When I was studying Psychology we read and watched many experiments with monkeys. In some experiments these poor little monkeys were taken from birth and kept all alone with no contact with other animals or people for 6 months. The experiment placed the isolated monkey

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Healthy Love vs Toxic Love: ‘The List’

2014 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 7

Human beings are a lot less complicated than you might think . The great motivators for most people, are the desire for survival, sex and love, and power and money. There are other motivators too, like revenge, but usually when you find change, it’s being driven by one of these.

Introspection is the ability to look deep inside and examine your own feelings, thoughts and motives. It’s necessary for growth and change. Surprisingly, not everyone can do introspection. Many either lack the ability, or the desire.

When we don’t look inside at what drives us and others, you’ll feel a sense of disconnect and a separateness that makes us feel alone. Not being in touch with ourselves, can keep us stuck and in a state of denial.

For most of my life I didn’t do introspection. I walked around believing that I was a normal girl, from a normal family, doing normal things and I believed that in my relationships, I was the normal one, I just always seemed to pick the wrong men. I even remember throwing around

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Standing On Your Own Two Feet and The Formula For Change

2014 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 16

I went to my brother’s cottage this weekend and I got to spend some quality time with my nephews and niece.  We swam and played volleyball and badminton and ran around like children.  As we played another game of badminton, my five year old nephew Jacob, who isn’t as agile or coordinated as the rest of us, looked at me and shouted, “Let me win one Auntie.”

“What do I always say?” I asked.

“You gotta earn it.” He answered ritualistically, while rolling his eyes.

“And why does Auntie always say that?”

“Cuz nobody gives you anything in life, you have to stand on your own two feet and do it yourself.”

I explained to him that if I let him win, then his victory wouldn’t mean anything. That there would come a day, that he will beat Auntie at everything and when he does earn his victory, it won’t be a hollow one – it will mean something.

I often pull my brother’s little ones aside and give them Auntie’s words of wisdom.  They probably don’t grasp what I’m really trying to tell them, with their young, immature minds, but it’s my hope that they will all grow up feeling valued and loved and that they will grow into good, kind people and live their lives with integrity.

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Leaving Co-Dependency

2014 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 18

Have you ever come across a definition or a list of symptoms, and by the time you got to the end of it, your eyes were completely bugged out and your jaw was resting comfortably on the floor?  And as the shock of recognition sank in, all you kept saying was, “Oh-My-God, Oh-My-God – this is me. I could be the poster child for this.”

That was me many years ago, after reading Melanie Beattie’s book, Co-Dependent No More. Before I understood the term co-dependent I blamed my Narcissist for everything. And why shouldn’t I? He deserved the blame and my animosity for everything that he had done. But as I looked into this co-dependency business, I realized more and more, that I played an equal roll in this sad excuse of a relationship. I was equally responsible, equally at fault, and I was totally and solely to blame, for the sorry state I was in. Sure, he was a Narcissist and sure, his list of issues and relationship crimes could circle the globe, but I had a thing too and it had a name. My label was worse than his, because…well…it was mine. I was co-dependent.  I could relate to every bit of it. It was a pretty tough pill to swallow, because now on top of the hurt and everything else I was dealing with, I had to deal with this too.

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Forgiveness: Letting Go of Anger, Resentment and Bitterness

2014 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 32

The whole concept of forgiveness sounds like a huge cliché doesn’t it? Somehow, by some stroke of magic, forgiving someone, who has done you a terrible wrong, is supposed to make you feel better. That sentiment has always sounded a little ridiculous to me.

We’re probably all familiar with Buddha’s famous quote, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

That sounds logical in principal, but the reality of giving someone a free pass after they hurt you, just doesn’t sit well with a lot of us. It’s like saying, “You know what – it’s all good. Don’t worry about it. It’s just my feelings, my life, my self-esteem and my heart that you crushed – but hey – no biggie.”  I would equate that with the doormat-like behavior I’ve fought so hard to get away from.

Forgiveness just doesn’t seem to give a sense of empowerment. The whole idea of it makes a lot of people mad, because you know what?  Hurting me – is a big deal – it’s not all good – and there should be some sort of universal justice that holds people accountable.

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Learning to Trust Again Begins By Learning to Trust Yourself

2014 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 16

“Are you sitting down?”

“Yes,” I said. “What’s up?”

“I logged into Pete’s Ipad and I found all these email addresses that I didn’t know he had.”

“Ohhhhh. I don’t like where this is going.” I replied.

“The emails are linked to all these dating websites. He was not only talking to other women online, but he was meeting up with them. There are emails making plans to hook up and then emails afterwards, saying how hot it was. And they go back to before we got married. He’s been cheating the whole time.”

This was the phone call I got this week from a dear friend of mine, pretty much verbatim. I felt sick after I hung up. Sick at the feelings that I knew my friend was going through and sick at the fact that her partner Pete, had fooled us all.

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Fakebook: The Illusion of Social Media and Keeping Tabs on Your Ex

2014 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 33

After my break-up many, many years ago, I accidently-on-purpose, came across the Facebook profile of my ex’s new woman. I remember at that moment turning into Joan Rivers, “What a hideous troll beast- oh gag me with a spoon- what is he thinking – how on God’s green earth did he choose her over me? Can we talk?”

Then I saw pictures of them together. They were both smiling and they looked really happy and in love. There were pictures of them hugging,  you know the ones where their foreheads are touching – the ones that look so sweet and deeply intimate. There were even pictures of her hugging his mother – his mother….the same woman, who months earlier, thought of me as her daughter-in-law. I was beyond consolable. All I kept thinking about was how easy it was for him to replace me and ho

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Becoming Visible, Picking up the Pieces & Finding You Again

2014 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 26

I love the metamorphic dance of the butterfly. From slow, awkward, unattractive, caterpillar to elegant, graceful, beautiful, butterfly.  This dance is symbolic, illustrating our deep desire to shed the things that hold us back, spread our wings and take flight. It’s our collective hope, that we can start from where we are, and transform into our true potential. It can also represent a type of awakening, after a long slumber, or even a rebirth.

Many people walk through life asleep, never questioning what is, never aspiring to be more, or to grow. These people go through the motions and just accept what is. They are the walking dead. I know they exist, because I was one of them.

My deep slumber was the time that I had abandoned myself, when my life became all about someone else. I had forgotten about the little joys in life, the things that gave me pleasure and I had completely forgotten about all of the things my soul craved for its own growth and happiness. Those were dark times, when I lived in a fog, almost like something else had taken over my body. It felt foreign and unnatural, but little by little it was who I became.

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Dating after Narcissistic Abuse: Red Flags and Sav’s Dating Do’s and Don’ts

2014 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 27

The post-date analysis was one of my favorite pastimes. It was a special time, when my girlfriends and I would get together, usually over a meal, or coffee and we’d laugh about what colossal dating faux pas Savannah made this time. Throughout my various stages of emotional health, I have blundered my way through oodles of men, chalking up one epic dating failure after another, enough to supply RomCom writers with copious amounts of material for decades.

Through it all I have laughed, I have cried, but most importantly I learned. I’ve learned how to discern what certain behaviors and patterns mean, what to watch out for, when to proceed and when to climb out the bathroom window.  I know many of you are absolutely terrified at the prospect of dating and you’ve asked for a few tips, so I’ve compiled a few of my many hard learned lessons, to hopefully prepare you better and alleviate some of your anxiety. My first suggestion though, is to grab a pen and paper and write down exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. When you’ve got it out there – it means you’ve given it some thought, it’s in your conscious mind and you are more apt to notice it when it comes waltzing past you. So, without further ado:

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Confidence: A Pillar of Growth and Healthy Living

2014 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 5

With it, you can take on the world, without it, you live stuck at the starting block of your potential.”  – Katty Kay & Claire Shipman, authors of The Confidence Code

There are certain traits and behaviors that are essential to living a healthy and fulfilled life. For me, one of those must haves, is confidence.

Confidence is kind of a big deal. It’s like that little black dress that goes with everything. You can be intelligent, hardworking and you can be competent and all of these things are great, but when you lack confidence, all of these wonderful skills don’t amount to much.

Confidence is the meat in your sandwich, the berry in your jam. When you lack confidence, you have less opportunities, life seems scary, watered down, less fulfilling and without substance.

What is Confidence?

Confidence is a silent knowing. It’s a resolute belief in your value and your abilities. According to Katty Kay and Claire Shipman; confidence is about taking risks, taking action, making decisions, leaving your comfort zone, embracing failure, being resilient, mastering skills and hard work.

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The Pitfalls of Dating Post Narcissist

2014 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 16

Dating is tough, even at the best of times, but when you’re trying to get back out there, after an abusive relationship with a Narcissist, it can seem like a daunting task.  Through various emails and comments I’ve received, it seems that many of us are sharing the same, post Narcissist dating experiences and  the process is leaving many, feeling upset, frustrated and fearful.

Many months after my relationship ended with a boomerang Narcissist, I decided that I was ready to date again. I had read a ton of books, was seeing a therapist and I looked and felt great. I met a wonderful guy. He was attractive, had his own house, good job, seemed emotionally healthy and treated me better than anyone had ever treated me. I should have been on cloud nine, but I wasn’t. I remember sitting at home crying, missing my Narcissist and I kept wondering, why he couldn’t treat me that way and why I didn’t have the same feelings for my new Mr Wonderful.

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Are You Addicted to a Narcissist?: Why No Contact is the Only Way

2014 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 59

Addiction:  a persistent, compulsive dependence on, or commitment to, a habit or practice, on a thing or substance, to the extent that its cessation causes trauma.

There are many definitions of addiction, but bottom line, it’s a dependence on something that causes one to have compulsive thoughts and behaviors, which they cannot control or stop.

Individuals can be addicted to many things such as, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, food, gambling, sex, but when we are talking about an addiction to a person, we usually use the word obsession.  When researches study addiction they often refer to certain neurotransmitters being present in the brain, or certain areas of the brain lighting up, or becoming visible on tests. At present there are no known studies to determine if the same brain patterns exist for an addiction to a person.

I was recently doing some research on addiction, for another publication, when I stumbled across something that fascinated me.

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Getting Rid of Limiting Beliefs: The Lefkoe Method

2014 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 5

My cousin is the type of woman that always has a man, or it’s probably better to say, she’s the type of woman that always ‘needs ‘ to have a man and unfortunately for her, each man, seems to be worse, than the man before.

When we were younger, she used to ‘woohoo’ out the car window at men on the street and sometimes she would even yell out where we were going to perfect strangers. I would always duck out of sight, in sheer embarrassment, to me it reeked of desperation and crudeness, but she could pick up a guy on a dime. She was that um…. ‘talented.’ But the problem was that the guys she would hook up with were always a different brand of broken down. They would move way too fast and would even be living together before I saw her next.

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Falling in Love with Life: Being Present and Living in the Now

2014 - Apr Posted by Savannah Grey 16

“If you struggle with being present in the now, you will struggle with life.” – Eckhart Tolle

We all know one or two people that are genuinely happy and love their lives. It’s not that they have everything all figured out, but they always seem to be fully present in whatever they are doing and always thoroughly enjoying themselves.

It’s common for most of us to find ourselves out at certain events and be thinking about other things. We think about what else we should be doing, where else we should be. We think about the past. We get anxious about things that haven’t happened yet, but so often we are never where we should be, which is where we are at that moment.

Everyone’s life is a work in progress and we all struggle at different stages of our journey. Being present is one of my biggest hurdles. My mind is always in 10 different places all at once. Even when I was a little girl, my report cards would

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I See Dead People…Uhhh I Mean Narcissists: Creating the Right Neural Pathways

2014 - Mar Posted by Savannah Grey 11

After my long-term Narcissist and I broke up, I spent about a year and a half on self-improvement. I was looking and feeling pretty good and I decided that it was time to get back up on the ole dating horse.  I learned a lot in that year about myself and particularly about my dating habits. It seemed that I kept attracting the same type of guy over and over again and I couldn’t help but wonder, what was going on and if this was a coincidence.

That year my dating history looked like this:

Guy #1 – The date was a total disaster. I talked about my ex the whole time. Relationship duration: 1 date.

Guy #2 – The guy was totally buff, 6’3, muscles everywhere, nice clothes, nice car, good job. He swept me off of my feet and I was hooked.  He started to blow hot and cold. I didn’t hear from him one weekend, then the next he was fixing his c

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The You Revolution: Slaying the I’m Not Good Enough Monster

2014 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 4

The late eighteenth century was ripe with Revolutions. There was an American Revolution and a French Revolution and even today, citizens of many Middle Eastern countries have banded together to topple oppressive governments. A revolt usually happens when people are forced to live in unjust, unfair and oppressive conditions, where their voices aren’t heard, their civil rights – non-existent and poverty and famine are often the norm. A revolt starts by one person standing up and saying, “I’m not going to live like this anymore.” They take a stand and leap into action.

In our own lives, in the21st century, many of us have grown up in and continue to live in unfair, unjust and oppressive conditions, where our needs and wants don’t matter, our voices go unheard and we are starving for approval, love, purpose and the knowledge that we are good enough and that we matter.

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Being Authentically You: The Truth About Not Being Good Enough

2014 - Feb Posted by Savannah Grey 10

I hate myself.  I am flawed. I am unworthy. No one will ever love me and I will never be good enough. These were the beliefs that I carried around with me for most of my life. This cloak of self-loathing was fastened so tightly around my neck, that I could never get it off. It was always with me as far back as I can remember, so wearing it felt quite normal.  It was a gift, or more like a curse, that was passed down from generation to generation in my family.

When I was a newborn I was good enough. When I was a toddler I was good enough, but somewhere around the time that I had learned to speak and form sentences, I kept getting the message that I was not good enough.  It was with me in adolescence. It became more than apparent as I started dating and when I reached adulthood, every time I pulled up to life’s feast, I would take a few crumbs from the table and pretend that I was full. Everyone around me had plates piled high with delicious delicacies, but never me. Other people were worthy of such things, I was not.  So I accepted the crumbs I got in my relationships and I pretended that that was enough. I accepted the crumbs from my employer and I pretended that that was enough. All I ever got or expected were crumbs and I was starving for something more.

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Finding Purpose and Meaning in the Pain

2014 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 24

I get a lot of emails every day and I read every single one of them. This week I received an email from a reader that literally brought me to tears. The author so eloquently described her depression, her pain, her suffering and her desire to end her own life. The pain had become so unbearable, that suicide seemed like the best option for her.

I went for a walk after reading her email, to clear my head and get some perspective.  As I walked I asked the universe, ‘what can I say to this poor woman that could possibly ease her suffering?  How can I help these people get past their pain and see their true potential?’

I’ve been where most of you are now. When I started this little blog 11 months ago, I believed that I had something to offer and I wanted to be a beacon for those that were hurting like I was. At the beginning, I was lucky if I got a couple hundred page views a month. Now almost a year int

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Are You Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy?

2014 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 20

In relationships, intensity can be defined as a measure or degree of emotional excitement. High intensity relationships are formed when there is high risk and high drama. Also present is a high level of uncertainty and opportunity for either high reward, or high loss.

When we enter into relationships with Narcissists, Psychopaths and Emotionally Unavailable people, there is always an element of danger and unpredictability.  These types are shrouded in mystery and cloaked in charisma.

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Understanding Trauma Bonds: Part 2

2014 - Jan Posted by Savannah Grey 11

Exploitation usually begins with a promise. This promise can be explicitly expressed, or it can be simply implied. Patrick Carnes, author of Betrayal Bonds tells us that, “Those who (exploit) read their victims well. They appeal to the emptiness and the wounds of others. “

The promise is a lure and its purpose is to provide the victim with all that is missing from their lives. If the victim feels unlovable, the abuser will use love bomb tactics, giving almost more attention and admiration than they feel comfortable with.  Those victims that come from families where neglect was present and where emotions and affection was not frequently available are particularly susceptible to the attention and emotions that are evoked with such an onslaught.

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Empowerment: Taking Back Your Personal Power

2013 - Dec Posted by Savannah Grey 7

Empowerment is a difficult concept to define. For me, empowerment means strength, courage, will, determination, confidence, autonomy and freedom, but mostly, empowerment is about control.

So many women enter into relationships and freely give away their power. For a Narcissist, power over another is what they covet most. Through well-honed techniques, a Narcissist has an uncanny ability, to slowly and methodically, siphon an individual’s personal power.

When one is powerless they become dependent, weak, fearful, self-loathing, lacking in confidence and self-respect.  Powerless people are more likely to be victimized, feel trapped and catatonic.

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Raising Your Standards in Relationships

2013 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 16

A lot of people drift in and out of relationships without any preexisting expectations. Our expectations are our standards and when our standards are low, or we set the bar knee high, then any Tom, Dick or Narcissist can waltz on over and create all kinds of emotional havoc in our lives.

In the biographies of many of the most successful people in the world, most of them talk about their humble beginnings. Some were homeless, or living in their cars and were living way below what they were capable of. It wasn’t until they flipped a switch, or they just said enough, that their lives began to change. What they say that changed for them, was that they began to expect more from themselves and more from others.

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Do You Control Your Emotions or Do Your Emotions Control You?: Developing Mental Toughness

2013 - Nov Posted by Savannah Grey 9

A few days ago I had one of those eerie ‘synchronicity’ experiences.  I was contacted by a clinically diagnosed Psychopath and later that same day I turned on my TV and the movie American Psychopath was on. The next day, I went to the book store, to buy a book on recovery from emotional trauma, for research on an upcoming blog.

I found the book I was looking for, stepped over a few feet and propped my elbow up on a shelf, to leaf through it.  As I did, I knocked a book onto the floor. I picked it up and looked at the title – The Wisdom of Psychopaths, by Kevin Dutton. I scoffed at the word wisdom and put it back on the shelf. I walked to another part of the bookstore, with my recovery book in hand and everywhere I seemed to look, I saw the word Psychopath. I looked at a few other books, but I couldn’t ignore this voice in my head that was now screaming – you need to read this book – what else do I have to do, hit you with it? So I bought it.

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Nothing Changes Without Action: Part 3 of the Change Your Life Series

2013 - Oct Posted by Savannah Grey 6

Life can change in an instant. Everyone has the ability to wake up one day and take their life in a new direction. Change happens the minute we make a decision and then follow through with immediate and consistent action.

Change usually occurs when we come across something that has an emotional hook for us, when it touches us and hits the right nerve.  It can happen after a crisis, or an incredibly painful experience. Or it can simply be when you’ve reached a point where you say to yourself, that enough is enough, I want more than this.

Science has proven that our energy creates our environment, but I believe that the Law of Attraction and all of its guru’s fall short on one aspect – that nothing happens without action.

We can hope to lose weight, focus on it, believe it, visualize ourselves thin, but if we don’t do something, if we don’t act then nothing changes.

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Taking Control and the Law of Attraction: Part 2 of the Change Your Life Series

2013 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 3

In my journey from pain to self-love the first step for me was recognizing who I truly was. As I discussed in part one, entitled Spirituality, when I finally realized that I was this massive, powerful eternal being, my beliefs about me changed. Knowing that I was a huge energy field, capable of all things – I could no longer look at myself as a weak, helpless, out of control, victim.

Once I got that, I realized that all the baggage that I had been carrying around with me wasn’t mine. It belonged to my mother, my father, my siblings, my friends, the bullies at school and every man I had ever dated.  I had been walking around with hundreds of pounds of other people’s junk that didn’t belong to me. I was able to see that the criticism my mom so lavishly heaped on me, was the same baggage that was heaped upon her and I decided I wasn’t going to carry it anymore. When my boyfriends would act in an unkind and disrespectful manner, I stopped taking the blame for it. I stopped internalizing their bad behavior and I gave them back their baggage and handed them their walking papers.

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Spirituality: The Foundation for Change – Part 1 of the Change Your Life Series

2013 - Sep Posted by Savannah Grey 7

Spirituality is the foundation for change. An awareness of who you really are is the building blocks of creating a better life, because when you understand who you truly are, you will be powerful, not powerless, indestructible not combustible. You will never again see yourself as a victim, but as someone who willingly accepts life’s lessons. You will have balance, harmony and a deep sense of inner peace.

Spiritual people have more confidence. They are more steadfast in their decisions and they have come to trust their instincts and know they are guided by unforeseen forces. They have a multi-faceted perspective on everyday problems and obstacles and an understanding that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.

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Healing the Void Within: The Danger of the Maladaptive Coping Mechanism

2013 - Aug Posted by Savannah Grey 7

There is a longing, an aching void that exists deep in the heart of every one of us. We deny it, build walls around it and try to fill it by whatever means available to us.

This void is a hurt that runs deep to our very core. It’s feelings of inadequacy, of not being where and who we want to be. It’s our deepest insecurities and our deepest fears and it exists in everyone. Athletes, celebrities and even the most confident people we know are riddled with insecurity. It is part of the human condition.

But there is a difference between those that live happy, productive lives and those that don’t and it lies in our ability to cope with, acknowledge and heal the causes of this void.

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The Importance of Having and Enforcing Boundaries in Relationships: Why You Need to Draw the Line in the Sand

2013 - Jul Posted by Savannah Grey 21

Boundaries are more than just lines on a map. In relationships, they are mandatory codes of conduct that need to be respected. It’s where we draw the line on what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

It’s a fact that you teach people how to treat you and whether it’s with family, friends, co-workers, or lovers, everyone must have boundaries. They are necessary because, well let’s face it, not everyone is playing with the same moral deck. There are a lot of very unhealthy people out there, who make a habit of projecting their issue

 

The Importance of Feeling Good: Changing Your Vibrational Frequency

2013 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 8

For much of my life I believed that relationships hurt. I thought that love equaled pain, because when I was in love, it always ended up hurting. Somewhere, subconsciously, I believed that that’s how you knew you were in love – it hurt.

Not surprisingly, most if not all of my relationships, ended with me feeling that way, regardless of who did the leaving. Heartache was always my default setting and it went with me everywhere I went.

 

Self-Esteem – It Really Is A Choice

2013 - Jun Posted by Savannah Grey 8

I get a lot of emails asking the same question, “It’s all well and good to say we determine our own worth and we are responsible for our own self-esteem, but _____happened to me. How does somebody just snap out of it and start to feel good about themselves after so much bad has happened?”

People are always looking for a quick, magical solution, that will instantly make them better.  As I grow and I acquire more and more experiences, I’ve come to learn that like most other things in life – learning to love yourself is a process. For me, I had reached a point where I didn’t like how I was feeling every day. I wanted to feel happy all the time. I wanted peace all

 

Co-Dependency: When You Give Too Much

2013 - May Posted by Savannah Grey 12

If you have been involved with a Narcissist, an addict, someone with a compulsive disorder or anyone with emotional or psychological issues, you are about to have an Oprah Winfrey sized Ah-ha moment.

Many of you will see the word Co-Dependent and think, “I’m not an addict, this isn’t about me,” and you’d be wrong. If you are involved with these types of men, by the end of this post you will view things in a whole new light, you may just see yourself and your behavior. In the words that follow you will begin to have an understanding of yourself, your relationship and your life that has alluded you till now.